Am I Being Unreasonable to Stick to This Rule Around Homework?

[CuriousPebble]

Hi everyone, I’d love some perspective on a situation I’m having with my 11-year-old and her homework.

A bit of background: she started secondary school in September, and until now, she’s been pretty consistent with her homework. But this week—likely because it’s half-term and she’s out of her usual routine—it’s been a different story.

She came to me saying the homework was “too hard” but hadn’t even logged on to try it. I recognised this as her way of asking for help, so I offered to sit down and go through it with her. She turned down my help. I then suggested she go to homework club at school, where she could get support from teachers, but she refused that option as well.

After some back and forth, I decided to set a clear boundary: until she either (1) makes an attempt at the homework herself or (2) goes to homework club, I’ve disabled non-essential apps on her phone. I told her very clearly that as soon as she follows through with one of those options, her phone will be back to normal.

This has, however, sparked some serious pushback. She’s venting her frustration at me, and while it’s understandable, I’ve stayed calm and clear, reminding her that her feelings about me in this moment aren’t how I feel about her. I love her and want her to succeed, which is why I need her to either make an effort on the homework or accept support from me or the homework club.

The issue now is that we’re 24 hours in, and it’s starting to feel like a battle of wills. She’s still refusing both options, and I’m holding my ground on keeping her phone limited until the homework is done. It feels like neither of us is willing to budge, and I’m starting to wonder if I’m being unreasonable by sticking to this.

I don’t want to undermine the importance of effort and responsibility, but I also don’t want this to damage our relationship. Has anyone else been in a similar situation? Any advice on whether I’m taking the right approach—or a better way to handle this—would be really helpful.

Thanks for reading and for any advice you might have!

P.S. Apologies for any struck-through text above. That definitely wasn’t intentional! Not sure what happened there.

Not unreasonable. Stick to your guns, give in now and she'll always remember it. My DD 13 got off to a rocky start with her homework, now she enjoys homework club. However there's a stigma attached to the homework club in her school, apparently it's for "poor people", according to one of her more judgemental mates. Whatever, she has to get her homework done, or like your dd, she loses her phone privileges.

Sounds to me that you are doing the right thing. Hang in there! She has choices and options, you have offered to help. Maybe ask her what she thinks should happen or another way forward if she has any ideas?

I’m slightly confused about the timings. If she’s on half term how can she go to homework club? Or was it half term last week so now she’s late handing in?

We didn’t have phones at 11. Disabling non essential apps is more than fair. If there was “attitude “ I’d be taking it off her 🤣

there’s bound to be pushback, she’s 11 and you’ve implemented a hard boundary but, honestly, kids and teens like hard boundaries! They provide security.

Parenting is often a battle of wills. Nothing wrong with that however difficult it may be at the time. Whatever you do do not give in, you will be setting yourself up for many more battles of wills in the future! Harder ones as she will think if she pushes back hard enough you'll give in. Children push boundaries. It's what they do. You holding that boundary, calmly and clearly and consistently, is good parenting. It's what will make her feel safe and secure and validated, even if she may not like it in the moment.

One thing just to caveat all of that. Firm and consistent parenting should be done with love consideration of difficult feelings. So just be sure that there's not something else going on that is promoting this sudden pushback - she's not coping in some way at school for example.

Pack her off to homework club. This s what I did. They got the message 🤣

Yes, keep with it. Homework with snack when she gets home, maybe after half an hour of screen time, but while it's fresh in her mind.
No more screens or cool stuff till homework is done. She can listen to music while she's doing the homework? If she thinks it's optional then it will only get worse. Work first, fun later. Those are the rules.
Just say that 'I have to work and do chores before doing fun things, so you can do that too'

I would be tempted to just let her face the natural consequences of not doing homework in the sense of the school punishment. You have offered the support but ultimately she needs to learn the consequences of not doing it

Was she just looking to vent and you made it about trying to fix the problem? Sometimes people just want a good moan. Listen and sympathise but don’t jump in trying to come up with a solution.

You sound like a great mum. The only thing I'd do differently is ask her instead of tell her, so she learns to work out for herself why you are doing these things. "Why do you think I am asking you to choose between these two choices?' 'Why do you think I am limiting the phone apps?'

Then if she seems to truly believe some completely illogical tween-strop reasons, you can set her straight.

Last week was half term, so there was no homework club then. She’s known about the homework since school broke up, and I reminded her throughout last week that it needed to be done. It kept getting put off until “later,” and then yesterday she suddenly decided it was “too hard” without actually logging onto the app to check it.

The homework is due tomorrow evening (submitted electronically), and the next homework club is after school tomorrow, so she still has that option available to get some help, or allow me to help her with it.

So is half term for 2 weeks and this is week 2? Are homework clubs open during half term @CuriousPebble ? I'm confused here.

But you now need to stick to your guns, or she'll know that she can get you to back down first!

Edited to add OOPS! Cross posted

Battles of wills never worked for me. It's much better to get (back) to a situation of treating them with respect and communicating well.

So I would reinstate the apps, so that the resentment from the punishment can be relieved. And I would apologise and say this action was due to your concern about homework. So, can we talk about it. If possible get back to the scenario where you look at the homework task(s) together and find out what the issue is.

If she misses one or two homeworks everything ultimately will be fine. But removing the ability to talk about their worries when they are ready, will lead to bigger problems.

I did consider letting her face the natural consequences at school, but I worry that if the school doesn’t follow through with any, it’ll reinforce the idea that homework isn’t that important—and I’ll end up as “the bad one” for holding a boundary she thinks “school doesn’t actually care about.”

My goal here is to set a clear expectation that homework needs to be done, whether at home, homework club (for support), or elsewhere. If she doesn’t do it, then there’s no phone.

When my now adult children were at the homework stage I had nothing to do with it at all. If they asked for some advice I was happy to give it and helped in every way I could, but my view was/is that it is THEIR homework and whether they do it or not is down to them. If they don't, they will have to deal with the consequences. I never asked them if they had any, nor nagged at them to get on with it.

Me standing back meant that they knew it was their own responsibility. They all now have degrees, post grad qualifications and good jobs.

I am delighted to see that one of the secondary schools where a GC now goes insists that parents do not get involved, on the grounds that the staff need to have a realistic view of what the child's capabilities are so they can put in the right help. And they need to understand if the child is finding it hard to concentrate and knuckle down to it.

I have quite a few GC. Most have parents who take a hands-off view; at least one is heavily involved every day and it is a real headache for everyone.

I would say stand back. Tell your DD that you trust her to make the right decisions for her, and that you are available if any advice needed, then leave her to it. How else will she learn to take responsibility for her life?

I feel your pain OP. I also have a constant battle.
DS school do not enforce the homework club requirements and blame me for the fact he walks out of school at closing time and just comes home.
I know that their homework club is for everyone who wants to go, it's voluntary rather than compulsory, but there seems to be a bit of a stigma attached to going there for some reason.
DS has ADHD so has periods of hyper focus when a lot gets done, but many days when nothing is done.

Thanks for your perspective. She agreed at the beginning of half term it would be done by the end of the week. When the deadline approached, she suddenly said it was “too hard”—but she hadn’t actually opened the homework to check. I’ve explained that I don’t mind if she gets every question wrong, because she can learn from this and her teachers will know to help, I just want her to make an attempt.

I’ve offered to help her with it myself, suggested homework club, and even told her she could choose someone else if that’s easier. But her only response has been, “I’m not doing it because I don't want to / it's too hard.” So, I’ve held firm on removing the phone until either (1) the homework is completed or (2) she accepts support from me, homework club, or another person of her choosing.

I totally understand the importance of keeping our communication respectful and open, and I’ve done my best to be calm and supportive throughout. For me, this is more about teaching her that commitments need to be met, especially with responsibilities like homework. I appreciate your input—it’s given me a lot to think about.

This seems completely reasonable to me; I'm a fan of building age appropriate independence but my DS is the same age/stage as your DD and at this point in Y7 he still needs my support with organisation. So we have rules in place for homework - generally he does some homework everyday and isn't allowed screen time until all his jobs are done (this includes things like laundry away, packing school bag, making his lunch). He doesn't have to finish all homework immediately but if he has homework outstanding and is declining to do any then he would need to explain to me his plan for getting it done on time. Part of me wonders if this is a bit micromanage-y? But I feel he needs this scaffolding atm as Y7 is overwhelming and I will reduce the support that I am giving slowly over time.

Over HT (last week) we talked at the beginning of the week what homework and what other jobs he needed to do, we looked at the calendar and our family plans, and I asked him to think about how and when he would get his jobs done - then I supported him to do that (read insisted it was done) - would have been no screen time and no treats if he reneged on the agreement with no reason and no alternative plan.

Actually love this, putting into my back pocket for when it’s my time to parent kids with homework!

I fully agree with this. My mum never forced me to do homework but I didn't want a detention or to be told off by school so I always did it (even if it was at the start of class).

Hope you get to take it out of your pocket at some point @planits!

It is a matter of start as you mean to go on. If you start by asking if they have homework, chivvying them to do it etc., you have immediately set up an expectation that it is your responsibility to make sure it gets done. It isn't - it is theirs. You have unwittingly transferred that role to yourself. It is part of the new responsibility of secondary school for them. Something for them to get used to.

If you are already locked in this role, like the OP, it is time to tell them that things need to change - that it is their job to see that homework is done, not yours - that from today you are transferring it to them - that you are placing your trust in them. At the same time you can reiterate that you are there for advice if needed.

It is damaging to home life to have this burden of school imposed on it.

But the school is likely to follow through and if they don't then fair play to her for questioning the importance of it.

I'm not sure it's worth damaging your relationship in a battle of wills. Natural consequences from school will suffice and if they don't follow through then that's on them.

You are not being unreasonable, exactly, but I wouldn't recommend parenting in this way. If you make things into a battle of wills, inevitably, she will want to win. And this kind of adversarial approach simply isn't helpful as you head into the teenage years.

I'd have invested much more time in talking to her about it, personally. Listening and sympathising with how she feels about the homework. Trying to understand why she isn't getting on with it. Helping her to understand her own blocks and to identify strategies for dealing with them. Supporting her to think through the short- and long-term consequences of not doing her homework etc.

As they get older, I think it's helpful for parents to think more in terms of influencing their children rather than seeking to control them.

I think you're doing the right thing. You've offered options for help, she needs to take one.
She'll soon learn if she doesn't complete homework there'll be consequences at school.