Am I Being Unreasonable to Stick to This Rule Around Homework?

[CuriousPebble]

Hi everyone, I’d love some perspective on a situation I’m having with my 11-year-old and her homework.

A bit of background: she started secondary school in September, and until now, she’s been pretty consistent with her homework. But this week—likely because it’s half-term and she’s out of her usual routine—it’s been a different story.

She came to me saying the homework was “too hard” but hadn’t even logged on to try it. I recognised this as her way of asking for help, so I offered to sit down and go through it with her. She turned down my help. I then suggested she go to homework club at school, where she could get support from teachers, but she refused that option as well.

After some back and forth, I decided to set a clear boundary: until she either (1) makes an attempt at the homework herself or (2) goes to homework club, I’ve disabled non-essential apps on her phone. I told her very clearly that as soon as she follows through with one of those options, her phone will be back to normal.

This has, however, sparked some serious pushback. She’s venting her frustration at me, and while it’s understandable, I’ve stayed calm and clear, reminding her that her feelings about me in this moment aren’t how I feel about her. I love her and want her to succeed, which is why I need her to either make an effort on the homework or accept support from me or the homework club.

The issue now is that we’re 24 hours in, and it’s starting to feel like a battle of wills. She’s still refusing both options, and I’m holding my ground on keeping her phone limited until the homework is done. It feels like neither of us is willing to budge, and I’m starting to wonder if I’m being unreasonable by sticking to this.

I don’t want to undermine the importance of effort and responsibility, but I also don’t want this to damage our relationship. Has anyone else been in a similar situation? Any advice on whether I’m taking the right approach—or a better way to handle this—would be really helpful.

Thanks for reading and for any advice you might have!

My child has ASD and gets anxiety about doing her homework. Removing the phone is step 1. Step 2 is we sit at the kitchen table together working on it, or not, but we sit there regardless. Generally once I force the issue of her accepting help, she is able to get over her mental block or understand the instruction that was confusing and the work gets done. Sometimes she needs a concept retaught, so we figure it out. The internet is very helpful.

I rarely if ever did any homework/revision when in school and still left with very high grades (10 GCSEs all A*-B and 4 A levels, all As). Never saw the value in it personally unless it was something I actually wanted to do, and my parents took the same view; I'd been in school all day, after school was my time for sports, hobbies, family/friends.

Obviously not everyone will/should agree with that!

Problem here is, you've already put your foot down on her doing it. If you relent on the phone privileges now, she'll know that you'll cave on everything else going forwards.

And then when something comes up that you actually don't/can't cave on, she'll still assume that you will, leaving you in conflict for longer.

I agree that you just let her face the natural consequences of not doing it.

If you're worried how you'll be judged by school, I'd personally email the form tutor and say I'm not too sure what's happening but DS is struggling to just get on with doing homework. Could you possibly discuss with her?

Also explain that you have expectations that she's struggling to follow and consequences aren't impacting at home.

I'd tell DS that this is actually something out of your control. Even if you want to let her do no homework you can't. It's the law that a child is in education and completes work associated with it. I found this line helpful in my situation. I'd tell her you need to speak to the 🏫 about it and will be emailing because you have no choice.

You've done as much as you can possibly do.

There are plenty enough issues to get into a battle with teens and pre-teens without adding in school homework, which is THEIR responsibility and not yours. If you start issuing sanctions over this it will never end, and you will have run out of sanctions by the time she is giving real grief over drinking or whatever. And stand-offs with teens never end well. You have to move on a bit. Once they get to secondary school they seem to change very suddenly and become more grown up and desirous of independence. Fighting that is not productive and very draining. Finding a proper balance is the way forward and that means change on both sides.

You could say to her: "I have given a great deal of thought to this homework situation and the last thing I want is for us to be at loggerheads over it. It will help neither of us. I have decided that from now on you must take personal responsibility for getting it done. I am sure that you can do that. I am always here for any advice or help you might need with it, but I have decided I am not going to take on something that is your responsibility to deal with. I have faith that you will make the right decisions and get it done when you are ready. I am very keen for you to do well at school as you know, but now that you are older and at secondary school I can see that you need to be making some of these decisions for yourself."

You are not backing down or losing face or undermining your authority - you are showing that you are able to think things through rationally and to recognise when a change of tack is needed. That in itself is a valuable lesson for her.

If this was me I would sit down and say something like you said in your 5th paragraph

The issue now is that we’re 24 hours in, and it’s starting to feel like a battle of wills. She’s still refusing both options, and I’m holding my ground on keeping her phone limited until the homework is done. It feels like neither of us is willing to budge, and I’m starting to wonder if I’m being unreasonable by sticking to this.

Only instead of saying 'starting to wonder' say 'what can we do about it?'

In my experience working together on a solution often reveals they don't think you're being ridiculous they just don't want to 'lose'.

The only thing I'd say is that at 24 hours later it doesn't seem like she's that bothered about the punishment. Is it something that's not important to her, or maybe the apps she uses simply have web-based versions she can access from a computer (assuming no iPad or TV apps involved)?