Prom dress payment dilemma

[herewegogogox]

DSD is 15 and has prom coming up ...

Anyway.. DH texted bio mum and asked what the plan was with getting a dress sorted and if they should agree a budget, a budget was agreed £400, DH and bio Mum go halves on dress.. DH sorts shoes, prom ticket , and bag, bio Mum (hairdresser) sorts hair, nails and makeup up!

Anyway... dress appointment made, bio Mum says she can't make it last minute so asks me to go with DH.(no problem!)

I facetime bio Mum whilst there, a dress is picked £400.. everyone in agreement.

So DH paid his half £200 and also agreed to pay for alterations which were £100 extra ... bio Mum agreed to pay the remaining £200 by an agreed date and she said she would send it in installments as the balance is in DH name.

Well the date is fast approaching and so far she has sent nothing despite DH sending gentle reminders.

What does DH do? DH feels she isn't going to pay and he will be left with the remaining balance in full plus the shoes she needs for the fitting.

DH is not really sure what to do going forward so advice for him please.

This is such an odd thread. Step mother asking for advice on behalf of her husband about his ex wife owing him money?

how would strangers on the internet be able to help him? Surely this is a grown man who functions in the world? He asks for the money. He then has a decision to make - does he let his daughter lose the dress or does he pay. I am sure he is capable of maki g that adult decision alone😊.

people find the term bio mum offensive because it seems to be increasingly used by step mothers to refer to the actual mother . It’s usual and more socially common use is the refer to a mother who gave her child up for adoption. I agree with previous posters, this lady is simply the girls mother. How would you refer to her is indeed you husband and his ex wife had adopted this child? She would still be the legal mother, but not bio?

@Bellyblueboy bold of you to assume they were married .. they were not i am his only wife thank you.

Also, why bother to comment on this thread if you feel it's contence is obsolete.. thank you for your two pence on the term bio Mum.. I am also a bio mum and would not be offended by this but thank you for the education session but giving nothing on the dilemma which you see as pointless to post.

I would do as other posters have suggested - just tell DSD's Mum that she can collect the dress and the balance is payable on collection.

If she gets in touch prior citing financial difficulties etc then you can take it from there, but for now just leave it at that.

'Hey X, we've paid our half plus the extras agreed. The amount you agreed will need paying on collection of the dress so will leave that for you to sort at your convenience '

@user84749201 thank you.. this is also good advice as others suggested and will put this to him

Apologises to all if I offended by calling bio Mum as has hit a nerve with a few.

Going forward I will use Mother or actual Mother so if people can stop focusing on that bit that would be great.

Sorry can't get past 500 quid for a frigging prom dress......

@Stormyweatheroutthere agreed haha

Apologies - I hadn’t meant to offend by assuming your husband had been married before you🫣. For ex wife please read ex- partner (as they will at least have been partners on one occasion!).

you seem very angry so I will not comment further.

I hope your step daughter has a fabulous prom and doesn’t hear about the drama.

Can the dress be returned? I'm completely bemused at how a £500 budget for a dress for a 15 year old was agreed. Appreciate it's not DSS's fault, but i'm sure she could have a lovely dress for a fifth of that price.

@YellowRoom I'm not sure DH has the paperwork but don't think he would want to as she loves it .. as i am not the parent I did not agree on the budget they did but it is a lot yes.

You sound like a lovely step mum OP. As soon as I saw this I knew loads of people would weigh on the cost 🙄. The point is it’s already been agreed and chosen. My DD didn’t want a particularly expensive prom dress but lots of her friends did and had it as a Christmas/birthday present, used some of their own money etc. People prioritise different things and prom is a huge thing for lots of 15 -16 year olds. As an aside I found it was very different by year 13 when they were much more cost conscious and less inclined to see the outfits as all important.

As others have said I would probably advise your DH to tell her to pick it up and pay the balance. I don’t think I’d put the 15yr old in a position where she had to have a conversation with her mum about why she hadn’t paid her half. If your DH thinks there is a possibility that she won’t pick up and pay then he should do it and then deduct from maintenance in instalments as suggested. Just make the communication really clear so there is no room for arguing down the line.

I wouldn't say it's an odd thread but your response is an odd post. OP has said her DH has been asking for the money but still hasn't received it. Her post is asking what to do next, as asking for it isn't working. What on earth is odd about that?
OP I'd go down the route of telling her to collect and settle the balance at the shop however be prepared that she can't pay it. I'd hope at this point she would then say.

And I agree with other posters, you sound like a lovely SM.

Why? We'll know who is who if you just use "mum" we don't need to know if her child was adopted or anything.

Basically your DH is going to have to pay for it and learn for next time to never go halves

@purplebeansprouts I have addressed this and won't go into it any further please see above.

@mummyh2016 @MrsGalloway thank you

It's ridiculous isn't it? For what after all is just a school dance!

@Notreat which wouldn't feel so wrong if parents were sharing the cost as agreed 😥

My dd’s dress was £540. It is what it is. As for the balance, i think either agree to write off the debt and remember not to do this again or your dh could deduct £10 a month until the debt is cleared. I wouldn’t take more if she’s struggling.

Isn't this something which needs sorting between your dh and his ex? Husband's money, husband's daughter, so husband's problem to resolve. He's a big boy, knows his ex better than anyone else I presume, so needs to negotiate a resolution himself.

@Livelovebehappy yes.. yes it is.. as stated throughout this is advice for my DH.

This sounds like one of those situations where at least one of the adults involved needs to pick up the phone or knock on the door of one of the other adults involved and have a grown up conversation.

Text messages are great for many things, but as this shows not everything.

Conversation along the lines of ‘you keep saying you’ll transfer the money, and haven’t. I’m worried child is going to get to dress fitting day and the money still not be paid and then not able to get the dress which would be a real shame for her. If you’ve realised that the £200 is going to be more difficult than you thought then let’s come up with a plan now to avoid that happening. Or if it’s all fine, can you transfer now so that don’t forget again. It’s ok I’ll hang on while you do it’.

If you are in the UK surely the prom is 7/8 months away? Your SDS will have changed her mind on the dress by then anyway!