To think that sometimes you just need to ignore the crying and change the nappy?

[JCTDN]

I am six weeks post partum so may be hormonal but AIBU to think that sometimes you just need to ignore the screaming and change the nappy so as not to prolong the agony?

My MO on nappy changes is to go in and out ASAP no matter how heartbreaking the wailing.

DH’s method if the baby is crying is to pause along the way to pick him up and cuddle him, or to do things like show him the cream/nappy/wipe and talk him through what’s happening, as if he can understand it or as if it’ll calm him down.

DH also just repeats his name over, like “oh Alfie, it’s okay,” when I’ve told him, and demonstrated, that quite loud shushing does sometimes seem to calm him.

I’m just feeling quite tense at the moment because what could have been a quick nappy and clothes change became a 20 min performance which it simply needn’t have been, and lengthened the distress for DS. And now I’m having to feed DS to calm him down when we were due to be out of the door for an appointment ten minutes ago.

I definitely did quick change followed by cuddle, I think prolonging the change just risks them staying upset longer.

Neither way is wrong.
You are both in the hardest bit where the tiredness is killing your and you annoy each other over things that in the long run won’t matter. It will pass.

I think I’m just annoyed because we’re now late for our appointment and I have worked so hard this morning with naps and feeding to ensure we tried to leave vaguely on time. And now we’ll be an hour behind schedule by the time DS has been fed to calm down, burped, and we’re on our way.

I know this isn't the point, and his way would totally drive me up the wall too, but he is 100% going to get weed and/or pooed on at some point.

I’m with @MintTwirl - it’s just shit at the moment and you both have differing approaches, neither is wrong. You want to minimise the distress, your DH wants to console and ‘be with’ your baby in his time of distress. Can you see how neither is wrong?

You do you and let DH be. Sending a big hug to you both, it does pass.

But regardless of that, I do feel that DH takes too long with nappy changes and I think the end result of DS crying his heart out for two or three times longer than necessary is not a good thing.

Indeed

Same with giving medicine, bathing etc etc

Oh god he has done! And I have actually thought - if you’d wrapped things up by now (literally), that wouldn’t have happened!

I'd just let DH get on with his approach while you get on with yours and remember that for next time, DH way might take a little longer so factor that in when you are about to head out.

Congratulations on your baby!

He's six weeks in, let him do it his way when he does it. No harm will come of it.

Agree with PP, both parents approaches are valid. And after spending time on mn it's just nice to hear a man doing his bit in a caring way, which is sad the bar is so low. I'd avoid nit picking his approach, you're a team and criticism may drive a wedge.

I'd just get the job done, but I'd try and talk in soothing tones whilst at it, and tell baby what was happening at each stage, just because it's good to talk to them, not because I expected them to understand.

We both became nappy change ninjas because my eldest was a demon for this, and also had explosive poos. My low point was bending back his legs to wipe and poo flying across a thankfully empty public changing room. He also managed to wee in his own eye once.

He's quite a civilised 13 year old now.

I would have thought your husband would have learned his lesson but clearly not! Like you I was a proponent of - neither of us are enjoying this and the sooner it's over the better. But others are right, he's doing it his way. I found one of the trickiest bits of early parenting (and especially doing shared parental leave and swapping who was at home) was accepting that my way wasn't invariably right. But it's worth investing in the concept now so you're not the default parent for the next 18 years...

It's the kind of thing that you learn with time and experience. A year or two, and possibly with another child in the way, and he'll be in the, "Stop complaining and let's get on with it," camp. Try to avoid the, "My way is better," arguments because so that will do is lead to resentment on both sides.

DH also just repeats his name over, like “oh Alfie, it’s okay,” when I’ve told him, and demonstrated, that quite loud shushing does sometimes seem to calm him.

I think just let him talk to the baby however he wants.

Let him do it his w way and you do it yours, honestly the last thing you want is to make him feel like he can't have his own relationship with his child or that he's not doing it right, that way is a slippery slope to being the default parent.
Also this stage will pass! Good luck!

Sorry OP, I agree with others not to pick this battle. His way is inefficient but its not outside the bounds of reasonable. If you've already said your opinion, but he prefers his way, I think its too controlling to keep pushing.

A nappy change should not take 20 minutes that's ridiculous! Also how is a six week old supposed to understand your dh's explanations of the cream/wipes and what's going to happen?!

Yes, agreed. He's bonding with his baby. It doesn't need to be effective, he's being kind, he's building his relationship in these small moments.

Is the baby cold or in an uncomfortable position?

I have to say as a general rule, I’d leave him do things his way. You really don’t want to create this narrative that he can’t calm the baby down, he doesn’t know what he is doing (but you do) etc….
Plus it’s not a bad thing to talk to baby the way your dh is doing! They understand way more than they let out.

If you have an appointment and need to be at a certain place at a certain time, then its not on.

It’s 6 weeks in. It’s completely unhelpful to keep viewing it as you bring right and your DH being wrong. Your DH has likely been back at work for weeks and you obviously have had more experience with the baby.
Don’t be the baby expert, it’s a nappy, he will figure it out his own way.

I will can’t work out why even a long nappy change would possibly mean you were an hour late to something!

I'm 4 kids deep-

Honestly I totally get it. But it’s SO important to let Dads do it however they want as long as it’s safe.

so many women get caught in the trap of “oh I do it better / faster / the right way” (and often they do because often they are doing more of the care). I include myself in that albeit 16 years ago. But that’s so unfair to the men.

It’s also the fastest way to end up one of these women who cannot leave their child because they will only settle for their mum. Each parent had the right to chose their own way.

These things that seem so important now (and they are of course as you do endless nappy changes in this phase) really aren’t in the bigger scheme of things.

I remember my kids dad worrying with DC1 that they would grow up to “hate him” because he did more nappy changes which made them cry and I did the feeding which they liked lol. You will remember with fondness the daftness of showing a newborn the nappy cream 😃

Be kind to each other. You are both doing your best (just keep quiet that your best is better 😉😉)