To think that sometimes you just need to ignore the crying and change the nappy?

[JCTDN]

I am six weeks post partum so may be hormonal but AIBU to think that sometimes you just need to ignore the screaming and change the nappy so as not to prolong the agony?

My MO on nappy changes is to go in and out ASAP no matter how heartbreaking the wailing.

DH’s method if the baby is crying is to pause along the way to pick him up and cuddle him, or to do things like show him the cream/nappy/wipe and talk him through what’s happening, as if he can understand it or as if it’ll calm him down.

DH also just repeats his name over, like “oh Alfie, it’s okay,” when I’ve told him, and demonstrated, that quite loud shushing does sometimes seem to calm him.

I’m just feeling quite tense at the moment because what could have been a quick nappy and clothes change became a 20 min performance which it simply needn’t have been, and lengthened the distress for DS. And now I’m having to feed DS to calm him down when we were due to be out of the door for an appointment ten minutes ago.

As an X neonatal nurse I'm very quick at changing nappies and am in the camp of getting it done with the shortest stress to the baby.
As a Mum (and now grandma) the baby crying actually caused ME stress and when anyone else changed my baby's nappies I got very upset..
As above there's no right or wrong but you're ok to not like his method..
Can you explain to him that you are programmed to find baby crying stressful so could he please just get on with it and get it over with?
Sympathy... I had to leave the room when my grandsons other granny was changing him.

Didn't get to finish my message lol!

I'm four kids deep and can whip a nappy on and off in mere seconds at this point, there's no way I would be dilly dallying around for 20 mins!

I'm 100% with you- get it done asap while the baby screams, as messing about only prolongs stress

This 😂

20 minutes for a nappy, good grief that's insanity. 6 weeks in sounds new, but between you, you've probably had about 500 nappy changes so far, so if he's been doing his fair share he's not a beginner any more.

You are right, DH is making a meal
of it.

wait until you have a defiant toddler with a pooey nappy who’s tantrumming about having it changed. I literally have to WWE pin my 2 year old to the floor by force so he doesn’t roll shit everywhere.

I did both depending on what nappy number I was on of the day, how much sleep I had had and what I needed to do next. Or something in between power through the crying to get her clean. Quick cuddler to calm us both down then power through until the nappy was on.
I would repeat "help me, help you" as a mantra.
My daughter had silent reflux and hated being on her back so I popped a nappy under her head to raise her up slightly. At 6 weeks she would do 2 poos each nappy change which made them go on forever!

Because I had to feed him to calm him, then wind him… as it happens I cut the feed short and didn’t really wind him so we were only 30 mins late.

Anyway, thanks all for giving my head a wobble and giving me some perspective. I still don’t like the idea of DS crying his heart out for 20 mins as it’s heartbreaking but I accept there is no right way of doing things so won’t say anything about it.

You will soon figure it out - there is no right, there is no wrong.

Agree. Things like this are just done ASAP without too much fuss. However I would just let him get on with it in his own way.

Personally I'd mix your two approaches, fast and no messing but talking and explaining whilst doing it with a smile at baby. They like hearing your soothing voice, may help calm them.

Yeah just quickly get it done.
Talking them through the process is for when they're older.
Newborn cry when they have their nappies changes because they're cold/uncomfortable/hungry/want to be held so quicker it's over the better!

Im with you op - getting the job done is better in most instances. Particularly with a tiny baby and that tiny baby is crying. They really dont need to know about the process - they just want it over and done with.
If they are calm and happy though.......your dh's way is fine!

@ByMerryKoala has hit the nail on the head here. Your DP is bonding with the baby in these moments, learning about his baby and learning how to be a father - just leave him be. You are in real danger of harming both your relationship with him and his relationship with his child if you micromanage him around the baby. He is the father, he has equal right to choose how to handle the day to day parenting. His method may be different, but for the sake of your family don't get stuck in the narrative of someone being right and someone being wrong

Getting it done quickly is the least stressful for the baby- he's making it worse which would annoy me.

I wonder if you have one of those babies who is crying when need changing and won’t finish crying until it’s done. My nephew was like this, once my sister got it - her life became much easier.

At six weeks? Newborn? Change the nappy. Plenty of other less stressful opportunities to point and describe what is in the room or give cuddles. Why not change the nappy first and then shush and cuddle afterwards?

I know what you mean but when your tiny baby is screaming until he can barely catch his breath any longer it’s just awful to hear and you (I) would do anything not to prolong it.

I saw some wise advice on here. Don't stop your DH doing things because you consider it the wrong way. You are just putting yourself out there to take over all baby related duties.

I disagree with a lot of the replies here. I would not let my tiny baby scream for 20 minutes unnecessarily. The advice is good in general but not for this example. I think your husband, bless him, is being a bit daft here and does need some guidance. If a baby is screaming for 20 minutes straight when there is an obvious way to stop them from getting so upset, then there is indeed a right and a wrong way to do things.

You can tell your husband that he could do things differently, but you can be kind about it. Let him do things his own way, but for this I would want him to know that his approach of talking to his son is lovely but he can do all that after he's quickly changed his nappy. Talk soothingly to him, but get it all done quickly, and then he can show baby all the creams and whatnots that he likes when baby is clean and calm again.

You both have your own styles and you need to learn to take a deep breath and let him do things differently. If you don't, you'll be back on here in a few months saying "DH hardly does anything with the baby".

I can see your point about the nappy changes but he's learning, just like you are so try really hard not to keep criticising him.

A lot of these replies seem to favour the father above the baby and causing prolonged discomfort to the baby for the sake of not hurting the poor man baby's feelings 🙄

The father's way sounds like performative parenting to me. It weirdly reminded me of the 'caring' Dad who insisted on cooking a fancy meal for his teenage daughter and her mates who expected pizza.The aim with the baby is to do whatever will minimise distress and get the baby clean and comfortable.