Daughter is going off the rails

[Itiswhatitis2022]

This is long so please bear with. Daughter is 18 in April. She has self harmed in the past and overdosed on otc medication. She is on sertraline after they suggested she was suffering with clinical depression. Was on Fluoexetin before this. I feel she is going off the rails and because I am concerned of the consequences of tackling this, I have been soft. We have got to the point where something needs to change and I am going to be proposing things such as deadlines for being home during the week and weekend, no drugs in the house, no boys sleeping over. I just don't know where to start with her as I know I have been a pushover. Any help appreciated as her actions and behaviour are impacting the whole house.

I had similar. It's ended up with me changing the locks and telling her she needed to find somewhere else to live.

It sounds as though she needs a medication review with the GP, do you think she's willing to talk to them? Does she see the sane GP each time?

Would she go somewhere neutral with you, like a cafe, where you can talk to her and find out if there is anything going on.

I don't have any experience of the DC taking drugs though. Do you know what she's taking? If she's talking drugs and sleeping around could she have ADHD? Usually it's one of the screening questions.

And @Itiswhatitis2022 it might be an idea to ask @MNHQ to move your thread over to the Teenage Section. You're likely to get more responses in there

Hi thanks for the replies. She has only been moved to Sertraline in the last month as she felt Fluoexetin wasn't working. We have a review with CAMHS this afternoon. She has in the past taken mdma and ket and smokes weed. She assures me it's just weed now but even that is harmful. She just doesn't see it though. I have written her a letter instead as this was a suggestion by Young Minds. Plan to give it to her soon. Do any of you have in place the time of night you would expect your do home?

Sertraline can take a while to bed in, so hopefully it will work when it does.

When she has done drugs did she do it socially or in solitary? How did you find out? Do you feel she's self destructive, or uses them as a coping mechanism? Is she currently in education at the moment or working etc?

I think 18 is a bit late to start trying to control her behaviour.

She tends to take drugs or smoke with others. I know this because she tells me. She says smoking weed helps her sleep and is a distraction from every day life. The thing is, it led her when she was high to go to some random boys house and he forced her to have sex, so it's not safe. She is in the second year of college but her attendance is dropping off. She says she wants to go to uni but I fear she won't make it and then it will be a let down for her and then she will feel crap.

The prescription for Sertraline isn't going to make a difference if she is smoking weed every day. She isn't in a space for studying A levels/BTEC and getting to university is the least of your problems. From April she will transition from CAMHS into adult services so that support will go.
Therefore you need to face the situation. The drugs are making her depressed and your house needs to become a place where she doesn't smoke, doesn't bring men. I would also talk to her college - I can imagine they will be able to give you a realistic picture of her attendance and progress - are you sure she is even attending? She's only 17 and you really need to take charge of the situation. I am not saying this will work but you need to do something.

She is attending college although needs to attend more. We are not pushing her to Uni, she really wants to go. I am not keen on her going as I feel she is not ready. What would you suggest I do to take charge of the situation?

I think at this point it needs to be your DD who is taking charge of her own behaviour. She won't be able to change if she doesn't want to and you can't make her.

So ask her what she wants and support her to do that. I mean instead of you setting a curfew, have her decide on what time she thinks she should be in by. Have her recognise which behaviours she needs to curtail and which to nurture to be able to live a healthy life.

So absolutely make your house a boy and drug free place - but it needs to be coming from her, rather than rules imposed by you. She has to want to do it, or else she may well just continue the destructive behaviour but out of your sight.

I don't think you can 'take charge' but you could step up.

But how do I get her to buy into that. She thinks coming back all hours is acceptable as is smoking weed on a nightly basis.

What does that mean. Step up? Sorry tired as hell.

She might need a really good therapist to help her. Chances are her relationship with you is not in a place where she is respecting your advice, albeit good advice, at the moment. She needs purpose, goals and good habits and to work through some issues she clearly is having like the coerced sex (rape) and she needs a way to develop those. I have an older daughter who got a wee bit lost at the same age and the right therapist changed everything for her, the wrong therapist did absolutely nothing so be my advice is to be choosey. Find someone your daughter can relate well to.

Stepping up ..looking at the situation and trying to make some positive moves towards making some kind of change by parenting your 17 year old daughter - which maybe should have happened at 14/15/16

How she was at those ages is different now though. Behaviour was not an issue so that didn't need addressing then. It's only been the last couple of months I would say that shit has hit the fan. So I get you. I need to step up and stop fearing how she might react (self harm, overdose) but it's so hard not to worry about this.

Thank you. I will talk to dd about the options. I think a text service would suit her well.

So she was raped? Has she suffered any other trauma?

It sounds like she needs some trauma based therapy. She may very well be self medicating.

I would encourage her to aim for university as it will give her something to work towards.

Does she get any positive attention? Do you go out together or cook together for example?

It's going to be very difficult to set boundaries since she hasn't had any. Suggestions would be tidying up after herself, cooking for the family, doing chores, letting you know when she's back late, not bringing strangers to the house.

Just don’t let her out at all and go to one of those places that helps with withdrawals

Where does she get the money to fund the drugs? I would personally stop giving her any money and just buying her what she needs.

And yet you haven't actually provided any tangible advice, just a snarky, judgemental comment.

OP- it seems like the drug use is part of a coping mechanism, does she have access to any support beyond the medication?

Has she been assessed for underlying conditions? We went through hell when DD was a teenager. She nearly broke us. Eventually she was diagnosed with autism and ADHD. With the right support she got back on track, completed her education, and is now a special needs teacher herself.

She has a part time job in a shop so earns about £120 a week.

She has been offered help. But refuses it. Even when I went into her room to say hi I was not wanted. She says everything is fine.