Autistic son? I don’t know what to do

[Sangeetafangeeta]

My son is 11. Bright AF, very well-behaved, not a single problem at school, ever.

His uncle (dad’s brother) is autistic. Very likely his paternal grandfather (engineer) too, and I often wonder about my DH.

My son’s problem (or is it my problem, seeing it through a female lens) is friendships.

He’s just not bothered about other kids. I can count on one hand how many times he has asked to see a friend. Never had a sleepover, rarely talks about friends from school (I know he does have some because I work at his school and see him), rarely gets invited to birthday parties. He often eats lunch on his own, hangs out by himself, and tells me he doesn’t know the names of most of the kids in his class. This is accompanied by a shrug. When he bumps into kids he knows he is unfriendly. At the same time he also thinks he is popular. With us he lovely and engaging and affectionate - and also incredibly grumpy!

Does anyone recognise what I have just described?

I’m so scared he’ll grow up to be a lonely adult, living in a bedsit and not taking pleasure in relationships.

Do I get him assessed? If I do, can this really help him learn to socialise, or is it just the way he is?

Thank you

The mood swings sound familiar! My son is like mercury.

Good to hear your son is doing better at college. Sounds like he’s getting there! Sending you my best x

I sound quite similar to you @lovemetomybones so why I am unable to see/accept a slightly more extreme version of this in my son is perplexing!

He certainly doesn’t seem upset by the situation.

now I’m worried about it “all falling apart”
in puberty as per a previous poster’s (well-intentioned) comment!

Does he feel safe and content? If yes, then he's fine.

Are you ND?

Yes, diagnosed with both autism and ADHD in adulthood.

Hi op as well as flagging this with the Senco I would be visiting your GP and asking for an autism assessment referral. A diagnosis of autism requires professional input and its going to be easier/quicker to do that when they're a child than when they fall under adult services where there's often long waiting lists. I wouldn't wait for the wheels to come off for your son, I would be proactive.

This is my question too. Some neurodiverse people are happiest without social relationships. And that's fine. Just because you view them as an ingredient of a happy fulfilling life (as do most of us I expect), it doesn't mean he does. If he's happy, that's okay.

In a bit further on. Always suspected, but came to a head in yr8. He's now in yr 10 and on autism pathway.
Tbh, a diagnosis won't make any difference. But knowing he might be autistic has made a world of difference. I love my social life and, although I like being alone, feel lonely if I want company and can't get any. Both dh and I are outgoing and friendly. Ds is not. But, crucially, he doesn't want people either. He has friends in school and in club, but they don't encroach on his home life. I've worried for years, but I've recently realised that we really don't think the same way (potential auadd vs autism), so what I'm worrying about isn't an issue for him. He's always known he's the 'weird one' , but that's become part of him. Like it did with me- only I found a tribe of weird ones and have a job where being weird is ok.

I do worry that his life will be isolating and empty, but a remarkable number of relatives have gone the same path and they seem OK.

Regards an assessment, yes, definitely start the ball rolling and get him assessed. The SENCO will probably say everything is great and he doesn't stand out. He probably doesn't. They can be a bit rubbish sometimes unfortunately. We ended up going private for an assessment and just so glad we did this. The wait lists are years long and our SENCO gaslit me quite terribly.
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Knowing he's Autistic/ADHD has been great for my son, for all of us. We're open about it and he's open and it just means so much to know who he is and when he interacts with others who are the same. It's also going to be really important as he grows in terms of education and future employment.

Should he need a bit of extra understanding or support, you're going to need this proof in reality. There can be alot of gaslighting in schools when kids struggle ( e.g blame the parents for not parenting properly) when there are additional support needs that need accommodating.

Ref friends - I have to remind myself daily to stop projecting onto my son. Any friend type issues that upset me, he doesn't give two stuffs about. When he overheard a parent saying he couldn't sleep over because he's loud and annoying, he didn't care, he really didn't. I did. It hurt me alot. But now I see it's me who cares more, I work on not putting my version of normal onto him. Now, we both laugh if we know a friends parent is dodging having him for a sleepover! He has the skin of a rhino and I wish I was like that. Your son is very possibly the same. He doesn't care and may not really want a load of mates or to be sociable.

Definitely go for getting that assessment, whatever the school says. Your instincts are telling you this already and many people will potentially tell you you're wrong because it costs money at the end of the day. Ignore them.

I have nothing to add other than you sound like an absolutely wonderful mum (and great person generally from how you’re interacting with people here) and I’m glad that your DS and wider family have you. I think he’ll be grand with you on his team.

Also I’m dyspraxic (diagnosed as an adult) and was flagged with ADHD and autism traits with an ND screener at work and my nearly 4 year old is awaiting some kind of assessment (unspecified but I contacted the HV for input and he came out really low on social and emotional skills at the 3 year check bless him despite being super caring and empathic) so I see this in our future. As I was diagnosed as an adult I don’t know what it means as a child but finding out at 26 that I was dyspraxic was liberating and genuinely life-changing. I sway between going privately for my son to speed things up and not wanting to get a diagnosis he doesn’t need (as it does seem like if you pay you get it as much as I hate saying that) but in all things I try to remember to look at the child in front of me and be guided by them. If he’s happy you’re doing a fantastic job

I agree with this.

@Yarrrrr sorry to derail but it's good to remember that a private practice who makes a mistake and dishes out incorrect diagnosees so to speak is going to risk losing their livelihood and practice for making such a big error. It is not worth the risk to them, therefore more likely to get a more thorough assessment when private because of the profit / reputational implications - unlike the NHS. Private practice should also follow a standard approved process set by NICE.

Parents who go private are also going to nearly always be right in their instinctive knowledge something is different when they're at this stage. To get to the point you're going private, it's because you're right even though you may be getting fobbed off by GPs,schools and possibly family.

• but you know on some level you're right and this needs assessing.

The downside of this is it can cost a fair whack. We paid £2k for a very thorough NICE guideline approved assessment. That's alot of money. I was gaslit so terribly,NHS refused assessment, I was having a virtual breakdown over everything and no one would help because it was passed off as something else ( parenting). Took out a loan so I could put this to bed. Child diagnosed and now it's clear as day as he's open and not really masking it.

Appreciate not always an option for all to pay.

Haven't read all replies OP, but as the parent of a recently diagnosed 23 yr old "high functioning" autistic son (I know that term is no longer used, but he's highly intelligent, went to main stream school, has a part time job, travels widely, etc.) I'm very happy that your chap has been diagnosed so early.

Please take advantage of any assistance that's offered to you. I wish our guy had been diagnosed earlier, as it's now completely out of our hands. He's 23, an adult, and we can only support and encourage him, but can't speak for him. Please speak for your son while you can, and get every assistance you can for him. He has to live with this for the rest of his life so what you do now will matter long term.

I'm confused by your post. You say he is autistic, then ask if you should "get him assessed". You do not know if he is autistic or not if he hasn't had an assessment, so are you just assuming that he is?

Get him onto the waiting list. At 11 many autistic children are coping ok, then everythinf collapses in YR8, 9, 10. If you believe he may be autistic they either arrange a private assessment or get him on the waiting list asap because there is little chance of him getting any help - if he needs it - without a diagnosis and just on your say-so.

I agree with PPs to that regardless of whether he is autistic or not you shouldn't be pressuring him into social relationships he doesn't want if he's happy how he is. However, if he IS autistic he may need support with both school and social relationships later. And, in the meantime if you suspect autism, have you done the groundwork through primary school regarding helping him with emotional regulation, expressing emotions, understanding how he feels and what other people might be thinking, proprioceptive issues, etc? Put tools in places to help him, the extra help autistic kids no matter how bright generally need with such things to build the foundations for happy social relationships (to whatever extent they want them) later on?

Have you spotted any executive function issues and put support in place to help him with that (given ver academic kids can have huge deficiencies in this area that they hide quite well because they're so smart, until they can't anymore and it all crumbles)? Have you researched everything (from reputable academic sources - don't ask the SENCO!! Most are utterly clueless) and put supports in place for him to try to prevent any issues later?

There is a lot you can do to support him socially, emotionally and practically if he is autistic even before a diagnosis. If autism exists elsewhere in your family hopefully you're already well aware and doing all of that and not operating on debunked stereotypes or "he seems fiiiine because he is compliant at school and gets good grades". Mental health of so many autistic people has been destroyed that way, with support needs ignored because they're intelligent, and schools sadly still will always still do this generally too because the autism doesn't affect their staff or other pupils negatively therefore in their opinion doesn't matter.

Also at 11, he's at a crucial transition from primary to secondary. You really need to get a handle on the above very fast if you haven't already because that is such a critical point in development.

Being in secondary school is an entirely different ballgame for an autistic child.

What's an autism pathway?

Having had an initial NHS assessment and been put on the endless waiting list to actually have a proper diagnosis.

Op, your DS sounds autistic. Be prepared for SENCO to play it down, my DC was called a 'mad professor' and 'a bit quirky' and it wasn't until paying for a private assessment he was diagnosed as barn door autism (he scored really highly in some areas).

He doesn't have friends but rarely notices. Literally twice has noticed he doesn't seem to make friends easily and asked if he was normal. Diagnosis came as such a relief for him and allowed us to get more school support.

When people speak of puberty it's true that any masking (not intentional deceit, but amazing coping and adaptation) drops. It becomes more obvious they're missing social cues and moods are, well, teenagery like anyone else.

Although DS doesn't have friends he's popular. Everyone comes to his birthday party and he gets invites, just doesn't nip off on his bike to see his mates or anything like that. Incidentally, computering can be a way to self regulate and could be why his uncle does too much of it.

Just to ensure you have looked at every angle - are you sure there are no other issues at school that could be going on? I say this because we had a very similar thing with our son in his previous school before things came to a head and it turned out he had been being bullied but in such a way that he had got it twisted in his head that he thought these were his friends and this is how friendship worked (hence not being that bothered about it!)…... he would also have said to me at the time that he had loads of “friends”.

Cue a move of school and therapy to help understand what real friendship is. He is now like a different child about his relationships with people at his new school.

My ds was very much like this, now 17 and finally should be getting diagnosed ASD soon (I've suspected since around 2).

I mean this kindly, as I was (still am really) the same. But you are worried about him not having things that are important to you. - close friends, relationships, not living alone for all of your life etc. For my ds these things don't seem to be a concern / important to him. He doesn't seem to need this social interaction like I do. He does have some friends but they don't seem close to me and it's mainly online. What I'm trying to say is try not to presume that what matters to you matters to him. Your idea of bliss on some 18-30 holiday surrounded by 15 mates may be his idea of hell. And that's ok.

It doesn't sound like he struggles with the social stuff; it sounds like he's fine with it. Have you asked him if he's happy about his social life or not? People don't have to have friends.

I’m not autistic, and I note your son doesn’t have any history of behaviours associated with autism except lack of interest in friends.

I had friends in primary school, but then moved to a convent school overseas and didn’t really click with anyone, and then in my tiny secondary school I had no particular friends - again, no shared interests (I’m not interested in ponies). I was quite happy by myself, lots of interests (solo sports, reading, music) and was quite happy with just my family for socialising.

Then went to a much bigger sixth form and met people I had stuff in common with, then went to uni and had a big social circle then. Active social life all through my 20s and 30s. Now I have kids I see my friends less (though we do meet up every month or so for dinner), and I also have work colleagues who are basically friends at this point (go round their houses etc).

So, lack of friends in his teens doesn’t necessarily mean lack of friends as an adult, and doesn’t necessarily indicate he is ND if there’s nothing else to suggest that.

My husband has never really been interested in friends. He has a handful but is happy seeing them once a year or so. He doesn't really want to see them any more frequently. He's not autistic, just likes his own company and gets his social meter filled from me, the kids, and just normal daily interactions with work etc.

He's a very happy person, probably the most even-tempered person I've met! He's just not really interested in friendships.