Autistic son? I don’t know what to do

[Sangeetafangeeta]

My son is 11. Bright AF, very well-behaved, not a single problem at school, ever.

His uncle (dad’s brother) is autistic. Very likely his paternal grandfather (engineer) too, and I often wonder about my DH.

My son’s problem (or is it my problem, seeing it through a female lens) is friendships.

He’s just not bothered about other kids. I can count on one hand how many times he has asked to see a friend. Never had a sleepover, rarely talks about friends from school (I know he does have some because I work at his school and see him), rarely gets invited to birthday parties. He often eats lunch on his own, hangs out by himself, and tells me he doesn’t know the names of most of the kids in his class. This is accompanied by a shrug. When he bumps into kids he knows he is unfriendly. At the same time he also thinks he is popular. With us he lovely and engaging and affectionate - and also incredibly grumpy!

Does anyone recognise what I have just described?

I’m so scared he’ll grow up to be a lonely adult, living in a bedsit and not taking pleasure in relationships.

Do I get him assessed? If I do, can this really help him learn to socialise, or is it just the way he is?

Thank you

Have you spoken to his school’s senco for their input? They should be able to help with support to help him socially. However, be careful that you aren’t trying to make him fit into how you perceive his world should be because everything in your post suggests you are viewing things from a neurotypical viewpoint.

Thank you for this… you’ve nailed exactly one of the things i’m worried about - my perception of how things should be clouding my judgement.

I honestly don’t think he’d even blip on Senco’s radar unless i specifically ask them to observe because everything else is so, for want of a more appropriate word, ‘normal’.

Op the assessment process has very long wait time too. Is your doing okay at school?? Is it just the social side he struggles with??

Literally just the social side. I have zero academic or behavioural concerns (other than his grumpiness which I’m sure he gets from me anyway!)

Haha… not far off! My dad has made this very observation. DS isn’t quite as obnoxious!

Is he unhappy about his lack of friends?

I think he has formed a great bond with you and the rest of the family and that bodes extremely well for him forming a similar bond with other people later on.

He’s just not bothered about other kids

Neither was I. I was forced into very uncomfortable managed 'friendships' for years, even as a teen when I should have been able to manage my own relationships with others I was under pressure to mix when I didn't want to

I’m so scared he’ll grow up to be a lonely adult, living in a bedsit and not taking pleasure in relationships.

I have been happily married for over 20 years and raised my children to be independent adults. I do not have traditional friendships even now but i absolutely am at my very best self without the external pressure of others.

I often read on here parents viewing things with their expectation of what they think their children should be doing, and completely miss that's to meet their child's needs sometimes that means understanding they are not 'the same' - some kids don't want or need to be socialising any more then is necessary in a daily basis.

@Sangeetafangeeta my son was exactly the same. He's now 19 and finally asked for a assessment last year. He struggled so much at school socially but never spoke up, just kept his head down and got on with it....his words. Sending hugs x

Nope. Not unhappy at all, which I guess is reassuring.

And thank you for your positive comments.

As an adult with autism please don’t put your own assumptions and expectations on him - if he isn’t bothered by having friends or close relationships that absolutely fine. Lots of people with autism just find other people absolutely draining and exhausting, I do. I get what I need interaction wise from here and other places online, where I’m in control and can shut it off as I please; and I do have a dh and Ds, we all have autism so all understand each others need for space. Of course not all people with autism are the same - my son aged 12 is very social and has a lot of friends and enjoys that (they all have autism too, he’s at a specialist school). But for me friendships were torture, I never really understood what all the fuss was about and I used to get annoyed with other children asking to play with me at lunch - I always wanted to play alone. In some ways I hope this reassures you that it’s actually okay if your son is happy being like this. If he’s not, of course that’s different, but it’s okay to not have friends.

Thank you so much. How is he doing now?

@Sangeetafangeeta our GP put him on antidepressants as his mood swings were quite severe. He's better, his social skills are improving too. He's at college 3 days a week and does voluntary work for two days. Still reserved though with making friends 😐

Thank you so much for taking the time to write this. I want DS to be himself, and I also want to know if I’m taking the right steps to help him become the person he is meant to be. I love him so much.

Are you ND?

Some people just don't like socialising much. He may be absolutely fine until he meets his 'people/person'. I'm one of those. I was often forced to socialise and play with kids that I didn't want to by my parent, I hated it. Maybe he is ND, maybe he isn't..But quite frankly I think many people are just introverts who like their own company or that of very close family. I don't think that needs a diagnosis.

I would suggest you bring him to the SENCOs attention - just because getting help can take years, AND things can fall apart in puberty. But if he's happy then I wouldn't worry too much. Maybe try to encourage activities he is interested in.
Oh and keep a diary. Just in case you need evidence in future years.

Thank you for taking the time to write this. You are, of course, absolutely correct and it reassures me so much you have loving relationships. I’m not the biggest socialiser myself, so I get it, but I just can’t bear the thought of him sitting gaming in a bedsit alone like his uncle.

My son who is 3 is autistic, he has absolutely no interest in his peers, he won't play with them, talk to them, engage in anyway, but he will happily do his own thing next to someone and moreover he is a very happy little boy! He gets his interactions from trusted adults, he definitely isn't lacking because of it.

And although I haven't been diagnosed autistic I pretty much think I definitely fit some of the criteria. I found friends easy to make but difficult to keep. Social interactions social events absolutely drained me and still do. I rethink conversations in my head over and over. I stick quite ridged to social rules and am always annoyed when my husband doesn't. In the end I slowly lost most friendships due to all above, but I'm so happier with them. I don't feel overwhelmed, obliged to do things I don't want to do, I don't have to decompress after being over stimulated or worry if I over shared or over stepped. I have a lot of hobbies that I love, a lot of audio books and podcasts, my children , my career, my best friend and my husband. To me that is a very full life and I don't need or want anything more.

Sometimes friendships are just so overwhelming, to me the phrase hell is other people couldn't be more accurate!

Would also add to my post that I have also been happily in a relationship/married for 20 years with 2 incredible children, despite being a massive introvert.

But is he ‘happy’ with his situation? If his answer is ‘yes’ , that’s all you need to know.

We don’t all form friendships with everyone who is in our age/ sex/ social class when we are young. I don’t think I had more than three friends when I was in senior school (and one of them I was secretly a bit 🤷🏼 about).

When I went to University I found lots of people who were just more on my wavelength. Several are still my friends more than fifty years on….Oh and I have been married very happily to the same person for more than forty years.

Not all of us need more than a few people; trust us to find them.

Thank you for your practical advice.

I think I will have a word with Senco, but can children really be helped fundamentally with socialisation?

You’re right, of course, and as an introvert myself I really should ‘get’ this!

I need time alone to decompress, and my DS definitely needs decompression time too, so I make sure he gets it every day. His social challenges seem more pronounced than that which is why I worry.

Thank you for caring enough to reply. Much appreciated.

I'm autistic and I live on my own and have no friends and that doesn't bother me. I don't experience loneliness, I'm not even entirely sure how loneliness feels. I need time away from other people to "reset" otherwise I become exhausted.

Your son might just be a natural loner and he might need to eat lunch in solitude to face the afternoon.

Could he just not have found his tribe yet? What are his interests?