How would you have reacted to this?

[getmeout12]

Background: DD1 is 6 (eldest). She has started to show some real sass and attitude, and I don't just mean a bit of attitude here and there but real self entitlement and actually quite rude. She will completely ignore people and then claim she was shy or didn't hear them. She is cheeky and for example when her granny told her off last week, she shut the door in her face and said something along the lines of "yes well we will see about that won't we?".

She seems so unbelievably thick skinned that even when she is being corrected for her actions I almost wonder whether she is taking it on. It's like nothing phases her.

She is privately educated.

So today I was showing a new cleaner around my home. Cleaner was telling me about her 17 yo daughter helping her out during the school holidays. I said to DD "did you hear that- this lady's daughter who is now a big girl and 17 helps her out with her cleaning. Will you do that for me when you're older?".

DD look at me dead in the eye and says "but I don't want to be a cleaner?"

I was embarrassed, so I said "yes but with whatever jobs I have really, anything with my work too like this lady's daughter helps her with her work".

DD looks at me and says "but I am going to be a doctor and that means I will practice medicine. You don't practice medicine, so I won't be able to help you".

I was flabbergasted. Cleaner didn't know where to look.

I sent her to her room for 1.5hours where she sat and read. I've then called her down to tidy up her room.

I'm cancelling two activities she was due to have on next week and allowing her cousins/siblings etc to go, but not my daughter. She almost doesn't seem phased.

How should I deal with this sort of behaviour?!

Gosh that sounds like a lot of 'punishments' for what sounds like a 6 year old learning about conversation and social norms etc. it sounds like she misunderstood and thought you genuinely meant helping with jobs as in employment rather than 'jobs around the house' ...kids can be so literal.

Isolating her by sending her to her room and removing her from TWO activities really feels like over kill and likely to make it worse.....how about sitting down and explaining what you actually meant, and why her comments where uncomfortable? Punishing her won't help her learn....

What has being privately educated for to do with it?

Huge over reaction tbh.

Sending her to her room and cancelling two activities next week is over kill.

And next week is too far away for a 6 year old.

Did you explain to her why what she said was rude before sending her to her room? Because to a 6 year old there is clear logic in her wanting to do one job meaning she can't help you in another - does she know anyone with two very different jobs?

Teaching manners is massively important, but just throwing punishments won't help that

I have a 6 year old and if she did that, I don't think I'd cancel the two activities.

It’s a bizzare conversation all round. Can you even explain what was rude about what she said?

What job do you do OP? Will you be expecting your DD to go to work with you and help you out when she’s 17?

Seriously though, I don’t think your DD was being rude, just factual. She still quite young to understand, recognise and respond appropriately to inane chit chat.

What! She didn't do anything wrong.Loads of private school parents are medics, you asked a 6 year old a silly loaded hypothetical question and then dished out really strong punishments. V odd.

She wasn’t rude to the cleaner or to you in front of the cleaner ? She was just being factual and honest - that shouldn’t be punished .

I’m not sure what your daughter actually did wrong in this instance. She stated a fact. She can’t help you because you’re not a cleaner and she doesn’t plan to be a cleaner.

You’re taken your embarrassment out on your child. And if your child did mean it to be disparaging towards cleaning as a profession, then that’s probably something she’s learned from you.

She clearly thought you were talking about her future employment; not helping around the house. You’re basically punishing your daughter for having future career aspirations. There was nothing rude about what she said.

Goodness at that age DS1 told his teacher he’d be a class helper but, as she’d described it as “a little job”, he then spent the weekend anxious and in tears because he had his heart set on working in Beefeater when he was older! He took her extremely literally and thought he couldn’t do both. I explained to the teacher that he spent the past two days consumed with worry and wouldn’t be the class helper. Nobody punished him for his literal interpretation.

That was a very weird thing to ask your 6 year old in front of someone.

Are you annoyed because she showed you up a bit by not lisping prettily 'of course I'll help you mummy!'

To be fair to your daughter, you did keep the conversation going - I would have cut it short and changed the subject as soon as I could see the direction it was taking.
Imho your punishment was harsh, a telling off for being rude (and explaining why) would have been sufficient.

I'm not sure I fully understand the "cleaner" conversation. It probably wasn't a good idea to compare your 6 year old to a 17 year old and in front of someone. But she should not have shut the door in her grandmother's face.

Did she understand that what she saying was rude? Have you talked to her about this?

"did you hear that- this lady's daughter who is now a big girl and 17 helps her out with her cleaning. Will you do that for me when you're older?".

Well if you play that sort of manipulation game with her you deserve all you get. Why throw such a question at her? To embarrass her? To show her up? To criticise her in a subversive way? To assert your power?

What can you be thinking of? No wonder she is giving you grief if you are treating her in this way.

Ah OP, you're being really harsh here sending her to her room. She won't have a clue what's going on here I have a feeling. It's ok because you're just feeling embarrassed, shame and fear. Been there got the t shirt. It's the way we are conditioned to feel sometimes.

I imagine this isn't the only thing. I'd hazard a guess there have been various things and this one incident just stood out and brought you here because you felt humiliated. You're now worried about what you've created.

You really don't need to worry. All you need do is get yourself together inside so you're chilled and calm and then just talk to your daughter about it. I imagine you can have intelligent conversations with your daughter so it won't be beyond her to understand what you didn't like about the scenario. Be gentle because she really is not intentionally being a horror here I'm sure of it. She won't understand all the social nuances of this scenario just yet.

Did she understand that what she saying was rude?

I’m an adult and I (along with several other posters) don’t understand how what she was saying was rude.

I don’t think she was rude. I bet the poor kid is really bewildered in this instance.

That conversation sounds more like she was bewildered than rude.

Agree

I understand you were embarrassed but I don't think you should punish her for that.
She was stating facts as she doesn't realise it's rude to speak like that.
Maybe explain to her instead of the punishments.

She's got high opinions of herself for a 6yr old. She should be helping now tbh, taking her plate to the kitchen for example.

Are her classmates arrogant too?

In the kindest way I think you would benefit from doing some reading around parenting and child development. I think your expectations and conversations you are having with you young child are way off. I also think you need some guidance around punishments/consequences because this is overly harsh and will have little affect on teaching your daughter anything. 1.5 hours in a bedroom for punishment is not ok and will just make your dd feel resentful rather than learning what to do next time. Alison one consequence is enough for any unwanted behaviour but I wouldn't have punished in this situation

I was expecting something very different when I read the opening line of showing the cleaner round, something along the lines of she through something on the floor or made a deliberate mess and then demanded the cleaner clean it up or something.

It was a very strange conversation to have with any child and almost certain not to go the way you wanted.

Punishment is uncalled for.

OP the vast majority of PPs are right, you've over-reacted, she's not been rude, you seem to be bent on misinterpreting anything she says or does as "naughty" when in reality it sounds like all the adults in her family have far too strict expectations and a punitive attitude to young children. I'd sort yourself out or she'll be NC at 18.

I have bipolar disorder and the way you're reacting to the very ordinary and benign conversation with the cleaner reminds me of how I can get when I'm at the start of a manic or mixed episode. Is this at all possible for you OP?

I would have apologised to the cleaner for any embarrassment caused but wouldn’t have punished dd. She’s 6, it’s your job to teach her manners.

She sounds like a character!

I think as a PP said it sounds like she has a high opinion of herself or is becoming uppity, however the way you involved her in the conversation was never going to give you the sweet answer you wanted. Do you have proper conversations with her?
My DD is nearly 7 and I have noticed she can get a little cheeky now and some of her friends come out with cheeky things but they need reminding of their manners.
When she did that to her Grandma she should have been told in no uncertain terms what she did was extremely rude, made to apologise and give an appropriate punishment at the time (you may have done this I understand)