A third?

[Expatinsingapore]

My husband and I are teachers in an international school in Singapore.
We have two boys who are 4 and 5. My husband and I have talked about a third for about 2 years now. I am getting to the point where I don't want there to be a bigger age gap than there already is.
Should we have three? Have you got more than two and have any regrets? Have you stuck with two and happy with your decision?
Helpppppp.

Thank you!! So lovely 🥰

We have three and love it. All of the logistical stuff often cited in here (hotel rooms, car etc) has been pretty minor on the inconvenience scale. And our three don’t gang up. Neither did me and my two siblings.

The major downside has been the difficulty facilitating stuff for the older kids. Not all hobbies, activities etc work and getting everyone to their various social stuff is tricky. It’s also hard to give as much 1:1 time as we did when we just had two. I do feel guilt about that but we work hard to give everyone a bit of what they want and they do get a lot out of each other, which I feel compensates.

You do have to lean into the chaos a bit but you just adjust, like you did for DC1 then DC2. Ours are 10, 8 and almost 5 now and it all feels quite manageable. That said, four would be too many for me and the compromises for the other kids would be too big.

We have 3 - girl, boy, girl - 11, 8 and 6.
I am one of six children and I always knew I wanted 3 or more. Our youngest is an absolute fire cracker - was walking by 11 months and ready to compete with her siblings from then on!! It all depends on your life style and the children’s personalities. We do have a very busy home and trying to cling on to my teaching career has been interesting over the years but I feel like we’re coming out the other side! Just don’t get a dog - we made that mistake 🤣

With regards to age gaps my oldest was 7 when my daughter was born and he’s a wonderful big brother x

I have 2 and would have loved a 3rd but we were later in life getting started with our family. We have decided to leave it but would both say if we were younger we would have had the 3rd. Go for it. My baby has just moved up to the next size car seat and has started walking. I am beyond sad that this is our last so I say go for it!

I think another thing for me was that wanting a third was all about my wants. Whereas I knew the two I have would have less of me. I guess they’d have another person added in to the love mix but I just couldn’t see how we could split our time further and it still be meaningful and plentiful. I didn’t want to compromise what we could give them and a third for us would have meant restricting what the other two could do too much.

I think once you have children, it's less about what you want as an individual (or a couple), and more about what is best for your family as a whole. It's inevitable that with three, each child gets less parental time, and some kids will thrive on that, and some will really, really not. It's a gamble.

I see this thing about children getting less time, which is obviously true to an extent, but also somewhat overstated I think. First of all, I think as long as you're consciously making the effort to try and give time to each child then it should be ok. I'm lucky that my husband is also an excellent and very hands on father.

I also think that by giving them an extra sibling then that's an extra person to have to interact with and build a relationship with for their whole life. Obviously you can't predict sibling relationships, but if gives the potential for more shared experiences and an extra loving person in their life forever.

This Christmas my eldest taught my youngest how to play chess, my two older kids are working on a programming project together and my youngest has been making smoothies for his older siblings to keep them fueled.

In a normal family, love, attention, support and friendship isn't a finite resource held by parents and eeked out equitably between the children. It exists in abundance between everyone in it and the shape of it is determined by resources and skill.

Yes, clearly the lion's share of competence, resources and caring is executed by parents but it is absolutely myopic and self aggrandising to diminish the value that siblings bring to each others lives too. It's not a zero-sum game.

As a fellow SEAsian expat expecting their third I would say go for it! Im excited for a baby in a place where we can afford help around the house, although there is inevitably sadness in not being near family. One thing to check is your school’s policy on how many kids they will give school places to. Most schools now cap at 2 places so we are very aware this will restrict us if we wanted to move internationally again in the future.

Have noted the ‘in a normal family’ passive aggressive dig

it isn’t about love not being able to grow but there are finite hours you can give in a morning to the number of children you have. Let’s not be disingenuous.

It's not a passive aggressive comment, just a statement of fact that acknowledges that some mnetters are lumbered with dysfunctional families.

I have an abundance of time for my three children, it's only one more after all, we're not talking 22 kids and counting here. Obviously, if you are already stretched with two you won't have the capacity for three. But with an active partner and a good work/life balance then it's very achievable without any handwringing.