A third?

[Expatinsingapore]

My husband and I are teachers in an international school in Singapore.
We have two boys who are 4 and 5. My husband and I have talked about a third for about 2 years now. I am getting to the point where I don't want there to be a bigger age gap than there already is.
Should we have three? Have you got more than two and have any regrets? Have you stuck with two and happy with your decision?
Helpppppp.

Bumping for you as thinking the same! X

Bump!!

Yes. Do it. If you have the time, the inclination and the resources then it's absolutely wonderful.

I'm probably not a great person to help as once our second is born in July we're planning on being done! But just wanted to say it's probably hard to compare to other people, as some people might struggle more or less with three and have different perspectives, so if I were you and wanted a third and would be comfortable financially, I would definitely say why not!

I had a third. After two boys I got my first girl (although of course a boy would’ve been wonderful too) and she is an utter delight. She has truly completed my family and I’d never have felt this way if I’d stuck at two.

Okay so slightly different perspective.

I was one of three and hates it - points that come to mind:

• someone is always left out. Two pair iup and the other is literally the third wheel
• tables are for four so getting a table was harder
• dividing time between three kids was hard. Each parent with a kid and then one left out.
• Hotel rooms are harder to come by
• You will probably need to get a bigger car
• You may need to get a bigger house or a couple of kids will have to share a room - not fun when you have had your own to start with

Sure the parents love the kid but maybe think about what being the third would mean to then?

If these don’t apply then cool but the loneliness and being left out won’t be in the parents but on the inevitable pairing of the other kids.

I was the third child (all girls) and I absolutely loved it, especially in my teen years. Similar age gap to what I would have.
In terms of money, we do quite well and have around £2000 spare put in savings each month so think we could afford it.
My biggest concern is being able to spread myself between each child.

You wouldn’t prefer not to exist though, surely @Whydoeseveryonewanttoargue !?

I am most definitely two and done but I do think any family planning has to be based around what the parents’ preferences are. Anything else has too many variations. Some love a big family, some hate it. Some adore having siblings, some hate them. Some hate being an only child, some really seem to thrive, some have a big age gap and love it and others hate it. It’s more down to individual personalities and dynamics than ‘is a third a good or bad idea’?

Ummm yeah I wasn’t he first kid so would have existed anyway…..

Good to know it’s just one of your siblings you’d extinguish then!

In all seriousness, what I was saying was that some people will love being one of three (as the OP did) and others will hate it. My friend is an identical twin and has two other siblings, older brother and younger sister, and they always were unbelievably close, to the point where it was almost difficult to break into their group. Others just aren’t like that and are distant at best.

The family you want should be the family YOU want, not the one you think your children might want, as you just cannot know what that may be.

I was the eldest of three. I loved it. I'm an adaptable type though, happy to share the attention of my parents and cope with the logistics of, erm, tables and squishing up in the back of the car.

agree that it is highly personal and not anyone’s place to tell others what is right for them, but you asked. I am one of two and my sibling died young. I hate not having a sibling and feel very alone. that said, population is out of control and having more than replacement feels wrong. we are at 8 billion people on this earth and it cannot be sustained. Why add of you are in any doubt?

But the tfr in Singapore is a precarious 1.06.

What do you feel is missing with 2? What do you feel a third would bring?

I think I would have happily had a third if I had started in my 20s instead of early thirties but now I like us being able to be with one each at times and I wonder how thinly stretched I’d be trying to accommodate all the party invites/clubs/homework etc.

We have 4 and it a busy but wonderful!

Happy to answer any questions @Expatinsingapore

We've been having the same discussion for the last 6 months 😬 currently we're on the sticking at 2 side, because - it's easier, we've got more time per child, more financially secure, more flexibility when it comes to travel/holidays, the health cost of pregnancy and babyhood again.

But... I do wonder about what our family would look like with 3.

Are you planning to stay in Singapore forever? (Assuming you're British?). Having 3 children and an expat lifestyle is probably quite different to having 3 back in the UK

We've just had our third and I know it's cheesy but it just feels like everyone is here now. For a year or so before I got pregnant I couldn't get the idea of a third out of my brain and now I feel like we're done. It's a calming feeling.

We never stay in hotels because my ASD child is happier in airbnbs, and we have a big enough car. Will have to move house in a few years but were planning on doing that anyway.

Go for it!!

When I was pregnant with my third, I read so many threads and posts and there was so much negativity. I don't know why. Three is fine. Lovely even. Some mild inconveniences and obviously harder in the sense of there being another little person's needs to continue. But if you enjoy family life and having children, and think you can meet their practical needs etc, then go for it.

I think we will stay until the oldest goes to secondary school which is 5 and a half years from now, and then move back to the UK then.
So children would be 11, 10 and 5ish.
We have a 4 bed property in the uk which we rent out so wouldn't need to worry about a house big enough.
In terms of why three, I have always wanted three, I just can't pinpoint exact reasons.

Thank you!!! What is the age difference?

Yes, reading them all now 🙈
What was the age difference between yours? I worry about the big gap.

Age difference is 4 years between each!

Eldest had just turned 6, middle turned 4 the month after. It's a lovely gap in the sense that they are at nursery/school during the day which gives me time with the baby, and they both just adore him - no jealousy whatsoever. Hard part is return to sleepless nights and loss of the bit of independence I'd for back, but that's only temporary.

I don't know why so many Mumsnet threads are so anti three children. It made me very anxious during my pregnancy tbh. As I said there are some mild inconveniences, but mild is what they are. Admittedly #3 is still a small baby but so far so good!

Ours are 17, 15 and 11 now. The four year gap has been absolutely fine.