I can't breastfeed

[Csmar]

I can’t breastfeed and this is breaking me!

My baby had a tongue tie and can’t latch properly ( although sometimes I put him on the boob and he gets sone milk). Tongue tie removed but he’s too used to the bottle now. He’s 8 weeks old.
I absolutely hate pumping. It’s so time consuming and I can’t find the right size of flange an my nipples hurt and are swollen. My supply is becoming less and less when I pump (currently just make myself pump twice a day) so this journey is naturally coming to an end.

I just loved so much to breastfeed him and have these moments. I’m grieving so much not experiencing it ever again I cry every day and feel guilty for not pumping more often but I simply can’t do it.

Has anyone had the same experience/feelings? How can I move on and not being so emotional about it? I know formula is absolutely fine and I’m not worried with that, it’s just the bond thing that I’m grieving.

I'm so sorry to hear you're having a rough time. I don't have experience myself but could you build in plenty of time for skin to skin hugs with your little one? That might help give you some of the moments you're missing. Try to be kind to yourself - it's normal to feel emotional about feeding your baby, and to feel cheated if your journey doesn't work as you'd hoped.

Don't underestimate how exhausted you'll be right now, and that never helps with adjusting to changes!

It'll be okay. Babies grow into toddlers and small children and big children and tweens and teens and young adults and then proper adults. Your bond will form naturally over time, through the love and care and time you bestow upon him. Breastfeeding doesn't change any of that, and doesn't enhance or add to that. I breastfed both of my babies many moons ago: honestly, it's a distant memory for me, and not even a memory for them. Everything will be fine. Save your energy at this difficult age!

It's fine

You can't do the splits, speak multiple languages either

Formula is fine.

Don't let the breastfeeding guilt patrol get you

I had a similar experience with my second and he was pretty crap at latching on because he preferred the bottle. I bought nipple shields which were more like a bottle and he had two feeds a day from me for quite a long time.
Also to say I didn't really breastfeed my first child for long at all and our bond was (and is) very strong and if you are able to get over your very misplaced guilt, you'll see that too. You're doing a great job and you haven't done anything wrong.

The bond will only improve when you’re not upset about breastfeeding! Remove the pressure, enjoy your baby, not the constant guilt and bad feelings about not being able to breastfeed, it’s not your fault, your baby absolutely does not care. Your baby just wants some food and a cuddle from you. I promise you, you will look back and wish you dumped the guilt earlier - that’s the one thing I feel guilty about, not letting the guilt go sooner!

So sorry you're feeling like this OP. I had to stop bf at 6 weeks due to an infected abscess, like you I tried pumping and just gradually cut this down until my supply dried up. I was devastated to stop bf at the time, but once I finally stopped pumping I felt so much relief at not feeling the pain and dreading pumping and also all the washing and sterilising of the pumps!

My little boy is almost 8 months old now and we have bonded so well and I love him more every single day. I honestly think not associating him with the pain of bf/pumping actually helped our bond so try not to worry x

You can still bond - cuddles and eye contact and smiles and songs while you’re feeding your baby will be just as special whatever medium you use. I’ve been where you were and I promise that your bond will
be just as strong as ever 😊

Would highly recommend a book called Why Breastfeeding Grief and Trauma Matters https://amzn.eu/d/9trtssO

Your situation almost word-for-word matches my own, and I was absolutely broken to not be able to breastfeed the way I wanted to. It was in lockdown, and so there was no support, and everyone kept barking ‘fed is best’ at me and so I gave up because I could see that in the abstract, but in reality I was absolutely heartbroken.

Someone on Mumsnet recommended this book to me and it totally changed me. I felt so seen in a way I hadn’t been before, and it was so useful to have an outlet for it.

Four and a half years on, I still feel a little sad about how my breastfeeding journey ended, but my little boy is absolutely thriving. He’s a happy, healthy, fun and engaging little boy.

I promise you that it won’t feel this way forever. Formula is an amazing invention and it’s brilliant to use it, and it’s also equally ok to be sad that your journey didn’t work out how you planned.

Same, tongue tie not detected until 8 weeks old and by 12 weeks old an official failure to thrive. Thank god we live in an age of formula eh?

He thrived on formula and I fed his 2 younger siblings mainly formula too as I was traumatised from having a baby chomping on my boobs 24/7 for 12 weeks. No way was I being attached to a pump either. Honestly formula is great and I bet you won’t always feel so sad about it.

Also I am incredibly bonded to my children despite my failure to breastfeed.

For alternative bonding experiences try bathing or showering together and baby wearing in a sling.

I think it’s a biological thing that we feel lost at stopping breastfeeding … whatever age the baby.

I was very matter of fact about it, fed one daughter for two months, gave up because I had so much milk I was sopping wet day and night. With the other I BF till she was about 7 months and was ready to move on to food.

with both when it stopped I felt sad and as though I was “losing” my baby.

Baby has had the benefit of your milk till now, enjoy giving him bottles, weaning soon! All the best xx

I could have written your post word for word 2 years ago. I was so much happier once I stopped pumping and just focussed on enjoying my baby. Pumping on top of trying to breastfeed and topping up with formula is just the worst of all worlds in my opinion.

There are lots of other ways to be physically close to your baby. We did a lot of contact naps and that was much less stressful than trying to get a good latch.

I felt exactly the same, I was extremely anemic and produced very little milk even when I pumped, my son also had a tongue tie, It broke my heart , I tried everything to increase my supply but nothing worked my son's 7 months old now and he's a happy healthy baby but I remember now hard it was not being able to give him the one thing I wanted to so badly. Things do get easier with time ❤️

If you don’t want to stop, then don’t. Get support from an IBcLC about getting him back on breast. You still have your supply so it’s possible - if you want to. It doesn’t have to end.
That grief feeling will pass in time.

It's fine to formula feed

However if you want to continue breastfeeding there's a few things you can try

1. nipple shields
2. A supplementary nursing system - with this you have a bottle of formula /BM and a long tube/straw which is taped close to your nipple / under the nipple shields. As you feed baby stimulates milk from the breast without getting frustrated at the volume coming out because baby is getting a steady supply via the straw
3. The Medela website has lots of good advice on rewatching if this is something you wish to try.

Just to provide some reassurance, I formula fed from birth and have a fantastic bond with my now toddler. A baby will bond with you as a result of you responsively caring for them. Looking into their eyes and cuddling them as you feed them their bottle, singing to them and holding them when they need comfort, talking to them as you change their nappy, contact naping on you during the day, bathing them, the list goes on. I'm sure others will give you some great advice if you want to keep going with breastfeeding but the most important thing is that you enjoy this special time as it goes by so so quickly.

OP I was you a few years ago and I remember is so well. I remember feeling embarrassed getting bottles out to feed in public and feeling so jealous of women breastfeeding their children so easily. I when awake at night I’d worry my daughter would be obese, having health problems etc etc. I felt like every new mum friend I had to explain I had tried to breastfeed and it hadn’t worked.

Im 7 years down the line now with a very bright healthy happy 7 year old and it all feels a million miles away. I wish I could go back to me then and hug me and say it really REALLY won’t matter and post partum anxious me believe me. Please trust me as a fellow mum and a nurse- your baby will be absolutely fine, it seems a huge deal when all they do is feed and sleep as it feels you’re failing at 50% of your job but you’re not. Bottle feeding is still feeding, snuggle up with them and enjoy every second.

If you want to still try feeding 8 weeks is not too late , get proper support from a lactation consultant.
on the other hand pumping is brutal and taking you away from spending time with your little one which will get you down further, if you’re finding it tough on your mental health do consider just using formula, you may be happier in the long run.

My friend had a baby about 12 months after my baby was born and I have her my breast pump. She asked if I wouldn’t want to keep it in case I had a second and I told her I would rather set my own tits on fire than pump ever again. I think I inadvertently put the fear of god into her but pumping trying to get breastfeeding established was such a low time in my life. My bond with my baby improved massively when I was no longer dreading every single feed.

You’re probably going to feel bad about it for a while. I certainly did. It started to ease about 9 months and was gone completely by about 18 months. It just takes time. It shouldn’t because you’re still feeding your baby, you’re just doing it in a way that works for both of you.

If you’re formula feeding I highly recommend Kendamil. I had a reflux baby and tried a few of the formulas and it is so much better and it actually smells vaguely nice.

It's not too late to attempt to re -establish breastfeeding.

At around 6 weeks, if things are going well, babies usually stop cluster feeding, your supply settles down (this is when a lot of women give up because they think they have "run out" of milk.

So I'd recommend getting some advice from La Leche League, or a similar support organisation and just taking you baby to bed for as long as you can, both of you topless to promote as much skin to skin as you can, and just seeing what happens.

You will still bond with your baby if you formula feed, I promise. You can still do skin to skin, talk to them, look into their eyes etc.

My friend had to go to the tongue tie place twice - they thought they'd resolved it the first time but hadn't. She then managed. Attending a breast feeding peer support group made all the difference for me. It took what felt like ages to learn and used formula top ups in the interim but we got there.
We used some formula that came in single use glass. Bottles so trying it wasn't a big investment.

Just look after yourself If you feel using formula full time is best for you that's totally okay.
If the idea upsets you then look up peer support groups and local La Leche League but it's okay to do what feels right for you.

I understand how you feel as I felt the same with my second child. But he’s actually bigger than my breastfed baby now. And there is definitely perks to formula feeding, with my breastfed baby, I wasn’t able to have a night away until she was 2. It was so much easier with my son. Although it feels so upsetting at the time. A fed baby is a happy baby.

I had a very similar experience..with both my children, albeit not in lockdown (which must have made it even harder @MayWelland )

My youngest is 2.5 now and I don't think about it much.. but I totally understand how heartbreaking it is not to be able to breastfeed when you really want to.

I second this book as a helpful resource in helping you feel better about your breastfeeding journey not turning out how you wanted it to.

Could you afford a lactation consultant, a proper IBCLC, who could support you to try again if you want to? 8 weeks isn’t necessarily too late, with the right support and guidance