Physically disabled son (age 7) and no playdates out of school

[Mumtoawarrior7]

Hi. My son is physically disabled due to a brain tumour crushing his spinal cord (his right leg does not work as it should). It also affects his speech so he can be hard to understand sometimes. He is mentally pretty sharp but quirky. Therefore he has always gone to a mainstream school. I am very lucky in that his school mates are very accepting and nice to him at school. He enjoys school and when I pass the playground it seems he is included in games which is great. However during the school holidays and weekends he does not see another child really. He does not get invited to birthday parties or playdates and any parents I've reached out to that he says he plays with at school but nothing has come of it. I assume the kids are happy to include him at school but don't want to hang out if they have the choice, and I get that.. he can't keep up physically.

Is there anyone out there that is in a similar position? I've found a club for disabled children that is very over subscribed but he may have the opportunity to go there on a Saturday sometimes. Just looking for a success story really, where a child like mine ends up with a solid friend/friends as I'm worrying more as he is getting older.

Oh dear that's hard. My boys are in secondary now, but I'm pretty sure that playdates were very driven by mum friendships at least until around year 3 or 4. In our London primary some parents didn't like to do drop off etc till around 7 so you might be just on the cusp of it. What's the response been when you've invited his friend over to yours?

I'm not sure playdates at weekends and holidays happen that much anyway? Most are after school?

Is it possible that parents are frightened by the care your DS might need, don't want to be responsible for him or are unsure what that might entail?

What happens if you (or he) invite them to yours?

You know, maybe they don't lol. I think when your not a typical parent you assume everyone else is having all these play dates with their healthy kids whilst I'm stressing about my kid having no friends. The summer holidays is the hardest because its such a long time and he does get down. It might change when he goes to high school. With the couple I reached out to, one read the message and didn't respond. The other said the child wasn't available but will get in touch when free (they didn't). I did get in touch with a charity that can set up play dates with children with disabilities but the child he was matched with was autistic and did not want to interact so it wouldn't of worked out.

How about joining scouting?

Are there any holiday playschemes in your area?

Tbh - as a parent of a disabled daughter, I find it hard to find inclusive activities. She needs someone with her 24/7. In lucky she goes to an amazing specialist school though x

I was going to suggest something like scouting. Hopefully, they could make reasonable adjustments for a number of their activities

What does he enjoy doing and is there a club that would suit that interest? My DD is disabled (although its not immediately obvious) and she struggles to keep up with classmates in the playground, so she generally steers away from anything too rough and physical. She loves art and crafts and so Brownies has been great for her. She has the added complication of being autistic and is definitely 'quirky' so playdates and birthday invitations haven't happened since she was about 5, (she's 9) but being in a club with organised trips and activities is definitely a positive for her.

That is not a bad idea actually x

@Mumtoawarrior7 My DD is 9 and she's in a similar position. She has one good friend at school and another from a football club for kids with cerebral palsy. She's a wheelchair user so we also go to monthly Whizz Kids clubs, which are great but no real mingling (wide age range and ability).

Do you have local activities for kids with additional needs? Many near us are aimed at kids with autism but there are others.

Ah I just had a look at what they do in scouts abd there's no way. He's very slow to walk and unsteady on his feet. He also struggles with fine motor skills so I feel like they/he will get frustrated with the tasks.

Scouting is totally inclusive though and the leaders will just adapt the activities to suit him. Most nights for Cubs (8-10yrs) are at the village hall playing games, doing crafts, making structures, learning things. So nothing that can't be adapted. It's not all hiking!

Why don’t you speak to a couple of local leaders before making a final decision? It’s really not unusual to have kids with disabilities or health conditions in scouting. They don’t do that much outdoor stuff really, if that’s a worry.

Scouting will be amazing they are very inclusive. I used to volunteer with brownies and we had a little girl there with very severe difficulties and we adapted absolutely everything for the whole time she was there (we didn’t even do overnight pack holiday we changed it to a day camp type thing instead with a late night on the last night as her mum said it wouldn’t be possible to do what we usually did so we changed the whole thing. Basically if one child can’t do something nobody does and we came up with suitable alternatives)

You could invite children for a playdate at your home?

Are playmates very common in the school? Not in UK, but at 7 my older dc hadn't been on a playdate, and younger dc has had a few as the mum is a sahm. Everyone else seems to be in full time childcare...

I have 2 neurodiverse kids & similar re play dates. I know it can be tough.
I’ve been able to find a local disability group for them which they attend weekly. I found it on our local disability Facebook pages. That’s been great (although it does usually have breaks over school holidays).
We also keep them fairly busy with days out/ movie plans etc. Museums, pottery painting, online gaming where they can be social on their terms & family games.

Is he into Minecraft? My DS became obsessed from about age seven. We found a monthly Minecraft club for him and he still goes now age 12, met a few others through it. And if there are any other Minecraft types at school they could play online together.

I just asked my DH about your scenario as he is a Scout leader - he said the only criteria is age. Other than that their motto is - 'there are no barriers' and they will adapt for ALL children within the age bracket. So I suggest giving a few local branches a call and discussing your specific situation. Scouts are amazing!

Otherwise, I agree with pp that playdates happen after school and not as often as you think! I suggest you try inviting a few round to yours - try a specific day/ date rather than an open ended request perhaps?

That's really good to know! I'll shoot them a message :)

Scouting is great for children of any ability. I don't know what you just googled but there is something for everyone.
https://sdgs.scout.org/project/scouting-children-special-educational-needs

I'm a parent of a physically able 10yo and until this year, if I didn't actively arrange it and take the kids somewhere there would t have been any weekend/holiday play dates. I did because she's an only child with no cousins or other family so I didn't want her to be alone, but it did mean me going and getting her friend(s) and planning an activity either in or out of our house and facilitating it all.

Now she's in year 6 they are contacting each other and setting up their own meets and playing out so I'm barely involved at all.

Just wanted to offer some assurance that the kids probably aren't all out and excluding your son, it just isn't so much of a thing unless the parents are doing it because they are friends.

As I've been told, you only need one (friend) :)

I have a very unusual DS7, as he's academically gifted as well as being autistic with significant support needs. I've arranged playdates with other DME (gifted and disabled) kids, but - interestingly - he's now struck up a friendship with our babysitter's autistic 11-year-old brother.

DCs do tend to run about a lot at that age. It annoys my DS7 too, who'd rather sit quietly chatting with a friend and building Lego.

I've found dedicated disability groups tend to be full of kids with severe intellectual disabilities, which doesn't work for my DS(s) and likely wouldn't work for your DS either. Maybe try FB groups, and similar, to see if you can find kids with similar disabilities who might want to hang out with your DC and do fun things together (that aren't necessarily physical). Or just ask around - there will be someone out there in a similar boat :)

I think it’s a real shame he isn’t being invited to any birthday parties. At this age, parties are edging into being smaller ones, but I would think there would still be some whole class parties. Has he really never been invited to those? That seems really off and rude that he’s being excluded.

As for playdates, can you invite other children over for one? To be fair, my youngest is nearly 7 and has only ever had 1 playdate. He has loads of friends and is well liked. It just doesn’t seem to be a thing that happens. Thinking about the children he is closest to, we parents are all just very busy and I don’t have the time after school to supervise little ones (it’s different for my 11 year old, who doesn’t need supervision).

My guess is that parents may also assume that you would have to come with him if he’d need support (even if he wouldn’t, they probably think this is the case). I would not invite a child for a playdate where the parent would come too as I just don’t have time to sit and chat. I invite children over to entertain mine so I can get things done.

I think your best bet is to do all the hosting. Sometimes this is just how it works when you are keen for playdates but others are facilitating them. It may also mean that other parents feel more obligated to reciprocate in the future.

At that age, most happen straight afterschool- perhaps ask if you can collect one of his friends from school with your son and have someone at yours for 1-2 hours?

Tbh, playdates are difficult to plan and sort out. You do need to be prepared to be the one to initiate it, host the friend and take them home. I found that once we had done a fee times, it was easier to have them round during the holidays, or I would take them to a park or somewhere.

It can feel disheartening when youre the main one initiating all the playdates, but then its important not to take it personally. Some parents are so hectic with work, other DC, etc, that sometimes they simply don't have the time or energy to organise a playdate.