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Parenting

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Physically disabled son (age 7) and no playdates out of school

43 replies

Mumtoawarrior7 · 21/10/2024 16:59

Hi. My son is physically disabled due to a brain tumour crushing his spinal cord (his right leg does not work as it should). It also affects his speech so he can be hard to understand sometimes. He is mentally pretty sharp but quirky. Therefore he has always gone to a mainstream school. I am very lucky in that his school mates are very accepting and nice to him at school. He enjoys school and when I pass the playground it seems he is included in games which is great. However during the school holidays and weekends he does not see another child really. He does not get invited to birthday parties or playdates and any parents I've reached out to that he says he plays with at school but nothing has come of it. I assume the kids are happy to include him at school but don't want to hang out if they have the choice, and I get that.. he can't keep up physically.

Is there anyone out there that is in a similar position? I've found a club for disabled children that is very over subscribed but he may have the opportunity to go there on a Saturday sometimes. Just looking for a success story really, where a child like mine ends up with a solid friend/friends as I'm worrying more as he is getting older.

OP posts:
user1494050295 · 21/10/2024 18:28

A lot of football clubs have inclusive football now. Chelsea does this at various locations

Octavia64 · 21/10/2024 18:30

Have you had birthday parties for him?

I found throwing a whole class party really significantly helped.
I was able to see some parents and we got some invites back, from which players happened.

Are you there at drop off or pick up? If so you could actually ask people in person - to invite over to yours for a play date.

Randomsabreur · 21/10/2024 18:30

Neither of mine do playdates, either after school club or an after school activity means there is no chance, probably common for a lot of working parents unless it's nanny demographic. I think my 9 year old has had one playdate ever. Depends a lot on the class

Very few parties in her class either, 3 in the 5 years she's been at school but younger child has had a lot more so it seems to be pretty random based on the class even within the same school.

Interested in this thread?

Then you might like threads about these subjects:

Mumtoawarrior7 · 21/10/2024 19:04

Randomsabreur · 21/10/2024 18:30

Neither of mine do playdates, either after school club or an after school activity means there is no chance, probably common for a lot of working parents unless it's nanny demographic. I think my 9 year old has had one playdate ever. Depends a lot on the class

Very few parties in her class either, 3 in the 5 years she's been at school but younger child has had a lot more so it seems to be pretty random based on the class even within the same school.

That's good to know. I am not around at drop off or pick up due to work commitments so that definitely means I do not really see many parents. I am getting the feel from this thread that it is absolutely the same for other parents of fully able children as it is for mine and I shouldn't be worrying at all and just see how it pans out for him as he gets older. I'm forever greatful for all the children at school having so much time for him when he is there and maybe he will meet a solid pal when he's a bit older and make plans for himself x

OP posts:
C152 · 21/10/2024 19:07

Yes, my DS was diagnosed with a brain tumour 2 years ago and surgery and treatment have left him with ataxia, colour blindness, partial deafness, processing difficulties etc. He is also an ambulatory wheelchair user.

He has two lovely friends from before the brain tumour, who are fabulous, but they don't go to the same school and, due to their extracurricular activities, we don't get to see them that much. His close friends from school do still invite him to their birthday parties, although a recent one we have declined because it's a sport-based party that he just couldn't physically do. Both the child and mum were lovely about it, with both suggesting DS go and watch from the sidelines, so he could join in with the cake afterwards, but it would have meant an hour sitting by himself watching other people have fun, so he decided he wouldn't go. When he first became well enough, his close friends still invited him over for playdates, even though it was practically difficult as people here have small flats/houses and the wheelchair takes up an enormous amount of space. But that has tailed off and when a big group go to the park after school, DS is often left standing on the sidelines. This is the same in the playground at school whenever I have walked past. The kids are also starting to make fun of DS's physical differences, which is hard.

So...I would say the success story is his original two friends that he's known since he was a baby. The rest have become 'friends for a season', as the saying goes. I am sad on his behalf, and I also worry that as the processing difficulties become more apparent with age, he'll struggle even more to fit in with a group. I am also looking for groups outside of school, although I'm searching based on personal interest rather than ability (e.g. things like archery, which he's already interested in, can be done standing or from a wheelchair). Are you based in London? Do you go to the annual GOSH sports day? That's a great opportunity for the kids to mingle with those in similar situations and try a wide range of activities, like wheelchair basketball, tennis, climbing, cycling, archery etc.

Can your DS use his right leg at all? Could something like cycling (on a tricycle or with training wheels) be something he could do with mates?

P.S. Come over to the children with cancer board, where you may find others who have experienced similar.

Ioverslept · 21/10/2024 19:11

I wouldn’t worry, my fully able children as you say have very few and far in between play dates. It actually came up in parents conference with my oldest when the teacher said how popular they are and I mentioned they hardly had any playdates and the teacher said it is usually when the parents are friends that the have play dates. Mind you I am very friendly but not friends as such with any of the parents and also usually not do the school runs and always have activities after school anyway. Maybe you can arrange something if you are friendly with any of the parents?

babyproblems · 21/10/2024 19:14

Goodness this is hard op! I would ask the mums again and invite them to your house- I would offer them maybe three dates in the same message so they could pick one; and I would make it more about all of you than ‘just the boys’ playing - I’d say something like “Hi xx! Was wondering if you and (son) would like to come over for a coffee and play during the break? I was wondering if you were both free xx, xx or xx? Any work for us. Would be lovely to see you” something like that. Or I’d find a group like scouts or a Lego club or a structured activity and I would join there and help him make new friendships. My mum is quite severely disabled and has lots of friends who are all able bodied. Keep pushing xx

Remarkablepass · 21/10/2024 19:18

DS has ASD and would have the same experience of no invites so we sign him up to hobbies (and then of course have to volunteer so that he and other volunteers aren’t overwhelmed). It works well for DS less well for my free time but we don’t get every thing :-).

Mumtoawarrior7 · 21/10/2024 19:21

Thankyou I'll check it out! Xx

OP posts:
Hercisback1 · 21/10/2024 19:25

OP I'm never around for pick up or drop off either. My child does get some party invites but not loads maybe 3 per year. We also don't do after school play dates because no one is around.

I'd suggest a party. Perhaps something like bowling if he could use the ramp. Invite the 6 kids he chooses and get parents numbers.

We don't do weekend play dates really either. I second scouts. You could also find out if any of the kids play roblox and join them online.

He will find his tribe in a bigger secondary but that probably feels a long way away.

crumblingschools · 21/10/2024 19:25

Some scouting groups are more hut based than others. If they go to activity centres then they should be set up for all children.

Depending where you live there might be different groups to choose from, one might suit more than others. Maybe contact your local District, they might be able to point you in the direction of the most suitable group

Hercisback1 · 21/10/2024 19:28

There's a lego club at the library round here too. It might be worth seeing if there's one near you. Most kids sit for the time building so he should feel included.
Look out for non physical holdiay clubs too. A local one is all arts and craft based. Depending on his motor skills this might be suitable. Sorry if these aren't good suggestions.

Potentialmadcatlady · 21/10/2024 19:29

I became a scout leader so my disabled ds could attend and they were v v good at adapting things for him eg he got cold quickly so I used to take him towards the end of activity so he could leave at same time as everyone else rather than have to leave early when everyone was still having fun.
‘Big’ school was when my ds really made some good friends who ‘got’ him. They would go off and play rugby etc then arrange to met to go to cinema/pizza so my son could join them for that.

Mumtoawarrior7 · 21/10/2024 20:03

InfoSecInTheCity · 21/10/2024 18:13

I'm a parent of a physically able 10yo and until this year, if I didn't actively arrange it and take the kids somewhere there would t have been any weekend/holiday play dates. I did because she's an only child with no cousins or other family so I didn't want her to be alone, but it did mean me going and getting her friend(s) and planning an activity either in or out of our house and facilitating it all.

Now she's in year 6 they are contacting each other and setting up their own meets and playing out so I'm barely involved at all.

Just wanted to offer some assurance that the kids probably aren't all out and excluding your son, it just isn't so much of a thing unless the parents are doing it because they are friends.

Thankyou so much this post really has given me so much assurance! I think you always catastrophize absolutely everything when you have a child with a physical disability and assume the worst. You feel kind of isolated at times because it's a grim old existence when you are at home watching them struggle generally. I think you imagine things are going much better for everyone else and your failing in some way. X

OP posts:
Myotherusernameisshy · 21/10/2024 20:23

Also really recommend scouts.
I have 3dc and with my youngest (now 10) I have noticed how much less he has been invited to play dates than his siblings were. He has loads of friends at school and clubs but it feels like people have never got back to having play dates like they did before Covid.

titchy · 21/10/2024 20:30

Ah I just had a look at what they do in scouts abd there's no way. He's very slow to walk and unsteady on his feet. He also struggles with fine motor skills so I feel like they/he will get frustrated with the tasks.

Our troop took a kid in a wheelchair to the Alps!

AllBranEater · 22/10/2024 15:42

I am a wheelchair user who went to South Africa with Guides, and various scout jamborees. At one jamboree they had a troop from a special school, so set up accessible abseiling, dry slope skiing etc which I got to join in with. I also had a lovely time near Ullswater, everyone was so helpful/willing to adapt activities.

Singleandproud · 22/10/2024 16:12

You need to do the hosting. Parents may be intimidated about what might be involved in looking after your son a their house (ofcourse they should ask). Or have multiple children to manage on the way home. Or not do playdates as they have to finish work or go to X activity. Getting to know the children and parents at your house isthe way forward

Scouting as others have mentioned is a great option - don't reject things straight away without enquiring about them and for things like scouting you can volunteer to help adapt things in the beginning.

But don't underestimate what can be done. I used to work as an activity instructor and we managed to get a physically disabled child up the abseil tower so they could abseil and zip line, and 'climb' to the top of the climbing wall using their arms and us housing him up - he had the best day

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