A child that will never fit in

[MrsSnape]

I feel so sorry for my son. I have posted about him before, he's 9 and is not at all like the other boys. He hates football as he is frightened he gets hurt, he has dyspraxia so can't run properly or anything like that and he has no real friends. Some of the other kids talk to him in passing but they soon go off with their proper friends and he's left on his own.

He wears glasses and his two front teeth stick out a bit so bullies are naturally drawn to his "geeky" appearance and I fear this will get much worse as he gets older (dentist have said he will probably wear a brace when he's older that will fix this but that doesn't help the current situation). Somehow he has also developed a "posh" accent, I really don't see how because he's always been surrounded by people with normal northern accents...an example of this was a boy went up to him yesterday and said "alright mate? you on msn tonight?" and my son said a drawn out, complicated reply of "well, actually I've been thinking, by the time I get home it's usually 3.20pm and then I have to get changed and have my tea. By this time its usually around 4.30 and we also have Karate so I'm not actually sure if I will have the spare time...". The kid just burst out laughing. Any other lad would have simply said "no, I'm at karate".

He went to the school disco last night, he really wanted to but I did have my concerns that he would be targetted. He insisted on wearing his black skinny jeans and chemical romance hoody...I warned him that none of the other kids would be dressed like that and he said he didn't care. So I dropped him off and picked him up at 7.30 and he was really quiet. Nobody had bothered with him and some older kids had spent the night ripping the piss out of his clothes and barging into him knocking him over.

I've been into school about the bullying but its not just at school. If I take him to the park the rougher kids are drawn to him and just take the mick. When I allowed him to play out the kids down the street made his life hell and it ended with him being chased down the street and finally knocked off his bike.

The truth is he is one of those kids that will never fit in. No matter how many times we "tell the teachers" and complain.

I'm starting to wonder if it's cruel to send him to school like this, its like sending a lamb to the slaughter every morning. I'm mainly dreading secondary school.

Does anyone have any experience of "Misfits" changing as they get older and getting on ok with school?

Being different can be a huge blessing in disguise
in the long run but to get through the school years he needs to work out
how to stay true to his colours without becoming a magnet for bullies.

And your gentle guidance is really quite crucial.

There is a thread currently in active convos that carries some observations
about geeks. You might want to show it to him and discuss it.

He sounds like a very clever lad.
If you made him aware of why he is attracting so much hostility at the moment,
I think you could trust him to work out his own solutions.

Agree your son sounds lovely as others have said. And I agree you need to innoculate him against others who judge him (though he seems to have made his own mind up about that anyway). I would just caution you about the "borings" term slightly, as it cements his outsider status. Kind of burns the bridges to write everyone else off as "borings"

Mrs Snape- I think you can probably describe your son as having an old soul in a young body. I think he sounds wonderful and very intelligent. Does he find his school work particularly easy?

I think he sounds a lovely boy-I always like the children that refuse to fit in a mould. I think he will be fine later but agree that it is difficult at the moment. Are the things that he can join out of school? Chess club for example. My nephew is a bit like that-he found a drama group and blossomed (he is quite shy but loses himself in a part), he is now in the National Youth Theatre. Have you spoken to the Head at his school? Try and get him/her on your side for secondary selection.

I was thinking about this today...TBH it takes great courage to keep true to himself, he knows the effects to be different but that doesn't convince him to blend in. Perhaps he knows that what's inside him is more important than the opinions of the other ones. The attitude of the other children may be hurting you more than it hurts him.

I work in an engineering company stuffed to the gunnels with chaps like this. They're still geeky, and some are a bit weird. But they design the coolest stuff in the world and they are almost all brilliant in their own field. Most of them are now happily married, breeding geeks of their own.

He should find friends at secondary school. There will be lots of different characters there. He doesnt have to mix with the kids that hang around the park and streets.

Please dont worry ahead for him. I'm sure he will fit in with the top set boys who are studious and geeky too.

like the "breeding geeks of their own"
DS and exh's colleague's little DD where talking yesterday about the millions of neurons connecting in the brain (they are 4 and 5 btw)

My BIL used to refer to the bullies as the 'hard of thinking'. He worked as a trader fro five years and then f*ed for a new life in australia. I should imagine the cools boys are still nicking cars and propping up bars somewhere.

This book:

www.amazon.co.uk/Unwritten-Rules-Friendship-Strategies-Friends/dp/0316917303/

has some interesting things in it. One chapter is on children described as 'different drummers' - ones who subtly get some things wrong in interactions, often doing things like giving too much detail or disagreeing inappropriately that you describe. The point of the book isn't to help children learn that it's wrong to disagree with someone, for instance, but rather to understand how it's breaking an 'unwritten [social/friendship] rule' if you're too 'in your face' about disagreeing with a new acquaintance, for instance. The strategies to deal with 'different drummers' include things like the roleplay idea someone else had - roleplaying conversations in groups, for instance.

For what it's worth, I also grew up as a bit of a geeky outsider at school, and based on that I would say that it is absolutely fine and right for your son to do his own thing and not change to fit in but skills on how to fit in will stand him in good stead throughout his life, and if he can see it as learning a useful skill like being able to drive a car, he'll feel the benefit even if he doesn't actually feel drawn to any of the people he'll be interacting better with. I always floundered and couldn't work out what to say or how and even now I still feel I get it wrong, but what I wish I'd learned much younger was that I could have used the very 'braininess' that made me feel (and probably also seem) weird to learn the 'rules' of how to carry out peer group social interactions when I was a young teenager. It's not a skill you have or don't have, you can actually work at it and improve, not with a view to becoming best mates with people you're just not interested in, but with a view to smoothing the path of daily life generally. If you can get your son to see learning some of these things as a bit like being able to drive or speak a language - not changing himself to fit in, but having a useful skill, then maybe things like the things in that book could help him?

My ds is only 3.5 but I really hope he is a misfit and not a sheep. Recognise that there is a downside too though, via the bullying. All the most interesting, funny and warm people I know were geeky emo outsider types at school. I was a sheep (although never involved in bullying) and at 32 I still struggle now with my sense of self and who I am. Your ds is a lucky boy indeed to know who he is from an early age. There is such pressure to conform to the crowd norms and I will be encouraging my boy to be him at every given opportunity when the time arises! (Bet now he'll turn out to be head sheep or something)

he sounds unique, quirky and quite wonderful.

DD3 16 used to be a bit like your son. She was ok at primary school as she had a couple of friends and most of the childen tended to look after her, also she was able to mix with the younger children which was good.
But she had trouble when she went to high school as she was immature and found it very dificult to make friends.
She then joined a Drama club outside of school which really helped her. She is now in the older group and has several friends there is no pressure on her academically in the club and all her friends share her interest in Drama.
Is thier anything like this taht your son could join.