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Parenting

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Original poster

A child that will never fit in

65 replies

MrsSnape · 24/04/2008 11:13

I feel so sorry for my son. I have posted about him before, he's 9 and is not at all like the other boys. He hates football as he is frightened he gets hurt, he has dyspraxia so can't run properly or anything like that and he has no real friends. Some of the other kids talk to him in passing but they soon go off with their proper friends and he's left on his own.

He wears glasses and his two front teeth stick out a bit so bullies are naturally drawn to his "geeky" appearance and I fear this will get much worse as he gets older (dentist have said he will probably wear a brace when he's older that will fix this but that doesn't help the current situation). Somehow he has also developed a "posh" accent, I really don't see how because he's always been surrounded by people with normal northern accents...an example of this was a boy went up to him yesterday and said "alright mate? you on msn tonight?" and my son said a drawn out, complicated reply of "well, actually I've been thinking, by the time I get home it's usually 3.20pm and then I have to get changed and have my tea. By this time its usually around 4.30 and we also have Karate so I'm not actually sure if I will have the spare time...". The kid just burst out laughing. Any other lad would have simply said "no, I'm at karate".

He went to the school disco last night, he really wanted to but I did have my concerns that he would be targetted. He insisted on wearing his black skinny jeans and chemical romance hoody...I warned him that none of the other kids would be dressed like that and he said he didn't care. So I dropped him off and picked him up at 7.30 and he was really quiet. Nobody had bothered with him and some older kids had spent the night ripping the piss out of his clothes and barging into him knocking him over.

I've been into school about the bullying but its not just at school. If I take him to the park the rougher kids are drawn to him and just take the mick. When I allowed him to play out the kids down the street made his life hell and it ended with him being chased down the street and finally knocked off his bike.

The truth is he is one of those kids that will never fit in. No matter how many times we "tell the teachers" and complain.

I'm starting to wonder if it's cruel to send him to school like this, its like sending a lamb to the slaughter every morning. I'm mainly dreading secondary school.

Does anyone have any experience of "Misfits" changing as they get older and getting on ok with school?

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TeenyTinyTorya · 24/04/2008 12:49

He sounds great - a real individual and strong minded enough not to become a sheep just to fit in. My littlest brother is a bit like that - chess playing, skinny, posh geek with glasses. He has occasional problems with fitting in, but as he is home-edded he doesn't have to spend every day with kids taking the mick out of him - he has very good friends.

I agree with what Notabanana said.

mrsruffallo · 24/04/2008 13:06

Does he say he wants to go to school ?
If so, why don't you invite one of the children who do talk to him round?
I think he'll be fine- he sounds very individual and intelligent
I don't see why everyone else has to criticise the other children- we are all different in our way, your son just has the maturity to be proud of it
I think the fact that some of them try with him is what you need to focus on, and in his own home with you there may be the answer

Pavlovthecat · 24/04/2008 13:09

Many many 'misfits' turn grow up be the nicest, most succesful, happy people around. His natural personality will carry him into his adulthood and he will shine because of it. It will not always be this way.

He sounds very sweet.

Interested in this thread?

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Original poster

MrsSnape · 24/04/2008 13:17

Mrsruffallo, I don't tend to critisise the other children, only the ones that are mean to my son, there is no need for it.

Unfortunately he doesn't have anyone that he would feel comfortable bringing home, the last time we did this the kid ended up being mean to him, stealing one of his playstation games and then telling all the other kids at school that he hated our house as it was boring.

He did have one friend but he has unfortunately moved away

OP posts:

oydal · 24/04/2008 13:17

Your ds sounds very lovely and confident, even with all the knock backs he'd had... if I was his Mum I'd be one proud Lady! You are obviously doing a great job - sometimes the hardest thing is to accept our children for who they are and encourage them to just be themselves. It can't be easy as a Mum watching your dearest being hurt, kids can be so cruel.

On a positve note, your son will be stronger and a more confident man compared to all the others who just follow the crowd, and he will have plenty of REAL friends!

cheesesarnie · 24/04/2008 13:22

ithink he sounds lovely!he sounds very intellegant and interested in whats around him.im sure he'll go much further than any of those that arent nice to him.dont try to change him-he sounds great!

Bky · 24/04/2008 13:27

Do you think it might actually get better when he goes to Secondary school, my younger sister (14) is very much into My Chemical Romance, skinny jeans, Emo I think it's called she goes to a large state Comprehensive and she has lots of friends who are also into that sort of thing.

I think they do get a bit of stick about it from the trendy, popular kids but I think it is more normal school differences rather than any serious bullying from either side.

Just because he is a 'misfit' at his current school doesn't mean that he will continue to be when he starts mixing with a larger group of people.

mrsruffallo · 24/04/2008 13:28

Sorry Mrs Snape, I didn't mean you criticsing the other children

Original poster

MrsSnape · 24/04/2008 13:33

Thanks for all the nice comments

Bky I am hoping he finds more kids like him at secondary school, at the karate class most of the teenagers are emo and I think that's why he's drawn to them, he was talking to a 14 year old girl the other day about what albums he had etc and they were getting on really well.

I think one of the big issues with him is that he over-thinks things, we're going to Florida next year and he's gone from being all excited to being worried about alligator attacks, sun burn and god knows what else...sometimes I feel like shaking him and saying "relax!!" lol

OP posts:

cheesesarnie · 24/04/2008 13:35

if one of my ds turns out to be like yours id be so so proud!please send your son here now!

fortyplus · 24/04/2008 13:36

Mrs S... I'll tell you something funny... a couple of really geeky boys I know have found that when they went to secondary school they were really popular with the girls! Nice girls who don't like aggressive, macho boys. So your son may have the last laugh

margoandjerry · 24/04/2008 13:41

He sounds gorgeous.

Did he mind that the other kid laughed at him? Obviously the bullying is not good but this kid sounds like his friend if they were going to MSN yesterday. So perhaps they like him anyway, despite his ways.

I think some kids are geeky and odd but they have an aura that even the bullies can't get past.

Oh and BTW, I know this is for the long term but all my dearest friends were misfits at school and grew into themselves. It's the way to grow up interesting and humble and observational and great to be with. The popular kids at school do much less well in later life, I think. Though obviously that doesn't help with your present concerns.

SoMuchToBits · 24/04/2008 13:41

Perhaps your ds could invite round some of his teenage friends from karate? Then he'd have company that he really liked.

My ds also loves the company of older children, and adults, so I see where he is coming from.

sarah293 · 24/04/2008 13:43

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margoandjerry · 24/04/2008 13:46

God riven, your poor son. Kids are absolutely foul, aren't they? Makes me want to go and find them and publicly humiliate them (in a totally appropriate MN type way of course).

SoMuchToBits · 24/04/2008 13:49

I know that children have always been unkind to one another if they don't "fit in", but I do feel that it is more prevalent than it used to be. Image seems to be regarded as everything these days, and if you don't follow the herd, no-one will like you.

It's so hard on people who are a bit different (and who often seem to be the thoughtful, caring people too).

sarah293 · 24/04/2008 13:50

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

KITTENSOCKS · 24/04/2008 13:52

When I first read the post, there were no replies, when I finally replied, I realised it sounded as though this young lad should change to fit in with his peers. I didn't mean that at all, but some of the OP's later posts gave away details that make me think he is highly intelligent, and the bullies just don't know how to deal with that. And I do agree he sounds a really fab kid, one I'd love to have a conversation with!!!!

shrinkingsagpuss · 24/04/2008 13:52

I was always a misfit at school.

I was tall, skinny, geeky, wore glasses, hated sport, too clever for my own good.

I had a rotten time at school, but always found things to do which I loved- and fortunately enjoyed learning, so it was enoguh for me.

I never had lots of friends, one or two at anyone time, and they came and went. I am in touch with NO-ONE I went to school with.

I was bullied, daily, verbally, and physically, and still by the time I was 17 and finishing my A-Levels (!!).

In my 6th form, I realised that I could be a person in my own right, and be liked, and that although the bullying was terrible it didn't matter.

I went away, and travelled, and went to Uni, and left it all behind.

I am happy now, found a sport I can do, got married, enjoy my job, have two DC's.

I suppose wht I am trying to say, is that if he is bright, and he sounds it, focus on that, and get him to concentrate on what he can acheive, rather than fighting a fight you may lose. Being popular is not all its cracked up to be (like I'd know!!). He will learn by his clothign mistkaes (I wore red trousers and red t shrt to one school dance.... ) but only he can find that out.

Be there for him, and listen, and try not to tell him what to do, just praise all the wonderful things he is good at.

SandyDennyWasAGreatSinger · 24/04/2008 13:53

i think it's a bit soon to say he'll never fit in. i totally understand your concerns, my dd is only 2 and i'm already having to slap myself for thinking things like 'she said something the other kids found a bit odd just then, oh dear she's going to be like i was at school...' Cos i was a total geek and although i made friends, they always made it clear they thought i was a bit odd. it did get much easier the older i got, and when i was in my late teens i finally found some kids who i fitted in with really well.

He should be proud to be who he is: a completely unique and wonderful individual. Go to any high street on a Saturday night and you'll see all the people who were 'popular' at school puking on the pavements and fighting each other...

scaryteacher · 24/04/2008 13:59

My ds is like this and it was hard when he was younger, but he is now 12, and copes with it well. He has some friends at school who are also heavily into computers, computer games and warhammer and not into sport, so he has found a niche.

Stock response to being called a geek, is that geeks rule the world, look at Bill Gates!

DS says that he is comfortable with himself and his interests and isn't worried about being 'cool', although sometimes he says he wishes he was. He sees himself as an individual, not one of the herd.

Interesting animal comparisons - I can remember thinking that certain classes I taught had a pack instinct if they thought a teacher was weak.

It will get better, and you can devise some strategies to help your ds cope with it. He sounds great - the others are probably a bit wary of him being bright!

MeMySonAndI · 24/04/2008 14:00

Jimjams recommended a book called "The unwritten rules of Friendship". There is a chapter in it about the Little Adult. It comes with some exercises to help them realise why speaking the peers "language" may help them to fit in.

I and Ex were misfits too (DS is also going into that direction), but as long as there was a good friend around, even if it was only one, things were PERFECT.

Now, starting university was like getting into heaven, particularly in the most difficult courses, then everyone looked and acted just like us! or respected what before only attracted jokes

chunkychips · 24/04/2008 14:10

Sounds like he would go down well at something like a drama group. He seems to have the confidence to do his own thing and being slightly eccentric is a must (in the nicest way). He does sound lovely and will probably be v popular later on when people appreciate someone with a personality rather than someone who just wants to blend in with the crowd. I'm sure he'll come into his own. Doesn't help at the moment though.

Flowertop · 24/04/2008 14:39

MRS S I must say when I first read your post I nearly cried thinking about your poor son. As I have read the positive threads it just makes me feel how lucky you actually are. He to have such a great mum and you to have such an individual for a son. It is great to hear of positive outcomes from those who too felt they were 'geeky' at school and quite alone. I think you and he are going to be ok.
XX

Mrspanic · 24/04/2008 14:49

My ds2 is nearly 13 and sounded in many ways just like yours at 7/8/9. Once in a restaurant he asked the waitress whether the tuna was line caught, in a very grown up sort of tone. Aged 8. Hopeless at football (though a bit better now). loved and still loves art, music, puzzles, reading the newspaper...
...do you know what ? Girls adore him because he's "sensitive" and "different". And among the boys now, the tide has turned a bit and he's sort of seen as cool.

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