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Original poster

To think this is so frustrating????

43 replies

LD97 · 16/10/2024 13:31

So my partner has 2 children to a woman who at times can be very frustrating!!

Just let me know if we are being unreasonable??
So my partner works Monday to Friday so naturally sees his children on the weekend or school holidays! Even if we wanted them during the week she wouldn't allow it.
They are only allowed to stay one night on the weekend because his youngest will say she doesn't want to come yet when she's here is most of the time perfectly fine! And isn't that most children? I have a son also who cries for his dad when he's here but also cries for me when he's at his dad but he knows he has to spend time with both of us!

On the off chance we do get to have them all weekend they will have to be back at daft o'clock in the morning so his ex can see them before work even though she sees them all week??

Also we're planning a family holiday next year we have no dates yet so my partner messaged his ex just mentioning it and saying is there any dates she wouldn't like us book and she said that his youngest wouldn't come away with us for a week and she wouldn't cope.

Baring in mind she's just took them away for a week and I get his youngest is closer to her mum but as a dad he has rights too?? She also went mad once when they stayed over on a school night and were 10 minutes late to school because we live 30 minutes away saying they can't miss school it's really important and his oldest was distraught. Yet when we dropped her off was perfectly fine and smiling? And she's just took them on holiday during school time? Yet if we suggested that she would refuse.

Just at my wits end and need some advice. Would he need to take her to court for rights? Even when he's on their birth certificates?

OP posts:
WateryBottle · 16/10/2024 13:36

So my partner works Monday to Friday so naturally sees his children on the weekend or school holidays!

interesting comment. I also work Monday to Friday but am primary carer for the children. I also understand her being mad about being late to school however far away you live.

sorry if I missed it but how old is the youngest? I understand her saying she doesn’t want him going away for a week with his father given how little he sees him, but yes it would be a case of going to court if she won’t agree. Think very hard before doing that.

Original poster
LD97 · 16/10/2024 13:40

WateryBottle · 16/10/2024 13:36

So my partner works Monday to Friday so naturally sees his children on the weekend or school holidays!

interesting comment. I also work Monday to Friday but am primary carer for the children. I also understand her being mad about being late to school however far away you live.

sorry if I missed it but how old is the youngest? I understand her saying she doesn’t want him going away for a week with his father given how little he sees him, but yes it would be a case of going to court if she won’t agree. Think very hard before doing that.

Yeah I understand but even if we wanted them during the week we wouldn't be allowed anyway. He'd love to see them during the week.

And how little he sees them? He's not even allowed 2 nights a weekend from her choice. Not his.

And I agree with not being late but life happens. Hypocritical when she toon them on holiday during school time?

OP posts:
GrazingLamb · 16/10/2024 13:43

Has he gone to court to get contact sorted out?

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Original poster
LD97 · 16/10/2024 13:44

GrazingLamb · 16/10/2024 13:43

Has he gone to court to get contact sorted out?

No he wanted to in the past but during it all she refused to let him see the kids because of it so then he gave in.

OP posts:
Deliberationdivinationdesperation · 16/10/2024 13:45

Like the pp you also lost me at how because he works Monday to Friday he "naturally" sees them at weekends and school holidays. Of course their mum wants to see them at the weekend too otherwise she'd only get the grunt work throughout the week and none of the fun times at the weekend while he gets to just do the fun stuff

I think your partner needs to have a proper conversation with his ex about how the current set up isn't working, perhaps one week he can have them Friday and Saturday and the next week have them Saturday and Sunday or something like that so that they get equal weekend time with them, or do alternate weekends plus a couple of nights and school drop offs during the week

Original poster
LD97 · 16/10/2024 13:48

Deliberationdivinationdesperation · 16/10/2024 13:45

Like the pp you also lost me at how because he works Monday to Friday he "naturally" sees them at weekends and school holidays. Of course their mum wants to see them at the weekend too otherwise she'd only get the grunt work throughout the week and none of the fun times at the weekend while he gets to just do the fun stuff

I think your partner needs to have a proper conversation with his ex about how the current set up isn't working, perhaps one week he can have them Friday and Saturday and the next week have them Saturday and Sunday or something like that so that they get equal weekend time with them, or do alternate weekends plus a couple of nights and school drop offs during the week

Yeah I get how that sounded to be honest I work shifts and so does my ex so we get a mixture of week/weekend time. I meant naturally as in that's the only time he's allowed to see them. He's tried to talk to her she doesn't reason and won't let him see them during the week. I think it's unfair she's refusing him to take them on holiday too

OP posts:
Wellbeige · 16/10/2024 13:50

Any idea what the children want?

OriginalUsername2 · 16/10/2024 13:51

You’re a mum. Would you be entirely comfortable with your ex and a woman you don’t know taking your little boy away for a week?

Step back. Stop saying we. It’s between the parents.

Original poster
LD97 · 16/10/2024 13:51

Wellbeige · 16/10/2024 13:50

Any idea what the children want?

His oldest is happy to come his youngest will often cry and not want to come but then is really good when she's here and enjoys herself! I get the kids opinion matters and their feelings but as a dad who actually wants to see his children it's proving difficult

OP posts:
Sirzy · 16/10/2024 13:52

Mum deserves some weekend time too not just to be doing the daily grind. Maybe every other weekend would be better.

if the once you had them mid week you couldn’t get them to school on time then no wonder she isn’t keen on that one!

Original poster
LD97 · 16/10/2024 13:53

OriginalUsername2 · 16/10/2024 13:51

You’re a mum. Would you be entirely comfortable with your ex and a woman you don’t know taking your little boy away for a week?

Step back. Stop saying we. It’s between the parents.

Yeah I would because my ex has a partner who has been on holiday with my child thank you! Because we have a healthy co-parenting relationship. I know the children very well actually and have a good relationship with them!

OP posts:
Wellbeige · 16/10/2024 13:55

Yeah sorry I want being pissy but it’s so frustrating when the children’s needs aren’t being considered.

Im not a step parent but went through it when my children’s dad left.

he would dictate when he could see them according to what worked for him but it wasn’t really what the kids wanted (early starts/late drop offs or whatever)

we never went to court but it was frustrating having the non-resident parent have ‘their way’ when it was making the kids upset.

Original poster
LD97 · 16/10/2024 13:56

Sirzy · 16/10/2024 13:52

Mum deserves some weekend time too not just to be doing the daily grind. Maybe every other weekend would be better.

if the once you had them mid week you couldn’t get them to school on time then no wonder she isn’t keen on that one!

I get that 100% and I'm not saying she has no rights to spend weekends with them! I'm a mum myself who works long hours and sometimes I don't see my boy all weekend if I'm working. But as a dad he also has rights and yes I understand that.

OP posts:
Grepes · 16/10/2024 13:56

How old is the youngest child?

Why won’t he get a formal agreement? Wouldn’t you do anything you could to see your children more than one day a week?

Original poster
LD97 · 16/10/2024 13:58

Wellbeige · 16/10/2024 13:55

Yeah sorry I want being pissy but it’s so frustrating when the children’s needs aren’t being considered.

Im not a step parent but went through it when my children’s dad left.

he would dictate when he could see them according to what worked for him but it wasn’t really what the kids wanted (early starts/late drop offs or whatever)

we never went to court but it was frustrating having the non-resident parent have ‘their way’ when it was making the kids upset.

I know you wasn't don't worry! Yeah I understand she's young too and is probably experiencing some separation anxiety! He has said he doesn't want to force her and there was a weekend she didn't come and then she really wanted to come the weekend after. I think it's just difficult as it obviously upsets him as he does try to be reasonable but I feel like it's her way or the highway!

OP posts:
Original poster
LD97 · 16/10/2024 14:00

Grepes · 16/10/2024 13:56

How old is the youngest child?

Why won’t he get a formal agreement? Wouldn’t you do anything you could to see your children more than one day a week?

She is 4! He does want too but last time he put it all in place she refused to let him see his children which he couldn't cope with

OP posts:
InformerYaNoSayDaddyMeSnowMeIGoBlameALickyBoom · 16/10/2024 14:09

She's working and parenting, and he, naturally, can't see them through the week or get them to school on time once?

Sounds like she's doing the day to day grunt work of being a working parent and he wants the times where he has no real responsibility.

He also can't be arsed sorting proper contact out and is blaming her.

This is the exact script every one of these men pull.

PrincessPeache · 16/10/2024 14:13

He doesn’t have ‘rights’.

Tdcp · 16/10/2024 16:01

LD97 · 16/10/2024 14:00

She is 4! He does want too but last time he put it all in place she refused to let him see his children which he couldn't cope with

Show quote history

but she would have to let him see the kids if they had a court agreement..

sktny · 16/10/2024 16:04

My DSD is 8 and can't manage an entire week away from her mum yet. We started at 2 nights when she was 4yo, 3 nights at 5yo, 4 nights at 6yo etc.

You may feel that mum is making it worse for the youngest, she might be. But it doesn't stop the distress. My DSD was/is beholden to her mum's emotions and reactions to the schedule. My DP does work full time but they are 50/50 and have been since she was 4, once mum felt ready.

NerrSnerr · 16/10/2024 16:14

He needs to go to court.

He also needs to be reliable and get his kids to school on time if he has them in the week.

Changethenamey · 21/10/2024 14:28

I have 3 children and separated from their father earlier this year. We try to do EOW but honestly my oldest really struggles to stay there. Her dad would tell me she’s fine, and she is when she’s there but he doesn’t see the meltdowns, tears and anxiety when I’m trying to get her there!! He’s recently missed his contact weekend due to work commitments and DD’s response was ‘oh thank god I don’t have to go’. He’s a good enough dad, they have lots of fun there, she just hates being away from me and home. Believe me I’ve tried to support her and support the contact with her dad but it’s bloody difficult from a mums POV when your kids really, really don’t want to go. I know she would really struggle with a holiday for a week and there’s no way I’d make her, even if that made me look like the evil mother in anyone else’s eyes.

Sorry just being devils advocate for the mum here. It does sound like you might need a contact order in place because it sounds a bit messy. I’m not sure if I missed how long ago they separated if the youngest is only 4 and you’re living with him I assume she doesn’t really remember any different? I think out of all my kids the 5 yr old adjusted the quickest and is happy to jump between houses (appreciate all kids are different).

Moellen54 · 21/10/2024 14:33

Maybe he should ask the court for 50/50 if that would work for you. 1 day a weekend seems very little for him to maintain a relationshio with his children and thats contributing to the little one's reluctance to stay with you

Ellen1990 · 21/10/2024 14:43

PrincessPeache · 16/10/2024 14:13

He doesn’t have ‘rights’.

Yes he does have rights! And this coming from a woman who had the “dad” take her child and then make me go court to see her again! When I got her back I still allowed him to see her even when he weren’t bothering bcoz he was getting no money I tried to get him to see her…
this mother seems bitter that ex had moved on and using the children as a weapon

TinyFlamingo · 21/10/2024 14:43

Has your BF tried mediation because a mediator would support him, with her not stopping contact just because she wants to get him to back down.
If he really wanted more contact though, he should have mediated or gone court route, especially if she stopped contact court would have not been impressed. But this passive yo-yo I've seen a lot, and it's to get brownie points for "trying" not not actually wanting as no follow through. Might not be your situation. But 4 is old enough to do alternative weeks ematbthe very least and drop on time on a Monday morning.