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Original poster

Should I pay my ex petrol money so he sees the kids?

26 replies

Forfucksake84 · 15/10/2024 15:03

Hello, I have an ongoing dilemma in that my children's father is very inconsistent in his routine. He is meant to have them once a fortnight but he often cancels due to not having money for petrol. He lives 40 minutes away and I don't drive. He doesn't work due to depression and lives with his gf and their other child. His gf is very controlling and often won't let him have the money to come and collect the girls because she says they can't afford it. This drives me mad as I just want them to have a consistent routine and it also means that I often don't get a break and unable to make plans. I suppose my question is should I just give him the petrol money when he can't afford it (he won't pay it back) or would I be being too much of a pushover. I know I shouldn't have to, especially as he pays no maintenance...but I'm just fed up of not knowing where I stand.

OP posts:
TTPDTS · 15/10/2024 15:05

Honestly if you can afford it (and you know it's definitely going on petrol!) I'd try doing that once or twice and see what happens, from the sound of it I'd imagine other issues will crop up (and the petrol is just a smoke screen!).

Then if after an attempt or two it's not worked, you can rest easy knowing you did everything you could have.

Thewalrusandthecarpenter · 15/10/2024 16:39

I agree that if you can afford it then certainly try it for a few weeks. No, you shouldn't have to do this - but I speak as the mother of one daughter whose father has been utterly absent in all ways since she was five (she's nearly 27). I would have paid if it would have facilitated the relationship.

Original poster
Forfucksake84 · 15/10/2024 17:19

I can afford it, and I definitely have more money than him. But the fact that he pays zero money towards the girls and obviously doesn't prioritise saving money for petrol to come and see them makes me furious and really resentful. Do you think they're definitely better off having a consistent relationship with him despite the fact that he's so useless?

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MoneyAndPercentages · 15/10/2024 17:30

Explain he needs to budget for petrol, and if he can't do that you'll claim (the pitifully small, £7 a week if on UC?) via CMS from him, and then give it back so he can travel? 👀

The plus side of doing it this way is you have SOMETHING when he inevitably finds more excuses...

Singleandproud · 15/10/2024 17:37

No, spend it on a babysitter instead so you get a break.

The gf doesn't want them their, dad isn't prioritising them don't send them somewhere they'll be unwanted.

RandomMess · 15/10/2024 17:42

I would claim maintenance via CMS so he can have it back when he comes and visits.

RedHelenB · 15/10/2024 17:53

I'd try it and see if he does start seeing them more regularly. Does he show he loves them in other ways than money?

vodkaredbullgirl · 15/10/2024 17:55

RandomMess · 15/10/2024 17:42

I would claim maintenance via CMS so he can have it back when he comes and visits.

I agree.

OP go through CM.

Littleme2023 · 15/10/2024 18:00

If he wanted too he would 🤷🏻‍♀️

I would walk over hot coals for my children and I’m sure you would too.

Sounds like excuses to me and I would pass the message onto your children as in - “sorry daddy said he can’t come and see you today because he doesn’t have money for petrol”. Don’t make excuses and when they are old enough they will see the situation, sadly, for what it is.

Also put a claim in for csa - even if you do get the minimal amount.

SprigatitoYouAndIKnow · 15/10/2024 19:05

If you do, then get in the car with them, go to the nearest petrol station and pay for the petrol. Then you know he has plenty of petrol, so if he still doesn't show, he just can't be arsed. No "controlling girlfriend" can be used as an excuse to have spent it on other things. Sad it has come to this.

Tittibits · 15/10/2024 19:09

Singleandproud · 15/10/2024 17:37

No, spend it on a babysitter instead so you get a break.

The gf doesn't want them their, dad isn't prioritising them don't send them somewhere they'll be unwanted.

Edited

Absolutely agree.why send them where they might be made to feel unloved and uncomfortable?

Katkins17 · 15/10/2024 19:15

Is it your ex. That told you that his partner won't give him the money ???
Is this the absolute truth???

Please don't think I'm doubting you, but having been in a similar position, my ex. Used to tell me things like this when there was something better he wanted to do and didn't have the balls to tell me the truth.

I'm afraid, as much as I wanted my boys to have a relationship with their Dad, I tried to teach them personal responsibility all the time.

If your ex. Can't prioritise his children, that's his problem not yours.

I sound harsh I know... but having been through it and out the other side with several emotional scars ... I'm very cynical!!!!

Pyroleus · 15/10/2024 19:17

He lives 40 miles away - when you split up was it you or him who left the area you lived in together?

If it was you, you should be the one who does the travelling, by public transport if you don't drive. If he's offering to do the driving that's kind of him but I would think it only seems fair you pay the petrol.

If it was him who moved away, then the travelling and cost is all his. If you want to help him that would be very kind of you. If the petrol turns out to be the only obstacle and he's otherwise consistent, great. But I'd be wary of enabling a relationship if he's just looking for excuses to get out of it. He won't be a worthwhile figure in DC's lives if that's the case.

BeeCucumber · 15/10/2024 19:21

If you gave him the petrol money, what is stopping the GF from taking it?

Stressfordays · 15/10/2024 19:22

Sod that, he sounds absolutely pathetic. Claim CSA and use it to pay for a babysitter instead.

Arthurnewyorkcity · 15/10/2024 19:29

I know of a woman who's very similar to your exes partner but there's always some reason they can't have his kids. It's wrong and I agree money and petrol is smoke screen. So I would offer to drop or fuel just to see the excuse. Maybe he needs to realise that his partner is just making excuses and getting in the way of his relationship (although I appreciate any decent parent would move heaven and earth to see their kids).
I think ultimately do your kids want to see him. If so, I'd try for their benefit

Original poster
Forfucksake84 · 15/10/2024 20:11

Yes he's absolutely pathetic and I can't believe I was ever with him. No it was him who moved away because that was the only area he could find a flat to rent with his terrible references. He is kind to the girls when he sees them/ tells them he loves them etc. But I agree, he obviously doesn't love them enough or this wouldn't even be a question. He seems to have no pride or shame in asking me for money whatsoever. It really baffles me tbh that anyone can behave in such a way. He is unbelievably self pitying and nothing is ever his fault

OP posts:
TomatoSandwiches · 15/10/2024 20:16

If you facilitate this at your expense and effort the girls will think this is the acceptable way to be treated by men in the future.
I say go for @Singleandprouds suggestion tbh and claim CM through the relevant authority.

Pyroleus · 15/10/2024 20:40

In light of your update re him being the one who moved away, it really isn't your responsibility to pay him to see his own children. If he was working full time, being very responsible with money, and still hard up, yet desperately to see them, then I might in your shoes ask him to commit to a schedule and pay his petrol only if he keeps to it. But if he is spending on non-essentials I definitely would not; he's choosing luxuries over his own children and they probably are better off without him. Ditto if it's just an excuse.

Womblewife · 15/10/2024 20:42

Singleandproud · 15/10/2024 17:37

No, spend it on a babysitter instead so you get a break.

The gf doesn't want them their, dad isn't prioritising them don't send them somewhere they'll be unwanted.

Edited

This. Don’t start feeding into this for your own sake. Otherwise it’ll be “I can’t afford to feed the kids when they are here” and “ I can’t afford electricity when the kids are here” it’s gonna spiral quick if you start doing this .

Grabyourpassportandmyhand · 15/10/2024 20:44

Tittibits · 15/10/2024 19:09

Absolutely agree.why send them where they might be made to feel unloved and uncomfortable?

Show quote history

This.

Nastyaa · 15/10/2024 20:55

If he can't afford petrol how can he afford to have the children for the weekend?

If my ex partner couldn't pick DD up then he didn't see her, simple. it's not your responsibility to facilitate the relationship. If he wanted to see his children he would make it happen. There is public transport. Sounds like his new girlfriend doesn't want them there anyway so why force it?

Unless you 'really need the break so you can make plans' poor girls.

Original poster
Forfucksake84 · 16/10/2024 09:23

Could someone tell me how much petrol it would cost him to travel 22.4 miles. Obviously it's 4 journeys...here and back and then the same on the way home. He says £20 but I don't know what to believe with him. He has a Citroën c4 for reference

OP posts:
RandomMess · 16/10/2024 09:26

HMRC allow 30p per mile plus tax to be claimed which is for fuel plus wear & tear.

Just fuel is a lot less.

RandomMess · 16/10/2024 09:28

He can just come up and visit the DC - take them out?

If they aren't wanted by his partner perhaps this is better and only £10 Wink

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