Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Parenting

For free parenting resources please check out the Early Years Alliance's Family Corner.

Original poster

I dont like certain things about co parenting

43 replies

Bubble4922 · 11/10/2024 20:40

Hi, long story short I'm 30
Ex partner is 30
We have a 9 month old baby girl together

Baby lives with me in our own home where she has her own bedroom

Ex partner lives at home with his mother and siblings (sleeps on her sofa)

Ex keeps saying he wants over nights with the baby.. when he doesn't even have a room of his own, never mind a cot for the baby to sleep in. His answer is "she can sleep in the carry cot part of her pram". This might of worked when she was 1 month old, not 9 months old, she's way to big.

He also let's his nieces and nephews around the baby which obviously is not a problem it's their cousin. But they are abit older than our daughter and a few times he has told me they make her cry as they are so loud and bombard her. She lives a quiet peaceful life with me in our home, I just feel so sorry for her when she goes over there as its loud and chaotic.

Sometimes when he has her he messages me and tells me "she might be home abit later tonight as so-and-so wanted to come and visit her" when her agreed time to be home os 8.30pm. There has been times she's been brought home at 9.30-10pm

I dont know if I'm being hard work or if I have a point. What do u guys think, am I dramatic. I guess when he has her in his care its nothing to do with me what goes on (within reason) but I can't help but worry about her at times

OP posts:
PolaroidPrincess · 12/10/2024 08:48

If he wants overnights I think it's time that he applies through the Court and gets a formal Child Arrangements Order.

Generally if you are BFing the Court doesn't usually allow overnights until 18 months. I'm not sure what the usual age is if you are FFing though.

TomatoSandwiches · 12/10/2024 08:54

He has nowhere safe for her to sleep so I have no idea why he's asking, he needs to sort out his own living accommodation first.

Original poster
Bubble4922 · 12/10/2024 09:49

This is exactly what I think. I have no problem him having her after work for his few hours with her. Or a few hours on a weekend. But he doesn't have a safe space for her to actually sleep, and thus conversation keeps coming up, he seems to not even be understand my point

Sometimes I think its not even the fact he wants his daughter over night, but more the fact he wants to prove a point to me as in "haha I told you I'd have her over night"

But that might just be me over thinking

OP posts:

Interested in this thread?

Then you might like threads about these subjects:

6-9 months old 9-12 months old Babies & sleep Children's sleep
Stormyweatheroutthere · 12/10/2024 09:56

Who has the carrycot? Suggest he buys a travel cot and you can start the sleepovers.. Will he really want her?

Original poster
Bubble4922 · 12/10/2024 09:58

I've suggested a long time ago that he buys a cot if he wants over nights, and still not cot has been bought

OP posts:
PolaroidPrincess · 12/10/2024 09:58

He sounds immature at best. Is there a reason he's living on a sofa at his DMs? Is he looking for his own place?

If he's working is he paying CMS?

I'd want the arrangements through the Court so that you know when he's having DD and can start looking for work or beginning to study.

Original poster
Bubble4922 · 12/10/2024 10:08

PolaroidPrincess · 12/10/2024 09:58

He sounds immature at best. Is there a reason he's living on a sofa at his DMs? Is he looking for his own place?

If he's working is he paying CMS?

I'd want the arrangements through the Court so that you know when he's having DD and can start looking for work or beginning to study.

I don't think he's even looking for his own place

He gives CM when he's working (he's always in and out of jobs)

He's currently unemployed and has been for the past 4 weeks so I haven't had a penny off him. (Is looking for work tho)

This means no money off him but I also have to provide nappys, wipes, formula, jars/pouches of food on his days he has her

OP posts:
Azandme · 12/10/2024 10:09

Him not having somewhere for her to sleep is an issue that needs sorting for overnights.

The rest, you're being dramatic.

This is frankly ridiculous: "I just feel so sorry for her when she goes over there as its loud and chaotic."

You feel "so sorry" for your baby being in what sounds like a home with normal children, being children? It'll do your dd good to be around other children. Socialising is vital for development - there's no such thing as a "quiet peaceful" playgroup, nursery, or school.

PolaroidPrincess · 12/10/2024 10:11

This means no money off him but I also have to provide nappys, wipes, formula, jars/pouches of food on his days he has her

Fuck that. Tell him to apply for a Child Arrangements Order. If he's currently unemployed he can apply for help with the Court Fee.

Keep all evidence you have of him not being able to supply food and milk and a place to sleep.

SprigatitoYouAndIKnow · 12/10/2024 10:13

No, you don't need to provide anything when he has her. The bare minimum for anyone to be able to look after a child is to keep them fed and dry. If he cannot meet the most basic of needs he needs to sort that out before looking after her.

The hustle and bustle you will just have to get on board with. Plenty of people grow up in larger households, it doesn't make calm better.

pinkroses79 · 12/10/2024 10:16

I would not allow her to stay overnight. It doesn't sound as though there is a quiet and relaxing space for her to sleep. Also, I wouldn't have allowed it anyway as I was breastfeeding, but at that age I think consistency is better. If he wants her to meet people he should get them to come earlier in the day, not make her stay up late because of it. A noisy atmosphere during the day isn't a problem, it's good for them to get used to people.

PolaroidPrincess · 12/10/2024 10:21

I agree that a noisy atmosphere in the day is good but she needs a room to sleep in away from everyone at night. If she's sleeping in the lounge is she expected to stay awake until everyone in the house has gone to bed?

Of your exP wants contact he needs to be providing a safe place for her to sleep, nappies, milk and food.

Danikm151 · 12/10/2024 10:27

He can get a travel cot for around £20!
a carry cot is not a safe sleep place for overnight.

Original poster
Bubble4922 · 12/10/2024 10:30

PolaroidPrincess · 12/10/2024 10:21

I agree that a noisy atmosphere in the day is good but she needs a room to sleep in away from everyone at night. If she's sleeping in the lounge is she expected to stay awake until everyone in the house has gone to bed?

Of your exP wants contact he needs to be providing a safe place for her to sleep, nappies, milk and food.

she would be expected to sleep threw this, or stay up until its gone quieter and everyone has gone to bed.. I personally think its ridiculous

When she's with me she has a night time routine, bathtime, bottle, lullaby music in a quiet room, and it works amazing for her

That's why I can't begin to imagine "bed times" at his place, they will be completely different to when she's home with me

OP posts:
CameronStrike · 12/10/2024 10:34

PolaroidPrincess · 12/10/2024 08:48

If he wants overnights I think it's time that he applies through the Court and gets a formal Child Arrangements Order.

Generally if you are BFing the Court doesn't usually allow overnights until 18 months. I'm not sure what the usual age is if you are FFing though.

People give this as advice very glibly but the family courts are really trying to move away from contact disputes that can be mediated by common sense. Why should he use court time to make an arrangement that he can make with a bit of willing and common sense from both parties? Nothing OP said suggests he poses a risk to her. If he buys a travel cot then why shouldn't he have overnights at some point?

Original poster
Bubble4922 · 12/10/2024 10:44

CameronStrike · 12/10/2024 10:34

People give this as advice very glibly but the family courts are really trying to move away from contact disputes that can be mediated by common sense. Why should he use court time to make an arrangement that he can make with a bit of willing and common sense from both parties? Nothing OP said suggests he poses a risk to her. If he buys a travel cot then why shouldn't he have overnights at some point?

Show quote history

I agree he should be allowed over nights with his daughter but still no effort to buy a cot has been made

Plus am I still ment to be providing nappys wipes milk etc for these overnights that he wants

OP posts:
Gcsunnyside23 · 12/10/2024 10:48

Tell him to get a grip, of course your baby can't have sleep overs if she's sleeping in the lounge. So she will be up late until everyone goes to bed and then up early when everyone up again? I wouldn't worry as he can't push it, if he does point out he's not even providing food milk or nappies for her. tell him to get his own place and then you can talk about it.

SuperGreens · 12/10/2024 11:05

Sounds like she's a toy he wheels out for him & his family to play with. One he doesn't even pay for. Utter loser, I'd be putting as many obstacles in his way as possible.

Original poster
Bubble4922 · 12/10/2024 11:55

SuperGreens · 12/10/2024 11:05

Sounds like she's a toy he wheels out for him & his family to play with. One he doesn't even pay for. Utter loser, I'd be putting as many obstacles in his way as possible.

Could u give an example of what u mean by obstacles in his way

Do u mean for instance "she's busy on this day so you won't be able to see her" kind of thing

OP posts:
Stormyweatheroutthere · 12/10/2024 12:00

Surely you hand over your dd and he provides whatever she needs in his time? It's what a judge would expect to be happening.. Next visit omit nappies /wipes.. Text him when he is home to say he needs to get some. Repeat every time. He isn't being a df... You are enabling him to be a prize fickwit by supplying everything..

Original poster
Bubble4922 · 12/10/2024 12:09

Stormyweatheroutthere · 12/10/2024 12:00

Surely you hand over your dd and he provides whatever she needs in his time? It's what a judge would expect to be happening.. Next visit omit nappies /wipes.. Text him when he is home to say he needs to get some. Repeat every time. He isn't being a df... You are enabling him to be a prize fickwit by supplying everything..

I think because I've done it for so long it would feel weird randomly putting a stop to it now today

OP posts:
Jessie1259 · 12/10/2024 12:13

God OP how did this loser convince you to have a baby with him? Of course he doesn't have her over night until he has a cot and can provide the essentials. You are not being unreasonable at all.

mitogoshigg · 12/10/2024 12:19

He needs a room she can share with him and a travel cost to sleep in as a bare minimum. Doesn't matter if that room is in his mums house or elsewhere but the living room is not sufficient unless it can be shut off as a bedroom (eg houses with two living rooms)

Chickadoo · 12/10/2024 12:34

Azandme · 12/10/2024 10:09

Him not having somewhere for her to sleep is an issue that needs sorting for overnights.

The rest, you're being dramatic.

This is frankly ridiculous: "I just feel so sorry for her when she goes over there as its loud and chaotic."

You feel "so sorry" for your baby being in what sounds like a home with normal children, being children? It'll do your dd good to be around other children. Socialising is vital for development - there's no such thing as a "quiet peaceful" playgroup, nursery, or school.

I don't agree with this, and I don't think OP is being dramatic. I'd feel exactly the same if my son went over to a place that was out of his usual comfort zone. Especially if the babies primary caregiver is not there, that could be quite overwhelming for a baby so young.

I understand that it is good to socialise, but older children can be feral - and do not make a point of watching where the baby is, in case they bash into them.

Studies have shown that babies before the age of 2 have no need for nurseries - in terms of development and socialisation. In fact, the chaos can cause anxiety and stress.

Chickadoo · 12/10/2024 12:38

SuperGreens · 12/10/2024 11:05

Sounds like she's a toy he wheels out for him & his family to play with. One he doesn't even pay for. Utter loser, I'd be putting as many obstacles in his way as possible.

Agreed.

Father's tend to like to show off about babies, pretend to have a relationship with them to their family and friends, but have no intention of putting any work in or paying for them.