I dont like certain things about co parenting

[Bubble4922]

Hi, long story short I'm 30
Ex partner is 30
We have a 9 month old baby girl together

Baby lives with me in our own home where she has her own bedroom

Ex partner lives at home with his mother and siblings (sleeps on her sofa)

Ex keeps saying he wants over nights with the baby.. when he doesn't even have a room of his own, never mind a cot for the baby to sleep in. His answer is "she can sleep in the carry cot part of her pram". This might of worked when she was 1 month old, not 9 months old, she's way to big.

He also let's his nieces and nephews around the baby which obviously is not a problem it's their cousin. But they are abit older than our daughter and a few times he has told me they make her cry as they are so loud and bombard her. She lives a quiet peaceful life with me in our home, I just feel so sorry for her when she goes over there as its loud and chaotic.

Sometimes when he has her he messages me and tells me "she might be home abit later tonight as so-and-so wanted to come and visit her" when her agreed time to be home os 8.30pm. There has been times she's been brought home at 9.30-10pm

I dont know if I'm being hard work or if I have a point. What do u guys think, am I dramatic. I guess when he has her in his care its nothing to do with me what goes on (within reason) but I can't help but worry about her at times

Thankyou!!

My point exactly, when she's with me which is 80-90% of the time its a very calm atmosphere. Plus a nice calm bedtime routine

The nieces and nephews are between the ages of 4-10. They constantly try to touch her and if they are not bothering her they are running around screaming and shouting, jumping off of sofas on to the floor, it's crazy. It does make me nervous I just pray to god she isn't left around it on her own

I just wish ex partner would get his own home.

And for people saying babys should get used to being around other kids and noise.. then why are all baby/sensory classes very calming and actually nice and enjoyable to go to. I don't think I've ever attended a baby class that was chaotic

Ok so stop providing nappies and wipes and tell him he can have overnights when he buys a cot
why make this such a palaver?

You are very right, and I am the absolute same with my son, we have a lovely calming routine - and I would be very nervous to send him to a house with children of that age. Especially if they are just allowed to run riot!

All you are doing is putting your babies needs first, and you absolutely should know what is happening when your partner has her. His job is to reassure you that he has everything in place to take care of her in a way that you think is best. Considering you have your baby 90% of the time, your opinion is the only opinion! Even if he paid, again, your opinion is the only one that matters. Don't let anyone ever tell you what you should or shouldn't be doing with your own child!

This is just wrong, sorry. She has 2 parents and OP chose to have a baby with this specific man, she can't write him and his views out of the baby's life.

Just tell him he can have his daughter overnight when she has somewhere appropriate to sleep and when he can actually provide for her basic needs, ie clothes, food and nappies. The end

Just don't facilitate him, no more supplies, no helping with travel, no clothes other than what she's wearing. Full CMS claim, ask him to pay for things too in writing. Keep a detailed diary of any concerns/neglect - dates times witnesses etc In case it does end up in court. Make no effort with him. You can't block his contact but you don't have to facilitate it. If he doesn't step up and it starts to look more neglectful, speak to a lawyer.

My best mate continued to be controlled by her ex via The Bag. The Bag of stuff the dc needed and she provided.. Digs and rants via voice mails if things were missing /wrong in his eyes. Abusive calls if she wasn't home when he wanted The Bag. He would collect their stuff before his days to collect the dc from school... We had once gone to a big shopping centre with my newborn dc. Just got the pram up and him in it. God rang her and she was a jibbering mess she had to get home to hand over The Bag.. Hell's bells it was ridiculous... Leave him to it op or you wil be sending stuff (and ime not getting it back) her whole childhood..

That's terrible!

Yeah I've had the nasty messages about things missing from "the bag". He should have spare everything at his home

Suggest he provides for his dc then there is no risk of The Bag being deficient. Rinse and repeat.

Give him a months notice,

From X date I will no longer be providing any supplies of any kind except medication DD needs on her visitation times with you.
This means you will need to have your own supply of at a minimum:

Nappies ( in the right size )
Wet wipes
Nappy cream
Formula and bottles
Spare clothes and vests
Food/snacks.

People give this as advice very glibly but the family courts are really trying to move away from contact disputes that can be mediated by common sense.

The advice wasn't given glibly. The exP doesn't have an income or even a bedroom and he's 30. He seems unwilling to engage in rational discussion and the OP has said they he seems to be demanding overnight stays in some sort of point scoring exercise.

How do you use common sense to resolve the issue when one of the parties appears to lack any?

It's really simple. OP womans up and stops providing all the things the baby needs. And she says no to overnights until he has a safe and secure place for her to sleep and an appropriate bed. Why would this need a court to adjudicate on? Even if he argues with her about it and tries to hassle her into agreeing she just says no. Still no need for a court for goodness sake. The family courts are failing for many reasons but excessive use of court time for needless contact disputes is one of them. It costs the taxpayer a huge amount for a case to go to court. Why are we advocating for this where there are no safeguarding issues?

Well I do agree that the OP needs to say no, state clearly why and then just ignore any further responses. At the moment can't he just keep the baby and not give it back? If she doesn't have a Court Order, nobody will get involved to bring her LO back.

This. As a grown man, if he can't manage to feed her, cloth her, provide nappies or somewhere suitable for her to sleep, then he is not a functioning responsible parent, and cannot be trusted.

Let him take you to court. Express your concerns that he has nowhere for her to sleep and can't even provide nappies.

The court will set basic requirements that he has to meet.

Dear ex

On the matter of overnights, I will not be agreeing to this until x has a cot in a quiet room to sleep in, it is unexceptable to expect her to stay over when you are expecting her to sleep in a noisy room or stay up late until everyone else is in bed. She is a baby and requires a suitable bedtime. When you can provide this environment we will discuss a suitable arrangement. I also will no longer be allowing later drop offs and require you to bring her home at X time to facility bedtime, bringing a 9mth home at 9 at night is not acceptable.

Going forward I will no longer be supplying nappies, food or clothing for her time with you. As her parent you need to be supplying everything she needs during her time with you.

I'm sure you understand we need to work together for our daughters best interested.
Bubble4922

You are being precious over the cousins though, and I feel like your trying to get people to say she shouldn't see her dad at all. It won't be long until she is also running around, jumping off the sofa with them.

Babies don't need any of that "socialising". It's infants and children you're talking about. Babies get all the stimulation they need just out and about with mum/parent.

Yes, and that's exactly the type of scenario that would need court intervention. But going to court just to make contact arrangements is not at all appropriate or necessary. The whole reason that mediation was put in place as a compulsory first step was to lead people away from the idea that daddy court needs to make our parenting decisions for us. People need to grow up and negotiate.

She's 9 months old. She absolutely needs socialising.