Did you immediately love your 2nd baby just as much as your 1st?

[Wholeboxoftissues]

I'm having my second baby in a couple of weeks. DD is 5 and her wellbeing is still my absolute number one top priority in life and I love her most. I do feel love towards the baby and I talk to him and I'm excited about him but he still feels a bit theoretical, and when I've had complications with the pregnancy my first thought has always been "everything is fine as long as DD is okay". I imagine this is quite normal during pregnancy but does it change immediately after the second baby is born and you meet them? I imagine eventually I'll love both my children equally but I just can't imagine loving him straight away the same amount as I love my daughter who has been my everything for the last 5 years. How long did it take for you?

I felt exactly the same. When my 2nd baby was born I felt the exact same amount of love for both of them. I think I loved them both even more. I just couldn't imagine it before she was born.

I struggled with similar when pregnant, I was quite anxious about not wanting to 'share' the love I felt for DD but honestly, it really does just grow.

As soon as DD2 was born I had this overwhelming feeling of love and protection towards her. It will come.

More actually, in the 'immediate' sense. Took me a while to love DS. It was an unexpected pregnancy and really wasn't ready. I felt like I was just going through the motions for the first 6 months. But when DD arrived I had all this experience of how amazing it was going to be watching her grow and getting to know her. Love was instant. Thanks to DS laying the foundations!

Now they're 5 and 3 and I say I love them equally, but differently. They're chalk and cheese, real individuals so it makes sense that the way I love them reflects that. Definitely equal, but otherwise uncomparable!

I think I bonded with my youngest faster than I did with my oldest because I was in a better place emotionally. With my first I was completely overwhelmed and had no idea what I was doing. With my second I was much more relaxed and confident and I enjoyed those first few days a lot more. However I loved them both the same instantly.

In my experience, yes, as soon as the new baby is born you love them exactly the same amount. The love doesn't get shared out, it doubles.

It was a very emotional time for me though. I felt guilty that my eldest wasn't my only child anymore and he had to share my attention. And I felt guilty that my youngest didn't get my undivided attention as a newborn (not helped by postpartum hormones!).

Those feelings passes quickly though! Now my favourite thing in the world is watching my two children laugh together.

Congratulations and good luck

I was focused on the existing child during pregnancy with second, as I knew I was about to completely upend her life. I think I was feeling a bit guilty.
After baby 2 arrived there was definitely a 3 - 6m period of "adjustment" ie absolute carnage where I felt out of control and like perhaps I'd made a mistake. Bonding with no.2 did take longer for me as I was worried about what I'd done to no.1. Of course a sibling is a gift but I can't imagine it feels like that to a 3 year old...
We found our groove of course, and now couldn't imagine the family without no.2...
But yes, the absolute adoration took a little longer as I wasn't as focused.

During first pregnancy you don’t have other children so you focus on the incoming arrival. After that I found that I definitely focused all my efforts on my existing children. Once they are born then the rush of love and urge to protect was there.

I personally haven’t ever regretted having them but I had two under two at once stage and it was chaos. They are lucky they are cute 😊

Exactly this.

I loved DS2 when he was born but it took me a year or so to feel like I loved him as much as DS1, who I'd had six years to get to know and bond with. I knew it would come though.

I have 5 kids and yes i love them all equally, but my oldest is 14 and youngest is 9months so the love is different, obviously im not sat giving kisses/cuddles/tickles to my 14yo on a regular basis because she would just think ew mum get of me (although i suspect my 9 month old thinks that too sometimes haha) it’s difficult to explain 🤔 i love my 14 yo the same as i love my 9 month old but its not a awww your so cute i love you sooo much love if that makes sense lol xx

Love doesn't divide, it multiplies.

Yes I actually did, I bonded with my 2nd DD instantly which I didn't with my 1st because I was drugged up

I didn’t bond with my first two for years - was too crippingly exhausted and depressed and run off my feet. I bonded with my 3 rd pretty quickly.

I had an entirely different experience. I was so worried about not loving my second. But in reality it was actually my first I struggled with after the baby was born. I loved the baby, but struggled with my relationship with the older one.

My love for my 3yo DD and my love for 6 week old DS are different - I know my DD in a way that I can’t possibly know DS yet. It takes time to grow a relationship.

It’s helpful to read some of the more ambivalent responses on here - especially the complicated emotions towards older child in terms of guilt, sadness, missing them, but also finding them difficult. Someone described it to me as a conflict between love for PFB and protectiveness for new baby, and that helps me when thinking about it.

More, initially, because DD wasn't planned I was ill all the way through, emergency CS and cot nurses in a nursery for 48 hours,then they brought her in, she could have been anybodies,so it took a while. 3 and 4, instantly and love them all the same.

I did not but I also didn't fall immediately in love with my first baby so I felt relaxed about it knowing it would come in time. And it did! The feelings you have for them are different, especially at first when the love you have for the older one feels like it's based in who they are, whereas for the baby it is more protective/almost duty like, but even if you don't feel it immediately, it will come.

(And if you really struggle, reach out for help)

I'd say I loved him as much but I didn't get the euphoria I felt after dd was born. (I did have pethidine with dd that may have contributed to the happy feelings

I think you will. I had twins first so different feeling but I immediately loved them both the exact same. Then when I was pregnant with my son, I loved him obviously. but my twins still encompassed everything as they were so young and I just loved them so much. Never really thought about it but I suppose I never thought I'd love anyone more than them. But when my son was born, that all changed.

I didn't love one of my DC properly for about 6 weeks. I mean, I felt protective of them and thought they were the most beautiful baby to ever be born but I did not love them. I started to love them when we were watching an episode of Misfits and they fell asleep on my chest and I thought "I wish I could stay like this forever."

10 years later and we are so close and they are so, so loved. One of my favourite people to spend time with and so easy fo be around. It will be ok. ❤️

This is happening to me now, but I'm thinking it's just because DC1 is going through a very tough threenager phase, plus I'm not in the best state mental health wise at the moment.

I think I loved second faster actually, because I was much more relaxed and confident with the actual physical requirements of parenting so wasn't worrying about every little decision. Plus my second breastfed like a dream from the first moment whereas eldest was a traumatic journey of triple feeding then pumping, so emotionally I was happy quicker. I also think because I knew the neverending crying would actually end, I didn't feel as despondent during the hard times.

It was harder later on at times when baby was crying just to be held but toddler really needed me for some specific upset, or baby was hungry but toddler being dramatic over nothing. I found myself feeling annoyed towards one or the other irrationally for not understanding the other needed me more at that particular moment. But it didn't make me love either any less. Hopefully as yours is older that kind of thing might not be so tricky.

I felt the same as you. Then he was born, and my heart doubled in size.

Yes. They looked very different when they were born but the happiness, relief, wonderment and overwhelming love and protectiveness was the same.

Yes absolutely! I felt the same as you but wow, it's incredible how your love doubles. Similar to others, I bonded quicker with my second as the shock to the system isn't as much and tbh, my birth was more positive which helped.

I did have a hell of a lot of guilt over how much my eldest struggled with the attention split, he's older though. Thankfully this has eased now and although he could do with some more one on one time, it's getting easier and back to normal for him