Can’t stop losing temper with my triplets

[Tripletmam]

Hi everyone, I am a single mum of triplets (identical girls and a boy) who are almost 6 years old. I’ve been a single parent to them pretty much from the beginning. I work full time and have some family support with childcare whilst I’m at work (school pick up’s etc)

When I first had them I knew I had some hard years ahead but I really thought by this point once we had got passed the toddler and preschool years it would get a bit easier but I still find them such hard work and am losing my temper with them almost every morning getting them ready for school and every evening at bedtime. No matter how hard I try I always end up shouting at them and getting cross and sometimes I can say really childish and mean things to them.

My one daughter in particular drives me up the wall and can be really unpleasant and mean to her siblings, she’s like a teenager already with her attitude and strops and winds me up so much I end up getting into battles with her and calling her ‘spoilt’ and ‘horrible’ aswell as screaming and shouting. I’m ashamed to say there are a few occasions where I have also smacked.

I am not an angry or aggressive person in any other part of my life nor have been in the past but the rage and frustration that I feel so often when I am with them makes me really question myself and who I am as a person. I really am ashamed and know they deserve better than this. I worry all the time that I’m damaging their self worth and self esteem and tell myself every night I must stay calm and not be like this anymore but another day comes and the exact same thing happens

Sometimes I really think they would be better off without me and I am just causing them damage and they will grow up to hate me and only remember the horrible me. I never thought this would be the mum I would become and I’m so sad for them that this is the mother they have.

OP, I could have written this myself a few years ago. I cannot imagine what it's like having triplets. I have twins and when I look back on some of those earlier years, same age as yours, I was very similar. I always considered myself calm and quiet in every other aspect of my life, but found myself shouting and basically not recognising who I was. Please don't put yourself down, you are working full time and a single mum, so this must be a lot of pressure on you. I had to take really small steps to undo the miserable negativity I felt I was pushing into mine at times. It didn't help that every moment felt like a deadline. Whether it was getting ready for school, work or the bedtime I had set for them. There was a point where I had to learn to 'pick my battles' - in the sense I had to stop, go to another room and just calm down for a while alone. I don't have much advice tbh (sorry) except things have calmed down now they're 10. I would say when you're feeling anger and aggression towards them, it's really important to remember they're just kids, they're growing and they don't know how to control their feelings. Also their behaviours can be as a result of your anger. Do you get to spend any quality time with them? Evenings or weekends where you can do fun things together or is it always a battle?

Hi @Tripletmam i also feel like I could have written your post but am a lone mum of twins. It's hard work doing everything yourself with no support and no downtime. I think this is the main cause of the anger, because you don't have time for yourself and every second of your time is dictated to you it's very hard to have limitless patience when you are under massive pressure all the time. I also have the guilt for being short tempered and shouting and think I need to do better. I'm sorry I don't have the answers but just wanted you to know you aren't alone in the way you feel xx

You're on your own working full time raising triplets.

I mean, just read that sentence and stop and ponder that.

The expectations on mums now are so abnormal in relation to how we have evolved, I'm surprised people survive some situations.

You know you're struggling and overwhelmed and you want to change it. You're doing great to have got through this far.

You absolutely need more than anything some sort of a break or help or anything to just give you any opportunity to reset now and again. I don't know how you can do that. Could you afford to pay a trusted friend or a relative for hosting the kids at sleepovers now and again? I'd absolutely invest in something like this. You're only losing it because it's relentless with no break. If you get to refresh etc then you wouldn't be losing it.

Good God! I'm amazed you are not in an asylum with all that to contend with!! You are doing great, just doing what you are doing.

No real advice, other than to echo what others have said re getting more help, however that comes. After school clubs / holiday clubs / family / support group. Some gyms have clubs where you can leave children and go to a class, I believe. Not sure on the age limit though.

I'm sure your children will grow up to be adults, who are proud and thankful that they have a mum who obviously cares so much for them, and works so hard for them. Maybe one day you'll have a few of your ideal "mum" days, with grandchildren instead x

You have an incredible workload. Could you get some help at bedtime? Maybe a teenager who wants to work with children later.

Can you identify trigger points - for example if they won't brush their teeth, can you brush them straight after eating and reward in some way by extra tv, or putting pocket money into a jar. Try and think about why your daughter gets to you, and whether it is worth the battle.

You sound like super mum to me.

Honestly you're just doing well getting out the door

Working full time with triplets!!

God I struggle with one !

Try to have an air tight routine. So up early everything ready night before. Make life as easy as you can. Have set meal times bedtimes etc so it's easy to follow.

For you try (if you get any spare time on an evening) meditating. Developing an awareness of your feelings, and learning to sit with your thoughts and feelings helps you to be less reactive.

Learn some grounding techniques for when you are struggling. One that works for me is talking in a silly voice, it's hard to stay made when you have a squeaky high pitch voice.

Try to make things a positive, first one to get their coat and shoes on nicely gets X. Lots of reward/praise. Teach them to be proud of each other's achievements. But also encourage them to try.

I'd stick to one discipline and use it sparingly (aim for distraction/reward where possible ) but for aggression or rudeness I would have a consequence. Something that hits home so for example loss of screen time for 15 minutes. But give them opportunities to earn it back if possible. Don't make punishment so large it's not worth making the effort to behave. Keep it small with the option to add to it or to gain back.

Thank you all so much for your responses, this is my first post on here and it was sort of out of desperation to hear I’m not alone with this and I guess in hope of some empathy but I was fully expecting some harsh judgement too. So to get such kind and helpful messages means a lot to me, thank you. Some really good advice too and I will do my best to implement it ❤️

@fallenbranches @WildTwins thanks for your words of solidarity and understanding. I find having multiples so hard and find it hard not to compare myself as a mother to my friends with singletons even though I know they would probably be the same if they were in my shoes. It can feel like a really lonely place and like no one else understands. So thanks for your kind words xx

@Tripletmam its incredibly hard. Every morning I get up and think today will be better then within 5 minutes it's total chaos! Being outnumbered is hard! It is very lonely, I feel like whenever we go anywhere and the boys play up I think I bet everyone is watching to see how I deal with it. My rational brain tells me that's probably not true but when you only have one pair of hands and both of them are either running off in different directions or throwing themselves on the floor screaming it's hard to stay rational. My twins have definitely been the biggest challenge of my life and I can only manage working part time around nursery so for you having 3 the same age and working full time it's no surprise you feel so stressed. You are a warrior! I hope things get easier for you ♥️

OP you sound like you are doing great.

I lose my temper with my 6yo often and he is not a triplet (I also have a 4yo who is a very easy child). I think 6 is hard (maybe all ages are hard?!) as they’re getting more independence and free will but are still immature emotionally. Mine knows exactly how to push my buttons.

I’ve realised that he is actually extremely sensitive to my moods and tends to play up more when I’m stressed (such an unfortunate combo). One thing that sometimes works to deflect things when we are both angry is to offer a hug or say that I need one, just to bring that connection back.

With the routines I think it’s worth using a carrot rather than stick - so a sticker chart or other reward. My 6yo gets to play a game on my phone if there is any time left between breakfast and leaving the house for school. He never gets to do this at any other time so it’s really motivating for him (and it’s an educational game so win win!). Wishing you all the best.

@WildTwins I feel the exact same when I take mine out, even at nearly 6 it’s a gamble if they will listen to me and like you said when they’re all running in different directions or refusing to leave the park you’re completely outnumbered. I do have a very flexible job otherwise I wouldn’t manage at all but realistically may have to drop my hours as I’m definitely not coping with the relentlessness of it all. Thanks for your messages and no doubt it will get better for us both in time ❤️

Some approaches that I find helpful:

If you lose your calm, they've won. Remain on your perch and don't falter. Pretend there's a camera in every room and your adult children are going to watch this back.

If behaviour is very poor, don't give the space for it but say "You seem to have forgotten that you are six. You are acting as if you are two so I will have to treat you as if you are two. Hopefully you will make six year old choices next time". They will not enjoy the loss of freedom and it allows you to ask "Are you ready to act as if you are six?" as a way back in.

With this many children, classroom control strategies might work. Like getting silence using a fun call back - think of a line from a song or an advert they like, you say that first part and they finish it off. You have a moment of engagement.

Structures. If something is being messed around deliberately, have a visual time table to show what there won't be time for.

Drop anything you can afford to. Can they go to bed partially dressed for the next day. No elaborate hair styles. Breakfast muffins are faster and easier than toast if made ahead.

Set challenges and have a timer with a reward if the challenge is met. If one person is messing out up for everyone else, they might find it less enjoyable to be that person.

Laminate your routine so you can stick stickers to it and see how well they've done that day.

Try saying 'My patience was bigger a little while ago but now it has shrunk to the side of a pea and I'm beginning to feel quite cross. What can we do to make sure everyone stays calm and we get to (whatever the goal is).

Spend time individually. If acting out of the only way they get to have your undivided attention, none of this will work. If they feel heard and loved and seen, they will be less keen to ruin that.

@Grinchinlaws i think you’re completely right about them reading moods, it definitely feels like the behaviour is worse when I’m already having a bad day or have been stressed out with work. Sometimes I think the best thing for them would be if I didn’t work but unfortunately that’s not an option.

Thanks for your advice and I’m definitely going to try and bring in some more carrot type techniques and see how that goes :)

I am not surprised you lose your temper! - this is because you are human!

One thing you might consider when things are tough is that, losing your temper is natural, but you might make yourself feel better by trying not to make your comments personal - i.e. instead of telling DD she is "horrible", maybe tell her that she is behaving in a horrible way - I understand your concern about the possibility of undermining her self-esteem.

Maybe also not let the sun go down without telling them how much you love them - even if the previous few hours have been mayhem and they have not been in the least bit loveable!

It does sound as though you need more help - as anyone in your circumstances would. Your friends with singletons seem like paragons of virtue, but, as you rightly say, if they had your challenges they would definitely be very different!

Are there places you can turn for support? Have you though of looking to see if there is a local Home Start - https://www.home-start.org.uk/pages/faqs/category/how-home-start-helps#:~:text=Other%20Groups,out%20if%20they%20run%20any. I used to volunteer with them and they were excellent.

Just to reassure you - I had 3 DDs (not at the same time!) and they could be very challenging indeed, and there were times when I lost my temper, shouted, doled out too harsh a punishment etc. etc. but they are now loving adults with whom I have warm relationships. I have sometimes mentioned those times when I felt I was too hard on them and they claim not to even remember them!

Hang on in there - and take every bit of help you can find.

Hi op, it sounds like you've got loads on your plate and I'm not surprised you're struggling! Anybody would.

I'm going to go slightly against the grain here and put on my hard hat - you need practical help and support to get out of this cycle. It's totally understandable, but everyone just saying "I get it, it's hard" isn't going to help you suddenly stop screaming, calling your kids names and smacking them. You know that has to change, which is already a darn sight more than some parents realise!

Where is their dad is all of this? If he's not on the scene to help practically, where do things stand financially?

Do you have any other family or good friends you can reach out to? Can you go to groups / school events to try to build a network? Sometimes people think others have it all figured out or don't really know how to offer any help even though they'd gladly give it.

How is your job? Would they be understanding/flexible, maybe any scope of changing hours or anything, even temporarily?

Home Start has been mentioned and they are really good, I've used them myself and they are very understanding and have different people you can talk to, from help getting organised to ensuring you are receiving everything you are entitled to etc.

Would you consider a parenting course? There's far too much stigma around these in my opinion. Sometimes you just need different ideas or ways of looking at things, sometimes you have so much in your head you can't think straight. It's not a dig, it's how things are when you're spinning 47 plates a day!

Good luck op, you sound like an incredibly strong person and I'm sure you will find a way through this and that your kids will look back and see an amazing mum who was doing her best even when she struggled.

I had the most wonderful homestart volunteer for about 2-3 hours one day a week for about 2 years.

If you don't like the person you're matched with you can just suggest another. Definitely contact them.

Please don’t smack them. Violence breeds violence. If they hit one another I’m assuming they would be punished you have to lead by example. I know easier said than done when you have your hands so full. Perhaps next time you feel your going to lose your temper walk away into another room for a few mins to calm yourself down. I guess you have to pick your battles - reward charts have helped me with getting ready in the morning as it’s stressful and they have to get to school/ your work on time. Bedtime - the worst that can happen is the go to bed 10 mins later if they are mucking about it’s not worth losing the rag over it. The fact that you are aware of the damage this could be causing though shows how much you do love your kids and care x

Thanks for these really helpful comments and ideas. I totally agree I know I need to stop losing it and I am going to try some of these suggestions. Had some pretty horrible private messages but I guess that’s understandable.

I tried Homestart when I was pregnant as I knew I would need help with them but unfortunately they don’t cover the area I live. That was a while ago though so I will give them another call. And actually I wouldn’t mind giving a parenting course a try. I just need techniques to be able to manage in the moment.

My job is flexibleish but also quite stressful and I have considered decreasing my hours as I do think it would mean I am a better parent to them if I wasn’t so tired and stressed. Just a tough decision as I am the only income and we would struggle financially if I did this. It would be worth it though if it meant I was a better mum.

My god, I'd crumble. You're doing an amazing job.

The only advice I have which I already do with only one child is to simplify everything you can. Everything.

Keep dinners really really simple. Put them to bed in their uniform if that's what it takes. Have a think about your daily routines and look at where you can make life easier. And don't feel any guilt about doing so.

If they're clean enough, fed, and happy, that's plenty for now.

I didn't have triplets but I did have 4 kids and mornings where my nemesis. It helped to have everything fit uniforms laid out the night before , bags packed and all lunches done etc. then in the morning no tv, no tablets, no games, nothing. It's breakfast, brush teeth/get washed, get dressed and get coats and bags. Then and only then where they showed to go on a tablet/read a book etc while waiting to leave. The quiet atmosphere really helped and the lack of distractions seemed to died them all up to ge Ray.

But honestly, you are superwoman raising triplets and working full time. Hats off to you

As @Tittat50 said, you are a single mum
Raising triplets. Think about that. It's a huge achievement!

I found 6 to be a really hard age and I only have one. I know you will have heard it a thousand times but it does get easier. You're a single mum to triplets since birth, you are AMAZING!

I can't believe you've had private messages, dear god. If they're negative, ignore them please.

Decent people know that if we hit out it's our loss of control. We know this.

I struggled so much with really challenging times years ago raising mine. I recall smacking my childs bum in moments of absolute despair. I had no idea how to deal with the magnitude of it ( not his fault at all but ND undiagnosed, single mum, myself very unwell physically).

Under the right stressors, every single one of us can become something we're not.

Some of the home start people may be a bad fit but I was lucky and got an absolute angel. Still my friend 10 years later.

I get it. I'm a single mum of twins, and work full-time in a senior, stressful role.

Before kids I was very calm and never raised my voice. Now I feel like a short-tempered, shouty, stressed person. I feel like I'm always rushing against a deadline - getting out in the morning to go to pre-school / at weekends getting out to their hobbies / getting home in time for food before they have a meltdown / getting to bed.

Mornings can be stressful - I'll pick out clothes (no uniform), and then they argue/cry/tantrum since they want to wear something else. Or they each want the same thing. The battle to get teeth brushed/hair done/socks on/ shoes on/coat on. I can't go into another room for a few minutes to calm down, since we're late and I'm in a rush to get to a meeting. By the time I start work, I feel like I've done a days work.

I try to use loads of praise when they get their own shoes (for example) on. I try to leave more time, so it's not as rushed and stressful. I try to remember they are only small.

I think only other single parents get it - there is no-one to take over and give you a breather when you're at the end of your tether. I've no advice really, only empathy! When my kids are both having a meltdown, I always joke "imagine having triplets!" The twins now say it back to me, when they see I'm getting stressed!