Can’t stop losing temper with my triplets

[Tripletmam]

Hi everyone, I am a single mum of triplets (identical girls and a boy) who are almost 6 years old. I’ve been a single parent to them pretty much from the beginning. I work full time and have some family support with childcare whilst I’m at work (school pick up’s etc)

When I first had them I knew I had some hard years ahead but I really thought by this point once we had got passed the toddler and preschool years it would get a bit easier but I still find them such hard work and am losing my temper with them almost every morning getting them ready for school and every evening at bedtime. No matter how hard I try I always end up shouting at them and getting cross and sometimes I can say really childish and mean things to them.

My one daughter in particular drives me up the wall and can be really unpleasant and mean to her siblings, she’s like a teenager already with her attitude and strops and winds me up so much I end up getting into battles with her and calling her ‘spoilt’ and ‘horrible’ aswell as screaming and shouting. I’m ashamed to say there are a few occasions where I have also smacked.

I am not an angry or aggressive person in any other part of my life nor have been in the past but the rage and frustration that I feel so often when I am with them makes me really question myself and who I am as a person. I really am ashamed and know they deserve better than this. I worry all the time that I’m damaging their self worth and self esteem and tell myself every night I must stay calm and not be like this anymore but another day comes and the exact same thing happens

Sometimes I really think they would be better off without me and I am just causing them damage and they will grow up to hate me and only remember the horrible me. I never thought this would be the mum I would become and I’m so sad for them that this is the mother they have.

@Apollonia1 thanks for the tips, have had some great tips from this thread so far and actually tried them at bedtime and bedtime was definitely a lot calmer even though my daughter had a nuclear meltdown after her swimming lesson. I managed to keep my cool. I feel just having these supportive comments and well meaning advice has really helped me feel like I can turn things around and I’m not alone in how I feel or in this experience. There’s something so comforting in others saying they get it.

@Tittat50 i have had some truly awful private messages today from one person in particular but actually it’s not bothered me as they clearly haven’t a clue about my situation. The opinions of those who can understand what I might be going through are all that I care for and messages such as yours has really picked me up today with practical advice not just hateful judgements.

Thanks to everyone who has taken the time to comment. Appreciate every one of you and it’s been so so helpful ❤️

I have three, including twins, but a fairly hands-on DH so a lot more help than you do.
Kids are very annoying. No doubt about it. I have a few tricks.
Organise organise organise. Do as much as you can each night to help the morning to run better. Get up earlier so that you can have a cup of tea alone before the madness begins.
Screens are disastrous for creating moodiness in my crew, and also cause them to not hear/ not listen which is infuriating at times. So I minimize screen use.
Music is brilliant. Play as much as you can; in the kitchen, in the car. It lifts the mood.
Keep snacks ready for after school.
Have an assigned day each for choosing tv/ sitting in the middle of the back seat/ similar to avoid quarreling.
One huge irritation for me is when kids don't eat dinner. So, honestly, I don't try too hard. I batch cook and use the freezer, so it's much less annoying than if I make e.g. lasagne from scratch and only one eats it.
I assign small chores and reward with ticks on a chart. Just clothes into laundry basket, cups downstairs, beds made etc.
I try to get them to bed early.
I sometimes pretend that there's a camera on me if I feel like I might lose the plot. It sounds silly but it works.
Try to carve out a little bit of time for yourself even if it's just to go for a walk or read a book or do a beauty treatment or something.
Try to be funny. Make jokes, do silly stuff, chase them around, give piggybacks and tickles and occasionally go for a picnic or fly a kite or something. Tell them some funny stories about work or places youve been or some daft thing you did. I ordered kimchi in a Korean restaurant when we went out for dinner once and it was the most unexpectedly horrific thing I've ever tasted. The kids were so amused by it - I think they never thought an adult would hate a food and be unable to eat it. They still ask me to tell the (non) story!
I'm not sure if it would be possible but try to spend even ten minutes a day with each of them alone regularly, maybe for a story or a game.
You're already a superhero.

@villainousbroodmare this is such a helpful and uplifting post thank you. These are all such good ideas and I will definitely try some of these things with my 3. You sound like such a lovely and fun mum :) xx

OP, I sympathise with you as a mother of 4 dds including triplets on the second pregnancy. Life can be hard at every age, when mine were little I ended up employing my dad as a manny. I was lucky as he was ex military and took his past military life into his child care responsibilities.

My dds laugh about it now but even I jumped every time he bellowed at the girls to do this and do that, put your toys away, tidy your rooms, eat what your given and be at the front door in 5 minutes or you’ll get left behind. His cast iron discipline worked well for me as dh and I worked full time. I appreciate that not everyone has this type of family help.

I had a rough time when mine were small. I came back from parental burnout by:

1. prioritising my wellbeing because it very clearly directly benefitted them. Whatever joy looks like for you, for the sake for your kids make it happen.
2. getting more sleep
3. starting a routine of starting every, single bedtime with what made me proud of them and what I loved about them. It helps them but also helped me to reconnect when I was spent after a long day.
4. Telling them when I was tired from work or frustrated by a client rather than imagining that I would be able to suck it up. So I’d say I had a really rough day? How was your day? Would you like a hug.
5. cancelling doing things because I should if they didn’t serve us - for example we stopped all clubs. They didn’t like going, I didn’t like taking them. But I felt I “should”.

Hope some of these help! Parental burnout is more serious than work burnout because you can’t quit. So requires even more serious life readjustment and re prioritisation. Don’t imagine you can just will power yourself out of it.

I agree with this.

Also I'm in disbelief that their Dad presumably walked out on his 3 babies and left you to it. Does he ever see them/give you a break?