Unconditional parenting fans - I NEED your help re: DD (3) and bedtime...pleasepleasepleasepleasepleasepleasepleasepleasepleasepleaseplease

[WankmasterBastardDeLaShithead]

DD has been getting worse and worse at going to bed. We've always had a great routine, and she's pretty much always been a decent sleeper (bar the odd blip).

She had a stairgate on her bedroom door until a couple of months ago. We took it off because she can climb over it. Since then she's gradually been getting more and more difficult at bed time. We've tried 'cracking down' on it over the past few weeks, but to NO avail. We've mainly tried rapid return and it DOES NOT WORK. We've also tried rewards and punishments (e.g. taking one of her many cuddly toys, shutting the door etc....shit ideas, I know - entirely DH's plan).

Can anyone give me some 'Unconditional Parenting' or 'How to Talk' stylee suggestions?

I'm despairing , and we're both feeling like utterly shit parents.

I have bought How to Talk So Kids will listen, and will start reading tonight, but if anyone could give us a headstart with some quick pointers we'll try them tomorrow night.

I don't know about you, emkana, but I really need to know my parenting day is coming to an end at some point and to have an endless round of 'I don't want to go to bed' would do me in. I don't mind sitting reading in a child's doorway, but I've come to feel that (my) small children really need to go to bed at a reasonable hour for the sake of their mum's sanity.

I'd let her muck about in her room if she wants to.

ds tends to get bored of it if he sees no reaction and takes himself back to bed.

And looking at the OPs name she feels the same!!

Janni, I need my evening too, but I believe that "giving in" will get the same result as "being tough" eventually, and it's less tough.

I must admit I just muttered Lie down and mine did so I have no idea what I would do if wandering about kicked in.

Although mine was mainly concerned with having company when she nodded off.

How old is she?

she's three MrsR.

sorry your having a bad time! i hav had to do bed times you have to reinforce the routine so if you give hugs and kisses do that explain why going to bed and keep doing the same thing over and over a again until they go to sleep it may take 2-3 nights but the habit will break. and don't give in otherwise it will be harder to deal with in the long run. Good Luck

I would tell her that she can stay up if she wants, but she is not to disturb you or her db. Let her look at books, play quietly - as long as she stays in her room. And I know it's not unconditional parenting style, but when dd was 2.5 we had a very similar problem and a sticker chart (with 5 stickers = addition to train track, which worked out very expensively) worked a treat. I combined it with a rule that she wasn't allowed out of her room, or to yell for us, and in reurn I would go and see her every 10 minutes (though like snotty I took advantage of the fact she had no real concept of time)

I think the answer is to explain things- mummy will stay in your room but only if you stay in bed, as you need to sleep to grow stong and have energy for tomorrow.
Then tell a long rambling story which ends in the heroine being so tired her eyes feel heavy as she listens to the sea and snuggles up to the big furry bear who is so warm and soft that she feels sleepy...etc

ZZzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz

HUh..whassat...where am I??

Oooh MrsR you're good.

Lol Wankmaster- that's the problem, you end up feeling sleepy too!!!

Having problems going to bed is very common at age 3. Even for previously good sleepers.

When my DD was 3 I had a newborn. It was such a shock to see this previously happy sleeper refusing to go to bed. But I had to be drastic, so me or DH sat outside her bedroom door and refused to let her do anything other than sit quietly or go back to bed. No reading stories, no chatting, just sitting there in situ and finally allowing her to fall asleep on the floor if that was what it took.

Second born, DS, had exactly the same thing at age 3 again. We did the same with him as we had done with DD (experience taught us) simple refusing to allow him to do anything other than sleep. Sit on the landing with a book. Bar the way downstairs or into another room. If you say anything at all say "its night time now darling, sleepy time" or some such.

Little children need to sleep, otherwise they just can't function during the day. Sleep deprivation is worse for children than it is for parents: I really believe this. Adults can override tiredness, its hard, but they can. Tiny little ones don't know they are feeling grumpy and irrational through lack of sleep. Adults can understand this.

BTW, I don't really know what "unconditional parenting" is, so maybe what I've just posted is a pile of poo!

eekamoose - no that's very helpful and reassuring advice (as is everyone's!)

Thanks. Am off to bed now to dream about that princess and the sea and that big fwuffy bear....

I think it is a phase, we went through it with DS when he was 3 and now with DD who is 3. Lighter evenings seem to be the trigger in this house. Fingers crossed they'll be used to them in a few weeks time.

In hindsight didn't handle it very well with DS (but DD was 1 and getting up at 5am every day so I was desperate for him to settle so I could.)

Have since read UP and far more relaxed anyway because no baby in the house.

Some evenings DD just won't get in her bed. I just say that she can stay in her room and play quietly until she is sleepy, turn the light off (she can't reach the switch without going to fetch a step from another room and I hear when she does this) and leave the door ajar so the room is dimly lit by natural light. Then I get on with my life (ie clear up kitchen) After about 15 mins she calls me to ask me to put her to bed. Don't know what I'd do if it went on for longer than 30 mins though!

ooo, the 3 year old stage.......dd is turning 4 next month, and we've basically had a year of this. I think on the whole it's getting better, a BIT but I wonder if she'll always be like it....

anyway, we have done the sticker thing, and at one point, when she didn't let me leave the room for nights on end, i did the 'I'll be back in one minute. I wonder if you can stay in your bed like a statue til i come back then you can have a sticker.....' then increased it to 2 mins, 5 mins, etc.. it did actually work. then in a few nights of doing this they are secure in the knowledge that you will be coming back, you don't even have to bother past the 2 min step as they SHOULD be asleep (and have no concept of time

we also have a wall of glow in the dark stars which 'the fairies' leave dd in the morning if she stays in her bed at bedtime. you can do the 3 chances to come out thing (so 3,2 or 1 star is gained).

these worked for dd in the short term, and still do from time to time. have yet to find the secret though

Our ds started at about 2.5/3 wanting us there when he went to sleep (in fact, it's what he wanted before that I think but he was more persistent about it by 3). After trying to find ways to get him to settle without us, we realised at was actually easier all round if we stayed with him while he fell asleep. Fortunately, this kind of conincided with him dropping his day time nap, so he is really tired by bed time. We still stay with him while he goes to sleep, only about 5 mins usually, so then we can get on with the evening (unless we fall asleep...) If he starts getting chatty I remind him that it's bed time and no more talking!
This is working fine at the moment but I do worry a bit that we won't be able to break the habit if it starts taking him longer to fall asleep. Also, he does tend to wake in the night and run into our room, which I suppose may be connected with him needing us there to sleep.

Mine have both been crap sleepers and share a room. The 3yo keeps the 4yo awake so I have to sit in the room til she goes to sleep. It takes a few mins if I do it straight away, it takes ages if I let them muck about for too long as they just wake up more.

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lol at
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am getting nervous about all this talk of sleep habits changing around 3... hmm. no thanks.

agree with emkana that you don't have to have a PhD in consistency to ultimately achieve the same results.

sorry, now I'll try and think of something helpful.

I think you may be throwing too much attention at it with rewards etc.

Am still quite enamoured with the bed, bed, bed thing although not with Heat magazine.

Actually, Cod's is one of the most "How to Talk"y suggestions on here!!

Am watching this with interest as ds1 (3.6) is giving us merry hell at bedtime atm which is particularly welcome given that I have a 3mo that I am also trying to get to sleep.

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