Letting dd have a day off due to anxiety

[maybeamistake]

Dd started reception in September. She has ASD. At nursery she never had any separation anxiety whatsoever and wouldn’t acknowledge me saying goodbye or returning she was very much in her own world. Since starting reception it’s like she has very suddenly developed the realisation that she is left ? Which is good in a way as that’s normal development but just later as she has delays?

She wakes up each morning screaming now after having night terrors each night screaming about needing me. Each morning she’s begging to stay here and I’ve been taking her in but it’s awful. Today I’ve just cuddled her and said it’s ok it’s still the weekend so that she calms down as it’s making her so unwell. I’m worried I should have home educated her? We are waiting for a response from the LA about assessing for an EHCP.

The problem is, if you do it once then will she expect it regularly?

I know how hard it is to take a child to school when they’re distressed but how is she in school?

I would try to work with the school more first to see what can be done to help alleviate her anxiety. Does she have a visual timetable? Social story?

xx

I agree with pp, do it once and she’ll want it again.

I’m just extremely worried about autistic burnout as she’s so excessively distressed it’s not just drop off she doesn’t settle at all and as she has no concept of time due to delays we get home and she’s still worried about going to school again that day ? Then she is up with night terrors and she’s totally exhausted, I feel as if she needs a few days to have her stress levels reduced then I think we may have to go back but on a part time timetable. It’s just overwhelming for her

She has ASD and you're her mother. Make the decision you think is right because no one else is going to prioritise her like you do. I try to avoid days off for anxiety (because I don't think it makes going any easier) but this is your call.

I would be making some very thorough investigations onto what is happening at school, as well, since this is new. You don't have to be unpleasant about it but you do have to find out.

She has visual timetables etc but isn’t responding to them anymore in the last week or so - she is barely eating as well and at every transition point even with her now and next board she is just screaming about school

What has her form teacher said? The school will have lots of experience and are there to advise you. Talk to them about how to manage her expectations and her anxiety.

They’ve said keep bringing her and she will be fine and adjust but it seems to be affecting her 24/7 and it’s really concerning me

Despite the huge amount of pressure regarding attendance at the moment - as a parent of two autistic children, use your instinct. Forcing the issue can quickly lead to burnout due to repetitive stress and trauma, and then she won’t be in for a long time. Working with school and pushing for reasonable adjustments is key, and the occasional day off whilst you work towards a robust support plan for her will likely help to prevent full blown EBSA in the near future. Yes, apply for an EHCP. The earlier the better on that front. Unfortunately our education system is generally not conducive to calm, regulated autistic children and young people.

I would be making some very thorough investigations onto what is happening at school, as well, since this is new

Presumably they only started school a few weeks ago?

Have you spoken to the school OP and explained? When I used to teach this wasn't that unusual and we had plenty of different things we could try in collaboration with the parents (a lot of trial and error- unfortunately there isn't usually a magic wand).

For example one child used to find drop offs and everyone saying bye far too overwhelming, but speaking with his parents and seeing what he found challenging in general and what he found helpful we arranged for mum to walk him into school via reception 5 minutes before main gates open and a TA would come and collect him and walk him to class so he could drop his stuff in the cloakroom and get settled before the hustle and bustle off drop offs. Another child found it useful to have a fidget toy type thing to take their mind off of it etc. Hopefully school will be helpful, but please don't take the stress of this alone; it's really hard when you have a child who is so distressed about going to school but you want to do the 'right' thing. It sounds like today the right thing is keeping home, but I would speak to them ASAP so it doesn't become routine. Obviously if you explore options and none work then perhaps home schooling etc would be best, but worth trying first?

Sorry, read this after I'd posted as took me ages to type! Speak to them again, ask to arrange a 5/10 minute meeting and include the SENCO. For reception children usually this advice is fine as they do settle, but in this case where it's affecting her so much it won't magically change.

I have a dc with asd

i would home educate for reception at least.

If you let her stay off, you be reinforcing the anxiety and making it stronger. You will be reinforcing that school is a dangerous place and to be avoided.

if you feel you need a longer term strategy, could flexi-schooling be an option for you rather than full-time home schooling? So perhaps on Wednesday, you home-school to give her a break mid-week? That way you’re being proactive and hopefully reducing her distress and allowing her to cope, manage and recover, (which may have a knock on effect on the anxiety), rather than reacting when the anxiety becomes intolerable. Good luck.

Has something triggered this, maybe an incident or issue at school, someone spoke harshly to her? Ho are her language and comprehension skills, does she get any specific support?

Not in Reception no. A teenage is something else. Before you know it you will have a school refuser on your hands.

As a parent of an autistic daughter who wasn't diagnosed until she was 13, my biggest regret and guilt is forcing my daughter to school when she was distressed. The staff told me she was fine and would get used to it but she didn't and it was all too much for her.
Listen to your daughter, she's not coping. Sending hugs as I know how hard it is xx

I think it’s just that she has developmental delays as well and the separation anxiety phase has started now whereas for others it’s a lot earlier. She had 2 years of nursery no issues and she would be silent and never cried and was ok at home but over the summer she seemed to make progress with language and understanding and the change of setting as well and I think it’s severe separation anxiety.

As a parent to a teen who has had a lot of time off with anxiety I would say don't do it.

Having more time off just makes it harder to go back in.

My son is NT according to NHS assessment, but he gets anxious more than the average child. He's in year 1 now, and I've let him have a couple of 'down days' since starting school when he has been massively struggling. They helped a lot.

But, if the anxiety is frequent and constant, 1 day off will likely lead to more? It's early in the term and year yet. It sounds like you need a longer term plan in place. It's so hard :(

When I pick her up I can see she’s puffy from crying all day, they say she cries till after lunchtime and rarely eats but then goes quiet and sits alone I think that’s just the point she’s reached shutdown then when we pick her up it’s a meltdown again I’m anxious about her stress levels being so high all
day

This

I wouldn't do it as a first option today unless you are serious about off rolling and home educating.
If you're not at that point you need to work with the school to get her the support she needs rather than not send her in. Ask for a meeting with the SENCO, chase the EHCP.

You need to support her going in, not make excuses for her not doing so.

That sounds just awful for her and for you. I wonder if another year of nursery might be a possibility? Or a smaller school? She is very young still. But it definitely needs to start with conversations with the current school.

Hey 👋 my little boy has recently developed separation anxiety this last year-18months, he goes to a SEND school (ASD, non-verbal, cognitive delay), his attendance is only 77% this year so far as some days he won’t get on the bus, the school are very understanding about it so while its good to try get them to go (we have a mass screaming meltdown most mornings) if he gets too upset we don’t/cant force him, we let the school know that he is not in due to refusing to get on the bus and they are fine with it, BUT we do try to get him to go EVERY morning, somedays we manage to get him on screaming n kicking, somedays we don’t at all (hes 9 and a big lad) so without any cooperation from him at all, its impossible, somedays he will get on the bus no problem and actually seem excited for it, i can generally tell what type of morning im gonna have by how much he fights me when getting him dressed but sometimes he will get dressed fine n still scream when the bus comes, sometimes he will fight getting dressed but go on the bus ok 🤷🏻‍♀️ lol xx

Hi op, I'm in a different boat but I totally understand where you are coming from.

My son has very intense separation anxiety, but he's always had it. At nursery every single drop off was awful and it took him months and months to settle properly, with the help of some amazing staff and me and DH using lots of strategies at home.

He also started school in September and I can't tell you how worried I was. The last few weeks of nursery were, quite frankly, awful. I could barely get him there and even things like his "leaving party" and school stay and plays, which other parents got to enjoy as nice, exciting things, were just traumatising to be honest. At the gates of a school stay and play (where the parents stayed!) he was trying to run off, screaming "don't take me in that place" 😬

He spent weeks saying he didn't want to go to school, wanted to stay with me etc. We had meetings with the school in advance - made arrangements for him to be able to have his toy rabbit and wear his hat in school. They met with nursery and noted down the strategies that worked for helping him calm down etc. We tried his uniform on and did practice drop offs the week before. The first drop off was awful, as expected...

But he actually loves school! He cries at drop offs but not as badly as at nursery, he doesn't (for now) get super strong getting ready to go. We have to stick to the morning routine but he's so much calmer. At school they have a quiet room for when he goes in but the last few weeks he's just gone to "the book nook" and gathered himself for a few minutes. They have a set task he does first thing each morning to help him regulate. He seems to be thriving on the structure and routine of always knowing what is happening and where he's going each day. We are absolutely amazed, but not taking anything for granted!

I guess I'm saying, I've been there. It's really fucking hard and unless someone has been through it with their child, seeing the distress first hand, they won't get it.

I'd be cautious about getting into a habit of days off as it could be counter productive, breaking routine, making it less clear when she'll be in Vs at home etc. But, if she's that stres and exhausted, follow your instinct. Speak to the school, her teacher, the senco etc. There's a massive push for attendance now, but they need to see children as individuals not source data for their targets. They need to acknowledge her struggles and help you with a plan going forward to support her and help her thrive, however that may be.