just don't know how much I can take anymore

[Anasjwj]

baby is 19 weeks, im beyond exhausted she does not sleep not in the day or night in the night I see every hour every night then she refuses to sleep from 6 am I sleep no more than 45 minutes at a time but sometimes it takes her an hour or more to sleep again
she cries all day I cant even eat a hot meal without crying whinging im so over stimulated in the day I breakdown multiple times crying
I cannot cope anymore, im at the end with it all, im so exhausted everday I just think again really I have a day with no end my memory is terrible now, I have no appetite, im depressed, sad I look horrific huge bags under my eyes I feel sick all day long

I am so miserable I hate being a mum, and no I get no help I cannot trust my family with her as before when asked for help they didnt follow safe sleep, letting her sleep on the sofa alone, or wrapping her in 100 loose layers not keepong her sleep space clear kissing her etc

honestly if the dad was around and willing I would probably give her to him and run away u cant go on its making me suicidal
I would never hurt my baby and I do love her but I need sleep its affecting my life so so badly I would rather die then go on like this, I found a lump in my boob 3 months ago I went to the gp just recently and the gp looked worried im waiting an urgent ultrasound and as bad as It sounds I hope it is cancer so I can just die

Hello, I didn't want to read and run. I can hear how exhausted and desperate you feel. The lack of sleep can really have a massive impact on how everything feels. It sounds as if it would be a good idea to reach out for some professional help if you can't rely on your family - I remember bursting into tears on a lady at the local library when my youngest DD (a terrible sleeper) was tiny. She called the health visiting team and they got the GP involved. It helped, and my family took me seriously from then on.

As your family aren't reliable, do you have a friend or neighbour who could give you an hour of respite - to get a shower or an uninterrupted meal at least?

Sleep deprivation is awful.

Do you or can you cosleep with baby? Just you and baby in a double bed.

Does baby go to nursery or a childminder in the day? If so, drop them off and go home to sleep.

Can you call the health visitor and say what you wrote in your post?

10 weeks is the worst time l remember. Doing it on your own is a nightmare. Can you go stay with your mother if that is possible. I know you mightn't approve of everything they do but just to get some sleep. Or do you have a friend who would come in for a few hours at the weekend so you can sleep. Do you have a public health nurse who could advise you about sleep?
Has baby been checked for tongue tie/ colic or any other complications? They might need a different type of milk if the one you are using is not agreeing with them.
I know babies who slept better after an osteopath as there was some complications after the birth which they sorted.
You have my complete sympathy.

I went back to work at about 5 months because my DS cried all the time, and I mean from the moment he opened his eyes until he went to bed. I had several breakdowns and was eventually diagnosed with PND - but they weren't overly concerned about me as they knew it was THE CRYING. It's like torture, so you have my sympathies. The only thing that worked other than putting him in nursery for two days a week while I had a "break" (work) was being able to hand him over to someone else for an hour or two when it all got to much. Have you got any friends close by?

Can you get your baby into a nursery for maybe just one day a week? Then you can get some sleep and your baby is safe.

I remember those days, having a newborn is especially hard and without support too. Did you like your health visitor, if so contact them. Or your GP for support.

Look at the lullaby Trust on how to co sleep safely, honestly that saved me.

This won't go on much longer.

The lump in your breast is unlikely to be cancer, if it was a month after your baby was born it's more likely to be breastmilk related. It's good that your GP is looking into it but try not to worry.

You can accept family help. Choose the most sensible family member and agree on your non negotiable safety measures in advance. Maybe they could take the baby for a walk in the pram (minimal decision making required).

And another vote for safe co sleeping

It's not easy !!! You need help!!!! I agree with PP about putting baby in nursery for at least 2 days per week so you can sleep. Also tell your GP about the PND.

Please get in contact with your health visitor and GP. I'm not sure what they can do but they need to know you are struggling.

What part of the country are you?

I really feel for you, it is so hard. It does get better but it is impossible to see that , the next stage feels so far away. My only advice is to seek help where you can .Speak to your health visitor as you may be depressed and they can help. As far as family are concerned would they not want to support you when you need them even if it means following your rules? Could you revisit this? Prioritise yourself as best you can and just go along from hour to hour. Looking at the clock leads to madness.

It’s so so hard, she’s just started at uni now but just remembering that time brings tears to my eyes. Some babies just are harder than others but not everyone understands this. Please get some help, good suggestions from previous posters but also maybe call this helpline https://www.cry-sis.org.uk hope today is a better day!

Have you considered the possibility of allergies like CMPA? Constant crying is unusual. Also, have you perhaps tried cosleeping to help your baby wake up less?

Sorry it's so tough right now.

Also-- If you are feeling suicidal please reach out to the Samaritans or your GP, OP. I'm so sorry it's so tough.

Nothing helpful to add- just that you have my sympathies.
It's so tough. Relentless.
It does get better I promise.

I'm so sorry you are struggling OP. Having a small baby is hard and doing it alone must be exhausting

Please speak to your GP or health visitor, and think if there is anyone, family or friends you'd trust to watch your baby for a few hours. There's also nothing wrong with popping in some earphones and listening to music or a podcast while you comfort your baby either. It can make the crying easier to manage.

I know it feels never ending now but I promise it gets better. The hours can feel so incredibly long when they are tiny, but the months and years pass quickly. Just last night I was looking at my toddler and thinking, how on earth did I deal with all those all nighters when he was a baby! Soon this will be a memory for you too.

Also been there. Got to the point where I was suicidal. Contact your HV.
I found my first slept well in a pram being rocked so bought a pram rocker. My second (yes I was stupid and did it again) needed white noise and rocking. He was too fat to be swaddled but liked to be tucked in tightly.
I give you permission to tell people to fuck off if they don’t follow your rules. Helping is not helping if you don’t listen to mum.

Im currently in the same boat- sleepwise, my 9 month old hates sleep, i was awake between 3&5 last night again and saw every hour before that and every hour after, she had one half hour nap yesterday, my only saving grace and why i haven’t lost it, is she is a happy baby, i think i would be right where you are if she cried all day too (although she has her days) she is also going through a pinching/stratching/biting stage (i know she doesn’t intend to hurt me) i currently have bruises all over the back of my arm, where she pinches me, my nose looks like the cat has scratched it and my nipples are sore af because she keeps biting, and yes i have been in tears too (the most ive cried in 9 years) BUT it does get better, i have 4 older children who have all gone through this stage and it can take months, that first morning when you wake up with a jolt because baby has slept for a few hours and you feel like a new person, hang in there, you’re doing great, get help where you can like pps have said even if its just someone take her out in the buggy for an hour so you can relax, take a bath etc, you probably feel so alone (especially at night) but believe me you’re not, thousands of other mums are right where you are/ have been where you are, you’re not alone xx

Hello OP, we are really sorry to hear you are feeling this way.

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@Anasjwj are you ok?

How are you today? Ok I hope.

We had the same. I was at my wits end and that was with his dad helping wen he cane back from work. I would explore if he has colic as ours had that problem from birth. Colief helped but it was still relentless. I promise they do grow out of it but you have to find a coping strategy. Co-sleeping is always advertised as dangerous but it was the only thing that worked for me so maybe get some advice on ways to do it safely. Also ther is a helpline called cry-sis. They can offer advice and support in situations like this.
Free telephone helpline 0800 448 0737
Available 7 days a week from 9am until 10pm. also white noise helped a little too in keeping him asleep

thanks so much everyone, shes sleeping abit better now but thats simply because she had her jabs and it always makes her super sleepy when she has them,
I spoke very firmly to my mum the other day and left her with her for a few hours as I couldn't cope anymore and she did listen as I said how serious I was, so now I do feel I can leave her with my mum fr a bit but its never longer than like 2/3 hours as I breastfeed,

honestly I just wish I never breastfed as well it drains me so badly and having to go dairy egg and soy free along with my 100 other allergy's I have myself anyway its been a huge drain and stress of nothing to eat for me but cooking meat myself and some veg.

@Anasjwj so glad you managed to get a bit of respite, and that you’re feeling better for it xx

My son was like this with breastfeeding. I got sick of it so I gave him a bottle and he slept for 6 hours straight. I was a single mum too.
I'm more into sleep than breastfeeding.