When people just call you “mum”

[newmumabouttown]

I’ve had a bit of a bug bear with health visitors that always refer to me as “mummy” or “mum” rather than my name. I even introduced myself to one, even thought my name was on her screen, and she literally said “Oh we don’t care about your name once the baby arrives” Way to help out any mothers losing their sense of identify…

DS has just started nursery, and all the nursery staff are doing it. I’m just called “mum”. I’ve learned all their names, I don’t call them “staff member” or “baby servant”.

Is this normal? Is it okay to ask they call me by name?

I think that mum is probably better than Mrs X (where X is the child’s surname ) because the title and the surname might be wrong and nursery workers don’t want to come across as judgemental when they assume that you’re married and share the same surname as your child. It’s 2024 and people will know that families come in all kinds of shapes and sizes and don’t want to make a mistake.

Great post, thank you for raising it. I'm pregnant with my first and think I would find this grating. Even if it is common practice it doesn't mean it's okay. I'd say even if other people put up with it there's nothing to stop us from being assertive and asking that they use our real names, for principle's sake and especially for your own wellbeing if you find it depersonalising.

I actually thought it was just me who literally loathed this.

And when they call you 'clever/good girl, sweetheart, love' etc in hospital. I know it's endearment but I find it really patronising. Just use my name!

Sooooo many names for them to remember.

I'm a TA and welcome 26 children into class on a morning, and wave them off on an afternoon. If ever I need to speak to a Mum, I call them 'Mum', no offence intended.

In many situations (the situations when you're referred to as so and so's mum) your child is more important than you.

It's not a big deal, the HV is one person for you to remember, she's got 100s!

"mum" is better than Mrs xx like in the olden days!

I'm just sad that my 3 yo has stopped calling me Mummy and had moved on to "Mum". I did not expect this to happen so soon 😭😭😭😭

My true gripe is HVs and other professionals calling me by my first name, when I would much rather be Mrs name. But it's not a huge issue, just personal preference.

You think it's bad the teachers doing it? At least you're not me. Since I had kids FIL often calls me "Mummy" 🤢

I found it odd too as DS started nursery a few months ago.

I made sure I learned all their names as a sign of respect, but clearly being called "mum" is just the norm.

Agree - it drove me mad every time i dealt with a midwife or health visitor. Easily avoided without having to learn my name by the various tactics we all use when not knowing someone's name but unfortunately someone somewhere decided it was the "playbook" and they stick to it like glue.

I vaccinate children, so meet them and various parents, grandparents, nanny’s etc no I don’t know their names but I don’t call them mum dad etc I don’t know their names and barely get my own kids names right never mind random parents, not a hv though so I don’t have a relationship with the parents where I feel knowing their names is more important.

I don't care about this at all

I earned my stripes to be called Mum

It's like being called Lieutenant

I don't care. It doesn't bother me at all. I am "mum." I still know who I am just because someone I don't really know calls me mum and not my name. I might get a bit annoyed if dh or my own mum started doing it. I have a friend who it winds up a treat. She gets really angry about it and goes a bit red in the face.

This is one of those made up grievances that privileged women with lovely lives do seem to indulge in. IMO.

I hated it when I was a new mum. It just added insult to injury of my life being turned upside down.

Now that I have the other facets of my life back it doesn't really annoy me any more.

So annoying. Some teachers do it - I have actually said ‘it’s ok, my name is x’ which probably sounds a bit arsey.

I felt exactly the same. It particularly irks me when health professionals do it, as I find it infantilising. But like others have said, it unfortunately seems to be par for the course.

In nursery we had 58 on the books. Each child has between 1 and 4 people that pick them up regularly.
You're offended that we can't remember 60- 200 carers names?
It's enough that we recognise and match that many adults to children. Your expectations are unrealistic.

Thanks some really valid points, and some classic hilarious mumsnet agression. You keyboard warriors crack me up 😂

There are 9 kids in the nursery so you’re right, that’s up to 18 names, and we’re new so fair that maybe they can’t remember.

Yes, health visitor really did say that to me. And I think any medical professional that literally has your name on the screen in front of them (if it’s that kind of appointment) has no excuse.

I don't know, in some situations it can be quite sweet. Doctors used it to me when my daughter was in hospital briefly as a tiny baby and it made me feel they appreciated how hard that was.

Their priority is your child, not you. You happen to be ‘the mum’, or equally could be ‘dad’ or ‘grandma’… it’s a pragmatic and efficient way to communicate. I’m actually amazed at the entitlement, ego and lack of social cognisance behind some of these responses.

Haha yesss I completely agree with your bug bear about this!!! I really hate it too, it really annoys me!... Almost as much as when parents refer to their child as "the baby". They have a name!!! Even worse when they refer to "the baby" who is not even a baby anymore!

It doesn't bother me.
If it bothers you, just tell them, I'm sure they won't be annoyed x