When people just call you “mum”

[newmumabouttown]

I’ve had a bit of a bug bear with health visitors that always refer to me as “mummy” or “mum” rather than my name. I even introduced myself to one, even thought my name was on her screen, and she literally said “Oh we don’t care about your name once the baby arrives” Way to help out any mothers losing their sense of identify…

DS has just started nursery, and all the nursery staff are doing it. I’m just called “mum”. I’ve learned all their names, I don’t call them “staff member” or “baby servant”.

Is this normal? Is it okay to ask they call me by name?

They are referring to you in relation to your baby, so in that sense your own personal identity really is of secondary concern. I do understand and yes, it is depersonalising, but that's the reality of motherhood. You can hold onto your personal identity through other relationships and your job, but in this part of your life you really are 'Baby's mum'. You've kind of done it yourself in your username. It's just how it goes and it's not forever.

Wait till they start school 😂 yes it’s normal

I kind of like it (I mean hence my username). I almost nearly died bringing dc1 into the world, I feel like Mum is a badge of honour that was really hard for me to earn.

Like pp said though, it only makes sense in a mothering context. Ie I get called this at my dc's nursery. But not at my own work or by my friends

So normal. Don't waste energy on it.

Honestly for nursery staff it's probably just for ease. You have to remember a handful of their names. Expecting them to know not only the names of all the kids, but also those of mums and dads and various other carers who pick up feels a bit unrealistic. Over time they might, but it's an easy way to refer to someone whose name they probably can't instantly recall. I can't say it bothers me when it's something actually related to my kid.

This is one of my bugbears too. I dislike it. Yanbu

If you can be honest with yourself, don't you know lots of people that you only label in your head as so-and-so's mum/dad? Isn't it the same sort of thing?

Sure.
I am a girl guide leader. I can match girls and parents at hand over after a meeting but I won't spend my day memorizing parents' names. It's work enough with the girls.

Did the Health Visitor really say that?

People do this with me as well but I really like it. I’m very proud to be my son’s mummy, and if people are talking to me just in relation to him, I don’t think it’s important what my name is.

In days gone by, teachers could have happily called the mum Mrs child's surname. But now it's really hard to remember who is Mrs child's surname, who is Ms double barrelled name, who is miss totally different name, who is recently divorced and changed name etc. Much easier to say mum and not risk upsetting anyone!

Yes, it is perfectly normal where the primary focus of the conversation/activity is the child. So, from nursery workers, health visitors etc.

@MumChp Yep! I'm a Brownies leader, I had to learn 20 girls' names when I started, plus another 20 at the other unit I assist with. Am I heck learning the names of mums, dads and grandparents too! You do remember some of them over time of course when someone has been around a while and if you've had to contact them etc, but I'm definitely not putting any brain power into it as I don't have time!

How many kids in the nursery?? How many parents and grandparents and step parents??
In this context it’s totally normal and acceptable to be somebody’s ‘mum’.
As a teacher I’d feel very uncomfortable referring to a parent by their Christian name. I feel it’s unprofessional. And then there’s minefield of Mrs, miss, married name, maiden name etc etc. Those that have matching surnames and those who don’t.
I suspect that when a staff member is speaking to you they are often doing so in front of your child?? If so then it makes sense to use mum as that is who you are to them.
Being a parent is now part of your identity.

It doesn't bother me. I've got 5 kids and been Mum/ Mummy for the last 17 years.

Yeah it’s tricky to remember everyone’s names when you work with children. A lot more parents don’t have the same surname as their children now either so you can’t just go for Mrs X just incase. If it’s on the screen in front of you then yes that’s a bit lazy but it’s not something I could get worked up about tbh

It is easy for you to learn the name of 3 or 4 nursery staff/teachers. They, in the other hand, would have way more names to remember, it is not possible and unreasonable that you expect them to call you by name. It doesn't bother me in the slightest, I am proind of being 'mum'

I don't expect nursery workers to learn my name.

If a health visitor is talking to me while my child isn't present then I agree, they shouldn't call me mum.

It’s very normal and I understand why but it always bugged me too. You’ll get over it/worn down by it.

If it helps, it's not restricted to mothers.

My dd has been at her new school for just one month, and her teacher can already recognise dd's Granny and Grandad and they've only done pickup a handful of times.

They're addressed as Granny and Grandad by the staff. I'm just impressed they can match the grandparent to the child without asking

Do you expect them to learn the first name of every parent of every child?

I think you need to get over yourself to be honest.

I did all the childcare for DD's twins. I was called mum by everyone from nursery to medics. I was 62 when they were born and even got asked if my labour had been straightforward.

I don’t like it either but you can’t expect them to learn everyone’s name and what else would they use?

I only found this annoying on the postnatal ward when they were speaking directly to me.

I didn't expect them to learn my name, but I assume patients on other wards get referred to as "you". There was no need for "mum" when they're speaking directly to me and saying "how is mum?". Just say "how are you?"

I wasn't annoyed enough to do anything about it, I just found it a bit odd.

At nursery it doesn't bother me, they don't tend to do it while speaking directly to me. They only do it when speaking to DH about something they'd spoken to me about eg "I spoke to mum yesterday to let her know x". I don't expect them to know my name, and I understand why they don't assume a relationship by saying "I spoke to your wife".