Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

Parenting

For free parenting resources please check out the Early Years Alliance's Family Corner.

Flip

1 2

Original poster

What can I try now?

40 replies

NotABanana · 22/04/2008 12:29

You all know, the whole bloody world knows, my 7 year old son is challenging! My problem is how to deal with him defiantly and deliberately disobeying me. He has currently lost his computer again but I feel like I am fighting against something bigger IYSWIM. I try and talk to him about how he feels when we are all having a lovely time and how he feels when he is in one of his interesting behaviour patterns. He doesn't know. He says he can't help it and then he says he likes being like that. There is no build up or obvious trigger. He has a temper but I would expect that. I really am so crap at this. My upbringing has so clouded any natural motherly instincts and I am scared for the future tbh.

OP posts:

Are your children’s vaccines up to date?

Set a reminder

maidamess · 22/04/2008 12:30

At 7 he may be having one of those testosterone 'surges' that boys have. I know my normlly placid, compliant son has taken to slamming doors and stomping.

maidamess · 22/04/2008 12:31

Sorry, that wasn't helpful advice was it? Just a possible explanation for the moodiness and bad behaviour.

Original poster

NotABanana · 22/04/2008 12:32

It was helpful.

Any ideas as to what if anything I need to talk to him about?

OP posts:

Interested in this thread?

Then you might like threads about these subjects:

Families General parenting

maidamess · 22/04/2008 12:56

I don't wish to put the blame on you but how you ask your child to do something can really affect HOw they do it. Me and dh sometimes find ourselves in what we call 'prison warder' mode, saying 'brush your teeth, get your shoes, make your bed etc etc' And then we are surprised when they don' t do it, or give us grief!

have you tried talking to him about how you speak to each other? He should be old enough to tell you what makes him happy and sad. if you can come to some sort of agreement about how you will speak to each other, I think that could make a difference.

Original poster

NotABanana · 22/04/2008 13:07

You are right and I have been a lot less shouty and more calm lately. It is blooming hard when nothing seems to set him off or it may be a perfectly reasonable request like this morning was. He had made a lot of mess on the kitchen floor as he can't just sit still and eat. He leaves more food on the floor than the other 2 do together. Dh asked him to sweep it up and DS1 started with all the lip, etc etc

OP posts:

Original poster

NotABanana · 22/04/2008 16:27

Pick up kids from school.

FDS! comes out with 2 lots of sweets saying he willl give the one they are allowed to his sister and he wants the packet. (Not allowed.) He asks if we can comprimise on one a day. I say we can think about it but we need to talk about this mornings behaviour. He apologises.

Pushes DD over on way to park and we only still go because DD and DS2 want too. DS1 decides he doesn't want to join in and stays by the buggy. I watch the others and then realise I can't see DS1. Panic sets in and then I find him hiding behind a tree. Punishment is to lose his computer for a day.

Immediately we leave for home with him refusing to walk with us and then walk at home. I threatened to ring police. (Had just heard siren) Eventually we get home. I tried to talk to him on the way home but he doesn't say a word. I ask him to sit at the table and then he offers to put new batteries in his brother's toy. I say thank you. A few minutes later he deliberately makes a hole in his school uniform top with the screw driver.

OP posts:

Original poster

NotABanana · 22/04/2008 16:33

That should be DS1 comes out....

OP posts:

maidamess · 22/04/2008 18:22

Does he get lots of praise? Do you think he thinks you see him as a 'naughty boy' and a troublemaker?

His bad behaviour sounds like he is attention seeking...I have 3 kids too and I have this with my youngest, always playing up and then I realise he never gets any 'nice' time with me.

It sounds like he had the right hump at losing his computer and was prob. just as mad at himself as at you. Try asking him what he could do differently so he can keep all his treats, and also how pushing his sister makes her feel.

It sounds like you think of him in a negative way...(I do this with my 'naughty one' too) Think of some nice things about him. I know its hard!

cory · 22/04/2008 18:29

How long did he hide behind the tree? Would he realise that it was long enough for you seriously to panic? Just wondering because my ds (same age) does like hiding and jumping out and I can see how he could get the timing wrong and then get very huffy if I tried to punish him. I find ds gets incredibly upset when he finds himself unexpectedly in trouble, and he can stay upset for a very long time.

kittywise · 22/04/2008 18:34

nab, perhaps not much help to you, but if my children don't do what they are told then they're in real trouble.
You are the parent and should expect obedience and respect.
if my kids defy me then I will physically pick them up etc. and occasionally they have been smacked.
(at least I can't remember the lat time they did.) But they don't defy, they do what they're told and we're all happy. They are kids we are the adukts, we are in charge and that is the end of it.
So if not much help, but it sounds as if you have to take control.

Original poster

NotABanana · 22/04/2008 18:42

I try and praise him whenever he does anything (it is quite rare so we do notice) and he gets a bit shy about it. He is also good at pulling me up if I take "that tone with me Mummy" when it isn't fair (And I apologise) and he is being good if it seems like a general telling them all off and I acknowledge it to him.

I don't know how long he was actually hiding and it was less than 2 minutes before I saw him but you know it feels like an eternity when you can't find them. It wasn't a game that he was hiding.

He has just come down to ask for a cuddle and if he can have a joint story with his sister and he will let her choose.

I told him I love him, I will always love him but sometimes I don't like his behaviour but I always like him. He said he understood.

OP posts:

Original poster

NotABanana · 22/04/2008 18:43

kittywise - I wish I had your confidence! I have no control really I guess.

OP posts:

gagarin · 22/04/2008 18:47

Have you read Raising Boys by Stephen Biddulph? I thought it was really good and gave alot of insights that rang true.

BitLessTiredNow · 22/04/2008 18:48

I don't have a seven year old, so am hesitant about suggesting things, but it does sound you're locked in a cycle and I think you will have to be the one to short circuit it. Can you start saturday with something he loves and try not to get locked into the behaviour and punishment dialogue? Also, how does he react to unexpected affection? my ds1 is v tricky and I have found that showing him affection over the top when he is being bearable really helps, also pre-emptive thanking. One of my friends has a very challenging 7 yo and they were sent on a course called the incredible years which has turned him around beyond belief. I think they have a website.

kittywise · 22/04/2008 18:51

nab, I don't think it's confidence so much as self belief. YOU are in charge.
Know that and know that that should never change whilst he is a child in your care.

Know that there is no room for negotiation on who is in charge.
You can negotiate of course, about many day to day things but he must know that it is his mother (and father) who call the shots and that is the end of it!!

maidamess · 22/04/2008 18:52

I don't think being in charge means coming down like a tonne of bricks though. Its choosing your battles wisely...then coming down when they have really overstepped the mark.

Original poster

NotABanana · 22/04/2008 18:53

Definitely in a negative cycle.

DH and I are permanently shattered and never ever get a proper break from the kids or spend any time together.

I was just prepping our meal and tomorrow is another day. It will be a hard one as we have an appointment I am not looking forward too but MIL will have DS2 for a bit. I need more sleep (how????) and I need to wake up happy instead of panicking about the day ahead.

OP posts:

Alambil · 22/04/2008 18:55

You can get the control though NaB... talk to DS1, tell him you're going to change things from X date.

From X, he will get 3 chances - you will ask for something to be done, you will say 1. 2. 3. If it's not done by 3 - punishment happens (serious punishment).

DS gets 1 2 3 before a smack; he hasn't been smacked for coming up to 6 months now - he KNOWS that if I say 3 he will get one so he sorts himself out before it gets that far.

At 7, your DS will be able to accept this sudden change more than a little child and you'll just carry it on with the other kids then

To be honest, if DS goes out of my sight (even if it's round a corner when we are walking somewhere) then I stop, wait a good while and let HIM freak out. If he doesn't, I'll go to him and be mega cross - I don't do the whole "please DS, don't do that - it scared me." I do "DS. DO NOT do that EVER again. It is NAUGHTY"!!! Telling a child that a certain behaviour is naughty is NOT the same as saying they are themselves naughty - he will NOT get a complex about himself.

I really hope we (as MN together I mean) can figure this out with you... good luck!

Pitchounette · 22/04/2008 18:57

Message withdrawn

Original poster

NotABanana · 22/04/2008 19:02

If he won't walk with us I do walk off but he literally would stay where he is and be farther away from me than I would like especially given I can't trust him not to go in the road etc.

OP posts:

Alambil · 22/04/2008 19:26

What about the new warning thing - is that do-able?

Original poster

NotABanana · 22/04/2008 19:29

How old is your DS that you do the 1 2 3 with LewisFan? (My 2.10 year old has really started being shouty and defiant just lately too)

I could do the 1 2 3 for things I want done but what about what I want him to stop doing? The same?

OP posts:

cory · 22/04/2008 19:31

I'd take him cheerfully (faked through clenched teeth) by the hand and say briskly 'well, we're going now'.

On the whole, I am with the pick-your-battles brigade. Once you have told him something, then obviously you need to enforce it, but just by being a little patient/choosing how you ask him to do things, you can cut down on the number of chances he has of defying you.

I am not a great one for withdrawing privileges (my poor ds doesn't have a computer or any other electronic toys).
Instead, I tend to just laugh and say 'sorry, love, but I am in charge, you know'- and then take him. Physically, holding his hand and walking off, but without losing my temper (at least not outwardly). The kind of impression I am trying to convey is that I am so confident that I am going to win that I can't even be bothered to get angry. Yes, it's fake, but I'm working on my act . And he knows perfectly well that if I have to lose my temper, I am not afraid of that either.

I am also beginning to realise that my ds is getting to the age where he does need a certain level of independence. I am letting him walk part of the way to school, as we live in a quiet area and I have let him go to the newsagent (5 mins) to buy some sweeties. I am gradually trying to teach him to think of himself as a big boy. Am also teaching him to bake cakes.

Alambil · 22/04/2008 19:33

NaB he's 5 but I've been doing it since he was 2ish - since he started being naughty really.

Absolutely the same for things that want done and to stop - "Stop X, DS - it is dangerous (or whatever)... I said stop, that's 1....2....3..." punish.

Original poster

NotABanana · 22/04/2008 19:38

You guys are so brilliant.

I wish I knew what to do as well as you all do.

The teachers at one of my 12 schools I went to said I was very bright but had no common sense!

Actually, DS1 does respond to 1 2 3 even though it doesn't always work but when you are tired and worn down you forget what you are meant to be doing.

I did hold his hand but it was hard to keep hold and push the buggy plus he said I was hurting him which I certainly wasn't intended too.

Someone told me he is like this as I let him off with everything when he was 2.

OP posts:

Flip

1 2