Unsettled baby... Feeling like a failure

[VJ88]

My baby is such a fussy boy and I can't work out how to soothe him. He's always been difficult and had a really rough colicky patch at 8-11 weeks. He's now 17 weeks and is still such a grumpy/miserable baby. He cries so much and the only thing that soothes him a little bit is being held and sung to and bounced all day... My back is killing me and, frankly, I'm bored. The last wake window of the day is a nightmare. He screams from the second he wakes up from his last nap until the moment he goes to bed. I've tried everything - more day sleep, less day sleep, more entertainment, less entrainment, going outside, I'm just fed up and stuck and feeling like a total failure because I can't soothe my baby and I'm bored of trying at this point.

Sorry you are going through this OP, it's bloody tough. Could it be reflux? Or silent reflux? I think these things can build as the day goes on.
Do you find he's more unsettled when laid down or in car seat vs upright? If so I'd definitely say its reflux (caveat, I'm no doctor but a mum of 2)

Dd1 was similar and had reflux. Paediatric consultant advised solids at 17 weeks and she changed over night. She was a lovely toddler and the best 16 year old now. Hang in there!

Some babies are simply miserable little feckers, OP. This only changes once they can sit up/crawl and have a bit of independence. My eldest was an absolute horror and I still can't believe I had more. The last one was an absolute dream and barely ever cried. Hang in there, you're at the tough part and ignore what other babies are doing at this stage as that just makes it worse! It's not personal, you're the most important person in the world to him.

Thanks everyone. He does have some silent reflux symptoms but I'm not convinced, only because he sleeps fairly well in his crib overnight and can wake for a MOTN feed and go straight back to sleep quite happily. I can't wait to start weaning, though, in case that does make a difference...

Mine was like this, started giving her some baby rice at 17weeks and oh my god the difference it made in her! Give it a go, it might be that he is just hungry!

Sounds like reflux. They exhaust themselves by the end of the day!

I’d see a feeding consultant to rule out any issues

My LB is also 17 weeks, they're in the middle of a developmental leap at the moment one of the signs being increased fussiness. My previously easy baby is now difficult to settle, it's nothing you're doing it's just babies! I'm right there rocking with you, with and without baby.

Thanks! I'll look into it. Was your LO sitting up or anything when you started this? Our lad was slightly premature so his adjusted age is 13 weeks so I feel I ought to wait until he's 4 months adjusted at least.... We do offer expressed milk a bottle top ups to rule out hunger and he rarely takes it and mostly just screams at us for have the audacity to try...

Found this triggering OP. DD was like this as a baby, treated for reflux which did make a difference (we got ranitidine back in the day but I think its not given now?) but only Got a lot better when she was sitting up and even better when she was moving, so became a different baby at 4-5 months. She walked at 10 months and has been an absolute delight ever since. The toddler years were a breeze with that one. We joke that she just hated being a little baby

My DS was really similar - I also wasn’t convinced it was reflux as he’d do the same and sleep reasonably well at night. However, once he was on gaviscon, he improved a lot!!! The fussiness really reduced. It also improved again when he started solids- he was much easier to settle.

Then we hit teething and illness but they were so much easier to face without worrying about reflux on top. He’s 15 months now and still has really fussy times as I think he just hates being a baby and has always wanted to be independent. It got easier again when he could walk, but he is so frustrated at not being able to communicate so I can’t wait for him to start talking as he loves a whinge!

Hang on in there, it’s so tough but you aren’t alone and certainly not a failure.

This is really not advised at all, so the op should get medical advice first. Lots of risks with introducing solids this early.

Good luck! Our little one has always been cranky and fussy, it's just a sliding scale of how bad...

Are you under a consultant following premature birth? Have you seen your GP about the upset? Your baby is still very young at only 13w adjusted age.

Introducing solids early has many risks. For a baby that was premature it would be good to speak to a doctor about the specific risks. One of the bigger concerns is that filling the stomach with empty food like rice reduces the milk they drink which can obviously impact growth and development. Milk is a far better food than rice and very important for such a young baby.

Could be reflux, allergy or something else. But get advice before feeding early due to the risks.

Thanks, yes we saw a pediatrician at 11 weeks who also suspected reflux. We have tried keeping him upright more after feeds and that does seem to help a tiny bit but I really don't know if it's reflux or just the closeness of being held that does the trick (he's definitely a Velcro baby). I definitely won't introduce anything without talking to an infant feeding specialist first.

So far we are exclusively breast fed with expressed milk top up bottles offered. I'm tempted to switch those top ups to formula in case that helps fill him up.

FWIW he is only 3 days premature (36+4) but still I prefer to tread carefully and make sure he is physically eady.

I understand the massive desire to make it better, for you and for him, but switching to formula or introducing solids early may not achieve this.

Have you seen anyone else since the 11 week consultant appointment? If still under their care you can call for advice or ask for an appointment. Or see your GP.

If it is reflux, can any meds be prescribed?
Has anyone considered allergies?

I do understand it feels awful when they are so unsettled. Sometimes the answer is medical, sometimes just riding it out.

You are absolutely not a failure. Can you gently nudge that idea around, because how you feel emotionally is important? It's hard when a baby comes early, and it's hard when they're not content.

Does he like a sling? Can you get out anywhere? Just you mentioned being bored.

Yes the sling is the only place he seems settled so we do go out for lots of walks which is saving me, but I do find being attached to him all day quite hard. I wish he'd let me set him down for 10-15 mins during a wake window so I could have a small break

I find my GP totally useless and we've been discharged from pediatrics now but I might try to see our local feeding clinic first and then ask to be referred to peds again if I feel we need it.

Hi OP.

My DS, now 18 months, was the most miserable and high needs baby I have ever come across. It was absolutely relentless for the first 16 months if I'm honest. It was day in day out of crying (the first 8 months) or whining/moaning (the next 8 months) and I was seriously struggling for a long time.

I tried everything; paediatricians, omeprazole, colic stuff, CMPA milks, tongue tie cuts, osteopaths, more sleep, less sleep, early weaning... he just seemed to hate every living moment regardless of what I tried. He was so miserable that I never wanted to leave him with anyone as they just wouldn't stand a chance. The only thing he really liked was being walked around in the sling outside, and so I walked and walked and walked and walked 😂 I felt so confused as to why this had happed and why everyone else's babies seemed calm and settled. It's really hard.

Nothing helped. I kept waiting for the 'thing', or the milestone, that would fix it and there hasn't been one. But I can say in the last month or so he has seemed much 'lighter' and less tormented. Nursery even say he is a lovely happy boy, which is something I never expected! He now loves playing manically and laughing with his older sister. It is definitely finally changing!

I don't mean this to dissuade you, or take your hope of a 'fix', but to reassure you to keep going, and not feel too disheartened if none of the milestones bring that change you are seeking. It can be crushing when you set your hopes on sitting/weaning/crawling/sitting, and it just doesn't happen how you hope.

Keep on going OP, it won't be like this forever And if there's any karma, you will have a lovely easy toddler and not a threenager!

Oh God please don't say I've potentially got more than a year of this left to endure 😭😭 it's so hard. I guess I'm keen for weaning because at the moment he is exclusively bf and refuses the bottle, so once we've weaned there is a chance of me getting to spend some time away from him to recharge my own batteries. I feel so miserable at the moment and it makes me be a way worse parent than I'd like to be...

Well fitting sling for your back - he's probably big enough to go on your back rather than front now. Look up on your sling instructions!

I always thought of it as like when you go to a restaurant and one person will say, oh how lovely to be out, another will love the menu, someone else will complain about the draught or the table being sticky or be bothered by them not having mayonnaise or something. Some people and some babies are just harder to please.

In the evening, feed him then leg it around the block or go for a half pint at your local or meet a friend for coffee. Even if you can only get out for an hour, it's worth doing.

Noise cancelling headphones for when he cries. You're comforting him but you don't have to only hear that. Bit by bit, day by day he's growing and moving towards less crying. You'll get there.

@VJ88 well perhaps view me as a worst case scenario 😂
But I wanted to warn against getting too set on any particular milestone being your 'fix', because it's really crushing if it doesn't happen! I hope it does for you, of course.

My daughter was like this. By 17 weeks it was unbearable but we managed to get into see a paediatrician for another reason and she was on high dose omperazole and I started a dairy and soya free diet and we had a huge improvement. We eventually found 20 food allergies!
Unfortunately for us weaning did nothing and she's 4 now and still requires a lot of medication to manage her reflux and she hasn't outgrown her food allergies either. She's far from typical though.

I would go back to the drs and ask about a trial of omperazole

Have a look into cows milk protein allergy. See if symptoms line up. Worth a check

I tried cutting out cows milk a while ago and it didn't change anything, unfortunately! Was hoping that would be our silver bullet

3 days premature isn't a thing. 38 to 42 weeks is completely normal for full term.

Sorry you are having a hard time, my son was similar in the first few months, he may just need a lot of holding in the evenings.

I would get some medical advice but also just hang in there, some babies are very unsettled, it's not a test or competition, you just deal with how your baby is.