Desperate for some advice on how to deal with awful 4 yo DS and his behaviour

[rosyandjam]

Sorry this is a little long but I'd be very grateful if anyone could help..

My DS has just started school, he will be 5 in November.
He is totally ruining home life right now, DH seems totally withdrawn and like he's given up, and I just end up shouting every day multiple times because I have tried every other avenue to improve his behaviour but nothing is helping him.

He has always been a real handful for us but right now he is horrendous. He argues with everything we say, if I said the sky is blue he would say "no it isn't!" In a really unpleasant voice. He has serious jealousy issues with his young sister (who is the words easiest child and I think that makes him seem even worse), he is frantic and can't sit still, he doesn't stop talking. Ever. He can't speak quietly. He won't sit and do anything for longer than 2 minutes. He is extremely proud about everything, if he can't do something like write the number 3, he will fly off the handle and have a mini tantrum and blame us for him not being able to do it. He will say things like "I'm fed up of this!" And he called DH a fucker the other day (where he got that from I don't know, maybe school).

He is awful from the moment he wakes up, trying to dictate everything everyone does, if his sister tries to grab one of her toys he will run to get in the way, or snatch it out of her hands, he is quite honestly awful company to be around.

DH and I have tried the gentle approach, the firmer approach, we've tried mimicking his moany voice, or his horrible voice, we've tried ignoring him, we've tried time outs, we've tried reward charts, weve tried humour we've tried telling him off, we've tried EVERYTHING.

He seems to be okay at school, and he was fine at nursery as no one ever raised any issues, but I am seriously starting to feel depressed about how we cannot seem to change and improve him. And the worst thing is that I just wish he was a happy little boy and it really saddens me that he seems to miserable at home.
I would love nothing more than a happy, loving relationship with him but it feels impossible right now. I wonder if this is just the person he is!

Any advice would be really really welcome!

There are lots of good tactics mentioned here but the first change needs to come from your strategy - as others have mentioned. Understand your child. Openly love your child. Sorry to sound harsh but you really sound like you're not attempting to put yourself in his shoes. ND or NT is barely relevant given your attitude. Your expectations of him are very high given age, environment, stressors, parental attitude towards him.

He probably feels like he is an awful human. Wondering what is wrong with him all the time and why his sister is so loved in comparison. You're creating that by being stressy and upright yourself - and also chopping and changing between loads of awful approaches. Mimicking?! Do you respond well to people being nasty to you? Just think about it.

Help him consistently and calmly - easier said than done sometimes but if you expect him to sort his feelings out, you need to show that it is possible yourself. You can't change your approach week to week. Model the behaviour you want from him. Eg. Do you want him to mimick you?! I highly recommend reading How To Talk So Kids Will Listen.

Good luck and remember your children (plural) need your love above all else.

Also rather than praising him "when he does things well", try praising him and thanking him for good human intentions such as "thank you for picking up X's toy for her, you're such a kind / thoughtful boy". Or "thank you for that lovely cuddle, I love you". Praise effort and intention over outcome. Give love and reassurance even when it's hard for you. Please remember you are the adult here and this is your responsibility, your post reads like it's your son's responsibility to be better.

Tell him he is these POSITIVE things and he will start to believe them and naturally this will calm and reassure him over time.

OP unless you're a fly on the wall of other peoples homes then you don't know what' "other children" are like as you're only seeing them in public environments. Stop comparing and start focussing on your world.

Agree with pp that this is utterly normal and typical of most 4 year olds in the run up to starting school and for the first half term at least. Doesn't sound like a learning need to me. Problems at school drop off and emotional deregulation at home plus sleeping problems all very typical.

Read that recommended book and try Why Love Matters as well.

He is frightened with so much change and responsibility. They go from babies to needing to line up, be quiet and conform so fast. It's such a lot for a little person to manage, and it sounds like he's doing tremendously well holding it all together at school, so he deserves acknowledging of that.

He needs more from you. More love, more cuddles, more listening, more praise, more affection, more attention, more recognition, more stability. Not mimicking, humiliating, ignoring and shouting. Where has he learned the phrase "I'm fed up with this?"

I know you're only human and frustration at times is understandable but please check your language as a pp has said - you are labelling him and not his behaviour and he is learning from you that there is something wrong with him. There isn't.

This requires all the patience you can summon up. If you need to arrange extra childcare for your youngest so you can make time to rejuvenate yourself and spend quality time with your son then do it.

Tell him stories about when you were little and felt nervous / unsure / new at school. Reassure him. Yes have boundaries over hitting etc but try not to blame him or label him. He's managing a lot and not getting the support he needs at home. He is 4. He doesn't know how else to react.

All this screams of trying to get your attention because of his younger sister to me.

I agree with the person who said that it could be down to his sister getting more attention that's positive, and acting out as a way to get any attention from you.

I would try low demand and love bombing. He is very tiny and he has just started school so is probably exhausted. I would cut back on things he had to do and extra activities to give him plenty of time to decompress and then I would catch him being good - anything tiny he does well praise him to the skies. Also make sure he has the security of a really solid routine, with set mealtimes, bedtime routine etc. if he is nd the familiarity will help him, even if he isn’t clear expectations are good. Sounds trivial but make sure he is eating enough and sleeping enough to be his best self.

My older one had some awful behaviour when he was about 3.5-4, such as hitting his baby brother. In the fog of sleep deprivation I was quite horrified and struggled to know what to do but with hindsight it was clearly attention seeking because of the baby. He never behaved like that anywhere else. Making a massive fuss of the baby as if he'd really hurt him and ignoring him briefly worked much better than lecturing him about why it was wrong to hit. (As well as never leaving them alone together just in case). Alongside trying to fit in more positive 1:1 attention when baby was napping/in bed/with husband. We had a specific time called 'big brother time' where he could choose something for me and him to do together without the baby. Nothing big, just drawing for ten minutes or something and it sounds a bit cheesy but giving it a name really seemed to appeal to him and make it more special.

It passed and he's now really kind and lovely with younger children and mostly quite civilized, though we are starting the tweenager strops and sulks now so that's fun! (And I'm having to have similar discussions with myself that he's still only young and has a lot going on with secondary looming).

At 4 I remember the older one looks so grown up next to a younger sibling but as others have said 4 is still very little. It's hard to see that sometimes though when you're in the middle of it.
Try to look after yourself, not easy I know when juggling work and two little ones. Is there anything you really enjoy doing that you could do with him?
Do you get any time to yourself?

I was thinking about this some more and I do think a new sibling can contribute to this kind of behaviour. My poor eldest had two new siblings by the time he was four and although he adored them (especially the middle one) there was a RAGE in him that made him unbearable at times. Coupled with the pandemic when he was starting primary school and we had a really terrible period of about 18 months.

Its such a hard time of transitions - they are the 'big brother' and the 'big boy' going off to school, but they are still babies themselves really and all their routines and their place in the family are topsy turvy. Some kids cope with this stuff very well and it's other things that trigger problems, for example my middle child wasn't phased by a new baby or by starting school, but I spent four days in hospital at the end of last year (for a planned surgery, nothing life and death) and he was a wreck - not angry but wouldn't go to school, wailing like a baby for weeks afterwards etc etc. Little kids just can't rationalise things that we see as normal or even positive in the same way that adults can. And their anxiety doesn't look like ours either, it can look like out and out bad behaviour a lot of the time. He cant tell you how he really feels because he doesn't have the name for it, but his behaviour is telling a story.

You can't go far wrong with lovebombing, lots of praise for anything positive (or not negative), lots of affection, lots of attention. Not saying you actively ignore the baby, but make him your priority just now because he is the 'squeaky wheel' and she is doing ok. That will change at some point but for now building a foundation where he feels secure and safe is what you all need.

OP, I think you and your DH need parenting classes. I’m not sure how it works in the UK but where I am you can get referred by your health visitor. This is not a criticism, it’s just that different parenting styles are needed for different children. It will give you strategies to use to calm things down and to prevent the escalation in the first place.

Children are often well behaved all day in school and nursery and then they let go in their safe space - home, and it is often hard for parents to accept, but this id a sign that they feel safe at home with you.