SAHM what do you do all day??

[Iwant2befree]

Ok so forgive the vile title , trying to get some traction and feedback on my post. For the record SAHM are absolutely the back bone of the family and IMO highly under appreciated!

I need some serious feedback please …. For context

I work FT , partner is in and out of seasonal work. They had an injury that prevents from doing their craft but otherwise fit and well. Work are providing a salary until they return.

afterschool childcare : has over time had various set ups when both working but effectively 9-5 childcare between school and childminder.

however now while partner at home full time.

• Partners sister take them 2 afternoons per week

Prior to partner being unfit to work I had afterschool and my sister. The afterschool closed and we find it’s leaves without childcare outside of my sister .

technically partner is at home and can do it BUT I’m getting a lot of resentment and push back. I have always paid for the childcare historically . Now that’s it’s landing on partner they are annoyed , stressed and feel like they are taking on all child raising responsibility because now they are not working the child chores are not split 50/50 .

i contribute financially and certainly the time outside of work I pull my weight. The “problem” is the hours that we both spend with the kids is not equal (because I am working in my job when they need collecting from school / dinner etc) I usually finish between 5-6pm

partner feels overwhelmed and bored with school pick ups 3 days per week , in the house outside of general jobs like bins / gardening , doesn’t focus on practical things such as hoovering / laundry etc.

I pay for a cleaner once a fortnight and don’t know what or how to ask if your at home could you look after one or 2 things without causing an argument.

it’s so draining , I don’t expect all housework to be done etc but their overall contribution is actually very small , but they will argue it’s not because he has much more “child” hours than I do !!

for reference I help in the morning lunches / getting ready etc. I can rarely drop / collect but do when I can .

What is reasonable to expect of
someone who is full time at home in terms of childcare / house tasks ?

thank you for any guidance I’m driving myself nuts!

Why would the hours you spend looking after the kids be equal when one of you is working and one not? Of course your partner should pull their weight.

I work less hours than my partner and can wfh so I'm around for kids in the morning and evening. I have one day off a week so I get the cleaning done on that day. That's absolutely fair because he's working during those times and we're a team. Weekends we split chores and responsibilities eg taking kids to clubs.

If your partner needs time to job hunt that absolutely should be factored in, but otherwise they should be pulling their weight to enable you to both have fair leisure time away from chores.

I’m a SAHM and admittedly I do very little housework when my husband is at work and we mostly split it 50/50 when he’s at home. This is because my son is a toddler though and will not entertain himself for 5 minutes to let me get anything done. If he was at school it would be different and I would expect to be doing the vast majority of the housework myself if I was still a SAHM at that point.

I was home stay for many years, tbh never knew that flexible school hours jobs exist. I volunteered, did crafts courses, roamed town, went to church, had drives with my husband who is very part time and so on

Few times we even did miniature day trips to the seaside - both employed, how we do that, God knows - these magical 6 h

I am a SAHM by choice, on behalf of both me and my husband initially because we both wanted me to be there for our child.

Now school days are long (9hrs) I spend a lot of my time being bored ie there is definitely time to do household jobs as well as get children to school.

I don't like doing housework (who does?!?) and we go through spells of having a cleaner but I can't really moan about having to clean etc. My husband is at work paying for our lifestyles so I feel that I need to use at least some of those hours that he is at work managing our household, getting involved with school things, supporting child and cleaning. Moaning about doing my share to contribute to our lives isn't on and it is not something I would stand for.

In short, IMO, it needs to be a balance and in a normal domestic set up the hours/effort put in by one partner, be it at work, child care, cleaning, night feeds, whatever, should be balanced between the two

I study part time with the OU and do housework. And loads of admin jobs. Two out of four children have additional needs. I am never bored!

Currently learning Spanish via a language app via library membership. And have an Audible subscription, listen to a chapter every day. Also a carer for one of my DC.

Been a SAHM for almost 18 years.

If the children are school age he should be doing almost all of the housework, leaving very little for the weekends. All you should be doing is tidying up after yourself and a couple of token jobs at the weekend.

This is assuming his injury isn't such that he isn't capable.

Are they his kids?

Would you be better off getting CMS and not having him there? Suggest that.

I was a SAHM for a good few years, including some periods when my children were at school. I spent my time on: housework, admin, volunteering, helping at school with reading, and helping occasionally at Brownies and Cubs, shopping and cooking, baking/playing with the kids after school and taking them to various activities, play dates, parties etc. I was happy to do all housework, cleaning and cooking during those times as my H was working FT and I wasn’t doing any paid work (or very little).

I also found time to go to the gym and meet friends for coffee or lunch. DH didn’t resent that (nor funding it) because I was doing everything at home, plus he sometimes got a few perks during his working week, as he worked in the sort of environment where he could pop to the gym for an hour, or go for a long boozy lunch with a client! So it worked for us, with the circumstances we were in.

Our kids are older teens now. DH works for himself and is still the breadwinner. I work a lot more hours now though and contribute financially to the household so house/life stuff is shared a bit more equally now, though I still cook because I’m better at it!

I have a nearly 4 year old who is at pre school for about 13 hours a week.

I do all the housework, shopping, cooking, washing, ironing, any admin etc. My husband does the garden over the summer and does bath and bedtimes.

It's easy to do, I feel very lucky. Also have 2 full days and 3 afternoons with my son so always busy. It's non stop for 12 hours each day.

Thanks for the replies

For context hours with kids are

9-9.30 x 5 days drop off
3-5.30pm x 3 days

so 2 days a week between 9.30-5pm all “free” time

When I work from home I do chores like dishwasher , washing machine , clearing dinner , making dinner for kids etc life admin is split about 50-50.

I work hard but good hours mostly 9-.5.30 I work flat out and take minimal breaks so I can be “home” but I’m burnt out from the constant juggle. I come home the breakfast from the morning may or may not be cleared up , dishwasher full . I then get straight into house and kids tasks .

my job also pays double his income, it’s always been like this so naturally I contribute a lot more financially for day to day expenses and my salary tops up the nice to haves .

im so frustrated at the amount of help my partner gets , but they refuse to see it and still moan that they are doing all the kid work. I rarely get an hour to myself never mind 2 full days a week child free . They are biological kids .

We've always worked it on equal free time. So if he has loads more free time when the kids are at school and he's not working, he should be filling it with chores that need to be done. And if course he shouldn't be needing childcare after school! I'd cancel the cleaner too.

I bet he wouldn't be happy for you to not work and not pick up any extra house tasks or childcare.

I don't think how much you earn has any relevance at all. But the time you have at work should be balanced by the amount of time he spends doing house stuff or childcare.

He's one step away from cocklodger.

When I work from home I do chores like dishwasher , washing machine , clearing dinner , making dinner for kids etc life admin is split about 50-50.

He's taking the piss.

Why are you trying so hard to leave his pronouns out? You left in a "he" in the original post so we know he's male.

Sounds like a lazy sod. I do most of the housework and look after a toddler whilst doing the school runs. I would get rid.

I think it depends on why partner is off! It sounds like he is I'll in some way? And therefore do they need some time to recuperate?

Did he want kids?

I have been a sahm for a few years now. I do all housework, prepare all meals in the week. Do the shopping, appointment making, school runs etc etc. I see this as 'my job' if you will. We have 3dc.
I now homeschool my youngest child and we go out most days for some kind of activity. And we do reading/number work etc for 2 hours.
I still do all the above chores and am more than happy to!

Evenings when partner comes home he will load dishwasher after tea, clean kitchen down, make his lunch for the day after and if dcs want him to do bedtime he happily will do it.
Weekends when partner isnt working chores are split 50/50 as is all childcare- because he WANTS to be part of raising his family.

Providing there is no MH etc going on. Your DH sounds entitled and lazy. And I'd be telling him so.

I was a sahp when ds was a toddler. I did playgroups/entertained ds.

Cooking/pots/laundry were my responsibility as was general tidying and bathrooms. Dh did bedtime on a night. At weekends we split childcare/housework/rest time 50/50.

Now ds is at school and I work 3 days a week we still have a similar routine although on days I'm working dh will pick up slack if needed

Im a sahm for two primary school aged children who have autism. They get DLA and I get carers allowance. I was working but had to stop to give them better care and make family life easier for us all. My husband still works full time. We have between 2 and 4 medical/therapy type appointments a month.

In a day (9.30-3pm)

Walk the dog and care for other pets (1hr)
Housework (30 mins)
Laundry (30 mins)
Admin (1hr-admittedly the children's needs always require extra paper work/calling professionals etc).
Food prep for dinner and the packed lunches
Pop to the shops/sell on Vinted
Gym 3x pw.
Counselling.
I try to get a coffee with a friend or something nice like that once a week.

When my husband is about he may pop a wash on but he doesn't do anything else. Admittedly we made this move so one of us could focus solely on job and one solely on home and children. Our children have high needs and life is very challenging...we have both started antidepressants to cope with our circumstances. Me being a SAHM was never on our radar but you have to adapt to what life throws at you.

If your partner finds being at home with small children boring and frustrating, why can't he look for a job that isn't 'seasonal' and pay for more help in the house?

Honestly, as a long term sahm being bored is just part of it and you just have to get on with it. I don't think anyone out there enjoys every aspect of their job, there will be times when there are boring meetings or doing tasks you don't like.

Having said that you can stick one ear bud in and listen to music, radio shows, podcasts whilst you do all the drudge housework. Ds1 went to nursery one day a week when he was a toddler and that gave me time to put everything to right in the house and I have a disability. Your Dh gets two days with no children at home. Think what you would expect a cleaner to get through in that time.

I saw being a sahm as my job. I had a laundry schedule so all laundry was done during school hours, Mon-Fri, I meal planned and batch cooked making dinners easier on days with clubs etc. You prioritise the things that lead to the most mess so dishwasher unpacked first thing after preparing breakfast so those breakfast plates/bowls are off the worktop. If you don't have a dishwasher then make breakfast, fill the sink ready to go. It isn't rocket science. It is sheer laziness not to clean up after breakfast. We just allowed time in the morning routine. You can load the washing machine the night before and probably set it to finish at 7.30am or whatever and then get the first load into the tumble dryer in this weather. Laundry put away, floor hoovered. If he actually timed himself hoovering the lounge or whatever he would find it takes less time than he thinks.

At one point I was volunteering too but by then I had my routine honed and two children in school for school hours.

"Me being a SAHM was never on our radar but you have to adapt to what life throws at you" well said @Sticklebrrick me being diagnosed with a life changing illness that saw me give up work in my early 30s wasn't on mine but I made the most of it as did Dh, we made it work between us.

What's the point of him?

You could pay for the TINY amount of childcare he does for less than the cost of running him, men add a lot to bills!