SAHM what do you do all day??

[Iwant2befree]

Ok so forgive the vile title , trying to get some traction and feedback on my post. For the record SAHM are absolutely the back bone of the family and IMO highly under appreciated!

I need some serious feedback please …. For context

I work FT , partner is in and out of seasonal work. They had an injury that prevents from doing their craft but otherwise fit and well. Work are providing a salary until they return.

afterschool childcare : has over time had various set ups when both working but effectively 9-5 childcare between school and childminder.

however now while partner at home full time.

• Partners sister take them 2 afternoons per week

Prior to partner being unfit to work I had afterschool and my sister. The afterschool closed and we find it’s leaves without childcare outside of my sister .

technically partner is at home and can do it BUT I’m getting a lot of resentment and push back. I have always paid for the childcare historically . Now that’s it’s landing on partner they are annoyed , stressed and feel like they are taking on all child raising responsibility because now they are not working the child chores are not split 50/50 .

i contribute financially and certainly the time outside of work I pull my weight. The “problem” is the hours that we both spend with the kids is not equal (because I am working in my job when they need collecting from school / dinner etc) I usually finish between 5-6pm

partner feels overwhelmed and bored with school pick ups 3 days per week , in the house outside of general jobs like bins / gardening , doesn’t focus on practical things such as hoovering / laundry etc.

I pay for a cleaner once a fortnight and don’t know what or how to ask if your at home could you look after one or 2 things without causing an argument.

it’s so draining , I don’t expect all housework to be done etc but their overall contribution is actually very small , but they will argue it’s not because he has much more “child” hours than I do !!

for reference I help in the morning lunches / getting ready etc. I can rarely drop / collect but do when I can .

What is reasonable to expect of
someone who is full time at home in terms of childcare / house tasks ?

thank you for any guidance I’m driving myself nuts!

I have never been a SAHP except when on maternity leave and I had almost a year off.

I did almost everything and also took a part time course, I do get bored very easily though and I’m someone who can do things quickly. Was raised to help from a very tender age. Laziness is frowned on hugely in my Fathers culture, they will just call you out as well none of this pandering round peoples feelings stuff.

Not technically a sahm but....

We both get the kids ready for school. Then today I will give the kitchen a quick clean, hoover, do a load of laundry, tidy up toys etc and change the kids beds. I'm also going to go to the gym briefly for 30 / 45 mins. Then I'm going to pick the kids up from school, spend some time with them and then go to work at 6pm until 11pm. Dp finishes work at 5pm and will do dinner and bed time. Your other half sounds a bit lazy tbh, unless it's the injury is making him struggle. He has kids and isn't working, what does he expect to happen?

Im currently the SAHP (not for long hopefully) . I’m doing absolutely everything at home as it’s only fair with a partner that earns and works long hours. I’d be embarrassed not to be doing my share.

it’s so draining , I don’t expect all housework to be done etc

Why not?

We both work FT now but over the years there have been various times when one of us has been off work for a decent chunk of time - sabbatical for 4 months, sick leave for 3 months (but physically fine, H&S thing due to role), in between contracts for 4 months etc.

When one of us is off work, that persons job is the house, gardens, ferrying kids etc. Because you have all day to do it.

If dh was off work right now and not sick, no pre-school dc etc, no way would I expect to finish work then clean or be doing laundry at the weekends. I would expect 100% of it to be done by him.

He should be doing almost everything. With 2 school aged children there's really no excuse. I'm a SAHM, I have a 2yo and an extra 8mo twice a week, DH does nothing more than help with dinner clean up most days. It's seriously easy to manage a house without small children following you around.

Take the injury out of the equation.
If he doesn't want to/can't have a FT regular job, then when he's not working he has to pick up the home duties - that's kinda the deal.
If however, he worked similar hours to you, then you come to a different deal as to how childcare and home chores are split.
I think you have to push back - don't come in and start clearing up etc. If he knows you're going to do it, then he's getting away with the shitty behaviour.
Obviously you have to do things for you and the children but withdraw from doing anything for him.
It's obviously very complex and he maybe suffering depression or feel inadequate if you have a higher salary. He maybe sort of punishing you.
But the set up isn't working for you, so something has to change!

This is the sort of wanker husband I had when I was bringing up kids.
No teamwork.
After-school care is not cheap he's an arsehole if he thinks it preferable that you pay that because he can't be bothered to collect the kids from school, make their tea, spend time with them get in the 21st century you fuckwit neanderthal.

He’s being a lazy fucker I’m afraid. My kids have just gone in to preschool full time and I clean the whole house (once you’re on top of it it’s not hard to do), sort out laundry, do the dinner prep/any shopping, make family plans for the weekend, household admin and I still manage to fit in a run and chilling with some crap tv in those 5 hours of freedom a day. Picking up the kids is the highlight of my day tbh.

If you are a SAHP your job is literally to be on call for childcare during your partners working hours. Cleaning and domestic stuff is obviously boring as fuck but so are lots of jobs so I literally treat it as a job and blitz it first thing after drop off so I can have some time to myself.

I've got a lot of kids in the house that create a lot of mess so I spend a few hours a day trying to get things to a clean state. I usually prepare that night's dinner. I walk the dog, get uniforms ready for the next day, do top up food shops. I am a respite foster carer so some days and nights out the week I have a young baby to stay. I sort out the " life admin, things like sorting school and dentist appointments,
When my husband gets home he will help me tidy up any mess the kids have made and do dishes, put bins out, but I do most of it. It's tedious but I'm the one at home, so it feels fair to me. And I make sure I get at least an hour out of the day to relax.

He’s lazy AF.

Retired now but did everything. Large family home and gardens to renovate (mostly single-handed) and maintain. Two children with 9 year age gap, cats, dogs, rabbits, guinea pigs, fish 😁 Husband worked away all week for many years so I took in overseas 6th form students who studied at our local college for some years for income, Honestly, they were harder work than the kids!
Very rarely had a spare moment. Because of circumstances and need for stability of one parent always being around, being at home was more of a necessity than a choice.
I mostly enjoyed it though being apart from my husband/their dad so much was tough for all of us.