DH falls asleep every time he holds the baby

[DHsleepQn]

DH has always been one of those people who can fall asleep at the drop of a hat. Anywhere, any time, he can take 40 winks.

We have recently had a baby; I am EBF and DH is doing everything around the house. I seriously can’t fault him. We’re also both sleep deprived as baby won’t be put down to sleep so we’re just running on empty at the moment. We started co-sleeping a couple of nights ago which looks as though it might help.

Anyway, the problem is that whenever DH holds the baby, at any time of the day, he will nod off within minutes. It doesn’t matter if it’s 12pm, telly on and bright sunshine outside. We could even be having a conversation then a minute after it finishes he’s asleep.

I can tell he’s getting frustrated that it always seems to be me holding the baby but the thing is I can’t trust him to hold the baby and not fall asleep. I’d love to go for a nap for example but I just know he’d fall asleep. He says he’ll stay awake by watching something interesting on TV for example but he will still fall asleep.

What can we do?

I used to eat pretty much constantly if I needed to stay awake and was extremely tired - a packet of biscuits, bag of M&Ms, crisps, bread, fruit etc. I figured so long as I was eating, I wasn't sleeping.

You might have to make him only hold the baby when standing up and walking around - this is a serious safety issue otherwise! Otherwise he'll have to put the baby safely in a moses basket if he's looking after them solo, or only hold him when you're there too.

We always had a suitable place to set the baby down in the TV room in case this happens - one of those prams with a detachable cot.

If you can manage to stay awake with baby then so can he;I'm betting he doesn't fall asleep at work or out with his friends does he?

It's weaponised incompetence;if you can't trust him to look after baby solo then you won't ask him to anymore.

use a sling?
https://www.rospa.com/policy/home-safety/advice/product/baby-slings

It's selfish - he can stand up for starters - go to the window, make the room colder, take a layer off, have a coffee - he is allowing himself to go to sleep! Does he fall asleep driving? In the pub? On the toilet? No, exactly!

This is the beginning of deliberate incompetence "oh i can't hold the baby, I always fall asleep, you'll have to do it".

He can take the baby on 2 hour walks in the pram, while you sleep. Then you switch. Really, he should be well rested. What’s he doing all night when you are up feeding the baby? Dh and I always did the early weeks in shifts. He got 7pm-1am, bringing baby to me around 10pm for a feed. He’d walk around the lounge with baby in sling watching films. Then we’d switch and he’d sleep 1-6am.

cattle prod?

This.

Mine did this. Never did a night feed because of it (FF), always said he'd stand up or walk around with him and still ended up lying down, fast asleep with baby on him. I nearly packed up and left twice.

Partner has just had a sleep trial (he also has horrific snoring that keeps me awake from a seperate room) and possibly has sleep apnea which can actually be a real reason for being rubbish at staying awake, not just incompetence, so all I can suggest is maybe get his sleep looked into?

I'd suggested for many years that my partner did but he refused until now and now we're just living with me full of resentment for him putting my baby at risk (6 months old now) because it was easier (doesn't like going drs) and more comfortable (standing up hurts my baaaack) for him not to try. It will properly effect your relationship if he can't pull himself together. Good luck x

It really isn’t weaponised incompetence. Please re-read my OP. He has been like this since we met, he’ll nod off in the cinema, on the train, when we’re with family. If he gets comfortable and he’s tired, then he’ll fall asleep.

He is besotted with our little one and desperately wants to hold him more. He is doing everything keeping the house going, and I am already worried about how I’ll cope once he goes back to work!

@DHsleepQn right, so you know best and everything will stay as it is. Gold luck!
In reality does he drive? Does he fall asleep in a restaurant? If no, then the answer is clear - he stops have snuggly cosy cuddle time on the sofa with baby and goes for a long walk to enable you to rest. If you stick with "He's an amazign dad and cannot help it" then you need to never let him hold the baby, even for a minute when you are out of the room because it is a HUGE safety risk.
It's up to you

God I hate MN sometimes. He sounds like a good decent man who has always been like this. Sometimes I'll be absolutely fine, but the moment I cuddle up to DP I'm off. It's because of the safety and security and love I feel there, I suspect he is the same.
I would be another one asking about sleep apnea - it would be worth him asking for an assessment with his level of tiredness.

He needs strategies to stay awake, then. Whether it is taking the baby out in a pram, holding baby whilst standing up, putting baby in a bouncy chair or Moses basket on the kitchen floor whilst he tidies up and sings to baby.

right, so you know best and everything will stay as it is. Good luck! In reality does he drive? Does he fall asleep in a restaurant?

No - because he’s not “TIRED AND COMFORTABLE” when he’s driving, is he?

Some people really are vile on here, aren’t they? Saying I know best? Why the snark? Well done on making an eight day post-partum mum cry @user47, I really hope it’s made you feel better.

@DHsleepQn if you're so exhausted that my comment made you cry please get someone to watch the baby and get some sleep.
The entire point, being made by everyone on this thread is that he needs to NOT get tired and comfortable. He needs to take responsibility for the issue he has and deal with it by being uncomfortable when he holds the baby. If you cannot do this, I would get someone else round to help you get some rest. No one is being nasty, I was a nanny for 17 years and know how sleepy cuddling a new born is, but if he is to help you, he needs to deal with it.

But isn’t that the incompetence bit? That he needs to NOT get comfortable at certain times whilst in solo charge of the baby. Going for a walk etc are perfect suggestions. Saying he can’t help it might be true, but this needs to become a situation where he DOES help it, same as with driving etc.

Also I would say he doesn’t fall asleep whilst driving as he knows that would kill. Falling asleep with a baby can also kill. He just clearly doesn’t feel that both are equally as dangerous.

Both of you are sleep deprived, you more so than him as you're ebf, yet you manage to stay awake while holding your baby when he seemingly cannot. I doubt he has a sleep issue other than newborn related sleep deprivation.
As others have said, he needs to take responsibility for this and do anything he can to stay awake while he has care of the baby. Long walks or drives, maybe any time of day or night. Or he could put the baby in a moses basket or carry cot next to him. Maybe the baby will actually sleep, which will benefit you both, not having to cuddle to sleep.
If he can't/won't do anything differently and continues to fall asleep while holding the baby, then you'll have to take sole responsibility, or find someone else to help (maybe threaten to do that to get him to step up). That is a sure fire way for resentment to build. It's almost too late already because you don't trust him to be alone with her.
He may at the moment seem to be a great dad and partner, but believe me, if that's what happens, in a few months you'll start to think what is the point of him?

@DHsleepQn I'm sorry if my post was one of the unhelpful ones, but seriously if he's always been like this like my DP is ask him to go to drs and see if they'll do a sleep study. Falling asleep like that isn't normal and it's worth seeing if there's something else causing it other than being very tired x

Mine was like this. He has always been able to sleep anytime anywhere. I always forced myself to stay awake to make sure the baby was safe. I did resent it somewhat as I was absolutely knackered and would have loved to nap too but I did love seeing her sleep on him too.

In the meantime what is OP meant to do? By the time he is referred (would he even be referred while he has such a clear cause of sleep issues at home in the form of a newborn baby?) and a study carried out the baby will be a lot older, probably sleeping better, and OP may well have such deep resentment for her partner that it could change their relationship forever.

Keep a Moses basket in the front room with you both and put baby in there. you can be close by and you can still chat and do housework, baby can still hear you.
it’s much safer- Co sleeping is very dangerous so I would avoid this.

Same here - I was on hot alert when my DH held our tiny baby as he would fall asleep! Meant that I didn't get a rest at all! We worked it out eventually - by moving in her cot (she had horrible reflux and hernia surgery at 6wks so yeah - cuddles were all she would have as she has a shitty start - but I needed my sleep too!). Early days are tough - one day at a time!