Does life after 3 get better?

[howifeel]

Feeling a bit down today.

Three year old is horrible. Was horrible at the start of the year then it settled down and now back to being horrible. Speaks to me and dad like shit, doesn’t listen, rude.

Not like this outside of the home.

I am just wondering if there’s any hope on the horizon or are we destined to have a mini general Franco rule the roost for the next however many years?

What are the consequences for speaking to you like that?

three years old or three children?
one three year old child should not be that hard to instill kindness and politeness in. what are the consequences of poor behavior?

Give me one that works and is remotely effective 😭

Just does not give a hoot for anything. I really feel lost and losing confidence in myself as a parent.

(three years old.)

@howifeel

What have you tried? What is important to him? When does he speak to you like this? When does he not speak to you like this?

I don't respond at all to a shitty tone other than to say that I couldn't possibly understand them when they talk like that.

It helps that I'm supremely stubborn and would quite happily spend 45 minutes repeating that statement until child gets the point.

It definitely isn’t all of the time. It’s mostly over screen time so no surprises there. So if he’s watching something on YouTube and an advert comes on he’ll scream TURN IT BACK ON.

It gets easier in the sense that you don’t have to watch them constantly to make sure they don’t kill themselves, but I’m afraid to say, in terms of behaviour, it gets more challenging. My 11 year old, who is generally good as gold for everyone, tests my sanity way more now than at 3. I think you need to get a handle on this now and quickly. A 3 year old will be learning vile behaviour from somewhere. Where is it coming from? I’d start there with fixing the problem.

I agree with this. Nothing nice happens for my son if he speaks to me rudely. I'm also incredibly stubborn.

Age 3 was harder than age 2 for us with my eldest so sending hugs! Youngest is currently 2 and can be quite a challenge so desperately hoping he's not worse at 3!

If screen time brings out poor behaviour then I wouldn't give screen time. I know that'd easier said than done!

I know @lochmaree and it’s definitely certain programmes I’m trying to ban but have to say DH isn’t being enormously helpful in this respect so I’m saying no and DH is saying yes which I fear is worse than just a straightforward yes or no!

@howifeel

It definitely isn’t all of the time. It’s mostly over screen time so no surprises there. So if he’s watching something on YouTube and an advert comes on he’ll scream TURN IT BACK ON

My son is 3. I'd ban YouTube etc for a start. He's young enough. Just vanish it completely from your lives and never mention it again.

Mine’s just turned four but I found grey rocking the best way of dealing with it and staying sane. We still get a bit of this now but she knows it’s not worth it because it doesn’t get what she wants, or indeed loads of attention.

I’d gladly do so @Yourethebeerthief but dh won’t … Grey rocking isn’t effective as he just ramps behaviour up to a level you CAN’T ignore so not ideal!

You need a serious chat with your husband then as his way is leading to nasty behaviour and your way hasn't been tried. I'd get shot of YouTube and see if it improves behaviour in 2 months time. If it does, YouTube stays gone.

3 year old on YouTube and you don't know where your going wrong?

Come on op your not that naive.

Ban YouTube

He will have to have Netflix of Disney or BBc iplayer and that be the end of it.

Only allow a certain time a day/week for tv.

Some kids can watch screens and when they are told that's enough they are fine with it others are not. Clearly yours isn't ok with not having his way.

You are the parent so parent him not the other way around.

Answer to your question: yes it does get better after 3, when they can articulate their feelings more.

Real issue: take YouTube kids away. My DD (now 5) was introduced to YT Kids when we were with friends and then that's all she wanted to watch. It's absolute drivel. Netflix, BBC IPlayer etc. all have far better kids' content.

Earlier this year I told DD that unfortunately YT kids had been lost from the iPad and we couldn't get it back. Took about 5 days and she stopped asking. Now we're back to Topsy & Tim and Waffle the Wonderdog.

He doesn’t actually have a lot of screen time at all. You say ‘on YouTube’ but he isn’t ‘on’ YouTube, it’s on the TV; he isn’t accessing it through an iPad or phone. And to be fair he has been ‘on’ it before with no untoward effects.

In any case, given my way id only have CBeebies or whatever but that doesn’t appear to be happening.

It is drivel, I agree … I hate it.

So turn YouTube off. Literally the minute he screams it turns off.

He throws a toy he loses the toy.

It's about natural consequences and consistent follow through which will in the short term make things worse, but otherwise you're going to have a battle when you try and introduce discipline later.

Ok you have to set boundaries with him then.

My child also watches some things from YouTube streamed to our projector because we don't have a tv. No adverts as it's things we've purchased.

If he shouted at me over it I would say "you can find a way to speak nicer to me or I will switch the programme off altogether." If he again spoke rudely the programme would be switched off in an instant and any tantrumming over this would be roundly ignored. Once calm I would ask him why I switched the programme off and he would explain. I would then expect an apology and would tell him "thank you for saying sorry. I am not putting the programme on again today but we can try again tomorrow."

The next day I would praise him within two minutes of the programme being on. "You're being so quiet watching your programme and you've not spoken rudely to me. That's really nice and so much more pleasant than yesterday." Set him up for a win.

I feel like we’re fixating a bit on this … it isn’t just YouTube which is causing issues at the moment. I know DH won’t turn it off anyway so not sure it will even be effective, as he knows he can just get it from the other nice parent!

But you have to address each thing that is causing the issue. And that's one of them.

You switch it off when he is rude and unkind. It's as simple as that. You can do the same with any behaviour. If your husband isn't on board with that then you have far bigger problems than your son.

And natural consequences are all well and good but for the most part he doesn’t do things like throw toys and so on, it’s more general unpleasantness and finding it funny when pulled up on it. Anyway, I am just wondering where the light is as I keep thinking we’re through the worst and then we go back into the worst!

Yes I can do that but it doesn’t work. I don’t feel like you believe me

All that happens is he goes apeshit and everyone ends up stressed.

It's not fixitating on YouTube viewing it's more using it as an example of a natural consequence.

And so what if your husband won't do it doesn't mean you can't. Me and DH have different levels of stubbornness when dealing with crappy behavior. DD knows there are things she can get away with her dad that she can't with me.

Just like they learn different standards at school and home.

As long as you're not undermining each other (I.e. he turns the TV back on when you've turned it off) then crack on. Maybe DH will get on board when he sees how effective it can be.