Social services- relationships

[Chubbachubs]

Hi, just need some advice really I am 18 weeks pregnant and social services are involded due to reports made against my child’s father of domestic violence he got arrested and was put on bail his bail is up this month. I am 18 and currently live with family but have been forced to move out, they was the only support programe I really had since having a social worker i was told to sign a safety plan which states not being in contact with father of child. He was also my comfort which may seem crazy given everything that’s happened so I reached out to him to say that my parents are kicking me out and he is willing to support me. My social worker has said to me if u wanted to re start a relationship with him the case would be escalated which I am petrified off as I do not want to lose my child it’s a big fear of mine the domestic violence which was reported before I found out I was pregnant if I was to rekindle things with my child’s farther how should I go about it? Would social service take my baby even if we are willing to prove ourselfs and show taht we will do everything they want us to do and attended any groups they put in place would there still be a risk of losing my baby?

You must engage with social services
and yes they would take it as a massive red flag that you are planning on living with an abuser
the safety of your child is paramount
you sound very vulnerable as well and this is a difficult situation
being a parent tho means putting your kids first and someone who has been arrested for DV shouldn’t be anywhere near them
you need to understand why you feel that this is an option for you - perhaps SS can help you find alternative arrangements?

Retired SW here. You would be putting yourself through a whole load of strife and indeed may lose your child if you resume your relationship with the father of your child. If they believe him to be a risk to your child they will take no chances and could be removed at birth. Obviously I don't know the details of the DV etc but this is the worst case scenario and could absolutely happen. Speak to the SW and tell them you are being kicked out by your family (is there a back story there?). Hopefully they will support you on finding somewhere else to stay. The LA will be obliged to find you somewhere but it may be a B&B/hostel type accommodation.

If social services are involved then he is a massive danger.

Has he hit you yet??

Why do you want a relationship with a violent abuser ?

ny Social worker was also working with him and we was arranging a agreement of if he would have supervised visits etc, so because they was willing to work with him is that still a risk of losing my child?

why would you willingly put your unborn baby at risk! unbelievable

So the domestic violence was against you?

Yes you'll lose your baby if you continue on this path. What's more important to you?

How am I putting my unborn baby at risk? Have u ever been in this situation? The incidents that happened was before I was pregnant and he is willing to get the help if needs to keep the baby, people can change and we are still very young and this has been our first relationship so mistakes was made

Did you report him for DV? It's not clear from your post.

You can't see him again. If you do, social services may take your baby. Their priority is keeping your baby safe.

I'm sorry to hear about your family situation. Do you have any other support?

What is your plan regarding finding somewhere to live? Can you phone Shelter for advice?

You can find out what benefits you're entitled to at Turn2us.

Do not under any circumstances get back in contact with your abuser. What you're feeling is not love, it's trauma bonding. It's very difficult to break away from someone you're bonded to so you're going to have to dig deep.

Are you in contact with a domestic abuse organisation? Contact your local domestic abuse organisation type 'domestic abuse help ' + where you live and phone them. They'll give you support and help to stay away from your abuser.

OP you're in danger of losing your baby, stay away from him.

Domestic violence gets worse during pregnancy and after the birth. If you go back to him they will rightfully take the baby away.

Prioritise yourself and child before a man. Be single. Work on yourself. There is more to life than having a man. Try and find some counselling.

This kind of thing makes me so angry. Why on EARTH do you think contact with a violent man is worth more than your unborn child? This comes across is nothing but stupidity and having seen this scenario with my own eyes with my sister, this ends in tears. Massively. Social services took the child and men took priority in her life, and she won’t see the kid again.

Abuse often ramps up during pregnancy. If he's violent before that, it's a very bad sign.

How do you think he will cope with the stress of having a crying baby? He might be violent to the baby too.

If everything was fine a social worker would not be involved, do you want to lose your child? If not then wake up and put the work in

Honestly, if you were to rekindle things with your chid’s father your child will probably be removed. The baby will be given to foster carers, breaking the attatchment with Mum will have life long consquences for your child’s mental health. But SS will deem this a better alternative to a baby suffering from domestic abuse. If you then continue the relationship with the father SS will ask a judge to put your baby up for adoption. This means breaking the attatchment to the foster parents and placing your child with another new set of parents. This decision would be made because no one want a child you grow up being absused or in the care system but none of this is great for the child.

You need to ask these questions to your social worker.

Have better standards for yourself and your baby. You are better than this. Come on. Enough.

You can't change him from being abusive so getting back together with him could absolutely lead to your baby being made subject to child protection or even care proceedings. Please try to accept that the relationship has to be over if you want to parent your child.

Setting out supervised contact schedules is a million miles away from him being in the baby's life casually whenever he wants/living with the baby. The risk level is totally different. If they think his contact needs to be supervised then they must be VERY worried.

Hi, when you say reports made against child's father, I assume you made those reports?
Despite courses etc, they would usually would take that as a concern that you might want to get back together.
I understand that you need support and especially as you need to move out or have. But he can't really be the one to do that, not to be together or live together. And in many cases the abuser will want to do that, as then it means they have you back on board again, to be able to continue the abuse.

You need to work with SS and ask what support they can give re:housing and anything else, as opposed to your ex partner.

There is lot of research in abuse men. Very few men did manage to no longer be abusive after working very hard with domestic abuse programmes. But all of them who went back to the same partner they abused continued to be absuive.

What help does he identify that he needs? What has he done about getting that help already?

You are putting your unborn child at risk by wanting to be with a DV perpetrator. You need somewhere to stay and you must not get back with this man.

I absolutely understand why this is so hard, especially if you have lost the support of your family. It is so tough and lonely to be facing motherhood alone and unsupported. But you have to, if you don't you are setting yourself up for a lifetime of abuse, and possibly losing your baby.

What is your relationship with your family like now? Are you on speaking terms?

Can you ask your social worker what support is available, do they have support groups for young parents locally? You need a source of support outside of your partner and parents.

Keep talking on here too, there are some idiots on this forum like anywhere else but you will find a lot of support too.

This isn't the life you want for your baby. You are thinking of allowing him in your life because you feel insecure at the moment, but it will only result in more insecurity and an unhappy life for both you and your baby. Seek help through other channels, such as the social worker.

At risk from being taken away from you, at risk from an abuser. If he has shown to be abusive in his first young relationship then that's a massive red flag to anyone, being pregnant will not stop an abuser, abusing. you are essentially picking an abuser over your unborn child knowing there is a risk of it being taken away from you. No amount of mistakes made on either side are an excuse to abuse.
I have also been in a DV relationship. but I would never, ever have picked that man over my child/children.