Social services- relationships

[Chubbachubs]

Hi, just need some advice really I am 18 weeks pregnant and social services are involded due to reports made against my child’s father of domestic violence he got arrested and was put on bail his bail is up this month. I am 18 and currently live with family but have been forced to move out, they was the only support programe I really had since having a social worker i was told to sign a safety plan which states not being in contact with father of child. He was also my comfort which may seem crazy given everything that’s happened so I reached out to him to say that my parents are kicking me out and he is willing to support me. My social worker has said to me if u wanted to re start a relationship with him the case would be escalated which I am petrified off as I do not want to lose my child it’s a big fear of mine the domestic violence which was reported before I found out I was pregnant if I was to rekindle things with my child’s farther how should I go about it? Would social service take my baby even if we are willing to prove ourselfs and show taht we will do everything they want us to do and attended any groups they put in place would there still be a risk of losing my baby?

Getting back with him will put you at risk, and even being aware of abuse in the home is hugely damaging for children, so the baby is at risk too. That's assuming no direct physical abuse.

You will be high priority for housing, even if it is just temporary housing for a while. You will almost certainly be able to claim benefits. There is help for you. I'm not saying that it will be easy, but it will be easier without the fear of losing your baby.

Show your SW that you want to get through this safely. Ask them to help you. Follow up any recommendations they make. Talk to Women's Aid. This must all feel overwhelming and isolating at the moment, but you are not alone. There is help for you, but you have to reach out and ask for it.

@Chubbachubs you must not restart this relationship. The possible result ultimately is your child being removed.

There has also been DA incidents which is the most significant indication of future risk of harm for you and your baby.

It's very well known that risks increase during pregnancy and after birth. You and your child are at significant risk.

You very clearly need support and it sounds like you're in an awful situation but he is not where you find your support.

You are 18 and pregnant and homeless. You are considering starting a relationship with a man who has been violent towards you. SS have seen this play out a million times and they know how it's going to go. Best case scenario is that it won't be good, worst case is you and/or your child end up dead. Your parents know this, SS know this, MN knows this.

They all say they'll change - it's part of the script. They don't.

I know it's hard being 18 at the best of times, but it will be a lot easier without him in your life, despite whatever short term feeling of relief and love he gives you.

You need to put your DC first, and that means keeping DC and you out of harm's way.

It was your parents who reported the DV, wasn’t it? And is this why you’re moving out?

You’re demonstrating that you didn’t recognise the seriousness of your situation nor your risk to the baby. You’re 18, and now ostracised from your parents.

I’d hope that Social Services remain all over this, as I dread to think the outcomes for you & your child otherwise.

@Chubbachubs my daughter had been through something very similar to you . Her son was on child protection register. Social services told her to not to have any contact with her violent ex. But she did over the phone. This was found out. And her child was them put on a PLO which meant they were considering going to court to have her child removed. Dd had to do lots of work with social services to proove she could keep away from him. She ended up with social services for almost 4 years.

You basically have to choose your baby or him.

If he thinks he can get help for his violence then he needs to do that alone away from you. Completely separate from you . No contact at all until social services say it's safe to do so .

What has happend with your family? Social services really like you to have a good support network. It means alot in a situation like this.

This

You need to think of your unborn baby. Not yourself and not the abusive scumbag

With all kindness @Chubbachubs you are 18 weeks, if the only option you feel you have is to restart the relationship with this man and you know this will mean SS will remove your baby, have you considered not having the baby?

Any choice you make now is going to be difficult, the only choice that results in you keeping your baby is staying away from this man. Having a child so young will be hard enough without the constant fear of having them taken away because of an abusive man or them being hurt.

Women's Aid would be a useful resource for you even with a SW.

OP I'm not going to add to what everyone else has rightly said about possibly losing your baby if you have this man back in your life
instead I will ask you to ask yourself WHY social services, who are massively overstretched, are taking this attitude?
Its not because they are worried about you and your wellbeing, I'm sorry to say, its because they are worried about the health and wellbeing of your unborn. Even their life. It is well known that children suffer hugely from living around domestic abuse, even when mums do their best to protect their children. Its simply not possible to protect children in that situation.

You BF may- may- be able to change, sometimes men do, but rarely, and you cannot take that gamble. You must put yourself and your unborn first. If your family have thrown you out, tell the social worker.

Social services will say your putting your baby at risk by being with a violent man. They can't leave a baby in that environment.

I think you need to understand that there is a very real possibility of losing your child if you get back with him.

I am a midwife and have seen this situation several times. Sometimes multiple children removed.

You have been given a safety plan by the social workers that you signed that were working with you but you have broken that. I would imagine your parents were protective factors too.

You need to realise that this isn't just about you but about your baby too and about its childhood and if you can't show that you are not able to stay away from him they will look at removing baby. Yes, SS were looking at working with him but that was likely to be supervised contact ect.

Hey 👋 i was in a similar situation with my first pregnancy, i was 17, ex was abusive, started out with just verbal abuse so i ended the relationship when i was 18 weeks pregnant, i went to his flat to collect my belongings and he took my phone, locked me in the flat and threatened to wrap a pole round my head if i tried to leave, i attempted to get out and he shoved me onto the bed and sat on me and said i wasn’t allowed up until i agreed to stay with him, his brother (who was outside incase i managed to get hold of anyone so he could stop them coming to help me) heard me crying/shouting and convinced my ex to let me go- longest 5 hours of my life, as i was walking up the road to get away from the flat he ran up behind me jabbed me in the stomach, laughed and said good luck being a single parent.
its been nearly 15 years since then and the abuse has never stopped, he still messages myself and my OH with threats, he actually physically assaulted my OH only a year ago- my daughter no longer sees him as he was mentally abusing her, telling her lies, threatening to beat mummy and step-dad up and showing her the knuckle dusters he was going to use to do it etc THEY DONT CHANGE! Get out now and run far away xx

That's them working with him to have supervised contact with the child, that's not them saying they would ignore you being in a relationship again. Surely you must know that.

Hi op. I'm a foster carer. Most of the very young children who get placed in my care have been taken from mothers who failed to protect them by carrying on in dv relationships even though they've been warned of the consequences. Your social worker will have explained their concerns and exactly risks that being in a relationship with this man could be. It's now up to YOU to show that you can protect your baby.

I'm sorry OP, if he is committing acts of DV at such a young age, he is unlikely to change. He has shown you what he is, listen to him. You can't have a relationship with this man and even more so under social services. You have to concentrate on that and your unborn child.

She is 18 years old and dealing with being pregnant, homeless and a victim of domestic violence and you're shocked and 'angry' at her!?
wow wtf

Firstly I am very sorry to hear you have been a victim of domestic violence. You are now pregnant and homeless so I can imagine you feel scared about the future and also have feelings of uncertainty. When we feel uncertain it can be common to look for familiarity, which is what you may be doing when looking at pursuing a relationship with this man.

The fact you have posted shows you may know deep down it is not a good option. Social services can remove your child if you do not safeguard them.

Have you looked at trauma bonding, this can be really common when people are subject to abuse. Have social services offered you to look into freedom projects, that can help you understand domestic violence and the cycle around this.

Just as a last point, a baby can rock even the most stable relationships, the pressure, stress and lack of sleep can make the most calmest of people snappy and act differently. So you need to think it’s likely to increase the risk to you and your child.

I really hope you can find the strength to walk away from this man knowing that you and your baby deserves better. Also look into ACE’s which is adverse childhood experiences, domestic violence is one of these. Look how these can significantly impact on children’s mental health, safety and security.

I say all of the above with compassion towards you and your unborn child and I can imagine this must be a very painful time for you right now.

Oh love, what a lot you’re going through. I’m so sorry.

You need to be your own support and your own comfort for a little while.

Ask your social worker to help you figure out what you’re entitled to and for help finding a place to live. Once you’re all set up you’ll find things are easier.

As hard as this is, you need to accept that the social workers have more experience in these matters than you do. They want you and your baby to stay together as this is best for the baby, everything they are saying to you is with this in mind. The only way to keep your baby is to listen to what they are saying and do exactly as they say.

I hope you're ok. I entirely understand your urge to minimize his behaviour - I did that too when I was with a violent and abusive man. Please don't. It will count against you with social services and yes, they will take your baby away if you go back to him. Don't do that.

Talk this through with your social worker. Remember they are there to help you and your baby. What support is there for you? Some areas have special mother and baby homes where young mums get a bit of support and companionship. Can she help you with housing?

Good luck and sending love

instances of domestic violence increase hugely during pregnancy - it's well documented.

The best "help" he can give you is to leave you alone otherwise you will lose this baby

You might only be 18 but you are legally an adult and soon to be mother and you need to start thinking like one

My sil choose her partner over her children . Social services told her to not see him and they secretly lived together. Obviously it didn't last long and she lost custody of her children.
They had drink problems which led to him being abusive

@Chubbachubs This man is charged with domestic violence and is currently deemed a risk to your unborn child. Social work have said pretty clearly that placing your unborn child in proximity of this man is not something they'll accept, so you need to take that seriously. A violent man should not be around a vulnerable 18 year old who is pregnant - at all. He could hurt you, hurt your unborn child, or kill one or both of you.

No man is worth risking your child's safety and life, especially not one already on bail for domestic violence.