Is motherhood like this for all mothers?

[BeGreenSwan]

Some background info on me: 26, happily married, SAHM and have an 11 month old daughter. None of my siblings, cousins, brothers in law, friends have children yet so I'm unsure if my experience of motherhood is normal.

Firstly, I love motherhood and I love my daughter to much :). I'm happy going to baby groups, going to the park, playing, cooking healthy weaning meals. I don't mind the nappy changes, cooking etc. There's a lot of cleaning but I'm getting used to it! My daughter used to wake up hourly (from 5 months old to 9 months old) but now wakes up 2x per night if she's not teething - we co sleep which makes the night wakes easier.

However - I am extremely tired, have minimal alone time, minimal time with husband or time for hobbies.

My mother asked me if I've been watching a popular TV show on Netflix... I was confused, how would we have the time? Are most women with babies/toddlers actually having evenings where they watch TV? My daughter is low sleep needs so she goes to sleep at 9PM and wakes up at 7AM. After she sleeps, I'm tired and don't want to watch TV. We do chores, shower then go to sleep. My husband helps a lot with chores so there's no issue there!

My mother in Law asked me if I've been going to the gym.... nope. Could I find time, sure but my body is already aching and I'm sleep deprived. Aren't most mothers too tired to go to the gym?

I keep being told how important it is to have date nights. The thought of a date night is exhausting... we went on holiday in the summer which was really nice but I don't want to have to go on date nights when I'm already tired.

Just posting this as I'm confused by other people, especially mothers assuming that my life would be the same as before.

I think that's a late bedtime for an 11 month old. Which is not to say it's wrong for your baby, but I imagine a lot of parents have a bit more time in the evening after bedtime.

Does she nap during the day? That’s quite a late bedtime for her age. What about nursery one day a week? Also the cleaning, how much mess is one small baby making? The house doesn’t need to be spotless, just clean and tidy not a show home. I have 3 kids, I still go to the hairdressers or shops, I sit and watch tv on a night. Could my house be cleaner? Absolutely it could! But my sanity is also very important.

We have tried an earlier bedtime - she is low sleep needs so only sleeps 13 hours max per day with 2 naps.

The naps are usually 45 minutes long and she sleeps 10 hrs overnight.

If she sleeps too early she wakes up a lot or has a split night.

Makes sense that most parents have more evening time if their baby sleeps at 7PM and wakes at 7AM.

9pm is quite late for that age. I would get her to sleep earlier and have more time for yourself.

Yes, 45 mins 2x per day.

By cleaning - i mean cleaning up the mess after baby led weaning. Or cleaning after cooking (I cook from scratch). I'm not cleaning for hours lol it's just more than before.

Yeah I still go to the hairdressers or shops... and I could watch TV but I'd rather sleep lol.

You're still really in the thick of it, it will get better. Low sleep needs is a killer but hopefully once she's up and about she'll be much more knackered and start sleeping through at least. I'm a SAHM mum and still don't have time in the day for myself with a 2 year old but she goes to bed at 8 and I have a couple of hours for telly watching. Can your husband have her a bit in the evening so you can shower/do chores before she goes down? I make sure I have NOTHING to do once she's asleep so all that time is mine.

Can your parents or in-laws take her for a few hours here and there so you get a break?

It gets so much easier and more fun, I promise.

I think it’s normal to be tired with a baby but I’d go to the gp and make sure you are deficient in iron or something. I have 3 dcs and when they were small I’d swap over a bit with my dh to get a break , still do now they are older as our families have never babysat! Are your mum or mil offering to actually help ? Are you back working as that’s really exhausting with a baby or kids tbh !!

I have similar thoughts at work, when there are discussions about Netflix shows or similar. I just don’t have any free time at all.

But it is not forever, this very intense phase (my youngest is 14 months) and I know that if her brother is anything to go by things get a bit less intense at 2: the days are hard going but you do have some time in the evenings and they sleep better so you’re not as bone crushingly exhausted (although ds was a 5am waker) and then by 3 it’s … not easy but ds is now 3 years 9 months, he can do most things himself and the things he needs help with he can help me with, it isn’t quite as full on.

I have to remind myself of this as much as I adore and cherish my little dd I forgot how hard this age is! So I don’t think its like that for all mothers but probably a lot of mothers with under 2s!

Thanks for this!

Really encouraging :) Good idea, I'll ask my husband to have her from 8-9PM so I can shower.

I think once she drops her 2nd nap, she will sleep a bit earlier.

Yes my parents and in laws can do that thankfully :)

I think it also depends how much you’d choose to use tv to relax - it’s not my fave thing and I’d probably rather be on MN for example, that was easier to enjoy when I had non sleeping kids. We didn’t have date nights etc either. I have met mums who’s babies sleep from early on and their lives have changed a lot less.

No not my experience. At 7 months old I put them in their cot in their own bedroom and did very gentle sleep training. (Not cry it out!)
So they could self soothe and would only wake maybe once in the night. From around then I go to at least one exercise class in the evening. And at weekends I would have at least a few hours of child free time to see a friend for lunch or go clothes shopping on my own etc.

I don't watch TV really but I do read in the evenings and that's great to do in those quick naps or the evening.

Honestly so normal for me too

Although 9pm is late and I’d be trying to stop the co sleeping as it really does give you some space

but I’m 2 years in I’m exhausted don’t care about tv ( unless it’s bluey or the wiggles ) politics
, or sport. I used to do Zumba and miss it but between a clingy toddler and lack of sleep I don’t have time for me… thank goodness for mumsnet I have some easy reading and support ….. my old job that I now do 9-5 feels like a break as I can have a hot coffee and eat in peace but I still feel guilty

You are doing a great job trust yourself you will get more time back eventually… and then ironically will miss your little baby

I think you're putting a lot of pressure on yourself cooking from scratch every night and doing lots of chores each night. Can you have a night off to watch some TV if that's what you want?

I used to go to baby classes that you can go to with your babies. There are quite a few around.

Having said that, as a pp said you're in the thick of it and I also preferred sleep than doing most things when mine were young. Please don't martyr yourself though, you don't have to be perfect, you are more than a mother and don't forget yourself and being kind to yourself.

Yes your experience sounds like mine when my DD was that age. I remember SIL advising me to rest more and just boggling at her. I never ever stopped. My experience was that it got much easier as DD got older and regulated sleep and eating. And also I got used to life as a parent.

You know your baby and that bedtime seems fine. Mine went to bed then too (it's very common in other countries).

Being a parent to a baby IS exhausting! I think it's because you never get to completely relax when you're taking care of someone else. I didn't feel like going to the gym either and I've only started having a bit more energy now that my youngest is 3.

That said, we watched Netflix, went to hairdresser's, had date nights, etc. while the baby was with us. No need to martyr yourself. Those things get harder to do the older the baby gets.

If you're too tired, though, just prioritise resting. This is such a small period of your life and the important thing is that you are all happy.

Tbh I watched quite a lot of TV in the day if DD was napping on me, especially when she was teething. I did also go to the gym but DH did his fair share and I didn't breastfeed for long so I wasn't responsible for night wakings every night. We did also sleep train after someone asked me if baby and I were ill because of how tired we looked.

I would also second the poster about low iron, just to rule out your tiredness and have a bit of a post pregnancy MOT, maybe see if you can get bloods done, make sure you are eating well and see if you can get some exercise in for your own space and that will boost your energy.

You do sound pretty normal tbh, in the thick of baby time, but the excessive tiredness I wouldn't say just keep an eye on it.

Experiences of motherhood vary massively depending on baby's temperament, and how much support (eg from grandparents) is available. It's really difficult to hear comments that seem to imply that you 'should' be having an easier time than you are. But there are loads of mothers in exactly the same boat as you, so don't doubt yourself. It sounds like you're happy and doing what works for your family at this point in time.

I think that's pretty normal for the first year of parenthood. As others have said, most babies go to bed between 7-8 so mums are allowed a window in the evenings to relax. Mine is now 3, plays independently, feeds himself, doesn't nap - and I have much more freedom! So it does get easier.

Do you get any time for yourself? I know there's a mountain of housework to tackle, but it's important that you get a chance to breathe as well. Consider dedicating one naptime a day to looking after yourself and relaxing - read a book, watch tv, do a hobby: whatever you find enjoyable. And of course accept any offer of family babysitting!

I went back to work full time when DT’s were six months old so as we all out of the house most of the day, the house got less messy and we had a cleaner a couple of times a week to keep on top of cleaning, changing the beds, laundry etc. We also did spoon feeding pouches and jars so less mess.
They slept through occasionally from about eight weeks and regularly when we sleep trained at five months so lack of sleep wasn’t a big problem.
Going to the gym is important for DH and I so we took it in turns going. We had a weekly babysitter when DT’s started nursery so were able to have meals out.

I do have an iron deficiency and was anemic during pregnancy so that is probably why I'm so tired. I have been iron deficient since I was a teenager.

My mum and mil help a lot thankfully :) They help with cooking or look after my dd so I can rest. They don't like close by tho so I don't see them a lot

I would have thought you could fit in an hour of tv?

You need to make time to relax together at the end of the day, not be doing chores right till your own bedtime?

So could one of you tidy kitchen, do essential chores, while the other gets DD to bed, then you have 915-1015pm to relax and watch tv?

You'll still be able to sleep from 1030pm to 7am which is 8.5 hours?

I've always loved cooking and it makes me happy. I also like a clean home.

It's not that I need to watch TV... it's that I just wanted to know if that's what other mothers are doing.

Do you mean fitness classes?

Thanks for the kind message :) your right I should rest and not be a martyr!

It depends it can be like that if you allow it to be and you don’t tag team with your DH.

We’d have dinner together at 5pm, then clean up together until 6pm. DH would then have baby from 6pm-2am and do the 6pm and 10pm bottle. I’d get in bed at 6pm and watch tv or read for 2 hours then sleep 8pm-2am and then I’d do the 2am bottle and DH would sleep 2am-8am.

Obviously it needs to keep evolving as babies routine evolves. For your current routine I would aim to clean up together by 7pm then DH watches baby whilst you have 2 hours to yourself before bedtime at 9pm. He then has a later bedtime of 11pm and has 2 hours to himself.

We’d also alternate watching the baby and have every other Saturday afternoon to ourselves. I’d got for beauty treatment, massage, meet a friend, have a nap!!

Good idea ! I think that's possible :)