Is motherhood like this for all mothers?

[BeGreenSwan]

Some background info on me: 26, happily married, SAHM and have an 11 month old daughter. None of my siblings, cousins, brothers in law, friends have children yet so I'm unsure if my experience of motherhood is normal.

Firstly, I love motherhood and I love my daughter to much :). I'm happy going to baby groups, going to the park, playing, cooking healthy weaning meals. I don't mind the nappy changes, cooking etc. There's a lot of cleaning but I'm getting used to it! My daughter used to wake up hourly (from 5 months old to 9 months old) but now wakes up 2x per night if she's not teething - we co sleep which makes the night wakes easier.

However - I am extremely tired, have minimal alone time, minimal time with husband or time for hobbies.

My mother asked me if I've been watching a popular TV show on Netflix... I was confused, how would we have the time? Are most women with babies/toddlers actually having evenings where they watch TV? My daughter is low sleep needs so she goes to sleep at 9PM and wakes up at 7AM. After she sleeps, I'm tired and don't want to watch TV. We do chores, shower then go to sleep. My husband helps a lot with chores so there's no issue there!

My mother in Law asked me if I've been going to the gym.... nope. Could I find time, sure but my body is already aching and I'm sleep deprived. Aren't most mothers too tired to go to the gym?

I keep being told how important it is to have date nights. The thought of a date night is exhausting... we went on holiday in the summer which was really nice but I don't want to have to go on date nights when I'm already tired.

Just posting this as I'm confused by other people, especially mothers assuming that my life would be the same as before.

Interesting! How did you have date nights whilst the baby was with you?

Definitely stop doing chores in the evening.
Can you eat early all together, get cleaned up by 7 or so and then you’re all done to sit down once she’s in bed?
I’d also drop to one nap now.
Also, if you need an hour to shower then you’re losing time there. That’s where you have time but others don’t.

@BeGreenSwan we have a night owl too and people just don't believe we can't get her to sleep earlier- we just ignore them now as cannot handle the split nights if we try again!

We have zero time too in the evenings...... it's got me down as our relationship has suffered but we're trying to carve out some time! Ive joined a book group in an attempt it'll mean I read at least one book a month again (used to read load and loads before) and going aback to apple fitness as it's easier to do than get to the gym!!

They're little for such a little amount of time we're

We'd typically book a restaurant and have dinner out with the baby in tow (much easier before they became toddlers). Then we'd either go for a nice walk or drive home and baby would fall asleep in the car on the way. We'd then watch a film with a glass of wine snuggled on the sofa until one of us invariably had to attend to the baby for one of their many wakings!

We have no one to babysit so dates nights always have to involve children, unfortunately!

SAHM here, I was def too exhausted for the gym too when mine were that age, and I couldn’t muster the energy for a date night. But, I made sure I carved out at least an hour or 2 a night just for me. After the children have gone to sleep (now about 9pm), there are no chores, or showers, it’s me time to watch Tv, mumsnet, do some admin but only if I want to. I think it’s so important to have that physical break from running round and chill, and I’m disciplined about it :)

You need to work with your husband to make sure it’s all done before the little ones bedtime. You just can’t be mum / housewife 24/7, once you have a toddler on your hands and they nap less you’ll go a bit bonkers! Also, if you can I’d try to get your husband to take the baby out on his own for a bit of a weekend to give you a break and allow time for him to be hands on

Not my experience. They slept through 11-12 hours a night in the cot, in their own room and if sleep started going a bit iffy I took that as a sign to drop a nap. So going out was fine because we’d do bedtime then they’d have no idea we’d gone anywhere. DS was a bit low sleep needs so I had him on 1 nap at 11 months, rather than keeping 2 and sacrificing the night sleep. My gym had a crèche. By that age they mostly ate what we ate and if it wasn’t suitable they’d have easy stuff like weetabix with banana, avocado toast or god forbid a pouch. I bought a robot hoover and dropped my standards with the house ha! You’re in the thick of it right now and definitely ok to prioritise rest over the gym but equally you do matter too and it’s good to prioritise your own needs occasionally. If the baby has a pouch because you napped when they did rather than using the time to steam and purée veggies from scratch then that’s fine!

We just made it happen, dh got to go to football or meet people I got to go to my groups or meet people or go shopping or we did stuff together on weekends

One of us wanted to do something so we just made it happen show how, or our parents had put child and we went away for short breaks when we didn't take our child

Didn't think too much about we just got on with it

Well, I’ve never joined a gym so would have laughed at that suggestion, but your mum asking if you’ve watched something on the telly recently isn’t an unrealistic expectation.

That's a really good idea!

I will do dinner at 6PM instead of 7PM, my husband won't be able to join as he's working but there will be less of a rush in the evenings.

What was his sleep schedule at 11 months if he only had 1 nap?

My child had similar sleep to yours. No point in putting them to bed earlier as they'd just wake up earlier so total time to myself was the same, just shifted slightly.

I had a hobby that took me out in the evenings twice a week before I had a baby and I managed to keep that up, especially after dc was 15mo and my husband could get them to sleep himself (before that only breastfeeding worked). Tbf, most of the people quit the hobby when they've had kids.

But I am often tired and prefer to prioritise sleeping over TV on other days. But I wasn't that in to TV pre baby either.

Of course not everyone's experiences are the same, the situations are different and also what people prioritise is different. Some will want to watch TV to unwind, others will want to sleep as much as they can, neither is right or wrong. Same with the gym, not everyone will get the opportunity or want to go, for others its a sanctuary and they'll have the support from others to facilitate this. It's not the case that all mothers are frazzled, tired, have no time for their interests; but some are and that's also 'normal'.

Usually 90 minutes after lunch, maybe 12.30-2pm ish but we weren’t massively precise about it. Then bed at 7 and he’d sleep until 6am, 6.30 on a very good day!!

I think it depends on the sort of baby you have and the sort of parenting regime you have/ want to have.

Low sleep needs is a real thing I understand and I guess that's the main issue for you. I wasn't rigid about a 7pm bedtime but ours were always down by 7.30/8pm and it did mean we got "an evening". They also had 2 long naps so I was able to deal with chores and have a quick sunbathe/rest/read a book. I can see that isn't as easy for you and that's why you are so tired.

I confess I watched a horrendous amount of TV during my maternity leave, a lot of it whilst breastfeeding (as I was sitting down anyway lol) and would sometimes have a show playing on my tablet and carry it around with me while doing chores. Date nights were rare though as we had no one to babysit and didn't appeal much as I was all touched out and not feeling amorous anyway. I did go to the gym, just once a week. I was only gone 1.5 hours and it honestly made me feel better and gave me more energy and alleviated the aches and pains from all those hours stuck in a chair breastfeeding. If you can carve out time and energy to do one thing for yourself, make it exercise, it's so rewarding!

Remember if you feel better, it makes for a happier family overall.

Most of all, don't worry about what other people think you should be doing, just think about what works best for you. Like another poster on this thread you may not care much about TV. We are all different. I was back at work before 6 months with both mine (and it was fine) though a lot of people were horrified and told me so.

Ours had dropped a nap by that point (then naps all together by 18m!), so am a little envious of your free nap time!

Are you working? If not, can you do your chores in nap times?

I also like cooking and found it relaxing. My routine was to clean after the lunch nap and prep dinner (extra so that would be their lunch for the next day). Dinner would be around 1730, husband would do bedtime routine around 1830 and then bed by 1900. They would sleep solidly for 12hrs so we were lucky in that sense. I would cook dinner when he was doing bedtime and we would eat between 2000-2100. We go to bed a bit later than you (around 2300), so 4hrs to do whatever we wanted!

Friday nights would usually be date night, I’d cook a fancy meal and we chat, listen to music, maybe watch a film.

We go out independently a couple of times a month to see friends etc.

Yes sorry I meant fitness classes. I used to go to them when I was on maternity leave, lots of lovely mums and their babies!

Please try not to compare yourself to anyone though OP, everyone's experience is different. Neither of my children slept well and I tried everything and I mean EVERYTHING, so I just did what I needed to, got a cleaner, took the pressure off myself and now I'm begging the little monsters to get out of bed in a morning!

Depends on baby.

DS was a really high needs baby that woke MANY times a night screaming (some nights it was literally EVERY 30 mins) and was just incredibly demanding. We went from TV and chilling every night to catering to baby's needs every night. I still remember sitting down to watch a show for the first time was when he was 6 months old. We only really got our evenings back when he was 2 and finally slept through.
Btw he's now 4 and sleeps 10-12 hours straight and is the loveliest boy!

DD was always a better sleeper so we got our evenings back MUCH sooner. I think we also became better at balancing life / baby needs with number 2.

DD is now 10 months and I wouldn't say I have time for the gym or any hobbies as she's breastfed and clingy. I could go I suppose, but I'd feel guilty she was upset while I was away.
Her sleep isn't predictable so even if I put her down for a nap, she could be wide awake in 20 mins. It doesn't seem worth it to me.
The last 2 times I've gone for a run (25 mins or so), I've come back to a very upset baby. DH is wonderful with her, but she just wants mum at the minute.

This too shall pass and I'm looking forward to lots of yoga and gym when she's a wee bit older.

I watched TV during feeds.

I had twins and mine were pretty unsettled at night for the first few months.
We all watched a lot of crap tv at 3am on the sofa while I was settling them.

I think your baby is knackered hence their 'low sleep'. 13 hours is far too little and you will be exhausted if you're with them every waking hour.

@MultiplaLight

Even if this is true, some babies won't sleep any more, no matter what you do!

There's only so much bouncing, driving around, shushing and feeding you can do before throwing in the towel and getting on with your day.

With my first baby, I was Forever trying to get him to sleep, but he would still only do about 12 hours total at 10 months.

Now with baby 2, I go with the flow and don't try and force naps. She sleeps about the same amount as her brother did (12 hours per day) but I am happier as I'm not trapped in a dark room with white noise, or suffering with aching muscles from carrying and bouncing!

I think unless you've had a sleep fighting baby, it's hard to truly understand.

Our little one is also 11 months, goes to bed 9ish and up at 7.30, co sleeps and wakes a lot still. It’s just how he is and I know one day it won’t be like this. I don’t have the answer as basically have very little time to myself as he won’t go in a cot at all so naps are contact naps.
Just to say you aren’t doing anything wrong it’s your baby’s temperament

This is exactly it. I've three and no family help. Actually I found it better when my mindset changed to sort of accept this is the way things are. Then when I actually do get to watch something or get out on my own it's a nice surprise! I also have a couple of friends who don't have family help either and we message each other on the hard days to commiserate.
Sleep deprivation is the worst. I co slept with the first and she woke to breastfeed every hour and a half for nearly 2 years. My second was sleep trained and slept through the night in the cot from much earlier! I can assure you they still love you in the morning after sleep training and a lot of the time sleep training works quite quickly.

My babies were in bed by 7.30 and my DH got home by 8pm so we had the evenings together. This was non negotiable- I can count on one hand when perhaps one child was ill or something and it didn't work.
One child was awake by 6am the other a bit later - in fact he's still, at 21, an early riser!

My 14 month old sleeps 7pm-6am. I'm extremely tired and little time to do hobbies. I work full time. Why isn't your husband making some meals and doing some of the cleaning? The household chores should be equal.

I watch tv during the day with LO (i have 1 day off a week with them). So we'll do an activity in the morning, then they have a nap so i'd sit down and watch an episode or 2, then in the afternoon if they are playing happily and i've tidied up from lunch then i'll put something else on tv or read my book.

Me and DH swap each night during the week to fit our gym sessions in, either one of us can put LO to bed.

Date nights at least once a month when family will babysit, but we go out for food with LO and friends withbkids normally once a week