Blended family advice

[goforit99]

Calling all advice for blending families, is it worth it or best to live separately?
Back story: partner and I have been together over two years, in love and have children separately, he has two almost teens and I have almost 6 years old. We live apart and I love my own time ( I work full-time, study and have young one 90% of the time, dad has her two weekends a month).
anyway, I love my partner and we have spoken about marriage and moving in, but the idea of potentially having all children together full-time scares the shit out of me ( he Co-parents so has kids 50/50, good relationship with mum and she is a lovely person so no bad blood here). Whenever I get excited about us all eventually living together , I freak out and second guess myself. Sometimes when we talk he’ll say stuff like “they will eventually not have a set routine and may come and live with us full-time if they want) which I know is a possibility but I don’t think I can cope, even though my little one will be with us full-time (he’s fully aware of this so no nasty surprises), I also do everything for my daughter, he will not be involved in picking her up, cooking etc I wouldn’t allow it, she’s mine. I dont’t know if I can be a proper stepmom, I don’t think I want to be, im quite independent and raise my daughter with firm boundaries however, his children seem to do what they want and have their dad wrapped around their fingers (guilt of divorce etc).. anyway, is it worth moving in together (will be our home equally). I value my “own” time and im scared. I love him and he is a great person, I just don’t love the blended family idea.

You’ve explained very clearly why it’s a terrible idea. Read it back. You have nothing to gain and everything to lose.

@AnneLovesGilbert I know I know, part of me wants to believe it could work! I don’t like us living apart and I so badly want to “normal” life of having my partner with me but I don’t think I can cope

@goforit99 "I also do everything for my daughter, he will not be involved in picking her up, cooking etc I wouldn’t allow it, she’s mine."

To be honest, it won't be a blended family, will it? It sounds as if you either ought to stay the way you are, or cut your losses. Sorry.

@CurlewKate i meant I will have zero expectations of him to do anything for my daughter and I would expect the same from him. I added this in case someone comes along to say “well he accepts your daughter full-time”.

If his kids are really running rings around him then he’s setting you up to be with wicked stepmother when you try and impose some rules and expectations on them.

Your head is speaking total sense. Ideally you could decrease the distance between you when say your dd moves to secondary or when his kids finish school but it sounds like you’re very practical if you envisioned blending as him and you parenting your kids separately.

I don't think it sounds reasonable to think a blended family can never share some tasks ... can you not see him cooking for the family while you maybe helping one of his with hair straightening? Prob shit example but hopefully you see this is not what you want
Nothing wrong with that ...you bring honest

This

You will have children at very different stages, which can be tricky even if they are full siblings. Teens can be very tricky! I think carrying on as you are is probably best.

@Soditsally i do, really so and I want it, but I don’t want to go into it with the expectation that he will do things for my daughter because I don’t want to get blamed if his daughter( who is almost 12, gets jealous if she is not center of attention) starts to “cry” that her dad is holding my little one or doing something for her. I just don’t want to be part of the drama of jealous kids and feeling like I’m making his daughters life a misery. She’s lovely but a massive drama queen and by his own account “can never do any wrong”. I so badly want a family setup by can foresee how things will be. He is also over accommodating and has some guilt around divorce and impact on kids, even though it’s been nearly 4 years.

no honestly it’s really tough. I’m in a blended family and when dh’s teens were living with us it was horrible. I had a younger one and the teens were playing music late at night, and coming in waking the whole house. Typical teen stuff but it was hard. I don’t think you have anything to gain. Look at it financially as well. Do you get money for being a single parent? Are you going to lose that if you co habit ? Child benefit also comes into play because your child won’t be classed as the first child anymore

Of course you shouldn’t move in with him! You don’t even like his kids! Why is this even a question?
Generally, when blended families have some children living there full time and some part time it just doesn’t work, for anyone really.
Living with a man is waaay overrated and definitely not worth upsetting all of your children over.

@Pyjamatimenow this is my fear, the older kids coming and going as they please, walking into the home of and when they please! At the moment we have a set routine, where my daughter and his kids are with the other parent at the same time so we get every other weekend together, I couldn’t imagine it if it changed to the kids coming in late at night, staying up super late when it’s “adult time”. I’m probably not cut out for it to be honest after reading the responses. I don’t think much changes for me if we get married, CM is still paid but I am not in receipt of any benefits and I work full-time so nothing else coming in that benefits me as a single-parent, obviously council tax etc will change but we will share those expenses .

I so badly want a family setup

You and your daughter are a family.
It wouldn't be in her best interests to make her live with your boyfriend and his poorly parented kids. Just date him without household drudgery.

@PontiacFirebird apart from the not liking his kids which is your personal opinion based on what I wrote, you are right on the other points.

@PontiacFirebird sorry, sent previous response without fully finishing. It is overrated but I really want us to be “proper partners”, you know? I feel like it’s not a normal relationship! When we are together everything seems perfect, until the kids come into it (mine and his).

@ActualChips you are right!

It’s hard because you obviously both want to live with each other but both want to live with your own children and not each other’s. Therefore it’s not really fair to the children involved. I would stay separate for a few more years until they are independent. It won’t be forever.

The other thing to consider is that it’s quite hard to build relationships with kids as a woman without doing ‘motherly’ acts of service. Men can do it by being fun and kicking a ball around. That doesn’t wash in the stepmum role. You have to be feeding them, picking up their clothes, washing their stuff and trying to be fun! It’s a hard gig. They want you to do mum work but not actually be their mum. I remember in the early days ironing all sd’s school uniform, hanging it up and her chucking it on the floor and then crying to her dad that she had no uniform when he was late to work.

@Pyjamatimenow this! I do not want to do everything you wrote! When we are all together, I will cook (Although kids are very picky with food so probably won’t eat it and dad will always order them a take out), I will do my share of laundry, washing up and tideying up ONLY when my daughter is also in the house. There will be times the kids will be all with us throughout the week and times when my daughter is away with her dad , so it’s only fair he will look after the other children when mine is not around. We do go out together and do fun things but I will not be a motherly role, I will be a responsible adult around the children but will not pick up after them, I’m very firm with this and he is also aware of how I am.

@Pyjamatimenow when I say not play a motherly role, I meant I will not baby them and give into every whim like they are used to, “forgot your uniform?, daddy can get it for you” type of thing.

What you seem to be describing is that you move your partner in, he abides by your routine and you both parent completely separately with your dd allowed to live there ft, but his not being welcome outside a schedule. That's not how families work, there's give and take but you're setting yourself up for a lot of resentment. Wait until his children are settled elsewhere as adults before you move in together

@DarkForces resentment is the right word! I don’t think I fully grasp the concept of a blended family hence my confusion. Whether the kids move in full-time or not (not including if god forbid something happens to the other parent), is something I will never have a say in, I would never express my feelings to him because they are children at the end of the day, but I know I will struggle with children that are not mine, despite everything, they can be fun to be around until they are not and the separation is obvious when dad tries to accommodate things that are not necessarily needed but does so out of guilt. This makes it hard for me to envision a normal life.

It's much better to be honest about your limitations now and hold back from moving in than try to untangle a messy situation. Play a longer game and once the children are grown then you can have something much closer to your expectations.

The thing is though it won’t wash ( literally) even if he doesn’t expect you to do it they will. They won’t get that it’s not really your job. Teens don’t want to be babied but they do want to be cared for and that often falls to the female of the house. It’s crap and wrong and unfair but that’s my experience.

No don’t move in together, you’re not cut out for it. I’m not either, I’m just like you so if DH and I ever split, I would never move in with anyone else.

I have an age gap with my own DC and honestly it’s hard, and gets harder as they get to older teens , so you would resent it hugely as they are not even your DC.

Enjoy what you have - it’s better than most people’s relationships!! I wish DH and I could have 2 homes for the days I want to get away by myself!!!