How to manage my kids' different dietary needs

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I'm wondering if anyone has any advice on how I can better manage my DCs' diets.

I have 3 DC aged 16, 12 and 6. 16yo is a decent eater now, not that fussy anymore, but has a sweet tooth and eats a ridiculous amount of cereal, and fairly often gets up in the middle of the night to eat cereal. The vast majority of the time, I cook good, well balanced meals with lots of protein and carbs, appropriate portion sizes, but the cereal thing has become a habit. Despite this, he is bordering on underweight. He's very tall, very sporty and clearly very effective metabolism!

12yo is naturally very slim - eats well and has never been fussy. But I sometimes feel her portion sizes are quite small. She's healthy and quite health-conscious. Her weight is in the normal range but lower end.

6yo is overweight. She's not fat but she is in the overweight category. She was a massive baby (almost 10lb) and has stayed on the upper centiles. I'm really trying to manage her weight as I don't want it to be something she is conscious of and I already see her looking at her tummy in profile in the mirror. But she just seems to want to eat and eat and eat. I don't want to restrict her if she's hungry and I offer healthy snacks etc but she always wants more. She has a sweet tooth and loves carby foods. She's pretty active - walks to and from school every day, does gymnastics, swimming and hockey on a weekly basis, is starting football too, and we go for lots of walks. Puddings and treat foods are restricted to weekends, she doesn't have sugary drinks aside from fruit juice in the morning, but I can often tell after a weekend of having a few treats her weight has increased.

What I struggle with is how to help my son put on weight while also trying to help my daughter grow into her weight. When my son wants food outside of mealtimes, I let him but then my DD also wants something and she doesn't need it, she just wants to eat and she'll say it's not fair if he is allowed something and she's not. I've tried increasing his portion sizes but he will never eat beyond when he feels he's had enough and then my daughter will want to finish his plate! I try to get her to drink more water but she will argue until she's purple in the face that she's not thirsty she's hungry.

I admit I'm finding it exhausting and stressful. I just don't want this to be an issue for her.

Just put a "watch" on your thread OP and will try and come back tomorrow

What is a typical food day for your daughter?

I think you need to enlist your older children's help to help you with the youngest eating. For example they have treats but in secret in their rooms. Or some pocket money to buy treats in secret outside. And strictly healthy eating for "everyone " indoors

I'd say protein is your friend. Cereal won't help your 16yo and the carby stuff won't help your 6yo. Lots of eggs!

Make it clear to your children that they are different people of different ages and therefore need different things.
So they have age appropriate bedtimes presumably, and are allowed different freedoms - well food is just an extension of that. Fair doesn't always mean the same.
It's absolutely fine to say to the 6yo that she's not allowed the same amount of food as her growing teenage brother right now, but explain that when she's a growing teenager she'll be able to eat it then 😬 (maybe a long time to wait but you hopefully get what I mean!)

Could your cereal muncher be persuaded to swap to porridge. It's so cheap it's ridiculous and you can put all sorts in it. From the unhealthy maple syrup to a bog spoon of peanut butter. You can get packets of mixed seeds (Aldi does one) and I have three choices on my table in pourers.

Tell her he is much bigger than her, that's why he needs to eat more. Make sure his snacks are healthy foods she doesn't like much. Try to give him snacks when she is not around, e.g. after she has gone to bed. If he has a snack after training, just say. 'thjat's his after training snack. We can have one too if we run around for an hour. Shall we run around for an hour after school? That way you can encourage her to exercise too.

How sporty is your 16 year old? DD who's 17 can't eat enough either she swims x6 times a week and goes to the gym. She does eat way more protein then your son though. So she'll have scramble eggs on toast for breakfast or baked beans on toast. She makes pasta with chicken in for her lunch, but still needs to top up with protein shakes from time to time as well. Otherwise she's hungry.

I agree with explaining to your younger children that they need to eat differently as they are different ages and growing differently. This is a great way to explain to your DD why she can't eats much as her much older brother.

DD also does overnight oats, which is basically cold porridge. Not to my liking but she adds lots of stuff to it, like yogurt, peanutbutter, honey, cinnamon, chocolate chips, banana. What ever she fancies, it then ready for breakfast before her swimming season.

Thanks for replies. I will try and answer a few questions/comments. A typical food day for my DD looks a bit like this:

Breakfast: cereal/scrambled egg on toast/banana on toast/porridge, and small glass of fruit juice. Or a breakfast smoothie which is low fat oat milk, banana, Greek yoghurt, peanut butter, oats and ice whizzed together.

Lunch: usually school dinner so something like roast chicken/pasta bolognese/fishfingers and chips/jacket potato with beans and cheese.

Afternoon snack (at school): Apple

Drink will just be water through the day.

After school is when it goes downhill. She's always hungry when she comes out of school and asking what she can eat. I generally do a load of cut up fruit & veg with a few mini rice cakes and a drink of water. She'll eat but not drink and then say she's still hungry and wants more (generally wants crisps). I say she has to drink her drink and we have a battle over the fact that she's not thirsty, she's hungry. Then she'll drink her drink reluctantly and ask for crisps. I offer her something else like soup. No she wants crisps. I offer cheese and crackers. Nope she wants crisps. I give her a couple of crackers. She wants more fruit. I give a few more grapes. She wants a banana. It goes on and on and on and I get more and more stressed.

I sometimes give her dinner early to combat the snacking but it's not always practical with older kids and various clubs. And even if she has dinner early, I still get the demands for more food later.

Typical dinner might be: pasta of some variety/chicken casserole/fish pie/tacos/risotto/baked salmon with veg/sausage and mash. Sometimes a yoghurt for afters.

Then after dinner it starts again...I'm hungry, I want toast, I want cereal, can I have a sandwich etc. I don't get how she can possibly be hungry so I end up just saying she can have another piece of fruit with a glass of milk and trying to get her to bed as early as possible to limit the eating time but it is stressful. I want nice chilled out evenings not dealing with her constant demands for food and tears and shouting when I say no. It genuinely feels like all she ever thinks about is food and it really worries me.

Yep, we generally do do this, but it's the evenings. My son will come back from football and want something to eat and it is usually cereal then my daughter will appear and say if he's having cereal, can I have cereal/something else to eat. And if I say no because you don't need it, she starts crying that she's hungry and it's not fair blah bl as h blah.

I agree. I suggest it a lot to my son (he studies food and nutrition so he knows it too) but he just wants cereal. I'll offer scrambled eggs and he'll say can I have cereal as well! And as he needs to put on weight I let him!

And to other comments, you're absolutely right...I do need to be more clear and firm about why DS needs more than DD re. different ages, sizes, activity levels. And I like the suggestion of explaining that she needs to go and run around for an hour like him if she wants more food. She is just so stubborn and relentless with her demands, I feel exhausted by it.

Re. the porridge suggestion, he doesn't like it unfortunately. DD does and has it quite often for breakfast. I will try and be more forceful with the high protein food though.

I think you need to make it a priority to have dinner when DD gets home, at least she can have hers.

Can you cook in advance and then serve her when she gets in? DS can eat later?

I think you need to focus on more protein and fat for your dd, rather than carbs.

Fruit, crackers etc will not cut it

She'd been better with cheddar and an apple. Or rice cakes and peanut butter.

You could make lentil and veg soup - serve as a 'starter' before dinner. Really fills you up. Then a fruit course, then finally a dessert ( small, if requested)

It sounds like you are obsessed with your kids weights & comparing them. Your dd will most likely start shooting up in the next couple of years, the constant hunger could be in preparation for a growth spurt so I wouldn't start restricting her food, it is cruel when you have her siblings eating what they want.

I disagree with this statement. Being overweight in childhood has a strong correlation with being overweight or obese in adulthood. I studied nutrition too. Carbs are much easier to digest than protein. No wonder your son is craving them after football practice. Can you afford to give him money for a portion of chips on the way home? Greese covered chips are hardly a healthy food. However most cereals are ultra processd foods which are also unhealthy. If your son eats outside then your little one won't feel deprived. Her body has already lost the ability to tell her when she is is full. You are right to be concerned

Continue with the different food amounts for different ages/sexes. We have these discussions with my young son and daughter.
Think you need to look at the actual makeup of the food your children are eating. (Please ditch the oat milk - absolutely vile. Much better to put a spoonful of oats in the smoothie and a little bit of water).
Cereal is generally UPF so of little use nutritionally and can be addictive.
The through investigation by drs Chris and xand on BBC sounds is really worth listening to and several books/audio books about the dangers of UPF that are probably worth exploring.
It might also be worth getting some counselling with you and your youngest child to explore the food cycle/arguements you are both getting into. Possibly also a GP visit, maybe some blood tests to ensure her general health is ok and nothings being missed.
Good luck

That does sound an absolutely unhealthy obsession with food - is your DD neurotypical or are there any suspected issues? Has she always been this way or has school tipped the balance at all? Is it boredom - is she better out of the house?

Wrong on all counts. I'm not obsessed, but this is the subject of the thread hence me talking about it a lot.

Thanks to others for helpful comments or advice.

It's a good idea to make some lentil soup for her. She likes soup and I make a lot of it so will try and do something a bit more filling with lentils. And thanks for the suggestions for other snack options with more protein.

To the pp re. oat milk...she's grown up on it as used to have a dairy allergy. She's grown out of the allergy but still doesn't like cows milk so we stick with oat. She doesn't like any alternatives. I drink almond milk but she's not keen. She only has a cup a day.

Is your DD just in the habit of mithering for food?

I’d plan a good after school snack (half a peanut butter or cheese sandwich, or soup as suggested), keep going with your teas and broken record the “older kids, different needs” spiel.

Yes she is neurotypical; no concerns. She's always had a good appetite and a penchant for carby foods. But I guess it's only been in roughly the past 6 months (maybe longer) that it has felt like a battle every day. Yes she's definitely better out of the house but I can't do that every day due to 3 kids and lots of activities to manage. I do when I can though.

Is she just bored so defaulting to food? It could be that the crunch from fruit and crisps is providing sensory satisfaction, so needs replacing with something else. Explain this weekend that things will be different from Monday and that there will be no success from constant whining for crisps or snacks.

Fruit is unlikely to be filling her up, so maybe try the after school snack to be more protein rich. Then keep some leftovers and, if she wants food after dinner, she can have more of the same. It will soon sort out whether she is actually hungry, or just wants snacks. You could also speak with the school about how hungry she is and if she can have something protein for her snack such as nut free butter to dip her apple in (assuming nut free school). One of mine had breadsticks in the afternoon at school as he was coming out so hungry.

What is her fluid intake like? Is she mistaking thirst for hunger which can be a thing. I would try and get her to drink more even if that includes some fruit juices. It could be she's she's just not drinking enough, I know ill do this myself sometimes.

In that case I wonder if a good old grey rock, ‘asked and answered’ routine might work, along with more protein-rich snacks after school - if it feels like a battle you need to stop engaging with it. So provide the food (hummus/peanut butter/cream cheese plus rice cakes/crackers & fruit/veg sticks, or soup & bread etc), answer once only about more snacks (‘you need to wait until tea time now DD’) and then when she mithers just say ‘I’ve already given you the answer, DD’. Repeat as required!