How to manage my kids' different dietary needs

[CoffeeChocolateWine]

I'm wondering if anyone has any advice on how I can better manage my DCs' diets.

I have 3 DC aged 16, 12 and 6. 16yo is a decent eater now, not that fussy anymore, but has a sweet tooth and eats a ridiculous amount of cereal, and fairly often gets up in the middle of the night to eat cereal. The vast majority of the time, I cook good, well balanced meals with lots of protein and carbs, appropriate portion sizes, but the cereal thing has become a habit. Despite this, he is bordering on underweight. He's very tall, very sporty and clearly very effective metabolism!

12yo is naturally very slim - eats well and has never been fussy. But I sometimes feel her portion sizes are quite small. She's healthy and quite health-conscious. Her weight is in the normal range but lower end.

6yo is overweight. She's not fat but she is in the overweight category. She was a massive baby (almost 10lb) and has stayed on the upper centiles. I'm really trying to manage her weight as I don't want it to be something she is conscious of and I already see her looking at her tummy in profile in the mirror. But she just seems to want to eat and eat and eat. I don't want to restrict her if she's hungry and I offer healthy snacks etc but she always wants more. She has a sweet tooth and loves carby foods. She's pretty active - walks to and from school every day, does gymnastics, swimming and hockey on a weekly basis, is starting football too, and we go for lots of walks. Puddings and treat foods are restricted to weekends, she doesn't have sugary drinks aside from fruit juice in the morning, but I can often tell after a weekend of having a few treats her weight has increased.

What I struggle with is how to help my son put on weight while also trying to help my daughter grow into her weight. When my son wants food outside of mealtimes, I let him but then my DD also wants something and she doesn't need it, she just wants to eat and she'll say it's not fair if he is allowed something and she's not. I've tried increasing his portion sizes but he will never eat beyond when he feels he's had enough and then my daughter will want to finish his plate! I try to get her to drink more water but she will argue until she's purple in the face that she's not thirsty she's hungry.

I admit I'm finding it exhausting and stressful. I just don't want this to be an issue for her.

Does she eat much of her school lunch? I remember one of the dinner ladies from my DD’s school telling me the kids ate very little of what was given and they were not allowed to ask the kids to eat more. If she’s not eating her school lunch she could genuinely be really hungry when she gets home.

I ditch the fruit and rice cakes and go with sandwiches or something more filling for her after school snack.

Just a warning.

i have an eating disorder due to a very similar situation.

i was the fat child, my sister was the thin one. She was allowed to eat whatever she wanted, where as I was always told no. No seconds, no pudding, don’t be greedy.

it was never spoken out loud that I was fat, but oh I got the message.

how can you possibly tell that after a “few treats on a weekend” her weight has increased. Unless she’s had 20 mars bars it isn’t possible to gain visible weight in one weekend.

btw I wasn’t even overweight. I was just solid compared to my skinny sister and perceived as “big”. I did a lot of sport and was permanently starving, but always had my food restricted.

I will always see myself as big. Even in the depths of my ED I thought I was big and clumsy. I was a dancer ffs.

This sounds counterintuitive but I think you need to do a much more substantial afterschool snack so you can head the grazing and asking for more snacks off at the pass.

what does she do with her time after school? She may also be grazing out of boredom - does she go to any clubs or activities?

Thanks for the all the suggestions and advice. I'm taking it all on board and will implement some changes.

In answer to a few points...I do believe that maybe in part it is due to boredom, or it could have started that way and now it's habit maybe. She comes home from school and her brain switches to food.

My gut feeling is that she frequently mistakes thirst for hunger and I really try and get her to drink more. But she is very stubborn and will argue and argue that she is hungry not thirsty. And I have explained to her that sometimes this is something your body can't distinguish between the two so we need to make sure she's drinking enough and she will tell me that I'm wrong and she isn't thirsty she is hungry. I will tell her she's not having anything else to eat until she's had a glass of water, so she will down a glass of water and then ask what she can eat.

I think the pp who suggested grey rock is right but it is hard. The child does not give up!! I've tried distraction too btw and it will work for a few minutes and then she'll ask about food again. As I said previously, it seems to be all she thinks about.

Clubs/hobbies...yes she does. She does a couple of arty clubs and exercise-wise she does swimming, gymnastics, hockey and recently started football. She also goes to a childminder twice a week (and the childminder has made similar comments about her eating).

Thank you for sharing this and I'm sorry for your experience. This is my fear, truly. I have watched two of my teenage nieces struggle with eating disorders and I don't want it for my DD. This is why I am asking for advice on how to manage it when I have one overweight child and two underweight/bordering on underweight children. I don't want any of them growing up with food issues but I very much see it as my job to manage it.

To be clear, I do not restrict her eating. But because she doesn't appear to know when to stop eating I do try to keep it healthy and/or low calorie (fruit and veg sticks/rice cakes). After some of the comments here, I will change my focus to making it high protein to fill her up.

At mealtimes, I never treat my children differently in terms of what they can eat. I would never allow one child seconds and not the others. I don't let my older children have pudding but not my youngest. Treats and puddings are at weekends only for the entire family (although my older kids catch the train to school and I know they sometimes buy sweets). But my DD does get upset if her portion size is the smallest (and this is about her age - she is 6, my older two are 12 and 16) and moans that it's not fair.

The issues emerge between meals. My son is 16 and will come into the kitchen and help himself to food, DD's ears prick up and she'll want the same even though she doesn't need it. This is when I offer her fruit as at least it's healthy but she'll want the cereal and I have to say no because it will be an hour after dinner, she hasn't just been doing sports like DS and I don't believe she is hungry.

I never talk about her weight or size in front of her. We are very careful to talk about making good choices and what foods are good for our bodies and will make us healthy and strong. But I do see her looking at her tummy in profile, she has made comments about her big tummy and I feel guilty about it. I am probably exaggerating when I say I can tell she's put on weight over a weekend...it's more that I can see her tummy is slightly bloated when she's been having a few treats over the weekend. But certainly after our 10-day summer holiday, when we did relax, eat out a bit, have more ice cream than usual, her clothes were noticeably smaller which was not the case with my older two. It is certainly true that my older two DC can eat what they want without worrying and when my youngest does that she puts on weight more easily.

Also to add, she is not fat but she is in the overweight category. But I do need to take control of it. She is 91st centile but she was born on the 98th centile. As a baby she was still expected to follow her growth curve like every other child and it was seen as positive that she was following her expected curve. Then at some point, I don't know when, because she's still on those upper centiles her weight has become concerning (according to NHS) and she is at risk of being an overweight adult. She carries weight on her thighs and bottom and has a protruding tummy, just like she did as a baby. She does not have a bloated face. She's beautiful, she healthy and she's active.

Is there a website which might help show the different food needs of a 16 yo boy and a 6 yo girl? Maybe seeing this would help convince your daughter that your son needs more? I found this site here which shows calorie needs - but maybe she’s a bit young to understand calories and it’s a very reductive concept anyway.

I would go with the grey rock approach. Decent snack after school, then nothing till dinner. No giving in. Not even a few grapes as that is a reward for all the mithering. It will be tough but explain to her this is the new rule and it’s not going to change.

Dinner portion sizes according to age and activity levels. If that means your 16yo gets thirds and your 6yo gets one bowl then that’s ok. If she starts a club with lots of exercise then she gets another substantial snack/extra dinner as she’ll need it.

It doesn’t sound like her weight is particularly bad but the habit of constant wanting to eat is definitely something to address.