Co-Sleeping. Ignoring my wishes

[TuesdaysChildIsBloodyDifficult]

I want to caveat this with I'm 3 days PP, I've had 4 hours sleep, max and I'm really bloody emotional, and this is not a discussion about co-sleeping.

As stated, 3 days PP, with my 1st, my husbands 2nd.
I have always been very clear that I do not wish the baby to co-sleep with us. There was a tragic incident in the village where I lived when I was a teenager and it has stuck with me.

For background, DH's ex suffered with her mental health and didn't/couldn't seek treatment so care of DSD was left to my now husband as she would often disappear out for days at time with mates. This, whilst giving me confidence in my DH having an idea of what he's doing, it's also given him an air of "I know what I'm doing" if that makes sense.

I first brought up co-sleeping when he said that his favourite memories were falling asleep with his DD asleep on his chest.
I explained my feelings and reasons and said that this was probably my one hard and fast No. But I did say that if the other parent was awake (for example this afternoon, I was awake, DH was napping with DC on his chest, I was in the room) it was a slightly different thing.

Tonight DC is not settling, my milk still hasn't come in, baby is hungry, and I'm beating myself up with Day Three Blues and feeling like I've starved my poor child. DH and I share a bed, DC in a moses basket next to the bed on my side. Baby is wailing, I'm trying to sooth, and wake up DH, who is snoring peacefully. I end up kicking him awake on the 15th attempt at asking him to help me because I'm REALLY FUCKING STRUGGLING. He gets up, picks baby up, walks around the bed, gets back in and puts baby on his chest. Tells me to go to sleep.

Am I being a dickhead or is he actively trying to upset me? We have had an incident earlier tonight where he had let me fall asleep with baby on me (I feel guilty, and I also asked why he didn't wake me/take baby as per my feelings) He said "it's OK when you fall asleep with the baby on you" No. It's not, I never said that! In fact I asked pre birth that he wake me or take the baby!
He then told me to stop stressing and that "it's fine".

But it's NOT fine. I'm terribly anxious about something horrible happening and he's just ignoring me.

Someone please talk rationally to me and help out an anxious FTM who's trying to keep her shit together on tea and custard creams.

It's really tricky. For my dc, sleeping on my chest was the only safe way to sleep. They had terrible reflux so sleeping on their back was effectively impossible (they would choke) and had regular sleep apneas so I needed to be in physical contact with them at all times to help regulate their breathing.

The whole 'no co-sleeping' as an absolute safety thing has been disproven, for many dc who can't regulate their breathing well sleeping with an adult is safer than in a cot. I understand your anxiety as I've had it too (my brother died of cot death, he was sleeping in a cot at the time), but parenting does have to be about reality rather than ideas sometimes.

Honestly OP sometime this is the only way a baby will settle. Your heartbeat regulates theirs. Your breathing assists them in breathing. I know you're a FTM and it's understandable but genuinely, apart from it being practiced in most cultures around the world, I just think it is bonkers to expect someone sleep deprived to stay awake when there is an obvious solution!
Sorry OP I know you're stressed!

Also you're milk is 100% in, colostrum is exactly what your baby needs right now!!
Don't doubt that!
You can do it!

You are shattered and also, rightly, concerned. As the new mum what you say goes so be lovely but firm with your oh on what you see as red lines and if he retorts that he knows what he's doing/has done before just simply reply with "it's making me uncomfortable and I'm sure you understand I need least stress and worry now so I'm glad you'll give way to me on this". Also use the midwife as back up if you need to and be sure to have some time for just you and her to talk, send him out of thr room to make the tea. Nothing prepares you for the first few days and weeks, the utter exhaustion can be debilitating so get what rest you can and look after yourself x

Please take a look at safe cosleeping rules. I know you're anxious, I was too and for me it was am absolute NO. But when I fell asleep with my newborn (about 3 weeks old) and had the longest stretch of sleep, I researched it ALOT and never looked back. I went on to cosleep with my 2nd and 3rd. happycosleeper on instagram is good and has lots of information, and alot on chest sleeping too which is what your husband did. Having a newborn is a really worrying time especially with your 1st, you think every spec of dust that hits their face will harm them, so I totally understand. In the same breath, do what works for your family, sometimes it takes trying a few different things to figure it out, and some things only work for a few days.

Walk with your dog and your boy?

You are three days after major abdominal surgery - just because the medical profession refuse to accept it because we are women doesn't change anything.

Seriously, a walk to the end of the garden or drive but no, let your mum and partner take baby and dog and go straight to bed

You need to rest, it is ok to rest. Whilst your mum is here sleep as much as you can, literally feed and sleep and recover.

With you DH I agree with asking the midwife to talk to him.

Co-sleeping isn't necessarily dangerous BUT co-sleeping is very different to falling asleep with baby on you. That is unsafe sleeping and hopefully the MW will help you to make it clear.

Congratulations, it gets better, but do not forget you have had major surgery.

Day3 was the worst from memory - adrenaline has worn off, milk isn’t it, baby blues. It gets better I promise. As PP have probably said, falling asleep with the baby on you is not co-sleeping and it’s not safe (unless the other parent is awake). There are however ways to safely co-sleep - and from my OTT research when I was awake 24/7 with my first, no baby has died from safe co-sleeping it’s the accidental falling asleep on the sofa etc which has the highest risks.
I didn’t co-sleep with my first until she was 10 months, but my second from day 1 (ironically she’s now better in her cot that her sister was). If you do it safely it will give you all the rest you need as at this age (most) babies won’t be happy in a cot, they want to be close to you and feel you - and I didn’t find the idea of shifts feasible (not least because a cluster feeding baby is unlikely to settle for long with dad anyway!). If you do decide to stick with the cot, try popping a hot water bottle in to warm it up before you put baby in, and sticking the cot sheet down your top during the day so it smells of you.
I promise it does get easier 💖

I found there was a lot of pressure to co-sleep from family and friends but I didn't want to as it isn't as safe. Thankfully DH thought the same. It is so very hard when people are telling you to do it though!

Look out for signs your milk is delayed, which can happen after a CS. My baby was like this on day 3 and it turned out my milk wasn't coming in so she was actually starving. My milk didn't come in for several weeks. Once she was properly supplemented sleep was a lot better and she was content and happy - slept in one of those cribs tucked up right by the bed so next to me but separate.
fedisbest.org/resources-for-parents/know-risks-delayed-onset-full-breast-milk-supply/

Has your baby been weighed? There should be a day 3 weigh in. Mine had lost more than 13% by day 5 which is really dangerous but we weren't offered a day 3 weight check.

This. Life will be easier and you will all get more sleep. You won't feel anxious as you do now. Good luck.

Oooh Day Three is a bleak one. Promise it gets easier as time goes on - you're clearly doing a brilliant job so far.

Even if you don't opt to use it, highly recommend learning about safe co-sleeping, and safe 'chest sleeping' too. While it's not ideal, there are better ways to do it, and frankly for us if we hadn't let our baby sleep on us, none of us would have slept at all...

For me personally, being a parent has taught me that sometimes you need to let go of your pre-baby expectations. They rarely get the memo about what you want, and sometimes it's easier to roll with it.

He should be listening to what you are saying. I agree with you, I followed all the safe sleeping advice and ended up nearly suffocating my child with my chest - luckily my husband was awake and woke me up.

My milk never came in sadly, we topped up with one of those tiny pre-made bottles and I found they slept a lot better with a full tummy.

I coslept with my daughter from 3 weeks to 2 years and my reason for cosleeping with her because I was at risk of accidentally cosleeping with her on my chest which I absolutely did not want.

There is a big difference between cosleeping safely and falling asleep holding the baby. I would not be happy if my partner was putting himself in a position where he was likely to fall asleep holding her on his chest or on the sofa or in a chair. He would feel the same about me. I would be very hesitant to leave my baby with a parent knowing that accidental and potentially unsafe cosleeping could happen willingly

I was nervous about cosleeping. I tried it first for a nap in the same room my partner was working from. On a double bed with no covers. There is a massive difference between doing this and falling asleep on the sofa. You need to get some sleep and you need to have faith that your partner is going to respect your wishes about safe sleeping practices. I fear that without the latter you aren't going to get the sleep you need.

When do you next see the midwives? It might be worth talking to them and having them explain to your partner how risky it is to fall asleep with baby on your chest.

I co slept with my first two. Dh didn't want to with my third sp we didn't.

Just to be clear safe co sleeping is preparing the bed so it is safe for you to sleep next to your baby ie no quilt , pillows in the baby's way.

It is not passing out with the baby on your chest. Yes it has happened to the best of us when exhausted but it doesn't mean it's safe.

I wouldn't be keen on having my feelings dismissed due to his 'experience'

Also how old is his dc? Things are constantly changing and updating. I would be clear he parented how he chose. You will parent as a team.

It's not really about who's right or wrong - it's about the husband supporting the OP in these early, vulnerable days. What she says, goes, at least for the first little while.

Thank you all so much - you've all made me have a bit of a cry, in the nicest way. I was expecting to be "mumsnetted" but I feel like I can approach a conversation about this in a really proactive manner with some solutions and compromises.

Day 3 was horrible, but day 4 has produced a nap and I've pumped 30ml of milk, which I'm taking as progress. Baby is asleep in his moses basket in the living room and and tonight will be better.

Thank you all💐💐💐💐

I have never and will never co-sleep either. Babies will settle eventually without co-sleeping. If someone wants to do it, that’s their choice but don’t feel it is something you must do.

You’ve got this.

I don't know if this has been covered already op but how much you pump is not related to how much the baby is drawing from your breast. It's possible to EBF a plump baby but never manage to express much at all

This! Babies are much more efficient. Pumps are NEVER a true indicator of how much milk you have!
As a side note, I wouldn't pump if you do not need it

I agree, the only time it makes sense to express is if you're separated from your baby (eg when you return to work).

That's fine for you. The thing is, childrearing is usually just about doing the best you can.

Sleep deprivation brings its own risks, both for having accidents and mental health and relationships.

Before having a baby it's easy to think 'that's associated with sids so I'll never do it'.

But actually it increases risk slightly, dependent on how many other risk factors you have. You've got to balance risks and think what's best for you.

Eg if co sleeping means you get enough rest that you don't leave the oven on and burn the house down, it's safer.

And not all babies settle eventually. Some would go for hours and only sleep briefly before starting up again .

It’s one of the very few things I said I’d never do. Like I said, if someone wants to do it, that’s fine but it wasn’t for me.

I understand why people do it, of course I do.

This was my baby last night. I just couldn't understand what he needed from me, and he was a bit colicky and hearing him cry in pain for the first time broke my heart and I just didn't know what I could do for him, I have neve felt so helpless.

Sorry I know unsolicited advice is not always the one - mine used to get quite bad gas which made her colicky, bicycles would work but also a warm bath with a flannel on her belly and pouring warm water over it. It was almost like a rest bath and she’d come out a different baby - he might be a bit young (umbilical cord) but hold onto it and see if it works for you in a few days if needs be

@Nottodaythankyou123 he was trying to self soothe and his little legs... 🥺
I'll keep it mind for sure 💐

Fairly sure I spent more time bicycling my baby’s legs as a newborn than I’ve actually spent on a bike in my life 😂