Screamed at my poor baby girl and I feel so ashamed

[needtobeabettermum]

DD is nearly 9 months and her sleep has been awful since she went through the 4 month sleep regression at 3.5 months (she doesn't sleep for chunks longer than 3 hours max and is up anywhere between 5-12 times a night and will only settle by being breastfed, she will also only nap on me in the sling or being breastfed on my lap). It's impossible for me to have a break from her as she is so dependent on me for sleep and milk (she hasn't had a bottle since she was 6 weeks so I've no idea if she would take one now, also I really don't want to stop breastfeeding as getting it established was really hard for us and I'd really like to continue).

Anyway, today I just snapped and screamed at the ceiling while DD lay on my lap after fighting her nap for 90 minutes. She was obviously frightened by my outburst and she did the type of awful cry where she has her mouth open but no sound comes out for the first few seconds, followed by an enormous cry with big fat tears running down her cheeks. 😭 I feel so terrible that I frightened my poor baby girl so badly and I hate myself for not being able to control myself. I managed to calm her down and she's now asleep on me in the sling but I'm frightened at how I lost control. She's the light of my life and I can't believe I screamed at her, I feel so ashamed of myself. 😭

I just don't know how to carry on with things being as hard as they are at the moment. I'm struggling so much with the tiredness and never having any physical or mental space from her (because she won't nap anywhere else). I feel like the worst mummy in the world, she is so amazing and deserves to feel loved and safe, not frightened by me screaming into the void. I don't really know what I'm hoping to get out of this post but maybe some reassurance that I'm not the only one this has happened to and that she will be okay.

Do you have any support? No family who can help? No father? You sound exhausted. There are support groups for parents, you could try Gingerbread to see what's in the area.

Can you ask your health visitor for advice?

@cupcaske123 I have a DH who helps as much as he can (he really is great and does so much to help in other ways - doing all the housework etc) but DD won't settle in any other way than being breastfed so there's only so much he can help in terms of my exhaustion. Thanks for the suggestion about Gingerbread, I'll have a look. I'm a little scared to talk to the health visitor, I'm worried they'll think I can't cope x

Are you doing it all alone? I night weaned mine at 6 months old, so even if yours generally uses breastfeeding to get back to sleep, she doesn't need to be fed 5-12 times a night at 9 months old, can someone else have a go at resettling? It will be hard to break the cycle but could be worth it so you are getting longer stretches.

Secondly, please don't feel bad. Your baby was scared by a loud noise you made. She would likely be scared by another loud noise. You didn't harm her. I remember being told if it's all getting too much put baby down somewhere safe and take a few minutes to yourself elsewhere. Letting baby cry or fuss for 5 minutes while you take a deep breath and remind yourself that 'this too shall pass' will not harm your baby.

I remember being sooo stressed about naps and sleep regressions. It feels like your whole world boils down to whether your baby is sleeping enough. It's really tough and you're not alone. Have you tried a sleep consultant? They do usually have some outrageously expensive package available, but might do an initial consultation for free or a more reasonable price. I did this, paid about £30 for a 30 minute phone call and got some really good advice without having to fork out for a £500 homestay package 🙄.

Good luck OP!

I did something like this when my daughter was around that age. You are most likely just tired and sounds like you will never do it again. I certainly didn't. Cut yourself some slack. There are none of us perfect. Your little girl is fine, and this tough stage will pass. Start tomorrow afresh. Take her out in the buggy to get her to nap, or the car. Maybe think about getting advice regarding a feeding schedule that would benefit both of you.

@reabies Thank you - we've been thinking about potentially contacting a sleep consultant but have been nervous as they are all so expensive. I'll look and see if any of them offer consultations for free or at a lower price x

@Horsesontheloose Thank you. Unfortunately she won't sleep in the buggy (she just gets herself worked up and eventually starts screaming when she is tired in there) and I can't drive so I can't do either of those ☹️ I will do some research for who might be able to help with a schedule for us. Just feel like such a failure that I need help, like every other mum has it all worked out as they can get their babies to sleep well at night and nap independently and I just can't.

You are not a failure at all. Lots of people have babies who haven't read the manual when it comes to sleep! Negotiating the baby years is incredible tough, their only means of communication is their cry and it can be so hard when you can't quite figure out what it is they want you to do. My first was an easy baby, my second? Well let's just say that he' d have been an only child if he'd been my first!

your daughter will be ok.

I used Julia fensom sleep consultant. I think it was £180 but baby has been sleeping in cot and through night since being on the plan.

@Ratfinkstinkypink Thank you so much for being so kind. It just feels very lonely as all the other mums I meet at groups have babies who sleep amazingly and they all seem to be so put together etc whereas I'm so exhausted that it's a big deal if I brush my hair that day 😂 I'm just so tired all the time and feel like everyone is managing and I'm not x

@lucya66 thank you so much for the recommendation xx

Honestly this is a million miles behind me now but you are doing a great job. 9 months is so tough! Where's the break? You are doing everything to make her feel safe and loved and meeting all her needs. She was stunned, I'm sure, like she would be if you yelled out in pain stubbing your toe or similar. Please be kind to yourself. Your love for your baby is so clear

@thisisalongdrive your comment made me well up. Thank you, I am trying my best, it's just so hard at the moment xx

Also here to say, it’s ok! I’ve also got annoyed in similar circumstances then felt awful after.

Fussy babies like that are haaaaard. My son was (and still is at 17m) a bad sleeper. When slinging and co-sleeping you just don’t get a moment to yourself - it’s tough but you’re doing amazingly to keep it up.

if you haven’t tried it already, I’d recommend the Huckleberry app to monitor wake windows. At that age I also finally got my baby to nap in a cot with a little work. It does get easier. Even though my boy still sleeps poorly overall he’ll now at least nap in the pushchair (even after it stops moving!) and I can transfer him onto the sofa, these little things make so much difference.

You feel terrible about it, which is good. We've been there. So, so tired and in despair. The emotions building, too frayed to contain it anymore.

Don't fret. But you've got a hard thing to do next. Separate from your child.

Your kid needs to be able to self soothe and go back to sleep. They need their own room with a secure cot. They're 9 months old so they're in no danger and also too young to escape. So put them down in the cot, give them a loving hug and a kiss and back away. Close the door. Get into bed. Pop in a pair of ear plugs and go to sleep.

Mine was like this. I exclusively breastfed for 4 months and then started on bottles as he was clearly hungry and I didn't have enough to satisfy him, plus it meant others could help which I desperately needed.

Whilst breastfeeding he was incredibly fussy, couldn't sleep in a cot, buggy in fact the only place he would settle was attached to me. It was horrendous. Bottle feeding did indeed solve a lot of those problems.

At 9 months though, what is your daughter eating during the day? How often do you breastfeed? It sounds like she has become reliant on it and as much as you don't want to stop, for your own sanity, perhaps it's time?

@Sylviasocks thank you - it's nice to know that even those with fussy babies have found things get better over time. I think just having her being able to nap not on me would make such a difference for my mental health. I've been very scared to try and change her behaviour though as I struggle a lot with her crying and I'm not sure how I'd mange to stick to a different method of settling her if she was crying lots and I'm here with her on my own during the day. If I wasn't so tired I'd probably have the mental reserves to cope but because I'm so tired I just want to do whatever works for her, but obviously it leaves me exhausted

You need to sleep train her.

check out the just chill mama instagram page there are affordable courses that are self guided that I used for my now 3 year old and we sorted her sleep out at 7 months

I was about to be tipped over the edge at that point from lack of down time

I’ve got a second baby now and have followed the sleep course from day 1!

I hope things get better soon

@Redwood48 I'll be honest she's not hugely into her solids - we've just upped her to three meals a day (she's only just over 8.5 months) but she doesn't eat much of it. I'm trying my best to try and feed her solids 1.5 - 2 hours after she's had a breastfeed to ensure she's hungry enough but she doesn't eat loads. She was on the 9th centile for months when she was little bit since starting solids she's been steadily going up and now she's on the 38th centile so I think she must be doing okay calorie wise but I am a little worried that she's not massively bothered about solids x

I have been in your shoes - fed to sleep association, up 6-12 times a night on average, glued to your baby 24/7. It's incredibly mentally taxing - to put it mildly!

Get a sleep consultant. Your HV may have one available at your local hub for you to have a chat with someone on the NHS. If not, pay someone. Or find a friend who's gone through this - my sister had (and still has) awful sleepers and we used the same sleep training program. It's invaluable just being able to talk to someone who knows!

Once you break this feed to sleep association, your child will sleep better and you will be able to provide better care because you won't be a zombie.

It won't always be like this 🌸

Don’t be too hard on yourself, OP. Motherhood is hard at the best of times!! My son was a chronic contact napper and breastfeeding fiend. He refused bottles from 2 months and absolutely would not settle for anyone but me. At the age your little girl is now, he was still nursing a lot and we always nursed to sleep for naps and bed. Sometimes he would unlatch and sometimes not. It’s A LOT! And seeing other mums having nice relaxing lunches or reading a book or whatever while baby napped in their cot was like salt in the wound. I wish I could give you a magic fix but for us, it all happened very naturally when our son dropped to one nap just after his birthday. He was so tired by nap time, that I could transfer him once asleep and he wouldn’t wake up. To move away from nursing to sleep, I started pushing it further and further away from nap/bed and then rocking to sleep. First day 5 mins before (while talking to keep him awake), then 10, 15 etc. The first week was tough. He cried and wriggled a lot. But now, he’s asleep pretty quickly. I put my headphones in for the whole process, which I find helps distract me and keep my cool on the hard days. Best of luck 💕

Aww OP a lack of sleep will eventually make anybody get to this point. My Mum said she screamed at me once as a baby when I wouldn't sleep - she's always been brilliant and I have no memory of it!

If you feel like you've tried everything can you find a sleep consultant that aligns with the type of approach you'd want to take? Not all of them advocate for crying it out so you don't have to do that unless you want to but things are so much easier when you get enough sleep.

I did controlled crying - took 3 ish days, in and out of the room every few minutes (no more than 5 minutes). Had to repeat after illness where he'd come in with us or we'd sleep next to him but that only took a night. Now I lie with my DS till he falls asleep (30 minutes max) and we talk and listen to lullabies until he goes off. I'm a much calmer/happier person with sleep and I don't regret it one bit but I know others have strong opinions and there are plenty of other approaches that are worth exploring.

We all have these moments.

Learn from it. It frightened you as much as your baby so you need to develop strategies to stop your emotions escalating to that level

Hi just to say I have been there. Don't worry you aren't a terrible mum in fact you are doing amazingly just by responding to her needs. Also while it is fine to look for ways around this all e.g. sleep consultants, wake windows etc I also give you permission to just carry on as you are and know it will get better eventually. I had two very hard babies one that was a screamer (had silent reflux) and another who only slept when breastfed and was still waking up regularly well into her 2nd year (still does sometimes now at 3 but much easier to get back to sleep). I have tried everything (except cry it out) and nothing really worked all that well other than time and realising that you aren't alone. Some babies are just like this. I recommend the facebook group The Beyond Sleep Training Project (18) The Beyond Sleep Training Project | Groups | Facebook which helps with moral support and possible ideas. Try to give yourself slack and just rest as much as you can when you can and listen to enjoyable audio books etc - while it is awful you will eventually get more sleep!

You can cope, you are coping. It's sleep deprivation like no other and it was just the loud noise that scared her so don't work yourself up too much about it.