Screamed at my poor baby girl and I feel so ashamed

[needtobeabettermum]

DD is nearly 9 months and her sleep has been awful since she went through the 4 month sleep regression at 3.5 months (she doesn't sleep for chunks longer than 3 hours max and is up anywhere between 5-12 times a night and will only settle by being breastfed, she will also only nap on me in the sling or being breastfed on my lap). It's impossible for me to have a break from her as she is so dependent on me for sleep and milk (she hasn't had a bottle since she was 6 weeks so I've no idea if she would take one now, also I really don't want to stop breastfeeding as getting it established was really hard for us and I'd really like to continue).

Anyway, today I just snapped and screamed at the ceiling while DD lay on my lap after fighting her nap for 90 minutes. She was obviously frightened by my outburst and she did the type of awful cry where she has her mouth open but no sound comes out for the first few seconds, followed by an enormous cry with big fat tears running down her cheeks. 😭 I feel so terrible that I frightened my poor baby girl so badly and I hate myself for not being able to control myself. I managed to calm her down and she's now asleep on me in the sling but I'm frightened at how I lost control. She's the light of my life and I can't believe I screamed at her, I feel so ashamed of myself. 😭

I just don't know how to carry on with things being as hard as they are at the moment. I'm struggling so much with the tiredness and never having any physical or mental space from her (because she won't nap anywhere else). I feel like the worst mummy in the world, she is so amazing and deserves to feel loved and safe, not frightened by me screaming into the void. I don't really know what I'm hoping to get out of this post but maybe some reassurance that I'm not the only one this has happened to and that she will be okay.

you mentioned her sleeping in the sling - how are you are getting her down/out from the sling without waking ? Learning that was a life saver for naps and difficult bedtimes! (I’m fortunate that once she goes to sleep she sleeps through but getting her down is sometimes a battle and a sling is still the one constant even at 3)

a bit left field but speaking to baby wearing peer supporters (I’m trained and would happily do a free call!) might help with the putting her down and keeping her snoozing!

I've been there with my first. Her sleep was just awful, I was so exhausted and down about it. I think it was just her as my second slept like a dream day and night. It did get better, for DD1 the toddler years were easier and 12 months was a real turning point.

My dd is 10 months and very similar. We've finally got it so I can feed her to sleep in the day and transfer her to her cot. She often wakes up 10 mins later though and thinks she's had a great Power Nap so is up again. My life is spent trying to get a baby to sleep and often failing! My dh can rock her back to sleep for the first wake up of the night, but sometimes she's up every sleep cycle, sometimes only 5 times a night. I'm back to work next week . In the night she ends up in our bed and I feed her back to sleep lying down as it doesn't wake me up fully. She rarely sleeps in the pram and just screams in cars. I too feel a bit of a failure when seeing mums pushing around their napping kid.

Also, when my older dd was a similar age I remember losing it when she was in her high chair and shouting at her to fuck off. Completely out of character and she looked so shocked and then of course I felt awful and gave her a cuddle. I still feel awful about that and it was 7 years ago but I just never slept, as she just screamed 24/7 due to silent reflux, and I think I was near a breakdown. She hasn't held it against me! Don't be too hard on yourself.

If your struggling this Much it would be better for the baby to stop breastfeeding and bottle feed formula. Your dh can take over the feeding sometimes and you can have a proper break.

Bloody hellfire.

I think rather than “need to be a better mum” you need to rethink your username! You’re being an awesome mum, doing everything within your power to give your little baby girl everything she needs and more. Youre just feeling overwhelmed and I would be surprised if anyone could take on all the challenges and changes that you are without having the odd moment where they want to scream or meltdown entirely.

there’s loads of great advice here already, I’m not sure I can add anything new but would definitely push you to reach out for as much help and support as you can get, and don’t forget that there’s no harm in popping baby in to crib for a moment while you walk away and scream into a pillow if you have to, better than screaming and scaring her then feeling like a horrible mum. It’s all just coping strategies isn’t it. And you’ll find yours, with regards to it all; sleeping, feeding, managing your emotions, and everything in between.

Hang in there, give yourself some credit. You’re doing amazing things, it just takes a little time and support to adjust to all the constant changes.

Hugs to you and little one 😊

Honestly, use a method of sleep training. I was the mum who said she'd never do that but was in a similar position to you and at my wits end. We did kind of a cross between Ferber (so going in to comfort her at increasing time intervals) and pick up/put down. It wasn't fun but after the second night she'd gone from waking up every hour to 1-2 times a night which was a huge huge relief. No bonds have been severed, she's now 3 and the most loving, thriving girl you could think of.

I snapped at my then 5 month old, he was going through a major regression and I was so tired and fed up. I was so upset with myself the days after and gave him extra cuddles and kisses up until now, being conscious not to do it again. Don't be so hard on yourself, we live and learn!

We've all been there. I remember screaming in to a pillow in desperation during one particularly bad night.

We had the worst sleeper, up every two hours, only settled with feeding or rocking, it was so hard. Out of nowhere, at 14 months she suddenly started sleeping through the night. We put it down to being responsive, meeting her needs, and giving as much reassurance as she needed.

I really recommend following Lyndsey Hookway on Instagram. She has some fantastic advice which shows how normal this all is - it doesn't ease how hard it is, but it helped me see an end was in sight. Also worth looking at habit layering - feeding to sleep while bum patting / rocking etc. It's an easy way to start getting baby used to new methods of settling.

Highly recommend the book Precious Little Sleep. Worth getting yourself a copy before forking out for a sleep consultant.

She is not sleeping because you have trained her to wake up by rewarding her with a feed 12 times a night!

.. and the reason she is ' not much into solids' is that you are bf her 12 times a night!! If you had a cup of cocoa every hour, would you eat big meals?

We all Lose it a little bit sleep deprivation is no joke mine is only 11 weeks and obviously I love her to bits but there are times when she won't sleep fights her sleep and I'm completely exhausted that I just barley hold it together . I'm reading the C.A.L.M approach and I'm going to start trying to sleep train her there's no crying it out involved but I can't keep going like this she only sleeps on me and fights her sleep but somethings even in the last week that have made a huge difference are :

Making sure she is actually tired enough I think I was to quick to try get her to sleep and she wasn't tired enough and then obviously spent ages fighting it

I look at her face when I'm rocking her to sleep if she isn't closing her eyes within 5 minutes I leave it go to a bright room and try again in 10-15 monute

I pay attention to her sleep signs rubbing eyes , red eye brows , red eyes

I'm actually really looking forward to finishing this book though and implement long it as I can't even leave the house she won't sleep in her buggy and if I take her out she gets over tired and the rest of the day is a write off . I'm reading the book on my phone while she has her naps I also bought a white noise machine which seems to be making a world of difference as well for the first time in 6 weeks she fell asleep and I was actually able to put her down .

Read information on the long term effects of you not sleeping...
I stopped bf during the night and our family became harmonious and dc a cherub.. No cio involved..

This is what I HATE about anything I've ever read online about baby sleep, 'just put them down drowsy but awake','you just need a routine', that's why I swore to stop reading anything about baby sleep by the time my first was 4m old.

If you're luckily enough to have a big ish pool of new Mum friends, who are honest, open and will REALLY tell you what's going on, you'll see that no, no-one has a clue - everyone's just winging it.

Routines and the likes are all very well, but they don't work for every baby (or mother). My 10m old has only started letting me put him down in the cot for naps THIS WEEEK. Honestly, it's driven me to insanity, especially with a 3yo running around.

So no tips, just solidarity and a hug x

P.S I'd steer clear of sleep consultants, anyone can become one and there's no regulation to the title as I understand. Also, I've been driven to the edge many times and have done EXTENSIVE research on it - you have to be willing to leave your baby cry with each and every technique.

Just came across this snippet in the sleep training book I'm reading mentioned below seemed very appropriate to this situation.

I nurse my 6 month old for naps & sleeps/night wake-ups. If I want to drop night feeding, what happens if they cry all night 🙈 it's easier said than done. I want to drop night feeds but he relies on me nursing to get back to sleep and I dread letting him cry it out. Anyone have experience with this?

Others have given you plenty of advice but I just wanted to say I really feel for you. Been there, screamed at dd1 when she was a baby and I was at the end of my tether, felt bloody awful, never forgiven myself but you know what? It's hideously difficult. See this as a warning sign for you to look after yourself too, none of us are machines and you need more sleep. X

Oh yes, been there! He's 41 now. I had to go back to work when he was 3 months old,that was the maternity leave then. Late shifts (nursing) the only thing that works getting him to sleep was bf, he was 14 months old! I would sit with him trying to eat a stone cold dinner, and was actually hallucinating! The pattern on the curtains was moving around, the ceiling light was swinging. I don't know how the hell I got through. There was no sleep experts then. But I survived, went on to over 3O years nights, very little sleep and had another one at 41 (second marriage)

I have been there. It led my my admission to a mother and baby unit at 10 months. She was up 5 times a night and I had treatment resistant depression and psychosis. I had to stop breastfeeding and she went on to formula. She still woke 5 times a night. She didn't engage with weaning until 13 months and wasn't gaining weight. It did mean my partner could help but the reality was she still preferred me.
She has severe silent reflux and multiple food allergies and went through a bad flare up at 13-15 months and went to waking hourly screaming for a bottle every time. With adjustments of meds we got her down to 1-2 feeds. She still could wake 5 times a night.
She's 4 now and has no drinks overnight and still when her reflux is bad wakes hourly. The method of feeding didn't change her wake ups because hunger wasn't the reason for waking. She was waking in pain and needed comfort.
We saw a paediatrician in January with wildly out of control reflux again. She was waking every 40 minutes and only sleeping in my arms. I was broken. Her paediatrician was concerned about my wellbeing and got in touch with my HV to see if she could provide some support whilst her reflux treatment was adjusted. I had had listening appointments with a previous HV and on both occasions found them helpful. I ended up having counselling with my HV and a lot of it was dealing with life with a child that has high needs.

I would reach out to your HV they are there to listen and might have some tips to adjust your routine. I did have a few conversations with a sleep consultant when she was 14 months. She came to speak at a post natal support group I was a member of. She had a tricky time with her mental health post partum. She gave a few tips but in the end we didn't go through with it as reflux treatment improved her sleep

Sleep is so complicated and feeding is just part of it. As a starting step I would probably start with some prefeed cuddles before giving a night feed to see if that can start to settle them.