Alcoholic ExH having kids overnight

[Alcoholicex]

I will try keep to the point.

ExH and I separated about a year ago. Long history of increasingly worse drinking, anger & in general being not a nice person to me or the kids.
He saw them (the kids) every 2nd weekend (his choice). 6 months ago he had a terrible car accident, really hurt himself, still physically recovering. Suspected drink driving, but the police can’t get the evidence to charge him. I supported him to get help, AA, etc. He made all the promises about not drinking anymore, and continued to see the kids as normal.
2 weeks ago he got caught driving over the limit. Immediate ban from driving. Says it was just 1 pint, but won’t tell me what his reading was.
I have now said that he can’t have the kids overnight until I know what his level was. He can do day visits (I’ve already taken them for a visit).
My reasoning is that I just don’t trust him, or his decision making. He has clearly lied for the last 6 months about being sober.

Hi thinks I am being unreasonable - am I?
I know he is their dad. And they worship him. But I can’t trust a word from him, and I’m scared. If the reading was really just over the limit I would believe him a bit more, but I suspect it’s probably far higher which is why he is refusing to tell me.

What makes you sure he won’t think during the day when he has the kids?

I wouldn’t let them go full stop…..excercise your PR and say no

I would not let him spend time with the kids full stop.

How old are your children?
Not that he's fit to look after them however old they are.

Nothing really. It’s just a shorter time. And not isolated in his house in a tiny village almost an hour away. Our visit was to an attraction, I dropped the kids there to him, and picked them up. He is a functioning alcoholic, maintains a job, and can go the day without a drink. But come 4pm….

How does he propose to see the kids given his driving ban? Can he come to get them on public transport? How old are they?

7, and almost 3

Lifts from family, they are 7 & almost 3

Hell no would he be seeing them. I’d force him through the courts. He is not responsible to look after a 2 yr old.

As an aside, keep an eye on the local paper to see if they print court proceedings. They may publish how much over the limit he was.

Do you trust his family?
Does 7 year old reveal what goes on during the visits?
If no court order you can dictate but he could go to court for contact depends how he presents

The reading doesn't matter, if it's one pint or ten. He's a lying alcoholic who was drunk and has been banned from driving, he shouldn't have the children without supervision at any time, let the courts decide safe visitation.

I didn’t even know that was a thing! I know his court date.

It's how I found out how much my ex was over the limit (and it was a lot).

I'm a bit surprised that your ex says he got an immediate ban. I didn't think that was a thing. I suspect there's a lot more to that story than you're being told (maybe he's wrecked his car?) but given how much alcoholics lie the chances are you'll never find out the whole truth.

He was arrested on the Friday night, and spent the weekend in custody, then straight to court Monday, then released with a temp ban pending a further court appearance next month. I believe this means he was waaaaay over the limit.

Ah, right. Yikes. He must have been absolutely muntered. My ex was about 2.5 times the limit but was allowed to keep driving for a couple of weeks before the court date.

You have my sympathies. Trying to co-parent with an alcoholic ex means that you're often having to try to choose the least shitty option out of a range of really shitty options. It doesn't matter if he thinks you're being unreasonable. Anything that highlights his drinking problem is going to irritate him because alcoholism thrives on secrecy. That's a him problem, not a you problem.

Your problem is that you have a duty of care towards your children. Absent a court order then if it means you have to limit, or even stop, visitations because of his alcoholism then that's within your rights to do so.

With my ex things got so bad that social services got involved. One thing the social worker said to me about how to look at the problem was "Would you drop your children off at a babysitter that you couldn't rely on to not get drunk?" That helped reframe the issue for me to make it easier to decide what to do.

Just stop contact and let him take you to court. I bet the piss head won't bother.

The poluce must have had good reason to pull him over and breathalyse him, of course it was more than one pint unless it was a mega pint.

Given he was charged and remanded for court - custody is a real possibility at this point. You aren’t remanded for court for being one pint over.

Have a look at here for sentencing guidelines;

https://www.drinkdriving.org/drink_driving_sentencing_guidelines.php#excess_alcohol

Also have a read of this; https://andrewstorchsolicitors.com/offences/drink-driving/

I want to draw your attention to this bit:
“Unless you blew over 120 (in which case the police will probably charge you and remand you in custody –i.e. back to the cell – to appear in court that very next morning) you will be bailed to come to the local court (often next door to the police station) about 4 to 8 working days or so later.’

If he blew over 120 starting point is 12 week custodial sentence.

Also YANBU - is it worth self referring to CSWS?

Thank you - I have been expecting a custodial sentence. He just thinks I’m being unreasonable connecting his ability to care for the kids safely to his terrible decisions.

I think he has enough court cases, and he won’t bother. Just sad that our eldest thinks Daddy is wonderful and asks daily when they will see him next.

Of course you are not being unreasonable. I hope he was just massively over the limit to be detained like that and hasn't hurt someone or worse. He sounds like he's in utter denial. I would be firm and say he's lucky to get day time contact where you can monitor his presentation before and after and if you have any concerns about his presentation you will ask him to do a breathalyser. Keep an eye out for anything during the day it sounds like he's getting worse and worse. Your poor son is going to be affected if he goes to prison. At his age it's reasonable to say you need to make sure everyone is safe and has a good time and that Dad sometimes has a drink at night and this wouldn't be safe. He will have noticed at his age. Has he never talked to you about it?

I wouldn’t trust him to safely look after a 3 year old. He’s lying to you but also lying to himself - I don’t think he’s safe.

My ex is very good at hiding it. He would be in the house with me all evening, and suddenly 4 cans in the recycling, but I never once saw a can in his hand. I think the time they spent together previously involved lots of screen time/tv, and visits to the park next door.