Alcoholic ExH having kids overnight

[Alcoholicex]

I will try keep to the point.

ExH and I separated about a year ago. Long history of increasingly worse drinking, anger & in general being not a nice person to me or the kids.
He saw them (the kids) every 2nd weekend (his choice). 6 months ago he had a terrible car accident, really hurt himself, still physically recovering. Suspected drink driving, but the police can’t get the evidence to charge him. I supported him to get help, AA, etc. He made all the promises about not drinking anymore, and continued to see the kids as normal.
2 weeks ago he got caught driving over the limit. Immediate ban from driving. Says it was just 1 pint, but won’t tell me what his reading was.
I have now said that he can’t have the kids overnight until I know what his level was. He can do day visits (I’ve already taken them for a visit).
My reasoning is that I just don’t trust him, or his decision making. He has clearly lied for the last 6 months about being sober.

Hi thinks I am being unreasonable - am I?
I know he is their dad. And they worship him. But I can’t trust a word from him, and I’m scared. If the reading was really just over the limit I would believe him a bit more, but I suspect it’s probably far higher which is why he is refusing to tell me.

I'm in recovery myself - another way to look at this is that alcoholics need to hit absolute bottom before they stand a chance of recovery.

One way to 'help' him is to ensure that bottom comes as fast as possible - so losing his kids / license / jail time might be the start.....

I might start by contacting The Police and see if they will give you any information or advice

Hi. I was in exactly this situation with ex H. Son was 3 and he was heavily drinking up until DS was 10, now sober for 8 years. I was worried like you and eventually insisted on supervised contact only and no driving . Yes he kicked off. Repeatedly putting it on me and I know how hard it is to try to stand up for yourself. Alcoholics lie about absolutely everything. I had my fingers very badly burned by leaving him overnight with grandparents and ex H on proviso that they supervised. They went to a neighbours bbq and exH downed a bottle of gin while DS was watching, he has never forgotten the trauma. He don’t see exH for a long while after. Please don’t give in to his complaints or threats. I eventually self referred to SS who were really helpful. They backed me on supervised contact. I told DS that daddy had an illness that made him unsafe and that made him think he wasn’t poorly . I was pretty upfront and honest because I had to be and DS (now 18) totally appreciates that now. Play the long game - kids may be upset now but my goodness they’ll be more upset or damaged if they see dad drunk, or are harmed in any way. Be strong, call SS for advice. Think about it this way - if you children come to harm in their dads care and you knew about the risk, you could be liable for neglect . It was that realisation that helped me to remain tough about it . Good luck x

I was a kid that wasn’t shielded from my father’s alcoholism. The time I spent with him through my childhood (he wasn’t ever sober) was awful. I know experiences vary situation to situation, but my father was repeatedly out of control when with me, driving drunk with me, all sorts.

I’d advise you to seek appropriate support for supervised visits only and a review of all access arrangements- if he doesn’t get a custodial sentence that is.

Your kids might hurt from missing their dad but that’s nothing on the reality of spending time with a parent who cannot care for them/is actively damaging their lives. I’d say you’re the one thing that stands between them and that, so hold your boundaries firmly and get official support. You sound like a great parent to be thinking about this - best of luck.

I thought the car crash was rock bottom, he has life long injuries that affect his mobility and physical scars. He was very close to death. He spent weeks in hospital. The Dr’s explained how his drinking impacted his physical health. But it obviously was not. Well done on your recovery!

@Alcoholicex sadly your kids are probably noticing more than you realise. Also in hindsight I look back at my 'functional' alcoholic Dad and there are so many screwed up memories I've had to make sense of. I had a period where I was a bit wild experimenting with alcohol etc and had to become virtually teetotal before I ended up down the same route. My older brother is a terrible binge drinker and it brings out a nasty and selfish side in him that is about the opposite of his usual character and he's the second most functional of the lot of us. My younger siblings have been more severely affected. I escaped because I saw the writing in the wall for my future, packed up and left at 16 and learned everything the hard way. Although to be fair we had other family issues.

You need SS to back you up. They can get the information if he won't disclose. They maybe even get able to get the information regarding his previous car accident.

Any updates you can share?

I have continued to stick to my original position. No kids overnight. I’ve facilitated a day time visit at a park. He still complains but I feel far more confident saying no, knowing that a bunch of random internet strangers agree.