Explaining dead grandparent to toddler

[Mufflette]

My DS has just turned two and has just hit the réalisation that his grandparents are his parents parents. He immediately assumed that "Grandad N (my stepdad) is your daddy!" and I tried to explain that no he's not I had another Daddy but obviously that didn't make the most sense and he moved on quickly anyway in a very toddler fashion.

But I know I will have to explain properly to him that his actual grandad died when I was not much older than he is now. I don't have a problem with being open about that, but how on earth do you do so in a way that won't make him think people might disappear and die whenever they get ill?!

If you've been through the same, what worked? I want him to know about my dad but how can I do that without making him worry? Or am I just projecting my own childhood issues on to him and overthinking it?

With the best will in the world why on earth does he need to know? I was nearly 30 before I knew Grampa was actual DM step dad. Totally irrelevant to me - he was my Grampa, blood or not!

Death is a difficult concept for any child to understand but they have to come across it at some point. However I don't believe that toddler is going to make the association between your age now and your father's age at death. I think you're overthinking this part of it.

We have this situation. Ds was around 3 or 4 when he became oddly obsessed with a deceased GP who he had never met.

We kept it quite factual and said GP had died when his heart had stopped working. We didn't want to be too vague about heaven (as he would have asked even more questions) or overly emphasize being ill or old in case he thought his other GPs would suddenly die.

It did work as it was quite straightforward for dc to understand, even if it felt a little jarring for me to say. He did ask some difficult follow up questions which we answered factually but briefly. If he asked how we felt about it we said we missed him but didn't dwell on it too much.

We tended to also redirect dc a bit by saying things like GP was great fun. He liked (football, buses, tractors etc other snippet about him) too just like dc.

It isn't easy to explain!

I disagree with PP. I'd think that OP wants her child to know her Dad as well as is possible. It's totally relevant to a kid's life.

There's a really good section I've just finished in 'it's OK not to share' - towards the end of the book, available on the kindle. It basically says stick to the facts and only answer the questions asked, but clarify what they understand first so that you can clear up misunderstandings.

Not when the kid is 2!!!

Just start now and they take it in their stride. My dad lost his mum when he was very young, I never made the link that I or my parents could die iykwim.

My eldest was two (nearly 3) when my dad died, we told her at the time and then had lots of questions. She's six now and still asks about him, and also knows about other family members who were lost at younger ages.

My youngest was a baby, she's 4 now and has a much worse grip on it but she knows my dad died, she just doesn't fully get what that means.

Just be honest, there's no need to shield them. Your daddy died, it was very sad but you have lots of lovely memories of him that make you had happy (or whatever works for you and your circumstances).

If you want to tell your DS, maybe you could start by showing him photos of you and your dad and talking about your memories. He might not ask where your dad is now, but if he asks questions, you could say something like: “Granddad got very ill. Not just a little bit ill like when we get a cold, but really, really ill. Sadly, he died so we can’t see him anymore, but it’s nice to remember him.”

If your DS seems worried, you could try reassuring him that you are all healthy and not going anywhere.

He might not ask questions. I was a lot older than two before I realised I ought to have two grandmas and two granddads, so where was Mum’s dad?

My grandmother was my mum's stepmum. To me she was my grandma. I feel as if I was always aware of it but don't remember being told, or anything.
No need to make a drama about it, just talk about it naturally in an age appropriate way.

There is a story called paper dolls by Julia Donaldson which explains that we lose things we love, and they become memories. With a 2yo this might help.

I have a 2 year old DD and my parents are both dead. When she’s asked about where my mummy and daddy are I’ve just told her that they’re dead and live in Heaven. Not sure what else I can say really! She’s seen photos of them and I just say they’re not here anymore. It remains to be seen if I’ve scarred her for life….

Why ever not? Both my parents died when I was young (not as young as you were OP) and now I'm dying too and will leave my two teenage sons behind. Death is hard but sweeping it under the carpet makes it even harder.

My older DS started asking about missing grandparents when he was about three. We were honest and factual. Said sometimes people get so poorly the doctors can't make them better. That some people believe in heaven, but I don't but that DS could decide for himself and that most people do not die so young. Every so often he would ask more questions and one day the realisation hit him that he himself would die but he quickly absorbed that and moved on.

At this age it is probably not essential that he understands about the step grandad v grandad issue. He's still very young and that deeper understanding will come in time.

It can be tricky explaining death to children of that age as many are simply pnot yet ready to understand it properly. My DD2 was just 3 when DH's Dad died and no matter how anyone tried to explain to her, she just didn't get it at all. I think it took several months to click with her. Before that she was convinced that he'd gone somewhere and would be coming back.

I'd leave it for now if I were you. Over time your DS will become more able to understand the true situation, but it's not essential just now, surely. He can just enjoy the grandfather he knows.

Dh and I both lost our dads when we were teenagers, so neither of our children have a grandad. We just said, they died before they were born so they never got to meet them. 🤷🏻‍♀️ It was a non-event. I wouldn’t overthink it, but I also think 2 might be a bit young for a child to understand and it will just naturally come up in conversation at a later point.

Sorry for the delayed reply, lots of really good thoughts on here that will help now and as he gets older. And thanks for the confirmation that I am overthinking it a little, it's quite reassuring!

I think I'll definitely go with telling him about my dad where it's relevant but not push why he's not here unless he asks, and will go with a minimal but factual approach to any questions as they come up.

We've had a few deaths in the family and just talk about people going over the rainbow , she understands they are no longer with us and gone to heaven, from about 4 years old. Doesn't seem to upset her too much, usually she just says oh that's sad and moves on quickly to the next subject.

My DH had a step Dad, my DS always called him Grandad, never knew any different, he was and always will be their Grandad. They were told he was DH’s step Dad once they understood, but there was no point telling them before. DH lost contact with paternal father so he was never mentioned.

With respect to those saying he doesn't need to know anything other than my stepdad as his grandad, sorry but really no.

He has a nice relationship with my stepdad and that's great, he will think of him as one of his grandads but I really want him to know about the other grandad he had who would have loved to have been a part of his life too.

Fully agree OP. I also don't think it's healthy to shelter children too much from death - they will be bereaved at some point in their lives and it's our job as parents to prepare them for that and give them the tools to cope when the time comes.

My parents are both dead, they died when I was a child. I've got a nearly three year old who hasn't really questioned it yet, but admittedly doesn't really have any contact with his other grandparents, either. He's very aware that other people have grandparents, and we say that mummy's mummy and daddy aren't here anymore if he asks, but he moves on quickly and has never really asked any questions about it. It's a very normal state of play for him.

I suspect we'll get more questions down the line and I'll talk to him about them then, at a rate that he's happy with. That feels like a fair balance of not forcing the information on him, but also making him aware of them so it doesn't come as a surprise one day.

I used 'age appropriate and need to know' for all such inquiries from my dc. Dead grandparents, periods, horrible neighbour etc.

My friends DC knew at 2 years old that their grandad had committed suicide (and how) when their mum was in her teens - utterly utterly inappropriate IMHO.

Toddlers can usually be satisfied with a quick, simple answer and can be directed to other subjects. Answer as appropriate but don't let your DC go into the nitty gritty, lead the conversation and steer it yourself.

I don't think anyone is saying that he never needs to know, just that at his age he still may be a bit young to fully grasp what the phrase "step grandparent" means and that it won't/shouldn't impact their relationship.

Of course you talk about your Dad to regularly, in age appropriate terms. He'll start to understand over time but that timeframe for children that age varies quite a bit.

My dc have 3 grandmas - they thought nothing of it at all until asking why grandma D didn't have a husband. Explaining that she and grandad D used to be married but now he's married to grandma B was a quick conversation and swiftly moved on! They know they have plenty of folk around them that love them, they don't need to know the ins and outs.

Meant to say, "of course you talk about your Dad to HIM regularly..." Sorry.

I dont recall.being told that my.grandfather had died I just knew. For my younger cousins it was just told as a manner of fact. This is granddad he died. I guess it was easier that our grandmother never remarried. However I also always knew my other grandfather had been married before our grandmother and that this woman had died . I learned later it was in childbirth but I was near a teen at that point.

Should be said I grew up in Scandinavia and I feel death is spoken about more freely there.

However for me we simply explained grandad died to dd3 whom wasn't born when fil died. As she grew and asked questions we answered them age appropriately.