NCT Group- Left out of group

[Willsoo]

Hi,

Just wondered, has anyone ever felt they didn't connect with their NCT group? Disappointed you didn't have friends for life? Would appreciate anyone's views on this- sorry it's a bit of a long read!!

I did NCT around 5 years ago now, with 8 couples so we were quite a large group. I know you shouldn't judge a book by its cover but I instantly felt like these weren't my type of people. We were the youngest couple, the only couple in our twenties, most of the women were 35 years plus, some had fertility treatment to conceive. These ladies had quite a bit of money, well educated, good jobs etc. I was from up north and they were all from down south. My husband, I could tell, wasn't going to get on with any of the blokes either. I tried to put all this past me however and found some of the women friendly. I could see how useful the group can be. My work colleagues told me how some of their NCT friends ended up being close pals, people they would go away with, so I had quite high hopes.

We did a few meals before the babies were born, a lunch, first aid class etc. When the babies were born people started meeting up for baby classes. My baby had colic/reflex and I found it all rather daunting, I often found myself hiding as I felt embarrassed when he screamed so I would sometimes hide indoors. They would take their 2 month olds swimming etc I thought I couldn't think of anything worse right now. Anyway March 2020 came and so did the dreaded covid. This meant we couldn't do any meet ups after all, also felt like the money we had spent on the NCT (which is far from cheap) was a waste of money. Anyway covid did it's thing and we communicated via whats app mostly. The group was useful being a first time mum but did feel quite judgey at times. When we were allowed to start meeting again, clicks in the group definitely started to form. I felt like I wasn't in them. Part of me understood as two of the girls already knew each other, most of the women had girls and only 3 of us had boys, but I did feel disheartened in thinking that they had never given me a chance. One lady in particular I could tell really didn't like me. She would cut me off when I would talk at meal times, wouldn't often acknowledge me, made me feel very uncomfortable if I'm honest.

A few years later, I found out I was pregnant with my second child. I didn't even feel comfortable telling the group, especially the lady who I clashed with, she had ivf to conceive originally. Time went on and other women in the group started to announce they were pregnant, probably the women I felt like I would connect with, closer to me in age. We formed a second whats app group so we could do some things together, esp as we missed out last time due to covid. This time around felt better as it was a much smaller group. I could do things with these ladies. I was starting to call some of this group friends. Sometimes they did do things like buggyfit etc where I didn't feel comfortable in doing plus didn't want to pay the ridiculous price.

As time went on I felt like I was getting more and more left out. I wouldn't attend the monthly dinners for various reasons and no one would ask after me. I found I got into an argument with the lady I clashed with and it was difficult. I went back to work before the others did with our second and not once did any of them ask me how I was, how my baby was, how my job was going. The whats app group also started to go quiet and I was convinced they had set another one up without me in it. Long story short we decided to move up north. Not because of this a lot went into the decision but I was disappointed and felt let down that none of the girls reached out to me. Still to this day I have heard nothing from any of them.

Had a similar experience. They were all young professional couples, we were a bit older, my DH wasn't working so I was the breadwinner. Went back to work after 5 months, they were all having a year off etc. I'm not friends with any of them now, 5 years on. But I've made other friends, so I really don't care anymore.

Sorry that sucks OP.

NCT groups are famously intense. I do still have some nice friends from mine but only a few of them are proper friends in the sense we talk about everything.

I do think Mum friends can be a bit like work friendships where they don't always last after proximity goes. I see much more of the half of my NCT group who have the same days off as me so we can do activities in the week. But I'm not sure if we moved I'd keep in touch with all of them loads even though we get on well.

I’m on mat leave now and had a really similar experience of just not fitting in/clicking with any of the other couples in my group. Thankfully I’ve ended up making a couple of other local mum friends from other baby classes which has been great. Hope you’ve found some new friends in your new place OP 🙂

Our NCT died a death before our babies turned 1, though it was never very active anyway. Few meets up and I think some paired off and formed friendships outside of the NCT, mostly due to close location. I never really clicked with any do I was too bothered, just a waste of money in my eyes 😂

It sounds more like a friendship of convenience rather than a genuine bond from what you describe.

I am very close to by NCT group 9 years on but I can honestly say the true friendship started after the first year. We met weekly (or more) during the first year because the company of someone in the same boat kept us feeling sane. Once we went back to work and started meeting without the babies, we actually got to know each other rather as individuals. I’m ashamed to say I didn’t even know half their surnames or jobs before this as it was all parenting and babies. I really feel for all those who had to do it through Covid as they missed out on getting to know others and then also had to navigate differing opinions of the pandemic on top (which in itself came close to damaging our established friendship). Then all the rules on how many can and can’t meet which no doubt would have caused ill feeling somwhere

In your situation, I would see this the same way as some friendships with work colleagues - close when you have the common ground but hard to maintain after.

Go out to classes/groups etc to get to know others where you are, you sound lovely and I’m sure will make some wonderful friends who value you

My NCT group was invaluable for the first year or so, but it tailed off after that and we were definitely not in touch after the first couple of years. I think it's great for early stages when you have no idea what you are doing, but quite normal for it not to last

felt like the money we had spent on the NCT (which is far from cheap) was a waste of money
Did you really not get anything from the classes at all? I found the classes extremely helpful particularly re breastfeeding which was barely covered on my hospital anti-natal class.
Our local group also organised helpful extras, baby yoga, swimming, new to you sales, bra fitting etc. and they were low cost or free.
I walked into the NCT group and immediately felt there was no one I would click with, but I was lucky enough to be proved wrong and met some good 'mum friends' for a couple of years and one 'bestie', who I meet up with, sometimes alone and sometimes with our DH's many years later.I must agree there were some couples who I didn't have much in common with but, by attending some of the other activities everyone found some supportive friends.
Covid must have made things far harder though. I hope you find some great mates in your new area.

The only thing you all have in common is that you had babies around the same time. Covid certainly didn’t help. Even with something as enormous as becoming parents together, lives move on and people change. And the children form their own friendships as they get older.

I expect that part of the issue is that you’ve not wanted to do lots of the things they do. Eg the taking 2 month olds swimming, buggy fit, meals out. There’s no obligation to do things just to please others, but if you don’t do them you miss out on part of the group bonding and people think, rightly or wrongly, that it’s because you don’t want to see them - particularly if you don’t attempt to act as organiser for other things. I expect that of the tightly bonded NcT groups, many are still friendships of convenience and circumstance.

Please try not to take it personally. It’s not that they don’t like you!

You say you’ve moved now, so I wouldn’t give the group a second thought and concentrate on forming new friendships with nice people where you live now which will last the test of time.

My nct group didn't even last 6 months! No idea if the others are still in contact. One mum reached out to me because we met again at a baby group and she lives in the next village but not herd from her since Feb this year. I got impression they all had lots of friends and support so didn't need new friends. The man's group was more active but my DH didn't like the other men amd felt awkward so he left

Hi. I felt on the fringe of mine, was the least well off and a smaller group of stay at home Mum's broke off after mat leaves ended. I don't think it's uncommon.

Similar experience here in some ways. I felt left out. I had issues with breastfeeding and was ashamed of this. Then ashamed that I was too tired for baby yoga/swimming/whatever. They’d all be wearing makeup when we met and in early days I’d not even brushed my teeth. They’re all very rich which shouldn’t matter but I just found it a bit cringe - didn’t want them to come to my house cos it wasn’t as big, I don’t have a cleaner etc.

My DS was born just as covid hit our group didn't last after babies were born as no-one could meet up. I was disappointed at the time as had no local mum friends but not bothered now, pregnant for 2nd time and was tempted to do classes again just for the group but won't.

Yep, similar experience here. Didn't really get along with them and it was made much more intense by COVID and the fact that I wasn't meeting anyone else through baby groups etc. on my baby's first birthday I was incredibly upset when none of them wished her a happy birthday on the group chat.

4 years down the line it's like a distant memory. I don't care any more. Just because they gave birth at a similar time to you doesn't necessarily make them nice people or people you get on with.

I think a lot of what you describe is not necessarily them deliberately excluding you, but you feeling like you didn't want to go, so not going, so not sharing in part of the group bonding. 8 couples is a lot, there's bound to be some who get on better than others, and that's not your fault or theirs.

I know some people find friends for life in NCT - I'm 40 and my parents are still friends with NCT friends, though that was helped by them being in a small town and most of us kids going to the same primary school. I think your experience of a group that meets up through mat leave and then drifts apart is far more common. It's certainly what happened to me. Two of our couples were from Germany and moved back there, and I've not seen the rest of my group since going back to work in 2017. I didn't go to classes with my second.

My NCT group was a wonderful support in my first pregnancy and mat leave. The classes are great preparation. I even stayed friends with some who had similar aged second dc but there was only a few of us. The dads never bonded. It was 14 years ago when it was mainly a mum group.

The friendships petered out once dc all started separate schools. Some people moved away. I still know one couple but we've not seen them for over a year.

I think expecting friends for life is too much pressure. Someone to go through the birth and first year with is more accurate.

Life with dc is busy and you can't expect that everyone forms a massive cohort of friends and keeps up for years. Friendship is about quality not quantity.

I think it's just pot luck the group you get.

I did it and the only thing we all had in common was we all had babies around the same time. We were all on different wavelengths all from different backgrounds and really after our babies were about 6-9 months the WhatsApp group died a death and that was it.

On the other hand my friend who had a baby the year before me had a great NCT group and now 5 years on are great pals who holiday together and everything.

I hope in this time you have made some other good friends? I can understand your disappointment only because of how some people rave about NCT and the "friends for life" thing. I'm in my early thirties with two children aged 6 and under and a third on the way. I have plenty enough friends, both from before and after I had DC1 in my twenties. We never even considered NCT due to the cost. My friends are from sixth-form, childhood family friends via my parents, workplaces, university, an old app called Mush (I think Peanut is the new equivalent?), local baby/toddler groups, friends and partners of existing friends and so on.

I lived in an area where they weren't really a thing so it was never a concept or something to miss.

Surely it's just luck whether you get on with a random group of couples whereby the only commonality is that you are having a baby.

I wouldn't give it any more headspace - it's a nice to have if by chance you click not a necessity in life. You've not 'failed' in any way.

Same. I did a ‘refresher’ NCT so we all already had at least 1 kid, I was 27 and the others mid/late 30s-early 40s. Now I’m mid 30s I’m thinking, it’s not an age thing, I wouldn’t be so rude and standoffish to someone who was younger than me. In fact I DO have friends as young as 22 and as old as 50+. It’s a shit person thing, not an age thing.

In my NCT group there was 1 bitch and 4 followers and me. The followers were fine on their own. One of them is now a friend of a friend and I see her around a lot, at parties etc. But the main ring leader really didn’t like me (I don’t know why, she kept going on about how her 2 kids had cost her £100k in IVF, dunno what that’s got to do with me), she didn’t answer the door to me when I came to a gathering at her house or when I dropped off some baby things I was giving her etc. She always forced the meet ups to be on days she knew I couldn’t make so eventually I just said to the group ‘I can never make the meet ups, so I’m off, good luck with everything!’.

I know that now friend-of-friend member doesn’t speak to ringleader anymore, and bumped into another lovely member who told me she was ousted by the ringleader too. So it’s definitely not a me-issue, as time has shown. So that’s good to know.

I met some great ladies and some not so great for my 2nd and 3rd. Was nothing anywhere when I had my 1st. Had lots in common with some and nothing with others. One of the girls started a toddler group and we all attended even though I worked. Fast forward 21 years and I have great friendships with 2 of them. Weddings. Days and nights out. A great trio friendship. Others on the periphery ie fb friends, happy birthday wishes etc. They have their own break off group. Others I've never seen since. That local toddler group gave me friends for life though.

I'm glad for you that you escaped them!

The cliquey situation you describe is why I avoided NCT with my pregnancies and instead did baby massage, swimming, library & toddler groups. It meant regular contact with people in the same life stage and I've stayed in contact with a few through things like FaceBook. Being on the laid back style, I went through two stages where I was drawn in with a group of mums and I could see it was more competitive than supportive and I slowly backed away. I have a couple of genuine friends and my family who I love being with.

Rather than feel left out, be thankful not to be in a group that you don't feel part of that makes you feel less than you are. You are free to meet new people naturally through work, hobbies etc. Be with people who make you feel happy and not negative.

I think that in general people's expectations of NCT friendship groups are far too high. You're fundamentally paying for the course, and the network of other new parents is of course part of the appeal, but expecting life-long friendships and connections that last beyond maternity leave is probably going to lead to disappointment.

I think it's very useful to have the WhatsApp group/meet ups during late pregnancy/newborn days when it's hard to get out and meet others, but beyond that it's really just luck whether the group gels. And there are of course more opportunities to then meet other parents in other settings beyond the NCT group - although of course COVID made this hard.

Honestly, OP, what exactly are you complaining about? A bunch of complete strangers are introduced because of having babies at the same time, turn out not to have much in common with you (though frankly, if you’re saying that partly this was because ‘only three’ had boys, your maths is fuzzy, because that’s almost half a group of eight, and what difference does it make with newborns, anyway?), you’re not comfortable taking your baby to classes, Covid interrupts face to face contact, ‘cliques’ form after lockdown eases, you have a second baby but don’t tell the group, some time later some of the others also have second babies and you form a subgroup (but this is somehow not a ‘clique’), but drift apart when you don’t want to do Buggyfit and stop attending the monthly dinners, and you finally move away.

You had, and more than had (with two babies) some company at the newborn stage, and the opportunity to turn that into long-standing relationships, if you’d got on better with the others and not moved away! That’s pretty much the NCT’s offering!

My group just didn’t gel at all, we only met a few times after the babies were born, just didn’t like one another much, it was pre-WhatsApp, so no chance of virtual contact, and when DH and I moved away from London when DS was 7 months, I’m pretty sure it didn’t occur to me to tell the others, because we hadn’t seen one another in months by that stage.

So you had far more ‘use’ out of the social side of the NCT than I did, and I’m far less aggrieved than you are. No one can guarantee you lifelong friends.

Ours never even met up in person, we announced our births and that was about it, nobody was interested in getting to know each other

I think you get out what you put in and you weren't making any more effort to them than they were to you. All your comparisons are how they bonded with each other compared to you, not how you reached out and they didn't reply.

It's not personal, it's just logical that the stronger friendships would be between people who go swimming and to buggy fit together, who announce their pregnancies to each other and message each other away from the main group. How often did you suggest activities or organise a get together?

This will repeat at the school gates if you don't learn from it - be more proactive, think more about what you can do than what they should do for you, suck up some things that you don't particularly fancy, like swimming. It'll be worth it, honestly.