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Original poster

Please help me take the next steps!

29 replies

RBush22 · 17/08/2024 19:48

Hi all,

I have a 4 year old daughter in nursery and a 10 month old. I am due to go back to work full time in 2 months.

My partner is a lazy father - he hardly helps with the children and also now fails to provide financially. His only source of income (rental income) is now gone as his tenant has defaulted and they're in eviction proceedings. He refuses to get a normal job and since his tenant defaulted in April he has been borrowing from me and his parents. He couldn't pay my daughter's nursery fees last term, leaving it to me to cover it. He borrowed £4k off me, and still owes me £2k. We have next term's fees to pay in 2 weeks, and it is doubtful if he will be able to pay his half. I am due to go back to work soon, which means a nanny or nursery for my 10 month old son. He has said he can't afford to contribute to a nanny or nursery and his alternative is relying on a different family member each day to care for my son (which in my opinion is unstable and also unrealistic). He is not able to look after them himself even for 2 hours (he constantly needs "help"). I will need to dig into my savings to fund a nanny to ensure both children have the proper stable care.

This is all going to cost me thousands and thousands and there is a real risk he will default again on nursery fees and not pay his fair share of childcare expenses. I could soon spiral into debt trying to fund this all.

I have told him that if he doesn't get his act together by the end of August, I will be giving notice to the nursery and I will be moving in with my mum (there is no space for him) with the kids and they can go into more affordable full time nurseries. I don't want to separate and split up the family, but the finances are worrying and I can't wait forever for things to change. We have also been at my mum's for the past 3 weeks (without him - he has just about managed a visit once a week for 2 hours long) and it's been amazing and I am so happy here, and sleeping so well as it's a big house.

He has parental responsibility and has said quite clearly that he doesn't consent to taking our daughter out of nursery as he thinks it's unstable. He can speak very seriously and I feel backed into a corner so I'm scared he might take me to court if I do anything he doesn't consent to. But what about the fact he has no income currently and has already defaulted? I need to protect my own finances, welfare and children's welfare.

Should I give the notice to nursery in September, and move in to my mum's in January? I can just about meet the expenses of a nanny for 3 months, plus next term's fees if it all goes pear shaped.

OP posts:
Superscientist · 17/08/2024 20:22

Wow! What is he adding to your life?
As long as you are changing from one appropriate form of childcare for one that provides good care just at a cheaper rate I don't think he will be able to prohibit that, especially if it's paying his contribution.
I think you need to get childcare for a few hours and have a frank conversation with him. Very few families could survive with only one parent with an income and children in childcare.
What is he reasoning for not getting a job and what was his contribution to the household on a day to day basis before the rental income disappeared and by that I mean everything other than financially? What do his parents think of the situation?

Pandasnacks · 17/08/2024 20:26

Why don't you want to split up? You don't like him, he's a crap father and doesn't provide parental help, emotionally, financially... what exactly is your thought process here? He's a loser and it isn't changing. Make him move out if you can afford your home alone, he can sleep at his own mums until his rental place is empty. You may be able to get UC help towards your childcare then depending on your income.

RockyRogue1001 · 17/08/2024 20:45

Cocklodger!

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Original poster
RBush22 · 17/08/2024 21:03

Superscientist · 17/08/2024 20:22

Wow! What is he adding to your life?
As long as you are changing from one appropriate form of childcare for one that provides good care just at a cheaper rate I don't think he will be able to prohibit that, especially if it's paying his contribution.
I think you need to get childcare for a few hours and have a frank conversation with him. Very few families could survive with only one parent with an income and children in childcare.
What is he reasoning for not getting a job and what was his contribution to the household on a day to day basis before the rental income disappeared and by that I mean everything other than financially? What do his parents think of the situation?

Thank you - he is adding nothing to my life at the moment. He has just become a complete burden. But he is still the father and apparently by law must consent to big changes like nurseries, housing etc. So I'm scared he will not consent and cause trouble. His parents dislike him and think he is an absent and lazy father. His own mum told me I should give notice to the nursery and move to her house! But as I work near my mum's, I can only move to my mum's.
His only contribution before the tenant defaulted is 2/3 of our rent...

OP posts:
Original poster
RBush22 · 17/08/2024 21:05

Pandasnacks · 17/08/2024 20:26

Why don't you want to split up? You don't like him, he's a crap father and doesn't provide parental help, emotionally, financially... what exactly is your thought process here? He's a loser and it isn't changing. Make him move out if you can afford your home alone, he can sleep at his own mums until his rental place is empty. You may be able to get UC help towards your childcare then depending on your income.

I'm scared he'll want/get 50% custody and expose my children to his laziness. He can't even feed them properly and refuses to change nappies. I could go to my mum's house with the children but I'm scared he will not consent to this which apparently he has to by law if he has parental responsibility.

OP posts:
NerrSnerr · 17/08/2024 21:40

The child can't stay at nursery if it's not been paid for. How does he propose she stays there if he won't pay his bit?

NerrSnerr · 17/08/2024 21:41

He can't stop you from moving out with the kids. He can apply for access but these men often threaten 50-50 but it doesn't materialise.

Pandasnacks · 17/08/2024 21:49

He doesn't need to legally give consent to move to your mums or nursery, and you are exposing them to his laziness now. Let go of this 'he needs to legally consent' thing and move out and move on. Why would he go for 50/50 if he doesn't want to care for them or pay for them? It's not going to happen

Original poster
RBush22 · 17/08/2024 21:52

Pandasnacks · 17/08/2024 21:49

He doesn't need to legally give consent to move to your mums or nursery, and you are exposing them to his laziness now. Let go of this 'he needs to legally consent' thing and move out and move on. Why would he go for 50/50 if he doesn't want to care for them or pay for them? It's not going to happen

Thank you - this is the strong headedness I need to have!

OP posts:
Pandasnacks · 17/08/2024 22:09

It is, and I'm sorry if I sound harsh, I've been in a similar situation and you have to be hard on yourself now and make the hard choices, but it's worth it.

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 17/08/2024 22:33

He doesn't have to consent to nursery changes - it's school he has a right to a say in. Nursery is just childcare. Please put in writing to him that you can't afford to pay the nursery and you'll pull her out unless he pays x by this date. Then you can't be shown to have not included him.

How can he go for 50/50 if he can't look after them for two hours?

I would just stay at your mums.

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 17/08/2024 22:34

What's the living situation? Renting or bought?

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 17/08/2024 22:35

I would hand notice in now and move to your mums in September or October if you can so that you can settle there before your little one starts I moved and started my baby at nursery in the same week and it was awful for him

MikeWozniaksMohawk · 17/08/2024 22:38

He doesn’t work and can’t look after his own children but has the audacity to complain about how you want to arrange childcare which is only necessary because of his sheer incompetence as a father? Nope.

RandomMess · 17/08/2024 22:46

He won't want 50% as he's too lazy to care for them.

All of this he doesn't consent are idle threats.

Give notice and move.

He could try and get a prohibitive steps order but he walked have to go to the effort and pay out. Plus a judge would think it entirely reasonable that you leave a nursery you can no longer afford.

Original poster
RBush22 · 17/08/2024 23:08

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 17/08/2024 22:34

What's the living situation? Renting or bought?

Renting and we are joint tenants! So again have to somehow get out of that with/without his consent….

OP posts:
Pandasnacks · 17/08/2024 23:24

Don't be so obsessed with consent OP. My ex moved out and I was liable for the rent, eventually he gave his consent to be removed from the tenancy agreement. If you move out you don't need his consent. If he moves out you may get UC help with the rent.

Superscientist · 18/08/2024 11:37

Did he seek out your consent before deciding use your money to fund his life?
Did he seek out your consent before putting you are risk of defaulting on the childcare and potentially your child being removed for non payment without a plan for anything else..
The fact you have moved out for weeks and he has had little contact would say to me him kicking up a fuss is more effort than he can be bothered with.

Don't give him more courtesy than he gives you. Get your ducks in a row and start again.

Original poster
RBush22 · 18/08/2024 11:45

Superscientist · 18/08/2024 11:37

Did he seek out your consent before deciding use your money to fund his life?
Did he seek out your consent before putting you are risk of defaulting on the childcare and potentially your child being removed for non payment without a plan for anything else..
The fact you have moved out for weeks and he has had little contact would say to me him kicking up a fuss is more effort than he can be bothered with.

Don't give him more courtesy than he gives you. Get your ducks in a row and start again.

Thank you - the words I need to hear!

OP posts:
Original poster
RBush22 · 18/08/2024 19:47

RandomMess · 17/08/2024 22:46

He won't want 50% as he's too lazy to care for them.

All of this he doesn't consent are idle threats.

Give notice and move.

He could try and get a prohibitive steps order but he walked have to go to the effort and pay out. Plus a judge would think it entirely reasonable that you leave a nursery you can no longer afford.

Do you think the fact he has already defaulted on last term’s fees and the fact he hasn’t repaid me yet/paid for next term’s fees enough that any prohibited steps order won’t be granted? Or should I wait till he can’t pay next term’s fees?

OP posts:
RandomMess · 18/08/2024 20:12

If you quietly give notice to the nursery will he even find out?

I would give notice, if he takes you to court it's unlikely he would win, if they did say she has to stay and there is no longer a place she would go on the waiting list.

Original poster
RBush22 · 24/08/2024 20:11

Update: he is now scared of me giving notice to the nursery and is now finding the money to pay next term’s fees. 2k arrived in my account today. He has another 2k left to pay which he says is arriving on Sunday and a further 3k to repay me fully which he said will be arriving once he sells the car in a week’s time…(leaving us with no car). He is refusing to pay any money towards the nanny to look after my son for when I go back to work as he says he cannot afford her (his alternative is relying on the free grandparents who have told me they cannot look after him).

In sum he is finding money to pay for my daughter’s nursery but nothing more. Should I still give notice?

OP posts:
Superscientist · 24/08/2024 20:24

Is life workable with what he is offering?
Will it be continuous stress trying to make it work?
What happens when he runs out of things to sell?

Original poster
RBush22 · 24/08/2024 20:27

Superscientist · 24/08/2024 20:24

Is life workable with what he is offering?
Will it be continuous stress trying to make it work?
What happens when he runs out of things to sell?

Definitely not workable - he is trying to make me feel guilty for employing a nanny to look after our children as he cannot afford her. But his alternative was putting our son in the care of grandparents who have told me directly they cannot help. He doesn’t have a plan but he is saying he will contribute nothing towards the nanny as she is too expensive. I can only afford the nanny till January.

OP posts:
RandomMess · 24/08/2024 20:53

Yes I would as that would fund a nanny for both.

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